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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 18/06/2015 22:13

If you tell the midwife on duty that your MIL is not to be admitted unless you give express permission then they will not let her in.

Also give them the name of the person who disclosed information about you before and ask them to please ensure that this person has no access to information about you.

Make sure they know they aren't dealing with someone who stops at the edge of reason.

Narnia72 · 18/06/2015 22:26

Just a note of caution - check your labour ward layout. It was spectacularly easy to access ours without speaking to anyone, and if she knows her way round she may be able to. With ours, you could easily get in through the post natal ward - supposed to be buzzed in by staff but as the nurses were so busy often other visitors let you in, and there was a corridor between post natal and delivery you could have easily gone through as it wasn't manned. Was definitely an imperfect system. You wouldn't know if you were in and out, but I supported my SIL through birth and a prolonged stay on post natal ward, and could see the possibility for sneaking in (if you were that way inclined).

If I were you I would speak to the mw who inadvertently gave MIL the info. Say that you are having problems with MIL and that you are concerned she may be getting information about you that is privileged, and as such you are considering (a) making a complaint and (b) changing hospital. I think you have to tell people - even her supposed friends - what she's like. The MW is a professional, and when she realises she's been manipulated by her friend will hopefully be sensible enough to shut down all further attempts at communication. You don't need to be horrible, just make her aware of her mistake and tell her that MIL is not to be given any further information about you. Then have a meeting with the Head of MW and explain the situation. Get them to mark it on their system and in your notes.

Re Sunday, I would stay away. Plead tiredness. Send OH to the pub with his dad. Tell him to tell MIL there's nothing you wish to discuss. Don't enter into further talks. Get your OH to get FIL on side. If he makes it clear to FIL you're considering going NC with her, he will reign her in. He'll want to see his grandchild too, and will keep her under control.

I'm glad you're both on side and have the same opinion of her; it would be much harder if he didn't see the problem. I hope you find a way forward you're both happy with

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2015 22:40

The same applies where I had my DD, if you are familiar with the layout it is very easy to access the maternity unit from the A & E dept. its a bloody long walk, but your MiL would probably take a scooter. Narnia's suggestion is excellent too about talking to whoever told her info about you. (Although I also liked the idea of moving to Scotland)

momtothree · 18/06/2015 22:48

Im sure we could organise a ring around the maternity ward to keep her out .... but seriously stay away dint fuel the flames ... if she knows shes upset you ... and you have all the power in this situation ... she may back off and play ball ... send DH in with a card and he can duck out after 5 mins as you Need him(fetch take out make tea ... )

Bogeyface · 18/06/2015 22:50

I have a feeling if she did have a DIL who was 'mean' and not letting her see her GC, that would give her more ammunition and something else to add to her collection of injustices

I have one of them. I am evil, vile and nasty for keeping DD away from her "proper" family (that is relevant as they are a different race to me and therefore my family isnt her proper family, they are).

Here is the amount of fucks I give about what she thinks of me

DeladionInch · 18/06/2015 23:11
Shock
MistressMerryWeather · 18/06/2015 23:19

I like that idea Momtothree.

Something like this? But with the MN logo on our shields.

Is this MIL's finest hour?
glitteryflange · 18/06/2015 23:25

OP let DH do the talking on Sunday. Be by his side as a united front but don't get involved. She will attack you both and then turn her venom to you personally. Bring up the past. try emotional blackmail. cry. Get angry.

It won't be pretty. Stay calm and factual. Let DH take the lead.

Then live your lives and keep her at arms length.

momtothree · 18/06/2015 23:25

Yes! You get the cake and ill bring a kettle!

glitteryflange · 18/06/2015 23:25

OP let DH do the talking on Sunday. Be by his side as a united front but don't get involved. She will attack you both and then turn her venom to you personally. Bring up the past. try emotional blackmail. cry. Get angry.

It won't be pretty. Stay calm and factual. Let DH take the lead.

Then live your lives and keep her at arms length.

MistressMerryWeather · 18/06/2015 23:26

Sounds like a plan. :o

AcrossthePond55 · 19/06/2015 00:19

Can I join the barricade? I've always wanted to bang a staff on the ground and shout "You shall not pass!!!". This may be my only opportunity.

I'll bring my own staff.

Denimwithdenim00 · 19/06/2015 00:33

How about us all shouting arvada kedavra brandishing wands. That should scare her.

Op get your dh to tuck a sock into a parenting Manual, definatly an AP one and as she gives it back to him in horror and demand equal breast feeding rights with you he can shout i am a free man/elf and you will be released.

BettyCatKitten · 19/06/2015 00:37

Inspired idea Denim Grin

Denimwithdenim00 · 19/06/2015 00:44
Grin
MistressMerryWeather · 19/06/2015 01:42

You will have to wear a grey beard AcrossthePond.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/06/2015 01:59

Oooh, I can do that, MistressMerry. I'll wear some deep blue eye shadow and mascara 'for effect'. I'll scare MiL into retreating!

GrumpleMe · 19/06/2015 02:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MistressMerryWeather · 19/06/2015 03:13

:o at the fact that two people are suspicious about the OP because of the parking space. Have you read the read?!

I imagine the MIL is the type of person to huff loudly about the fact that she is waiting in a staff parking space because of course she is NHS staff after all she has a badge and is therefore entitled to go and park anywhere she pleases on NHS grounds.

Timri · 19/06/2015 03:38

Oh, bloody hell OP, she sounds absolutely mental!
I'd do as others have suggested, do not engage with her as much as possible, let DH take the lead, and keep things short and factual on your part, as I'm guessing she will try and blame you rather than DH.

good luck!

CycleChic · 19/06/2015 05:59

She never apologises for anything, so she really didn't see how ringing up a friend in the ward and talking to her about me was out of order
Which is why you need to report the breach of confidentiality. she doesn't give a flying fuck about you being upset, but she'd hopefully get it if her mate (and possibly herself ) were disciplined over this.

BreadmakerFan · 19/06/2015 06:53

It is ridiculous, isn't it mistress?Hmm

tutorproof · 19/06/2015 07:08

I see a new trend of Flashmob Mumsnetters forming a ring of steel around maternity units.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 19/06/2015 07:39

I think this is the most epic thread about MIL that I have ever read. Place marking

stolemyusername · 19/06/2015 07:41

Sound like the sort of this my own mother would do, so have absolutely no doubt as to the truth in the story.

Unfortunately the only solution that worked for me was to go NC.