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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
QuintShhhhhh · 18/06/2015 20:46

Can you invite the dads out for fathers day?

BettyCatKitten · 18/06/2015 20:46

Op, sadly people like your mil are like dementors, sucking the fun and enjoyment out of any significant occasion, due to their unreasonable and childish behaviour.
Feigning a drug overdose and all the drama that ensues, not to mention wasting the hospitals time and taking up a valuable bed, is evidence of the lengts she will go to to get her own way and ensure control.
I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy and birth Flowers

momtothree · 18/06/2015 20:48

Yes sorry dont go ... send DFIL a card in the post ... plan day out and let FIl talk to her. Turn phone off.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 18/06/2015 20:48

is your FIL sane, OP? If so, I'd invite HIM over to you to see DH on fathers day, or send the 2 of them out to the pub and totally ignore MIL -leave her at home on her own feeling sorry for herslef, the daft cow. FIL might be glad of an excuse to get away from her!

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2015 20:48

Does your DH ever see his DF on his own ? Maybe your DH should take him to the pub so they can talk. They should discuss what happened today in detail, asking his DF why would she be such a bitch as to go down today, knowing what a bad time the DN had had, and why was she risking her own job by making that phone call. I know you have said FIL is nice, but what is his stance ? Does he enable her shite behaviour ? Does he challenge it ? I agree its very unfair to ruin Fathers Day, but she is the one doing that.

LadyPlumpington · 18/06/2015 20:50

Post your FIL a card or surreptitiously meet him ON HIS OWN before Sunday; don't engage with her nonsense and don't go to their house!

Good luck Flowers

notquitegrownup2 · 18/06/2015 20:50

'When ILs decided to sit us down for a "talk" after MIL had sobbed her heart out & asked my husband if he still loved her (he had asked her to be more considerate to me), husband banged his fist on the table & said that we just wanted to be treated like adults.

And then we walked out.

Worked a treat!'

Yy to calling it as it is. Whatever she says at your talk, downplay it - "Yes, of course you can see your dgc. It's just a shame that you can't treat us like adults and have a proper relationship too"

"Adults listen to each other and don't just insist on their own way with everything. It's not how real relationships work. It's just a shame you don't want a real relationship with us."

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 18/06/2015 20:50

OP, What would the odds on both your's & DH's phones might/could be faulty on Sunday (eg "stuck on record only" Wink), --

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2015 20:52

x posted with Phantom and Lady - see we must all be right Grin

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 20:54

Sadly he does enable her behaviour a little bit by not stepping in enough, he has also been guilted over the years to either take her side with things or back down

OP posts:
SquareTheCircle · 18/06/2015 20:54

Stop telling her what you are doing. You are adults and she does not run your life. Personally, if it was me, I would consider transferring to another maternity unit, one where I knew she could not worm her way in or find out anything about you – you can choose where you give birth, you don't have to go to the closest hospital. I chose one out of area because I didn't like our local maternity unit and it was fine.

after giving birth the last thing you need is a psycho MIL breathing down your neck. Keep her at arms length. How it will work with your DC is up to you. She doesn't get to negotiate her 'terms'. I would lay it out very plainly that either she backs off or she won't be seeing DGC at all...

Phoenix0x0 · 18/06/2015 20:57

Ermmmm I would be NC......she will only ramp it up once PFB is born.

The warning signs are there already....you disagree with her or take back control she then 'takes pills' and off you go to A&E (where by the way she is outed).

FIL maybe lovely, but he is also enabling this narc behaviour. Not good!

It may well be easier to have her onside, but really you are condoning the behaviour.

CrapBag · 18/06/2015 21:00

" I have a feeling if she did have a DIL who was 'mean' and not letting her see her GC, that would give her more ammunition and something else to add to her collection of injustices."

I mean this as a genuine question but why do you care? Let her have ammunition. Let her bitch to everyone how terrible you are. Let her pretend to take an overdose. She won't do it. Attention seeking pure and simple. And it works. So she'll carry on when people don't dance to her tune.

Cut her out. Don't let this utterly vile creature have any sort of relationship with your chld. The whole thing will be an utter nightmare. She won't respect any sort of boundaries and everything will be a huge battle with her. If she is willing to behave like this over family that she claims she doesn't like, what on earth do you think she will be like when it comes to her own DGC?

She doesn't necessarily have something wrong with her. Some people are cunts plain and simple.

LadyPlumpington · 18/06/2015 21:01

Ooh. A really PA approach would be to say, wide-eyed and honest:'We're CONCERNED about you MIL, because we've been talking about your visit to DN and it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing that a rational person would do, disrespecting another adult's clearly articulated wishes and misusing your professional ID like that. We're worried that you're not well and might do something one of these days that'll land you in proper legal trouble. Are you feeling alright in yourself, dear? Any memory issues you've noticed recently?'

But then I'm a right bitch. Grin

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/06/2015 21:07

Good luck for Sunday OP Flowers try to stay calm and disengage, not good for you or your LO

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 21:13

Ladyplumpington she would HATE that, she talks to us that way so if we did it back at her she might see how ridiculous she sounds. She sat me down in her trademark way and spoke just like that to me when she brought up names for our DC. I lost a close male relative recently and MIL must have thought if the baby os a boy, we would name him after the deceased relative, because she said its nice but we cant really do that because then her side of the family would be left out and it wasnt fair. In her best 'i hate to break it to you voice'

Writing this thread has made me realise how much she has changed since I got pregnant, she has become a lot more unhinged, everyone is right. My DH saw it and told me but I didn't think she was any different, but she really is.

Ok on Sunday I think we are going to spend a bit more time with my DF and give them all a wide berth. DH said we can pop in to MILs later on, give card to DIL, ask about his day, then leave. DH wants the talk, I'm now indifferent

OP posts:
LadyPlumpington · 18/06/2015 21:20

I'm sorry for your loss op. Your MIL is fucking divorced from reality if she thinks that she can dictate your child's name though, particularly under those circumstances Angry

I'm sure your DH does want the talk more than you do; he'll have a whole lifetime of biting his lip to cast aside. Maybe sit him down tomorrow (he'll be calmer then) and tell him that you need a plan of action for Sunday wrt FIL visit and that you'll support him however he wants (assuming he's still pissed off of course) Wink

Littlef00t · 18/06/2015 21:22

I think you should try and think about your birthing preferences as if mil was not an issue. If that means a birth in hospital, you make it very clear you have issues with mil and admittance is to be strictly confidential, and she must be prevented from accessing the maternity section.

In my experience, you go directly to the labour reception, so no main reception gossip issues, and you have to give the names of anyone you want as a permitted visitor. Flag mil as strictly no admittance. They get this all the time with exes etc, it's very secure.

AbsolutelyKnackered · 18/06/2015 21:23

Does DH have any siblings?

BettyCatKitten · 18/06/2015 21:23

I'd wager that the only person talking (dictating) at 'the talk' will be mil.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/06/2015 21:34

I agree, no talk. Why subject yourself to that stress when it won't do any good. Actions speak louder than words so I'm afraid it'll all come to an unpleasant head when you go into labour or after baby comes home and your DH has to tell her to back off.

How does your FiL figure in all this? I know you said he just shakes his head but is that because he can't be arsed or because he's afraid of her and/or her 'fallout' if he interferes? It's a shame that he'll miss out with the new baby because of her, but if he won't stand up to her I guess it's his problem.

RiderOfDragons · 18/06/2015 21:45

Good luck OP. I think you need to be very very firm with her. She will try to dictate and guilt. I think if your DH wants to go NC, then you should try that despite what happened before. You just have to get harsh to her attention seeking.

CaveMum · 18/06/2015 21:45

Wow! She's a piece of work isn't she!

I agree with those saying don't change hospital. If you tell the midwife on duty that your MIL is not to be admitted unless you give express permission then they will not let her in. No matter how much she protests.

If you switch to a home birth there's always a chance she'll turn up and how will you get rid of her then?!

VivaLeBeaver · 18/06/2015 21:47

Your Dh needs to talk to his dad first without her been there. Get him on side.

Hexenbiest · 18/06/2015 21:48

" I have a feeling if she did have a DIL who was 'mean' and not letting her see her GC, that would give her more ammunition and something else to add to her collection of injustices."

I was evil incarnate for years - I got over it or became indifferent to it. .It got better with time and they calmed down older DC got.

If you find her behaviour as an adult upsetting - in a few years you'll have a small DC and later young child who going to be exposed to it and you need to shielded them from it as they will find it upsetting and confusing even more than an adult.

So I suggest you need to get a handle on how to handle her now - personally I'd send a nice gift to FIL and go and do something else for the day.

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