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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
Niloufes · 18/06/2015 17:55

@namechange - I have reread the guidelines, I apologise for suggesting that you might not be genuine - it was a natural reaction to an extraordinary story.

I hope you get it all sorted, but please dont tell us in this string what you are going to do when your child is born because, from what you've said, I suspect it'll get back to your MIL.

diddl · 18/06/2015 17:56

Do don't have to have a talk with her.

She clearly takes no notice!

You don't have to engage at all.

Or you can meet only on your terms, somewhere neutral for an hour or so so that you an leave when you want to.

"she really didn't see how ringing up a friend in the ward and talking to her about me was out of order."

And if there are never any consequences, she never will.

Tanith · 18/06/2015 17:56

Op never said it was the MIL who is on here. She said she was name changing because family members knew her id and would react badly to what the MIL was planning - should she tell her family?

The reply was a resounding "Yes!" so, presumably, no longer such a need to keep quiet on the details.

wannaBe · 18/06/2015 17:57

I don't understand why if your dh wants to go nc you don't just go nc. She is his mother after all so this isn't a case of the child of the bitch wanting to retain contact. I think that if he wants nothing to do with her then tbh you need to let this happen. There is nothing positive to be gained from having a relationship with this woman, and given the rest of the family know what she's like it's not as if you're going to be the bad guys is it?

Whatisaweekend · 18/06/2015 17:58

I would seriously consider going to your GP and asking about moving hospitals for your delivery. Would that be a possibility - is there one that is near you/convenient? Then dont tell MIL (and excellent thinking re telling her the wrong due date!!) then you dont have to worry about a thing! When it all happens, you can tell her that you were visiting a friend, everything happened really fast and you were advised to get to the nearest hospital!!

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 17:58

Honestly thanks so much for everyone's advice.

the more I think about today the more crazy it seems to get. Obviously my main concern is her doing the same to us. I don't know if I should bring up what she did today at 'the talk', I want to ask her why she went in the first place, but I know she will try to lie and say she was going there for a meeting/ visiting a friend in hospital/ going to see her SIL, to play it down.

OP posts:
meercat23 · 18/06/2015 17:58

She never apologises for anything, so she really didn't see how ringing up a friend in the ward and talking to her about me was out of order

That's really the whole thing about people who don't understand boundaries, they just don't get it at all. All they see is what they want to do.

I think you can use the conversation she wants to have and the digs she keeps giving about whether she will be allowed to see your DC. You can tell her the boundaries that WILL be operating and if she wants a relationship with your DC she WILL be observing them.

At least you and your DH are on the same page and that will be a great help. Don't let her stress you out Flowers

Hexenbiest · 18/06/2015 18:00

I'm really not getting why people don't believe this.

Luck at never having to deal with people like this?

My IL though it was all about them - my pg, labour - they were turning up to watch what ever we said- they weren't told the due date or when I went into labour - as we were a bit busy.

Told then straight after - next day took all morning to get out of hospital got home to a phone call screaming at us about our selfishness about not being in constant contact - reduce my DH to tears and then demanding us to take hour train journey immediately to show baby off to their friends. We didn't.

Went on for years but slowly the people listening to them and berating us slowly wised up and I think with less encouragement they were right always and us moving further away they got more reasonable.

Had friends who had similar experiences usually first GC - in one case it was her parents who got bulling because they wanted to be at birth Hmm - though they were controlling nuts as they had her in tears one day because they said if she didn't turn up at their house a certain day they would take custody of her DC - she was married to the child's father so fuck knows what rights they though they had.

diddl · 18/06/2015 18:01

"I don't know if I should bring up what she did today at 'the talk', "

I think that you need to be careful about indulging her with a talk tbh.

Penfold007 · 18/06/2015 18:02

namechangeorimfucked I don't doubt you, have been through similar but not with MIL.
I'm so lucky my MIL is great.

Momagain1 · 18/06/2015 18:02

I believe you, OP. People who have not dealt with people like you MIL simply can't imagine how bizarrely they can behave.

TigerTrumpet · 18/06/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 18:06

I do have an appointment coming up with the MW's I could ask them about a home birth? I would feel comfortable knowing that its on my terms (as the hospital is her turf IYSWIM)

I know she is out of order, but I always held the opinion that she has something wrong with her to act like this. I try to be understanding with her. DH has grown up with it so he has less patience for her. I also know how poisonous she can be if you get on the wrong side of her (which niece did by defending herself against MILs comments). I have a feeling if she did have a DIL who was 'mean' and not letting her see her GC, that would give her more ammunition and something else to add to her collection of injustices.

OP posts:
Hexenbiest · 18/06/2015 18:06

I think that you need to be careful about indulging her with a talk tbh.

If she really doesn't get boundaries and the consequences of not complying with them - I'm not sure what a talk will do but give her more drama to indulge in.

Purpleflamingos · 18/06/2015 18:08

I would go nc if you can. I'm enthralled because I have an equally batshit crazy drama inducing everything-has-to-be-about-me relative in law (sil) whose behaviour has escalated since she turned 30 and is the only singleton left amongst all the children (mmmmm, wonder why).

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 18:13

are you NC with your SIL purple?

I just don't know how we would go about going NC with her. I absolutely LOVE my FIL and Dh loves him too. He is a great dad and he too knows that MIL is crazy but just sort of rolls his eyes at her.
is it even possible to cut one parent out but not the other if they are still married and live together?

At least her niece lives far away and doesn't have to see her, she made it clear she can't stand her yet today still happened...

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 18/06/2015 18:16

I always held the opinion she has something wrong with her to act this way
Narcisstic personality disorder, I believe it's termed.

CrystalHaze · 18/06/2015 18:17

Tiger, please tell me you're NC with those awful ILs! Shock

CrystalHaze · 18/06/2015 18:18

OP, I wouldn't grant her the oxygen of a 'talk' - it will be a platform for more of her narcissism, and anything thst gets said (on either side) will be twisted beyond all recognition.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2015 18:20

Tiger Shock OP maybe tonight you and your DH should decide what you are going to do. I wouldn't be surprised if she turns up tonight, and I would be reporting her for that phone call.

MrsHathaway · 18/06/2015 18:22

Well done to DH's aunt - mama lioness instincts to the fore.

As for this talk, it sounds like she's coming round to read you the riot act. You will need to prepared to say No a lot.

No, we don't want any visitors in hospital unless we end up staying longer than 24h after delivery.

No, even you.

No.

No, you can't choose the baby's name. We aren't settled on middle names though, if you'd like to suggest anything for us to add to the shortlist.

No, the baby won't be staying overnight with you weekly from six days old.

Or, more simply and like a broken record, with unruffled calm, No, that doesn't fit with our plans.

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 18:23

Thats what she does Crystal! She twists things!

She twisted today to the max, she actually thought the niece was been daft for not accepting visitors just because she thought that she should have visitors!

I have known her long enough now to sort of guess what she will say in response to our concerns and somehow make it our fault or make us look silly. She blames the niece and her SIL terribly for the argument they had, even though it was her going around the family mocking niece's name choice and other decisions she made in pregnancy.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 18/06/2015 18:24

I've rtft and agree with those saying 'no talk'. What would be the point? It would just mean aggravation and upset for you and DH. If you even lend her an ear with the inner thought of 'in one ear, out the other' she will take it as agreeing with her. If you disagree, it'll be tears and tantrums.

And I'd tell her, point blank, "There will be no 'talk' as there is nothing to 'talk' about. We are the parents and we will decide what's what".

She deserves to lose her job. I had a 'badge' that let me in to numerous govt facilities besides my own office bldg. If I had been caught using it at another building (without official reason) I would have been fired on the spot.

If you are unable to change hospitals or a home birth doesn't work out (and remember, if she finds that out she'll be camped on your doorstep for 6 weeks before your 'due date' and any unanswered phone call will send her flying over, not to mention 'stealth drive bys'), I would talk to the highest possible authority at the hospital and let it trickle down to the various departments that any breach of privacy or admission against a patient's wishes will mean disciplinary action and/or dismissal. Frankly, I'd see if I could 'check in' under another name (perhaps your maiden name or middle name?).

Purpleflamingos · 18/06/2015 18:24

She's kept at arms length OP but that's easy for me with the lifestyle I have. Also, I'm not scared to tell her she's a drama queen and in the wrong without being goaded into raising my voice, and I can show her where the door is.

GemmeFatale · 18/06/2015 18:25

I'd be going out tonight for a drink with my DP, wet the baby's head and miss MIL's visit