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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 18/06/2015 18:25

To the poster a page or so ago who was putting "no visitors" in the birth plan, that won't be enough. You need that on your notes (sticker on the front of handheld and hospital notes) and for DH/you to tell staff when you arrive and when you change shifts/rooms/wards.

At visiting time it can be a bit of a free for all in some wards so you need to be firm and explicit and not rely on anyone's having read your birth plan (because they won't have).

goldenhen · 18/06/2015 18:29

This is awful, poor you OP! You sound lovely and very level headed.

NC is a big deal, it's easy for a stranger on an internet forum to say but cutting your own mum out of your life is a difficult thing to do. I think you're right to be wary of being painted as the bad guy, and I agree that the NC decision would have to come from your DH with you supporting what he feels is best - but by the same token, this woman is clearly unreasonable and irrational and sometimes you just can't win with those people! Self-preservation and your baby must be your priorities.

If your FIL is a good egg could you or your DH have a quiet word with him about how bad things are getting? He might be burying his head in the sand and not have realised how much she is hurting people. I think if there's any way you could enlist his help that would be really good. Plus I imagine he'd feel very isolated if you did go NC, poor bloke would have to deal with her all on his own - so he may be keen to step in to avoid it.

As far as tonight goes, don't stay in to receive your bollocking! Strongly recommend you leg it and go out for a nice meal or something, you both deserve it!

KissMyFatArse · 18/06/2015 18:31

I can completely believe this and feel bad for you op.

My ex MIL turned up with 7members of her family and other GC to wait in the family room while I was in labour.10 hours they sat there just so they could see the baby first before anyone else.

After a horrific labour and forceps I requested the baby wasn't held or passed round. Ignored and passed to everyone regardless of my protests. Spineless ex allowed it to happen as to not upset his mother.

Can't forget that 6yrs on AngryAngryAngry

FatSwan · 18/06/2015 18:34

I'd have a home birth if I were you. After you tell her to gtfo.

I just can't believe the balls of some people. What an awful person.

Somersetlady · 18/06/2015 18:41

The poor poor woman warn her.
That is coming from someone who after a spinal from the chest down and a. Hip to hip section mil took it upon herself to. Come to the hospital and into the parent room where fathers wait for mothers to come out of recovery.

quietbatperson · 18/06/2015 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PantMoustache · 18/06/2015 18:48

I would change hospitals and not tell her. And tell your midwife why. The last thing you want when going through labour is to worry about her turning up.

MistressMerryWeather · 18/06/2015 18:50

OP, you know you don't have to participate in any of these 'talks'.

Talk to your DH, tell him exactly what you want to happen and let him deal with it. You are pregnant and don't need the stress.

Also, don't let her antics interfere with your birth plan. The hospital will make sure you are looked after.

Blueandwhitelover · 18/06/2015 18:55

Every time that I think I have heard the most bonkers story ever, Mumsnet comes up trumps again.
Am looking forward to hearing the update from tonight's visit.
OP you sound lovely, stick to your guns

Eggybread00 · 18/06/2015 18:56

So in short, it's caused twice as much drama and stress confronting Mils behaviour and involving 3 other (preoccupied) family members than it would have to let her stick her head round the door, say hello and bugger off to her hole again.... In reality, the couple would have had a quick 'wtf was that all about chat' and carried on as they were.

Everyone is unanimous really that she's awful etc- I'm sure she is and it's wearing the nerves of all involved. We have one too- but we won't change her, she's not ill meaning, she is a pain in the arse but I have learned to let it go over my head.
Your life will be easier op to let her pop in and see your child for 5 mins, whilst it enables her behaviour it also keeps your stress levels down rather than fretting about a domestic in the hospital ward.

After reading mumsnet, I was terrified that I might piss my sil off seeing my nephew for the first time in case it was too soon etc so didn't go to hospital or ring too much. I was cleaning their house (requested btw!!) and they walked through the door after being discharged early- I even apologised because i'd seen him before her dm. She replied "don't be so daft, get him out and have a cuddle" the real world is so different from the professionally outraged world of mumsnet! 2 weeks of no visitors is fine for distant relatives and people you don't see often but a full on embargo is bizarre and precious.

Good luck op, I'm not intending to be disrespectful and wish you all the best, I just wanted to offer a different perspective because it might make life easier than a huge, sad fall out.

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 18:57

The last thing you want when going through labour is to worry about her turning up.

She did expect to be in the delivery room...when we told her she couldn't, she replied 'well I might be there that day anyway' (at work)

I think a hospital change or homebirth is the only way to go, DH agrees

OP posts:
DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 18/06/2015 18:58

"No one should be granted access to any patient in hospital if the patient does not wish it and expressly forbids it. "

According to the dpa, no one should have access unless permission has explicitly been given and then only used for the purpose that permission was given for.

Example, (ex bankworker) iwas not allowed to have a browse around David Beckhams account for giggles,and your mil or anyone else is not allowed to have information about you. its more only tell those who have permission,not dont tell people that are mentioned on your notes

BreadmakerFan · 18/06/2015 19:00

I can't understand some people. My mother is a bitch. She threatened suicide if I didn't invite her to my wedding but I haven't lived with her since I was a baby. How do parents get so toxic with the child or children they have brought up?

BreadmakerFan · 18/06/2015 19:02

Eggybread, Shock.

Eggybread00 · 18/06/2015 19:04

Oh don't give me that face bread maker- I'm an easy-life-peace keeper !!! ????????

Mitzimaybe · 18/06/2015 19:05

Eggybread there's no way a woman like this would have popped her head round the door for 5 mins then gone happily away again; that's not what would have happened. I presume you have the good fortune not to know anyone as toxic as this. Lucky you.

maryhadalittleham · 18/06/2015 19:07

Jesus wepted , the woman's deranged

BreadmakerFan · 18/06/2015 19:08

Calm down, eggybread. Hmm.

OhGood · 18/06/2015 19:10

Warn DP!

Eggybread00 · 18/06/2015 19:12

I wasn't being grumpy or irate , I put lots of smiley faces on but used my phone keyboard instead of the mumsnet one Smile

MistressMerryWeather · 18/06/2015 19:12

There is a difference between being a peace keeper and a doormat.

SylvaniansAtEase · 18/06/2015 19:14

Re birth plans - one thing to remember is that if you have a homebirth, if you have to transfer then they'll take you to the nearest hospital. If you've been planning a hospital birth anyway, transferring to one a distance away might be better.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 18/06/2015 19:18

eggybread, you are crediting this woman with some level of empathy and deceny when she has neither! You think she would have been happy with a pleasant 5 minute visit, job done? WRONG! You clearly have been lucky enough not to have a poisonous witch to contend with. She has already decreed she does not like the chosen name and wont use it. Imagine her doing that to the doting new parents faces, all veiled as concern 'but think of the child!' - which she absolutely WOULD have done. She is a nasty vicious bully who does not deserve an ounce of consideration at all. she is the type to be opinionated and know better than the parents how they should hold/feed/change/pacify their baby.....all of this unwanted advice would have been sniffily proffered at the poor new mothers bedside!

Cocolepew · 18/06/2015 19:19

My mil came rushing into the ward the morning after I had DD, realised she'd beaten my parents there and did a happy dance. Clapping her hands and singing shewas first to see DD. She hadnt even looked at her.

Don't be worrying about her making you look stupid or what people will say. If anyone believes what she says you dont need them in your life.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2015 19:20

I'd be closing the curtains and pretend you're out, or go out. If DH is serious about NC go with it.