Is this MIL's finest hour?

[namechangeorimfucked]

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

I think it's totally believable in fact my mil nearly did very similar. She was told though that the mid wife would be letting no one in - not even her. So she fly out of the country on the day I was due - in secret so when DP did tell her our dd was here she had her own suprise.

Finally fucked her off at Christmas and it's been brill since

Yikes! It's all about her, isn't it.

Your DH did the right thing for his cousin. I bet the new family are so grateful.

@SunnyBaudelaire - Thats exactly the word i meant to use 'braying' like donkeys. All over excited over someone elses misfortune. Shame on us all. To be honest I don't see why the OP had to ask mumsnet for advice - considering the history we now all know then it was the obvious thing to do. Come to think of it... all this 'i must change my name because i can be found out' and then go on to tell us in a drip feed fashion everything about their situation and what they are doing to foil the MIL in the future. If the mother in law is a crazy and she uses mumsnet then she'll be sure to checking out AIBU for tips and will certainly see a string about a MIL... such a string wouldn't help the situation at all. Oh well.

"n I really say 'I want to keep my MIL away from me and the baby right after the birth and she might not listen to us.'?"

Yes

Totally can believe OP.

My MIL has been around twice for 'talks'

She's kept at Arms length and don't tell her fuck all. If we do it's giving her a green light to make her 'suggestions'

Op you don't have to say anything, just say "I'd like to discuss choosing a different hospital" and go from there. You may find it helpful to go into some detail, maybe saying you have concerns about a family member or something? You don't have to reveal anything you don't want to.

Can I really say 'I want to keep my MIL away from me and the baby right after the birth and she might not listen to us

Absolutely, this sort of thing is taken very seriously.

Niloufes

Before I posted we were not going to say anything to niece and her partner. We were not going to get involved, this was their argument with MIL and we thought they should sort it out.

We also thought she wouldn't actually go there. It was kind of a funny classic threat of hers at first, then she actually drove there.

"the more I think about it the more I feel like I'm actually screwed."

Why the defeatist attitude, OP? She's not actually a dictator in charge of the world? She's just a nosy and persistent bonkers lady. Do what others have said regarding privacy. You have no obligation to let her even meet your child. My parents successfully kept us NC with various nasty family members of theirs, and we haven't minded one bit.

BTW you know, don't you, that all this "IF I EVEN GET TO MEET MY GRANDCHILD" is said with the aim of sending you into a tailspin of oh of course you will we love you mwah mwah mwah thereby giving her an automatic "in" with the child when s/he arrives.

I have similar concerns about family members when my baby is born and have written in my birth plan that the only person I want with me in the hospital at any point is my husband and that we do not wish to be contacted over the phone at the hospital or receive any messages from anyone while we are in the hospital.

We can then switch our phones off, concentrate on the safe arrival of our baby and deal with the abusive messages afterwards.

DH let slip to some family the hospital we are having the baby in and I was really cross about that as I hadn't wanted to say for fear of surprise visits - I was already receiving 'advice' over the hospital I should be choosing from my MIL!

I have annoyed a few people by being firm with my wishes but that's their problem. Everything else in my life has been about someone else / guilt trips / emotional blackmail to please others or to do what other people want and this time I am drawing the line. It's my baby, my body and my birth and I will be deciding who is there and who knows about it when it happens.

I can understand how this all seems a bit unreasonable / unrealistic if you come from a family of 'normal' people where respect for people's wishes and boundaries etc applies, however this situation is all to familiar to me!

Good luck with everything OP - put your foot down and stick to it. She can't turn up to the hospital if she doesn't know you are there in the first place and especially if you have expressly said that you do not want her to visit.

You need to keep as far away from this cow bag as you possibly can. Not only for your own/DH's sanity but for your dc as well

glitteryflange How did you handle the 'talks'

she had one with my DH when he moved out with his uni friends, it was very awkward (she basically asked him not to leave home and that he was been selfish leaving his sibling)

She came round for one when we announced our wedding and that got really crazy. She was crying and telling us she was so disappointed because some of her work colleagues had not been invited.

With the baby- we started the 'talk' we just told her that we want to manage visitors after the birth, she was against this and said we were being daft but seemed to agree. But she did the absolute opposite today!
Now she wants another one, I think she is worried that we are going to unreasonably keep the baby from her. Im worried that the attachment problems she has with her DC are going to rub off on her GC.

Can I really say 'I want to keep my MIL away from me and the baby right after the birth and she might not listen to us.'?

Why not?

Just say there has been an incident of MIL turning up unwanted and unasked at birth of another child in the family causing huge stress and upset and you are every worried about a repeat. You have already had her manage to get confidential information out of friend working in maternity about your confidential medical condition and has shown no remorse and feels fully justified doing it. Your worried and stressed what do they suggest to deal with it - is a move to another hospital possible?

Then I'd also do quietbatperson suggestion as well. I'd also put in a complaint about the disclosure of information in writing to head of hospital - I do but the person involved would be seriously disciplined - though they should be - but warned about what information to give out and when - they may all get a timely reminder.

My FIL can be very my way or high way - bit of a bully - and MIL took fun in winding us up with first baby - very firm boundaries are key. They are mostly fine now - and I'm glad they are in our lives but it was hard at times even now - but they were never this bad.

Hello everyone - we can't currently see any reason to suspect the OP here isn't genuine, so we'd like to remind you all of our Talk Guidelines. If you do have any doubts about the OP, please report these to us.

This is horrible namechange I hope your niece and her family are ok despite the weirdness :-)

When I was having my first I was planning a home birth but the local ambulance station was put on stand by over my due date for transfer if necessary, as per the local protocol, my exFIL was a supervisor paramedic and he transfers stations for six weeks to our local station so that he might get the call out!! When I was in labour and I had to be transfered to hospital the crew 'reassured me' that they'd give him a ring and make sure he knew I was ok and in hospital having the baby!

My ex thought it was funny, one of many reasons he's my ex, but by the time I got to hospital I was crying and begging my midwife, who we met up with again at the hospital to help me and to stop them.

She made it clear to the crew, in front of me, that she personally would report them as not fit to practice if my FIL found out anything before the baby was safely delivered but had I not had her the crew would have been straight on to him and I'd have had the family down in no time!!

Some abusive PIL really are as mad in real life as the ones you read about on mumsnet!!!

For the sake of you and your DH, but above all for your child, I think NC is the way to go.

When you are dealing with the crazy, not amount of talks or reasonable requests will work because their brains dont work like everyone elses. She simply will not see that she could possibly be the unreasonable one, its you being a bitch and her son being cruel.

You have a choice. Either deal with this shit forever, or deal with it once.

I know which I would pick.

to the new mother and well done to all who handled this. I thought my MIL was hard work - well, she was - but not like this. This is industrial strength bad behaviour. At least MIL stayed away from my DS until she knew she was welcome, which was not till 36 hours after he was born.

I'm really not getting why people don't believe this. There are much worse raving nutters in the world. Do you not read the news? Watch TV?

Have you tried the broken record technique with the talks ?- I'm sorry you feel that way/are getting upset but this is what is happening ...again and again?

Try and avoid getting into detailed explanations of justifications and try and wait it out or have strategies for cutting it short - somewhere to be and slowly walk her to the door - in a neutral location or her house where you have the option of taking your leave?

and said we were being daft but seemed to agree

Of course she did, because she knows in the end she will do what she want regardless.

(if this is real - which i'm not 100% convinced of to be honest)

Thats fine, you don't have to believe it, I never thought it would turn out like this, it has been a really weird day and the phone call was even worse, I'm not sure I would believe it to be honest.
I let HQ know they can check the thread out/ remove it if they think it needs to go. I've at least got some advice on how to move forward.

Although I am still going to have to rethink what we originally thought were decent guidelines in place for her.

She never apologises for anything, so she really didn't see how ringing up a friend in the ward and talking to her about me was out of order.

I believe you OP, some people are just bat shit out of this world NUTS! Unfortunately your MIL is one of them.

100% you can tell your care staff you don't want her beak in your business when you have your baby, she isn't the Queen of all she surveys no matter what she tells herself as she nods off at night.

for you and your Dh, maybe an extra slice for him as he's actually blood related to her.

I totally believe the OP.

The day after I had my first DC by C-section, my (late, ex) MIL turned up at my bedside. She brought with her: my FIL (sadly suffering from dementia at the time), my two SILS (sadly profoundly disabled and in wheelchairs) and her sister (a bitch).

Then my mother, my sister and my friend also turned up, and MIL wouldn't leave! It was like trying to establish breastfeeding in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. There were nine people around my bed - the midwives were not pleased.

She then turned up at our house within half an hour of us arriving home.

Some people just don't have any boundaries. She was like a Sherman tank, that woman.