Hubby's friends won't sponsor us.

[TorrAlexandra]

A couple that DH and I are friends with are getting married in a few months in Italy. Neither of them is Italian (they're both from Essex) but they've decided to get married there just because they can, and so we're all paying hundreds of pounds to travel half way across the continent to be there. They've also had the gall to ask people for donations towards their dream honeymoon as a gift - as if forking out for their dream wedding isn't enough.

What upsets me if this - DH and I are taking part in a sponsored run to raise money for a charity that helped take care of my father before he died last year, and out of all of our friends these two are the only people who haven't sponsored us, and DH has warned me not to expect a donation and the groom in particular has a history of being stingy when it comes to these things.

AIBU to think that if they can afford to have a ridiculously extravagant wedding and expect us all to go and to donate towards their honeymoon, surely they can sponsor us £10 for a cancer charity? I'm really quite disgusted and angry!!

I just don't understand all the posts saying YABU.

Is it really BU to think that your good friends will support you?

So the many people on here who said YABU are all 'not normal'? And you get to define 'normal' do you? How charming.

The OP was definitely comparing the cost she had spent on the wedding to how mean the friends are. If the OP just said 'good friends haven't sponsored me and i'm a bit hurt' i think the responses would be completely different.

And they haven't asked the OP to spend money on their wedding, they have asked if she wants to attend their wedding. They are subtly different things. I often ask people to go on holiday with me (random people on the bus etc ), they know the cost and it is up to them to agree or not. I don't feel obligated to them if they say yes (in fact they are usually grateful to me for organising it and inviting them). I did not have an abroad wedding btw (just a very cheap rego office and boozer do).

'To all those saying 'well just don't go to the wedding' - DH is an usher and has been friends with the groom since they were in nappies so for him (and therefore by extension for me) not going- especially as some sort of passive-aggressive protest- isn't really an option.'

Isn't an option? What if you didn't have the money? It is always an option to decline an invitation.

Logically the two have nothing to do with each other. I also don't sponsor people unless it is something that is near to my heart as I am simply sick of people asking me for money.

That said, if someone was travelling and spending hundreds of pounds for my wedding that I decided to have abroad just because I wanted to while also asking people for honeymoon money I would donate to their cause because if they can spend money to make my day lovely, the least I can do is spend a bit of money to sponsor them. I would feel very conscious of the money people are having to spend to celebrate my wedding (which I why I would never get married abroad) and would feel very tight if I decline to sponsor my grooms man's wife.

Agree with most - YABU.
The two are just not connected.
It is not for you to decide how much, or via what route, or even if they do or don't, give money to charity.
The vast majority of charities are very worthy causes, so everyone has to decide how, when, and why they channel any money to them. Not everybody shouts about their charity giving, so you have no idea what they might already be doing. It really is none of your business - you can ask, but you have to understand if they don't choose to give this way.

Yes MrsKoala I think there are all manner of oddballs on internet forums. I trust my judgement and I just know anyone I would ask about this would say the OP is NBU.

So there.

I would feel disappointed to, but I have come to realise that often the 'richer' people are the less they donate to charity - and statistics have proved this.

As U2 puts it, it is a matter of supporting friends and it really wouldn't hurt them to give you £10 or whatever in the scheme of things. It doesn't matter if they are already giving £100 by DD to charity every month, just a token gesture in recognition of your friendship would be a nice thing to do.

I do not foo did people. Used to work in an office and was inundated it was never ending. One woman used to bring in her kids sponsor forms....erm they're not my kids love! One snooty cow brought in her husbands form for a 5k....I've never clapped eyes on him wtf would I sponsor him? So I stopped I support the charities I want and if people think I'm tight I couldn't give a shiny shit.

Fluffyears one office I worked in someone kept bringing in her son's forms for a sponsored something-or-other which was in aid of a new gym floor or something for his very expensive prep school. I know all schools need to fundraise but a lot of people were a bit at being asked to support a school they couldn't afford to send their kids to. The activities all looked really fun too. Why would I sponsor your kid to do two thousand jumps on a bouncy castle?

Op IMO the reason I think YABU has nothing to do with the Charity, the fact you are attending their wedding (be it here, Italain or the other side of Mars), the fact the guy is the grooms close friend or whatever friendship you have. It's simple for me I find anyone that expects people to give them money (regardless of reason) because they are friends or family or whatever VU. I then think people that take it that step further by getting all bitter/twisted about not getting any money (regardless of amount) even more unreasonable.

It's the expectation that you will get before you even get a response or understand the reason why people have not donated that's unreasonable not the reason for the request. IYSWIM. I just think it's wrong. By all means ask and if nothing comes then move on.

I'm in the YANBU camp.

You're not funding your hobby, you're raising money for a charity that helped you and your family at an incredibly difficult time, when your father was passing away. You mention your friends wedding to indicate that you are close enough to them to make a huge effort financially for something that was important to them, their wedding, and yet they are not able to reciprocate in making a small donation to something that is important to you. I don't think it's an unreasonable request and it's not difficult to understand.

posters here are being deliberately obtuse to make a point about sponsorships in general.

If making a donation would help, even just a little bite, a good friend who has lost a parent then I would gladly do so. and good luck with your run

I don't think your being unreasonable.
If my friend had asked me to sponser them,and then didn't sponsor me back,its a few quid which they can afford ,its not about the charity, its if they are going out asking people to sponsor them,they really should back,its supporting your friends.

Sorry but YABU!

I don't sponsor anyone for this exact reason- if you do sponsor, even if you can't afford it, what you give is never enough! If I sponsored £1 for someone to trek the Great Wall of china, someone would say I was being tight (even if it was all I could afford!)

This past weekend, 3 colleagues have all done different sponsored events, I don't have the cash to give to everyone.

What's more there are certain charities I now refuse to give to because I have previously given by direct debit only for them to continually harass me over the phone to keep increasing my donations British Red Cross, I am looking at you here

I give what I can, when I can. But if it's a choice between being in debt or giving to charity then sorry, staying out of debt comes first!

It's annoyingly fashionable these days to throw oneself into some self-aggrandising charitable cause and then hunt the rest of us down to cough up for something we don't particularly care about. I am personally giving-fatigued at the moment and charity beggers can bugger off.

I do think YABU. I get inundated with requests for sponsorship. If I gave even a tenner to each I would be broke.
DH give regularly - by monthly arrangement - to two charities we care a great deal about and we donate to disaster relief.
I don't think you can criticise other people for not sponsoring your event, however special it is to you. Many people just feel increasingly turned off by these glamorous fundraising events. I'm not speaking for myself here but I've heard many people express irritation that they are being asked to subsidise 'a holiday'. People so look at these things in very different ways!
If he's a good friend, you go to his wedding whether or not he sponsors you, surely?

YABU. They probably think they'll never get married again, but they'll be asked to sponsor charity runs week in week out for the rest of their lives.

When they get old enough to realise their own mortality, they'll have more money to spare.

I am not 'giving fatigued', I am 'being-asked-to-give fatigued'.

I just typed out a few paragraphs detailing my personal recent experiences then got tired even of that.

Point is, the OP is understandably upset and annoyed that her friends are apparently not supporting her. What I think people are trying to explain is that everyone has so many demands on their time, their energy and their chequebook, that it may not be personal, it may just be that they are not in a position where they either want to, nor think they ought to donate in this way. And I do think it is separate from the wedding thing. (Maybe they are broke as the wedding will take up alot of their money also).

But no one knows anything about anyone elses finances. I have recently been accused of being a gold digger, and cheap, and when I donated to the son of a friend raising money for something (£50) the mother humphed and said she thought I was 'good for more than that' and then bitched about me. Fact is, we are about to enter into a time of extreme stress finance wise..... the next person who asks me for money so they can shave their head is not going to get any.

I do understand the points about charity fatigue, but I don't think they're relevant to this. When you strip the original post down it's about a lady who has lost her father and is trying to do something nice asking a friend who can afford to contribute for a small donation in his memory.

YABU for all the reasons above. I simply don't have the money to sponsor all my friends and family, I give to the ones that mean something to me and often donate time rather than money. I can understand that they may have their (good) reasons for not sponsoring you at this time.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad

"it's for charity Ffs"

So what? I give to environmental, wildlife and animal charities. But I don't expect other people to just because "it's for charity". They may well have different priorities from mine.

OP now you've said more about how close your DH is to the groom I can see more why it is you're annoyed. However, I wouldn't take it too personally. I just blanket ignore pretty much any charitable sponsorships. It may well be that your friends just don't normally give in this way and that whilst they are busy organising a wedding they don't have the head space to think through how important this is to you.

As for getting married in Italy "just because they can", well why not? Depending on where in Italy it may be a very romantic location. And donations to a honeymoon? I don't see that as any more grasping than people asking me for a dinner set which I find grasping and I might do what Carrie did in SATC, but in my case put my wedding list at a good saddlers

I get lots of emails from friends and colleagues doing things for their chosen charities, I have a blanket refusal policy, I give to my own choice of charities, maybe the "friends" do to.

I simply don't have the money to sponsor all my friends and family, I give to the ones that mean something to me

That's the point really - it's not about giving to charity per say or sponsoring all your friends and family but supporting a 'good enough' friend that is going through a hard time after loosing her father. I say 'good enough' friend as normally if a friend is good enough to invite to your wedding, normally they are a 'good enough' friend to care if they are grieving and to want to help in any way you can.

Ineedtimeoff

Giving money to charity is not the only way to support a friend.

YABU but they are also being a bit U to drag all and sundry abroad for a wedding (although all and sundry could of course decline)! Don't give them a gift, and put that money towards the charity. Or decline their wedding and put even more money to the charity. They don't owe you sponsorship, but you don't owe them your presence at their wedding.

YABU because giving to charity is very personal and private for some people. Why the fuck should he have to explain himself to you? Maybe he has lots of close friends and family members who are asking, so he choosing selectively.