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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby's friends won't sponsor us.

166 replies

TorrAlexandra · 17/06/2015 13:06

A couple that DH and I are friends with are getting married in a few months in Italy. Neither of them is Italian (they're both from Essex) but they've decided to get married there just because they can, and so we're all paying hundreds of pounds to travel half way across the continent to be there. They've also had the gall to ask people for donations towards their dream honeymoon as a gift - as if forking out for their dream wedding isn't enough.

What upsets me if this - DH and I are taking part in a sponsored run to raise money for a charity that helped take care of my father before he died last year, and out of all of our friends these two are the only people who haven't sponsored us, and DH has warned me not to expect a donation and the groom in particular has a history of being stingy when it comes to these things.

AIBU to think that if they can afford to have a ridiculously extravagant wedding and expect us all to go and to donate towards their honeymoon, surely they can sponsor us £10 for a cancer charity? I'm really quite disgusted and angry!!

OP posts:
kali110 · 17/06/2015 14:26

Why is bad to say they would like money to put towards their honeymoon?
I would rather this than buying a wedding present that the couple wouldn't want!
My best friend had donations. She already has her own hone, her and dp have been together 8 years, they don't need gifts for the house!

Tangerineandturquoise · 17/06/2015 14:27

there not their credit involved

steppemum · 17/06/2015 14:27

I understand your frustration, but you can't comment on their choice of sponsorship really.

Some people don't sponsor because they are stingy
Some because they won't give to a charity they don't know/approve of
Some because they give 20% of their income to something else that you have no knowledge of.

We get lots of sponsor requests. We sponsor very few, because we prefer our money to go to a cause we know and agree with, and to go directly. I am impressed with people raising money, but it isn't the way I want to give.

AlmaMartyr · 17/06/2015 14:31

YABU sorry. I get endless sponsorship requests - a lot of sporty people around. I will sometimes give but all those £10s add up so fast and I can't afford it. I appreciate that it's a big deal for those doing it, but I do get annoyed when people get angry about not being sponsored.

catnipkitty · 17/06/2015 14:31

First of all, it's your choice whether to go to the wedding or not. If you think it's too expensive then say so and don't go.

I make a point of not sponsoring things like you are doing, mainly because there are so many sponsored events that people take part in and I can't support them all. So, my choice is to sponsor children that I know and I choose to give to charities in other ways.

ollieplimsoles · 17/06/2015 14:40

I wouldn't go to the wedding! Sounds like you don't even really like these people and you don't agree with their wedding plans anyway. Why would you waste money going to their wedding at all.

I don't do sponsored stuff either, I have two standing orders set up for two charities very close to my heart, and DH's work mates had a collection for us when he told them I was expecting and we donated the money to a special care baby charity. They might just prefer giving to different causes.

If they need to ask for donations towards their dream honeymoon amongst other things, they are probably strapped for cash anyway! D:

whois · 17/06/2015 14:44

The charity means a lot to you. Not to them.

I hate sponsorship requests. If you put all tha training time into getting a second job you could donate more to charity than the sponsorship you've collected..:

ShaynePunim · 17/06/2015 14:44

YAB super U.

Completely irrelevant.

SEsofty · 17/06/2015 14:47

They might have ethical objections to the cancer charity. A lot of the large charities are animal testers and an increasing number of people won't donate to these because they don't approve of the research methods.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2015 14:53

I just don't understand why anyone goes to a friend's wedding abroad unless money's no object. I'd go if a family member was marrying someone from that country, but apart from that I wouldn't.

I think you're being reasonable to expect him to give a small contribution given your father's death and given the fact he considers you good enough friends to spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds seeing him get married.

londonrach · 17/06/2015 14:57

Yabu. I dont sponser anyone ever as its about the person not the charity. If you choose the run, bungee jump or high jump thats your choice. I do my charity quietly so no one knows as like Being anno. Alot of people are like that. However i stupidly gave my address last month so just received a book of raffle tickets in the post.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2015 14:59

Who, on earth, keeps track of who sponsors them, and who doesn't. Just ugh.
And your dh having to 'warn' you they might not sponsor you?!?
Who's the stingy one?
Yabu.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2015 15:01

And, most people would love a trip to Italy. Instead of whinging about it.

Idontseeanydragons · 17/06/2015 15:02

There's a thread in chat about ways in which Mn and RL are so different, weddings have been mentioned a few times GrinGrin
They can get married where they want, they can spend as much as they want and they can ask for what they want. They don't have to answer to anyone for that - why so pissed off about it? Just don't go if you're going to be bitter about it.
Nobody HAS to sponsor you at all. I detest this blackmail and judgement that goes with sponsoring people now, it seems acceptable to badger people for 'just a tenner' for something.
YABU

GymBum · 17/06/2015 15:16

YABU Op. You are invited to the wedding. No one is dragging you there or forcing you to spend any money going. You and your DH are choosing to go.

I understand this charity is very close to your heart and sorry to hear of your loss. It's honourable that you are raising money for a charity. But, It is VU to expect any donations just because you accepted an invite. It's actually VU for you to expect any of your family, friends, colleagues, pets or neighbours to sponsor you. No one is obliged to sponsor anyone.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2015 15:18

But she's not expecting a donation because she accepted an invite.

She's expecting a donation because she thought they were friends - such good friends that she is spending hundreds of pounds going to his wedding.

She's entirely reasonable.

BlueStripedHat · 17/06/2015 15:20

I'm afraid yabu. How long does the imagined contract between you and this other couple last? Your acceptance of the invitation to your friends' wedding does not impose obligations on them to do things for you in return.

If you don't want to give money as a wedding gift nobody will force you to. I tend to take the view that I am willing to spend £x on a wedding gift but I really don't care what form that gift takes. If I like people enough to go to their wedding I just want them to be happy.

I am disinclined to sponsor people for charity activities. I give money to more than half a dozen charities every month, there is a limit on how much of my income I can donate to charities so I tend not to donate to any extras.

GymBum · 17/06/2015 15:22

I also think it's extreamly distasteful and VU to expect sponsorship from anyone regardless of the relationship you have. If people wish to sponsor they will, no one should get bitter if they don't.

EvilSidekick · 17/06/2015 15:24

YANBU. Sharing someone's wedding day should be about friendship. Part of friendship is supporting each other and they should sponsor you. Even a couple of pounds would be nice. I agree with your original post and understand why you are so hurt. I wouldn't contribute to the honeymoon saying instead that you have donated the money you would have given to the charity.

nattarji · 17/06/2015 15:24

I think extravagant weddings where the guests have to pay a fortune to get there are rude and thoughtless.

That said the sponsorship is a different issue although tbh I'd feel exactly the same (except I wouldn't be going to the wedding in the first place)

Pumpkinpositive · 17/06/2015 15:26

the groom in particular has a history of being stingy when it comes to these things.

"These things"? Just how many of "these things" have there been?

Some most people tend to feel a bit drained in the face of repeated requests for money to sponsor this, that and the next thing, and may just opt out of sponsored events full stop.

Btw, where is OP? Confused

NRomanoff · 17/06/2015 15:28

Yanbu completely. I give to charity but doubt many people apart from dh know. I don't talk about it much, I just do it.

I hate work sponsorship things like this. There is an expectation that you have to give and do it. I didn't sponsor anyone at work, because when you do one everyone wants you to do and it pisses me off. If I sponsored everyone in the last office I worked in, when they asked, I would have been skint.

Their wedding or whether they asked for money etc is completely unrelated to the sponsorship. I understand it's personal because of you dad, but you are really very unreasonable

WellTidy · 17/06/2015 15:30

Of course they can decide not to sponsor you, but if you were my friend doing this in memory and appreciation of the care that your dad received, and you had come to my wedding in Italy, of course I would sponsor you.

You attending my wedding shows that you put in a lot of effort and expense to help celebrate something that was special to me, an I woudl value that.

I would show appreciation for that, including by sponsoring you.

Obviously I'm in a minority.

AnUtterIdiot · 17/06/2015 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NRomanoff · 17/06/2015 15:31

imperial the op is not obligated to go to a wedding that is coating a lot because she is friends with them. Not are they obligated to sponsor her. I am sure the op will come back saying she felt obligated to go to the wedding, but the fact is if they were great friends and she couldn't afford it then there wouldn't be a an issue.

Being friends does not obligate you to these sorts of things.