Hubby's friends won't sponsor us.

[TorrAlexandra]

A couple that DH and I are friends with are getting married in a few months in Italy. Neither of them is Italian (they're both from Essex) but they've decided to get married there just because they can, and so we're all paying hundreds of pounds to travel half way across the continent to be there. They've also had the gall to ask people for donations towards their dream honeymoon as a gift - as if forking out for their dream wedding isn't enough.

What upsets me if this - DH and I are taking part in a sponsored run to raise money for a charity that helped take care of my father before he died last year, and out of all of our friends these two are the only people who haven't sponsored us, and DH has warned me not to expect a donation and the groom in particular has a history of being stingy when it comes to these things.

AIBU to think that if they can afford to have a ridiculously extravagant wedding and expect us all to go and to donate towards their honeymoon, surely they can sponsor us £10 for a cancer charity? I'm really quite disgusted and angry!!

In a fair proportion of cases these sponsored cycles/runs/bungee jumps are about massaging the ego of the person and facilitating a hobby. I usually say no, there's so many of these requests knocking aroind and some people won't do it once, but expect to get funding for each and every charity endeavour they undertake (think a marathon or teiathlon every three months or so ). I would rather set up direct debits to charities that mean something to me than.

It is understandable that the op wants to do something in recognition of her dead father, but just give what you can afford quietly and privately rather than guilt tripping others.

Really shocked at the amount of YABUs on here! I would expect a friend that was close enough to me that they'd want me to travel to another country to see them married, would also be the kind of friend that would recognise my efforts in a charity run - almost irrespective of whether they supported that particular charity.

Awful to defend meanness. They could donate - even if it was just a quid.

YANBU, they are stingy self absorbed gits. Go to the wedding, drink as much as you can and don't buy them a present.

Well I've probably pissed off loads of friends if everyone keeps tabs as I've never sponsored any of them.

A few years ago I got fed up with the pressure to sponsor people. It's not just the money, but also another thing to do and remember in a frantically busy life.

That may sound crap but that remembering to go and log on and give bank details or get money out and drop it off was just an extra hassle I can do without.

So I don't.

No one has stopped speaking to me.

Comedian- (don't recall who) did very funny sketch about sponsoring- how people are usually doing things they'd like to do anyway and then adding on a feel good element to 'help others' eg 'I'd love to run a marathon for the personal achievement so all give me £10 for charity to do so I can feel noble as well.'

Some truth in there.
The whole notion of sponsorship has become a bit warped somehow.

He reckoned if you want sponsoring you should be do something that you're really going to loathe and would never want to do but will go through with selflessly for others.

E.g. Not hiking the great wall in china.

So don't go to the wedding then. Simple really.

Thanks for all the responses - I must admit I wasn't expecting so much vitriol, but on reflection perhaps my original post sounded harsher than I meant it to.

To all those saying 'well just don't go to the wedding' - DH is an usher and has been friends with the groom since they were in nappies so for him (and therefore by extension for me) not going- especially as some sort of passive-aggressive protest- isn't really an option.

No dig at all in mentioning Essex. DH and I are also from Essex - just pointing out that neither of them has any connection with Italy whatsoever.

I know it seems slightly anal (am I allowed to say that?) to keep track of who is (or isn't) sponsoring, but I'm writing personal thank you cards to everyone who sponsors us, so I sort of need to.

Objections to the charity - admittedly I hadn't thought of that, but it isn't a research charity but rather one that assists with care for the ill patients, so I don't think there's any morality issue here.

I appreciate that people get a lot of requests for sponsorship for all sorts of things - but I'm not a random work colleague, I'm not basically asking people to fund my once-in-a-lifetime experience (climbing Kili etc), and I'm certainly not doing it just so I can feel good about myself. I get a lot requests too, and I tend to apply the cocktail principle - I'm usually happy to donate roughly the same amount of money I would willingly spend on a cocktail (so somewhere in the region of £5-10). even if it is only a small amount, the gesture is greater; particularly if it is a cause especially close to the fundraiser's heart like mine is.

YANBU

I hope Italy experiences a monsoon on their wedding day.

But their money is none of your business. Definitely VVU. For all you know, they give £1000 a year to another charity that is close to their heart.

If you don't want to go to their wedding, you don't have to. They don't have to give you their money.

I also don't think it's obnoxious to ask for money towards a honeymoon. You don't have to pay, after all, and all they are saying is that they'd rather that than 27 toasters. You are being kinda mean, actually.

YAB-so-very-U!

If you don't want to pay to go to their wedding, don't go!!! I think it is very unreasonable to criticise someone's choice of wedding venue. So what if they are not from Italy? It is not a stated law that you must get married where you live. You should feel honoured that you have been invited and turn down the invitation if you don't wan't to make a holiday of it. I'm sure they expected a lot of declined invitations when they decided to marry in Italy.

The wedding bears no relevance to the sponsorship issue. Perhaps they donate generously already to charities of their choice? Perhaps they would prefer to give to another charity rather than one chosen by you? Perhaps they don't believe in giving to certain charities. You shouldn't be judgemental of someone else's choice not to donate. Perhaps they are just a bit lame with navigating online sponsorship pages. Whatever the issue, you need to let it go and be grateful to those people who have kindly donated to you.

Sorry to be harsh but giving to charity is a personal choice. Attending a wedding is a personal choice. You need to be a bit more gracious and less angry!

I can understand why you are hurt by this.

But surely supporting a charity should be because the donor has a link, or affinity or passion about the cause? Not just because their mate likes it?

I realise that is over simplistic, and unrealistic. Half of the battle of fundraising is peer pressure.

How would you feel if a friend made you feel uncomfortable by not donating to a charity close to their heart? (I know you are not doing this). It sounds as though you are generous to many charities, but there may come a time when you'd rather give more money to fewer charities?

I knew the OP would be told she's all kinda of wrong before I even opened the thread.

OP, in the real world, everyone would feel the way you do. Really, everyone normal would. They sound mean and self-centered.

I opened the thread expecting to think you were being dreadful - nobody has the right to sponsorship/anyone else's money - but actually, I do sort of understand. These are supposedly very close friends, who have no compunction about asking you to spend close to a grand on something entirely selfish that is important only to them, and as very close friends you really do have the sense that you should try to comply. So when you ask for a fairly token amount for a charity sponsorship related to a recent bereavement, which is in effect a way friends can show their support and sympathy for that bereavement, it does seem a bit much that they don't chip in. It's the unbalanced level of commitment to the other couple's feelings and welfare, isn't it.

I always try to donate to charities if they have a strong personal connection to the person fundraising, and they're a good friend, because it is a quiet way of saying I have noticed their illness/bereavement/struggle, and I care. It's a sort of discreet sympathy card, in a way. So I don't think being upset about this failure by them to do so is anything but human on your part. It feels like the support is one way, right?

That said, I really hate the endless justgiving links I get - I donate to three charities by direct debit every month, quietly and privately. I can't be doing with the 10k run brigade as well.

But in their shoes, this time, I'd sponsor you - since you spent hundreds attending my wedding abroad.

To all those saying 'well just don't go to the wedding' - DH is an usher and has been friends with the groom since they were in nappies so for him (and therefore by extension for me) not going- especially as some sort of passive-aggressive protest- isn't really an option.

Sorry but I still don't understand why you have to go to the wedding if you resent spending money on getting there and accommodation. Your behaviour is already passive aggressive by posting here and your friends may pick up on it anyway.

I bet they asked if you wanted to travel to the wedding first before asking DH to be an usher. So what if the guys have been friends for a long time? You are still not obligated to attend their wedding abroad and they are not selfish to organise a wedding abroad. In fact, I think they would be very hurt to think you are bitchin about their choice of wedding behind their backs and probably wouldn't want you to attend anyway with that attitude!

Whether they are tight arses or not when it comes to charity is completely unrelated!

I think it is very unreasonable to criticise someone's choice of wedding venue.

Yeah, in this situation I really don't. I think unless there are strong family connections to an exotic venue, you have to make it clear that you appreciate many people won't be able to make it, and you will therefore understand. And nobody - nobody - I know who has married overseas asks for any sort of wedding present unless directly asked about a list. It's an unspoken thing that the attending at all is enough of a gift, unless the guest wants to be especially generous.

That doesn't apply to the Greek and Italian people I knew, who just wanted to marry at the grandparents' home town as it was where their roots and a lot of their families were from, and in fairness it was a lovely and not hideously expensive holiday for the guests. But wanting to play at being George Clooney or Tom Cruise when you get married (fair enough, given all weddings tend to be expensive) means you factor in the huge expense to the guests, and accept the cost to them is enough of a present, IMO.

I don't know where this cultural nod to being a Bridezilla or Groomzilla came from, but the whole "your day your way!" nonsense is really annoying. It's been created by a gigantic industry pandering to every woman's inner narcissist, IMO. It's just one day. It's the marriage, not the wedding, that should matter. And assuming a cast of hundreds should play extra and pay through the nose just for your own personal extravaganza... well, it makes me squirm, really.

I think they're absolutely related.

OP, in the real world, everyone would feel the way you do. Really, everyone normal would. They sound mean and self-centered.

Yep.

The thread title led me to assume you were being unreasonable. The post itself made me change my mind.

My cousin asked me to sponsor him but I had to say no. I have 3dc regularly needing sponsorship for school things, plus 10 cousins so I didn't want to commit to one cousin as then I would feel I have to do it for all.
The wedding and sponsorship are not comparable - but I do understand you feeling disappointed.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I don't think it's about money as much as it is about the mutual support that makes up a friendship. I personally think their charitable giving habits are neither here nor there. While the wedding isn't directly related, it shows that they probably could afford to give £5/£10 to charity to show that they're behind you in your efforts to support the people who looked after your Dad. I do think it's harsh of them not to do this.

The wedding thing is hard - I think some people genuinely believe you want to spend your money and annual leave on making their wedding your family holiday, which is fine if you love them and are excited about it, but difficult if you don't and it feels like a an expensive chore. Struggling with this decision myself at the moment and suspecting that if my instant reaction wasn't that I'd love to go I should probably say no.

The honeymoon fund is probably because they know it might be a bit grabby to have a gift list on top of the expense of people going so they want to have an answer for people who offer a gift. Maybe I'm giving this pair the benefit of the doubt when they don't deserve it though!

I hate situations like this, not so had that you'd end the friendship but it all chips away and makes you feel you're being walked all over.

No you're not bu they are just selfish tight fuckers, i would question why you are even friends with them it's for charity Ffs

I would agree with others that you can't really link going to the wedding to a charity donation.

But I think, if it were me, I would not be making a donation to their honeymoon fund.

I knew before I even opened this thread that you would get your arse handed to you on a plate.

I would be slightly miffed as well, they are happy for you to use up annual leave and spend a fortune to go there and can't even throw a tenner your way. Miserable gits. Even if I didn't particularly support the charity, I would support a friend.

Yanbu

YABU.

You choose to go to a wedding. You could choose not to go. You should not be emotionally blackmailed into go.

You choose to give to charity. You can choose not to. Maybe because you've made a substantial donation to another charity and you don't want to advertise it. Maybe because you don't agree with the charity or its ethics about how it works. You shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed into giving and you shouldn't have to justify not giving.

And the two are in no way connected regardless of whether you think they are or not.