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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH and not accept his apology

213 replies

Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 10:31

Tbh his apology was crap and I'm still upset hours later.

My dd who is 3 is going through a shouting, not listening, being a normal 3 yr old stage.

This morning she was on form saying no etc etc she opened the drawer that has all the arts and crafts saying she wanted to color. We were just getting ready to go to school so I say no.

She opened the drawer anyway and then my DH comes up behind her takes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything but he did it with too much force and she bounced back, bounced off his belly and then hit her face on the chest of drawers.

DH then says "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt". I saw the whole saga and it was because he took her arms off too hard she bounced and then bounced forward iyswim.

I was right next to her so grabbed her in for a cuddle and explained that it wasn't her fault she bounced and she had a little red mark on her face. Now considering she wears glasses full time I'm surprised she didn't have more of a mark or worse.

DH walks off and sits down and says she was stropping that's why she hit her face at this point I was upset he wasn't saying sorry to dd. he refused to say sorry to dd so I consoled her and said it was an accident and she's ok, she is ok.

Dd then comes over picks her up and says "sorry, ok" puts her down and then says "happy?". I explained I wasn't happy and I'm not happy it wAsnt dds fault and I said to not touch her with force like that again.

He went to work and we did a half hearted love you have a nice day but I'm still upset, I told my sister and she thinks iabu because dd is going through a stroppy phase and is being a madam at times, but I said that's no excuse to basically be mean to her and take his frustration on her being a 3 yr old out on her.

Sorry for the rant and essay. Wibu?

OP posts:
lordsandladies · 19/06/2015 15:57

wibbly he shouted close to their face. Perhaps he just got down on their level and told them off. OP says they chatted about it and he stopped and he has shown no other behaviour other than removing a childs hands from a drawer.

A far cry from any indicators of abuse or hitting a child!

OP you are being oversensitive and he was being defensive after making a mistake and you jumping in with cudfles and demands for an apology in front of a 3 year old.

Its one incident where you were both in the wrong. Write it off and move on!

crymeariverwoo · 19/06/2015 16:01

I think YABU. 3 year old can be tough which sometimes makes people not perfect parents! so in the moment he pulled her hands off the draw and she accidentally bumped herself. There's really no need to still be cross with him. How would you like it if he came over and made a huge fuss every time you 'made a mistake'? Also you are leading yourself down a slippery slope... she's 3 and by you acting the way you did today, she may start thinking she can play one of you off against the other.

sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 16:01

I think we got the context throughout.

YABU

What makes you think that YOU are the better (perfect) parent? Your DH may think that you are too lax and allow DD to get away with too much. If your voice isn't a 'command' then physical interaction is necessary. Not with malice aforethought - just to get the situation under better control with DD who is ignoring your voice commands.

Are you instructing your DH when you have your 'talks'? Is he not an equal parent? Does this man have a say at all? Is he allowed to say that you are becoming over-indulged in DD's facial palsy?

I can agree with comforting DD because she was ACCIDENTALLY physically hurt - but not at the expense of our DH who is made out to be an ogre who deliberately hurt her face.

Your DH's reaction was correct - "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt"

By making him apologise you have absolutely shot the boundaries for good behaviour. Next time she wants Daddy to get into trouble she will just flail and wail on the floor.

You are making a rod for your own back, disrespecting your DH and not disciplining your child correctly. It is so easy to be the 'soft parent' who doesn't actually manage discipline.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/06/2015 16:04

Lords - to be honest, I don't think shouting either close to/near/or in a child's face is acceptable - playing with semantics doesn't make the act any better. And the OP does mention other instances.

I don't think the OP is being oversensitive. I'd want my child to know that certain behaviors aren't acceptable - why should the 3yo learn to put up with daddy not saying sorry when he's done something wrong as he cant cope with his own feelings? Or saying sorry with such bad grace that the apology is practically negated? It's not undermining anyone to say that this kind of behaviour isn't right. I think the OP was right to step in.

MrsCs · 19/06/2015 16:11

I disagree your dh caused anything. He did a normal parenting action of stopping a child ignoring an instruction. In doing so she fell accidentally. I agree with him that she fell doing something she shouldn't. That said she is only three so I would say there was no real blame anywhere. Normal day parenting a toddler!

You created a drama out of normal life, maybe time to do the right thing and say sorry to dh?

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 16:13

wibbly

I agree with you, DH was an only child, raised by a crappy mother and has never been around children until our dc came along, there have been times when he has over reacted and shouted to close to them for my comfort.

I come from a large family, with lots of children etc and don't think myself a "better" parent BUT i do see when force such as this morning is not necessary. He then didn't apologie to dd because in his eyes it was her fault Confused.

And your right about madam but seriously she's been trying lately Hmm

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 16:18

Wibbly - are you another parent who thinks that you get it right every time? Have you never made a mistake in calculation of physical intervention for the child's sake? Have you ever had a child who resisted a physical intervention and, therefore, ACCIDENTALLY harmed themselves?

Voice commands from the OP do NOT work with this toddler because DD is testing and challenging boundaries all the time. That is the nature of 3 year olds.

The DH did NOT do something wrong. He intervened as an equal parent and physically removed her hands from the drawer. You should NEVER apologise for an accident otherwise it makes the "Sorry" word over-used and negated. It is okay that DH should feel sad that DD hurt herself ACCIDENTALLY and point out that her reaction to his intervention was the actual cause - but the DH did not cause this bang on the face.

The fact that the OP 'demands an apology on behalf of the DD' and the DH gave a reluctant apology saying "Are you happy now" tells it all IMO.

I suggest that the OP reads equallysharedparenting.com/

WayneRooneysHair · 19/06/2015 16:19

YABU, it was your DD's fault as she was doing something that she shouldn't be after being told no.

Icimoi · 19/06/2015 16:19

Well, in some respects it was her fault, wasn't it? I can understand where he was coming from really - she was playing up, he stopped her, he slightly misjudged the force required, there was an accident: it wouldn't have happened if she'd done what she was told. He could have said sorry, but it would bother me that by leaping in to cuddle her and tell her that it wasn't her fault at all you really have undermined him.

AuntyMag10 · 19/06/2015 16:22

Op you've made it a bigger deal than it is. Are some people such perfect parents to never be tested by stroppy children, and able to repeat themselves a 100 times for fear of doing anything to upset a child. What your dh did was just being a parent, and you went and undermined him in front of your dd.

sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 16:24

Perhaps it would be better if we help OP to make her voice commands stronger.

(I am trying to think positive here)

OP's voice commands are being ignored with a 3yr old DD. It is only going to get worse ..........

Obviously, recognition of equal parenting will be part of the way forward.

BrumBabe · 19/06/2015 16:40

YABU You over-reacted, undermined your DH in front of your child and when he does apologise you refuse to accept it.

Little bumps happen to 3 year old stroppy dc's - get over it.

Branleuse · 19/06/2015 16:47

I hope you apologise to your dh for undermining him in front of your child. You are not doing your dd ANY favours at all by doing this, in fact i think its more damaging than anything he did here

Timri · 19/06/2015 16:54

well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt

This sentence doesn't add up to your version of events?!?
You said he removed her hands from the drawer with too much force, causing her to ricochet back into the drawer, yet you haven't mentioned anything about how she 'stropped'
For your DH to say the above, she was probably either clinging to the drawer, or chucked herself about a bit after he took her hands off?!?
If it was clinging to the drawer, then what should he have done? Sat and debated with a three year old to get off the drawer? For you to feel the need to say 'normally I wouldn't mind' gives the impression that you actually do mind, and would prefer for him to not physically touch her in such situations.
Which is VV unreasonable IMO

BrockAuLit · 19/06/2015 17:04

YABU

You've made this a far bigger deal than it is. It was a small incident. It was dealt with. Move on.

However you admonishing your DH in front of DD, effectively "protecting" her from him is a terrible thing to do to both of them. It smacks of you thinking you're the superior or better parent. Undermining DD's father like this, if you continue to do it, will be very damaging for your DD (let alone your relationship with DH).

Timri · 19/06/2015 17:22

And also as a PP said, I don't understand how you are in a position to 'accept' any kind of apology from him?
You're essentially saying that he had to apologise to you for the incident.
He doesn't.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/06/2015 17:29

Wibbly - are you another parent who thinks that you get it right every time?

Where did you get that impression, sad? You're clearly quite upset about this issue on behalf of the OP's DH. (In fact, are you the DH?)

In answer to your question, no. Who is? But I do have a three year old and I don't think it's acceptable to injure someone so small, even accidentally, and then not apologise because you can't be adult enough to admit you could have handled the situation better. As the OP herself has said, this is one of many occasions.

OP - I hope you and your DH are able to talk about this sensibly later and you're able to ensure your DD's ongoing safety.

sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 17:45

No, I am not the DH - how disgraceful that you even you use that suggestion as part of your response.

The DH did NOT injure their child. The DH intervened when the child was 'stropping' - so clearly the voice commands from the OP don't work. Now maybe you don't understand the word 'strop' the way that I and others do. I equate it with the child ignoring adult requests, then commands and having an 'upper hand' in all child-parental transactions.

The OP has undermined her DH who is an equal parent.

As for the OPs remarks about 'getting too close' - it is a perfect parenting technique to get down to the child's level when speaking (either with general communication to speak about something important or discipline).

The OP demanded an apology - not the DD. It undermines the DH as an equal parent.

As for encouraging the OP to continue her ill-founded parental skills to ensure "DDs ongoing safety", I think your advice is mis-guided and dangerous to the well-being of this family.

Northernlurker · 19/06/2015 17:48

I agree that undermining you dh as you have done is the most serious problem here. You need to apologise to him for that and you need to ensure you don't do that again. He had absolutely no intention to harm your child but you've carried on as though he did. You had every intention of asserting your authority whilst diminishing his. Not acceptable.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 19/06/2015 18:00

I am with the OP actually. I can easily imagine doing what her DH did with regard to the drawer. What I can't imagine is not immediately saying "oh goodness dd, are you ok, I didn't mean to hurt you. Now, you need to listen when we say it isn't time to play with this stuff" etc.

You need to model good behaviour and part of that is showing a child how to apologise. I cannot imagine teaching a child that you never apologise for an accident!

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 18:28

princess exactly, thank you

OP posts:
Timri · 19/06/2015 18:39

If you think it's so important that he apologised after what was an accident, then I'm sure you'll have no issue with apologising to him for undermining him in front of your DD?

Original poster
Theonlylooninthevillage · 19/06/2015 18:42

timri RTFT Hmm

OP posts:
Timri · 19/06/2015 18:55

Ok, so you've both apologised now on the phone. All is well.
But you are still angry with him I assume?
Wish he would think more in future?
And maybe you need to do the same as well (think beforehand) and try not to undermine him again.
All in all, it's a pretty minor incident, I'm sure you'll all have forgotten it by tomorrow.

sadwidow28 · 19/06/2015 19:11

This entire thread is about the feelings of the OP rather than the DD

Tbh his apology was crap and I'm still upset hours later

The OP is controlling the parental boundaries and may be even setting up the DD for a major fall when she will be one of 20 children in an education setting.

It appears to me that the OP wanted the apology - not an apology for her DD. By getting the reluctant apology the DH has bowed to her controlling parental rules again.

I urge the OP to read back all posts on this AIBU thread (where you chose to post) and check out the responses and advice given