Hubby's friends won't sponsor us.

[TorrAlexandra]

A couple that DH and I are friends with are getting married in a few months in Italy. Neither of them is Italian (they're both from Essex) but they've decided to get married there just because they can, and so we're all paying hundreds of pounds to travel half way across the continent to be there. They've also had the gall to ask people for donations towards their dream honeymoon as a gift - as if forking out for their dream wedding isn't enough.

What upsets me if this - DH and I are taking part in a sponsored run to raise money for a charity that helped take care of my father before he died last year, and out of all of our friends these two are the only people who haven't sponsored us, and DH has warned me not to expect a donation and the groom in particular has a history of being stingy when it comes to these things.

AIBU to think that if they can afford to have a ridiculously extravagant wedding and expect us all to go and to donate towards their honeymoon, surely they can sponsor us £10 for a cancer charity? I'm really quite disgusted and angry!!

Give them the donation to their honeymoon, but mentally knock £10 off and donate it to your chosen charity on their behalf as a wedding present.

It's up to you whether you tell them what you have done.

I think this will make everyone happy.

How do you know they aren't going to donate? You haven't don't it yet and with a wedding to plan maybe they have a list of things they keep meaning to do. I have just sponsored a friend on the day they were completing their challenge. I kept meaning to but then forgetting. I did it eventually. Maybe a bit early to be complaining, especially if you find £200 in your just giving account tomorrow ... Yabu btw

Sorry but it's another YABVU from me. I don't sponsor people but I give to charity and I spend a day a week volunteering for a charity that means a lot for me.

I find a lot of sponsored events are mostly about the participants having a good time rather than about the charities. Obviously there is nothing wrong with combining the two things but sometimes I think it swings the wrong way. I sometimes think people do sponsored events more for showiness and their own ego.

I also much rather donate direct to a charity rather than use sites such as justgiving who are a for profit business who cream off a percentage (usually 5%) of all donations. They are more expensive than similar companies such as Virgin Giving Money or BT My Donate.

I almost find it hard to believe someone would really be cross with someone else for not sponsoring them -

I really dislike most sponsored events because it is usually fairly well funded charities that these are for. I much prefer giving to small underfunded charities.

Hard one not nice - I think really cheeky to ask for gifts of money when you are forking out a fortune to attend the wedding - your already committed to going to the wedding - go enjoy yourself and put it to the back of your mind

BUT buy a cheap but thoughtful gift do not give away another £50 or £100 to them - if they question just say you made a donation to charity on their behalf

I simply don't have the money to sponsor all my friends and family, I give to the ones that mean something to me

That's the point really - it's not about giving to charity per say or sponsoring all your friends and family but supporting a 'good enough' friend that is going through a hard time after loosing her father. I say 'good enough' friend as normally if a friend is good enough to invite to your wedding, normally they are a 'good enough' friend to care if they are grieving and to want to help in any way you can.

I this this has come across wrong, I meant I give to the charities that mean something to me, not the friends who mean something to me. Most of my friends have lost a parent, or had a relative with cancer, or less usual have lost a child or become disabled. All the charities they fundraiser for are important to them and many others but I cannot sponsor everyone who does the race for life every year, even though they all have personal reasons for doing it. I sympathise, I volunteer for a cancer charity, I run a bereavement support group, I donate to several charities of my choice. I understand that people suffer and go through hard times but I hate to think that I would be considered cold and uncaring because I didn't sponsor them.

I have done sponsored events for very personal reasons, I have put the link on Facebook but I have never approached anyone personally and have never held any resentment over people not sponsoring me, even those I may have sponsored in the past. I understand that even my closest friends can feel torn in many directions and I don't take their lack of sponsorship as a personal slight or as an indication that they don't care about me, support me or appreciate my grief.

On balance, Yanbu.

I detest the constant stream of sponsorship requests. Some are clearly just wanting their adventures financed, some are just getting sponsored so they can get a charity place in the race as they couldn't otherwise run it and then there are those like you who are trying to help a charity due to personal experience. It's sometimes hard to distinguish between them.

I think that really, your friends should realise that this is important to you because of your dad and therefore donate, especially as he recently passed away. Sorry for your loss OP.

What's all this nonsense about 'dragging guests abroad for a wedding'? No-one is forced to board an aeroplane to go and celebrate someone's nuptials on a beach. If you don't fancy a suntan and a bit of time off work then don't bloody go. If you can't really afford to attend a wedding abroad but are too embarrassed to admit it then say you have a painful STD or summat.

... if they question just say you made a donation to charity on their behalf

I'll bet that'll go down a frigging treat

I'd be upset by this too.

Yes they don't have to sponsor you but I'd be so tempted to send a message along the lines of 'x days til sponsor event if you want to support, let us know. If you've already sent something, thanks so much for supporting this worthwhile cause-every little helps'

Yes it's v pa but even if you don't normally do sponsorship, I think an exception for someone who's in your wedding party is helpful & it lets them know your pissed off. A small gesture goes a long time long way

"'x days til sponsor event if you want to support, let us know. If you've already sent something, thanks so much for supporting this worthwhile cause-every little helps'"

I'm afraid I just see that sort of thing as emotional blackmail and manipulation. I really hate it and, personally, I don't react well to it!

My neighbour had ovarian cancers. She can't even run but she now does fun runs to raise money for cancer charity. I don't even know which one but it doesn't matter. I'd give her my last £10 in sponsorship because she matters to me, this matters to her very much as someone who has survived this horrible experience.

They are being U for not supporting a lifelong friend, someone important enough to include in their wedding party.

It seems most people here are horrified about being asked to give money to support fun runs etc. Clearly it's a case of MN VS RL as in RL most people will give a few quid to support a good friend doing something like this. (I'm not talking about office work randoms and neither is the op).

LovelyFriend - But I have a number of friends who do sponsored runs or bike rides for personal reasons. They are always for well supported charities. I have a chronic disability for a fairly common condition that gets very little public support, and it shows in the services available. I want to support underfunded causes, not the same old causes that already get lots of money.

I'd just knock the tenner off what you'll be giving them as a gift and put it in the sponsorship pot or don't give them money at all - they're not obliged to sponsor you but equally you're not obliged to fund their honeymoon! I don't think yabu, I think they are being tight.

It seems most people here are horrified about being asked to give money to support fun runs etc. Clearly it's a case of MN VS RL as in RL most people will give a few quid to support a good friend doing something like this.

I have no issue with people asking for sponsorship and I happily donate. I have asked for sponsorship myself. What I think is very unreasonable though is when people expect you to donate before they have even asked. Effectively they are telling you to give them money. Thats just a little bit rude. IMO thats how the Op comes across to me. She was clearly expecting them to donate even before the sponsorship request was issued. She wouldn't be so upset otherwise.

YABU - don't go to the wedding and donate the money you would have spent on flights to the cancer charity - problem more than solved :o

I did used to hate all the sponsored stuff when I lived in the UK - I understand its a way for charities to raise money, but half the time people are being sponsored for something they enjoy anyway, or something very easy... Would sponsor a very un-sporty person to do a marathon but not somebody who does every distance run and marathon and triathlon going and has done for years, for example. Often it would be more appropriate for the person concerned to just make a donation, than try to guilt all their acquaintances into donating on their behalf...

Then again I'd also resent spending vast sums of money to travel to the wedding of people I didn't like, and being expected to pay towards their honeymoon too - so you shouldn't do that either :o

Donate the wedding money to the charity.