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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
CrystalHaze · 18/06/2015 16:27

It smells mighty musty in here all of a sudden ...

I don't get what that means Confused

MagicMojito · 18/06/2015 16:29

Is this the christening mil?
The woman sounds bloody unhinged!

LurkingHusband · 18/06/2015 16:29

Congratulations to your niece Flowers

been following this with a mixture of disbelief, horror, and (quite upsettingly) deja vu. Some of what you have written could have been extracts from my never-published autobiography ...

She said that they have chosen a 'stupid name' and that she will not be calling the baby by her first name but by her middle name

word-for-word !

She said she would be coming round to our house tonight to discuss our views

again !!!! (And I bet she does, even if you've said not to).

we endured many years of this, as MiL was devious as well as narcissistic, and was able to play on my unhappy family situation to keep me in line (until I twigged).

Beware - and remember the story of Rumplestitskin. Because once my MiL realised I (and MrsLH) had her measure, she became violent (police involved).

You have my sympathies - if your MiL is anything like mine, you really don't want her in your DC life. You really don't Sad Sad.

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 18/06/2015 16:31

Move House. Quick. She will turn up in your doorstep to discuss her 'role' as gP.

NittyDora · 18/06/2015 16:32

Gor blimey! Lock the door and only speak to her through the letter box. She's totally out of control and the constant use of her badge to snoop is going to lose her her job and the hospital a whack of compensation.

Sallyingforth · 18/06/2015 16:33

She said that they have chosen a 'stupid name' and that she will not be calling the baby by her first name but by her middle name

Tell her she won't have the opportunity to call it anything!

BettyCatKitten · 18/06/2015 16:33

crystalhaze it means doubting the validity of the poster.

zzzzz · 18/06/2015 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrystalHaze · 18/06/2015 16:37

I got that bit, Betty, but why 'musty'? I thought musty was the smell of old damp clothes that had been in storage too long, so I'm not making the connection with hairy hands/bridge dwelling, etc? Confused

NittyDora · 18/06/2015 16:37

Please don't troll hunt, just let MNHQ know if you have doubts.

TattyDevine · 18/06/2015 16:37

Crystalhaze its good old fashioned troll-hunting

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 16:39

I'm really glad we told them she was coming, I hope they have had an ok day regardless of this, from what I have seen, her SIL is a nice person and I'm sure she wouldn't have met MIL guns blazing at the hospital.

I knew she would say some mean things about niece's name choice because that what they were arguing about at the party...

i also had a feeling she would talk about our baby as well, ever since we had to have a chat with her about over stepping the mark she has been really defensive and put out over it.
She makes little digs at us like 'If I'm ever allowed to see it' things like that.

OP posts:
Gemauve · 18/06/2015 16:39

She said she would be coming round to our house tonight to discuss our views on her role as a GM, with her DH, so we can all say what we 'expect'.

One is reminded of the scene from Goldfinger, is one not?

Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Goldfinger: No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die.

Or in this case, "we expect you to fuck off".

emms1981 · 18/06/2015 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 16:41

Dh said she got herself into a massive state on the phone... she often gets upset when she thinks people are embarrassing her or showing her up.

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 18/06/2015 16:42

You know, OP, this is good.

Your MIL has managed to well and truly show her true colours and what she's going to be like for her GC, before it happens (AND her SIL managed to protect her side of the family).

This way, now it's all out in the open, you and your DH can properly lay out the ground rules Smile

It's like a gift from god.

she had to go behind my back for the sake of her GC

As an aside, when we were NC with my MIL, she used this very excuse to call social services on us as apparently it was her duty to prevent us from abusing our child. So I get this special kind of crazy Wink

tootiredtoknow · 18/06/2015 16:43

Sorry you are having to go through this OP.

In all honesty, this was just a normal days work for my step MIL. I found the only way to deal with her is to have no contact with her and her vile family (no relation to my DP other than step relations whatsoever).

DP still sees and has contact with her. He can't see through her like I do so doesn't get as stressed and irate regarding her behaviour.

I still see and speak to my lovely FIL and all of my DPs real family. Its surprising easy and has made life for us all so much easier.

Best of luck to you Flowers

Denimwithdenim00 · 18/06/2015 16:43

Just caught up.

I must know some seriously normal
People as in all my years I have never ever come across crazy quite like portrayed here. And my DGM was a fruit loop to my dm.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2015 16:45

She makes little digs at us like 'If I'm ever allowed to see it' things like that.

"Well let me put your mind at rest about that, after your behaviour recently you wont be allowed to see it, so you can stop worrying"

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 16:45

emms1981

Sorry you are confused Hmm but I don't see why you are bringing that up. She DOES know the lady in the antenatal ward, it was her friend I spoke to about the problem I was having.

And she found out I phoned the ward because we were having a conversation about how nice the midwives were at our hospital.

OP posts:
MrsTattoo · 18/06/2015 16:46

Sounds about as crazy as some of DH family members. You're not alone in the crazy, we cut them out in the end and it has been bliss ever since Grin I would seriously consider doing the same if she imposes that much stress and negativity on your lives!

Congrats to the niece on the birth and to you on your bump! Smile Thanks

StupidBloodyKindle · 18/06/2015 16:48

Okay.

You do need to nip this in the bud and manage her expectations, yes.

Trick is always under promise, over deliver.

My late MIL was a woman possessed...sadly now that I would throw my dc to her shouting 'catch!' whilst cackling off to the cinema with dh, she is no longer with us and never had the opportunity to babysit properly due to ebf and her illness Sad

I digress. We told her I wanted no visitors for a week, maybe three weeks Shock. She was resigned to this and so was ecstatic when PFB was born on a Saturday... and we invited her to stay the following Monday to Wednesday so she spent time with gc days three to five. We then organised her to stay for a week three weeks later (she wanted to see us weekly, we said monthly, as a 300 mile round trip takes its toll even taking it in turns..and I had three other lots of family myself due to divorce).

Phone calls once a week. Photos as often as could...now with skype and instagram would have been a piece of cake to keep her happy. I ignored things I was being a twat about... namely I accepted car boot/charity shop boys items with good grace (pfb was a girl), and I tried not to get exasperated with certain things she did/said. She accepted we were never going to move back to dp's home town or bottle feed for her convenience.

But managing expectations is an excellent idea, it really is. I did that with my own mum. Very short convo.
Mum, what do you want? To see gc every eight weeks and birthday parties. Done.

So I would have that meeting and state the following:

You want to give birth without her licking the windows and you will tell her when the timing is good for her to come to the ward...best reassurance is that she will be one of the first and is not in direct competition with your own family

You do not want her to pop round without prior arrangement (if that is the case of course, you might be an open house)

How often you will see her
How often you will phone her
How you are doing Xmases
How you are hoping to feed gc
What you need for support
What you are doing re childcare
When you are anticipating overnights/date nights/one on one grandma time

Of course a lot of this might be We are playing it all by ear...we will let you know.
But...if you are able to let her know the minimum frequency of visits, she might calm down a bit.
Also asking her what she wants to be called, gran, nan, nanna etc does she have any input for a second middle name for gc etc, would she be happy having gc on your anniversary, could she buy x y z, could she help you childproof your home etc anything anything at all to make her feel wanted, welcome and valued will stop you going crazy. Or it will be an escalating, toxic nc situ really really soon.

Shamrock Flowers

Niloufes · 18/06/2015 16:48

The OP sounds genuine to me but I wish it were a troll because its got a lot of people hot under the collar and braying for blood. Not particularly nice. It brings to mind the stoning sketch in monty python's life of brian...

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 16:49

I'm a bit worried about what will happen with ours now. We did lay out some ground rules for her and she seemed to take it well.

But after the phone call she brought it all up again and its obvious she thinks we are being unreasonable about our expectations.

We did say we want her to have a relationship with our DC, we just dont want anyone to know I'm in labour and don't want people turning up at the hospital! because she knows people there its so over bearing!

OP posts:
Denimwithdenim00 · 18/06/2015 16:49

Yes it would be a no brainer for me to cut shit like that out of my life.

It's too much hassle.