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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a teaching assistant should not do this......

157 replies

Mumiboo1 · 16/06/2015 22:39

My child came home from school upset and distress after a teaching assistant covered his mouth and nose with their hand and telling my child to shut up.... My child was extremely upset. I complained to themed who told me they would investigate. After school the head then told me the ta had not lost their temper and that it was done in jest. I am completely disgusted the ta has got away with such behavior. The head belittled me for complaining and dismissed the whole incident as a joke

OP posts:
Clammytoes · 17/06/2015 11:08

Did the head talk to your son about it OP , if they didn't it hasn't been investigated as they should speak to both parties at least

In my opinion as a specialist TA I would report anybody who did this

grannytomine · 17/06/2015 11:11

But the school have admitted it happened, just a difference of opinion on why it happened. At the end of the day why it happened is not relevant, no one has a right to put their hands over a childs nose and mouth and frighten them. Having your breathing restricted is bound to be frightening.

The school need to accept that what the TA did wasn't funny and was inappropriate. Maybe the mother was also inappropriate but in the light of her child being assaulted. Main fault is with the TA she was either inappropriate in her joke or was malicious in her treatment of the child. The school should sort it out.

morage · 17/06/2015 11:30

Obviously the TA is in the wrong. But I suspect the OP has had comments justifying it because the reaction does seem OTT.

Talking about her DC not being able to breathe, calling the police and her child being traumatised, is an over the top reaction. When I was at school teachers were legally allowed to belt pupils, and I don't remember anyone saying being belted once traumatised them.

PyjamasLlamas · 17/06/2015 11:47

Except now in the 21st century I think most people would agree that being belted is indeed traumatising MorageHmm

Goldmandra · 17/06/2015 11:52

but your son needs to apologise for talking too.

Why? Confused

The OP says it was outside lessons and he was allowed to be talking.

Trickydecision · 17/06/2015 11:55

The OP says it was outside lessons and he was allowed to be talking.

Not if he had been asked to be quiet, in lessons or not.

morage · 17/06/2015 12:00

Pyjamas - No, belting is very wrong. But the word trauma is way over used, Many children in Britain sadly go through much much worse than being belted once.

TattyDevine · 17/06/2015 12:08

If my child came home and said that this had happened at school, my response would be along the lines of, "next time you will keep quiet in class then I hope"

That's it.

MagicMojito · 17/06/2015 12:14

Fucks sake just because this is AIBU does not give you license to be so bloody horrible to the OP! If you think she is being U based on the information she has given, then fine to tell her but ffs you can't just make shit up as you go along to make her and her sound like some derranged parent with a feral child! Jesus Hmm

Fwiw OP yanbu.
Don't call the police that would IMO be slightly ridiculous but definitely do follow the complaints procedure as the ta and ht are completely in the wrong here.

purdiepie · 17/06/2015 12:16

I agree with Tatty. And what on Earth is wrong with telling an insubordinate child to shut up?

DrankSangriaInThePark · 17/06/2015 12:24

MagicMojito

Fucks sake/bloody horrible/FFS/shit.

Gosh but you're eloquent.

Gruntfuttock · 17/06/2015 12:29

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost "The HT said the TA lost her temper, well people can free to flame me and sing the, she's only human chestnut but if she can't keep her temper with children then she should not be working with children and the HT basically dismissing it as a joke."

The HT did not say that the TA lost her temper at all. Quite the opposite!

Summergarden · 17/06/2015 12:31

The trouble is, we don't know if what the boy says happened is actually what did happen. It could be that he has exaggerated it significantly.

I have personal experience of this. Several years ago, I saw and heard a parent march angrily to the school office, demanding to speak to the head. All guns blazing, she demanded to speak to the head immediately, was shouting how dare a teacher smack her daughter on the head, didn't she know it was illegal. She had rounded up a couple of other children with their parents parents at the school gate who had 'witnessed' this incident, basically approached two other children who had been in the classroom at the time and said 'you saw it happen, didn't you?'- she was so loud and angry that the children would probably have been scared to say no! This scene at the school gate was witnessed by another teaching colleague.

What had actually happened? The girl (aged 8) had been chatting instead of working, and the teacher walked past her on the way to another table, and with a single sheet of A4 paper very gently tapped her on the top of the head as she walked past and said "time to stop chatting and get on with your work". Yes, it's true that she shouldn't have done it, but it's also true that a single sheet of paper is not the same as smacking a child on the head.

How do I know that was what actually happened? Because I just happened to be in the room at the same time. When the witness children were later interviewed as well, they were able to give same version of events as I did, without influencing them the same way that the angry parent had with leading questions.

That colleague's 30 year teaching career could have been ended as a result of that one incident. Just shows how children sometimes (though not always) do exaggerate things, not always deliberately. Sometimes if they feel upset then in their minds things were worse than they actually were.

The school should investigate the matter formally, you should insist on that with the head. But you shouldn't have approached the TA when you were angry, that's not the way to sort out this situation.

MagicMojito · 17/06/2015 12:37

Thanks dranksangria I do try Wink

I actually couldnt give a flying fuck what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me but I very much value your input Smile

crymeariverwoo · 17/06/2015 12:44

I don't believe that the story your DC is telling you is correct, sorry! there's no way she would have said 'shut up' and I'm sure it was all done in a joke. Sorry if I'm the odd one out but I really don't believe it happened.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 17/06/2015 12:50

She definitely didn't just say 'shut up'. She either added insult to injury by continuing to admonish him for whatever wrong he was doing, or, perhaps she said 'sssssh!' because it was that moment in the playground when the bell goes and the children all have to stop, or in assembly....or....or....Wink Wink
But think about it, when have you ever heard someone say 'shut up' and ONLY those 2 words?
'shut up or I'll send you out'
'shut up insulting your schoolmate'
'shut up shouting while your classmate is reciting his poem'
'shut up with that incessant whining'

I'm sure the OP will be back later to give us lots more detail....

mamabluestar · 17/06/2015 12:57

Yes, I hope that the child in question wasnt too traumatised because I know that my 7 year old would have been, had someone in authority behaved like this. She maybe doesn't have the resilience of a child who is abused day in and day out, that doesnt mean that her or op child's welfare should be overlooked - ever.

ouryve · 17/06/2015 13:00

Yes, your child shouldn't be talking in class and you didn't handle your conversation with the TA at all well, but the actions of the TA were inappropriate and the response of the school and the TA misses the point that the TA was seriously overstepping. My older DS puts his hand over my mouth if he doesn't like what I'm saying (he has SN) and, even doing it without creeping up behind me, it's really unpleasant and sometimes hurts if he bashes my nose or jars my neck. Your child wasn't doing anything that was putting anyone in danger, so no physical contact, whtsoever, can be justified for this misdemeanour.

First thing to do is a formal letter to the HT and governors. If they take it to a face to face conversation, confirm what was said at the meeting in writing.

IrianofWay · 17/06/2015 13:05

Why was he upset OP? Was she very rough and hurt him? I am trying to imagine a situation where one of my children who have been upset by this.
They might have been a bit embarrassed that they were being 'told off' for being noisy, or because attention had been called to them, but generally they would just have shrugged it off.

Gruntfuttock · 17/06/2015 13:09

ouryve "Yes, your child shouldn't be talking in class"

It wasn't in a lesson.

ouryve · 17/06/2015 13:13

Sorry - missed that detail - even less justification for such a reprimand, then.

Sawyer1986 · 17/06/2015 13:20

Considering how mouthy you've come across I can only imagine what your offspring are like. I'm absolutely sure there's more to this and would love to hear the TAs side
OP don't bother with the governors they're all in it together. Go straight to the DM. They're you're only ally here.

sleeponeday · 17/06/2015 16:04

If a TA laid a finger on a child in my son's school, they would be suspended. No ifs, buts or ands - it would be a serious disciplinary situation.

And how some posters can call the OP's child feral, when they post as they do, is beyond my comprehension. I can only hope they are raising more pleasant and better-mannered offspring than themselves - if not? Oh dear.

PyjamasLlamas · 17/06/2015 16:49

Purdie have you read the thread? Numerous teachers saying that we are not allowed to tell kids to 'shut up' whatever follows/followed after as per Sangria's list. It doesn't matter what the context was. We are not allowed to say 'shut up'! Why can't people understand that? Confused

sleeponeday · 17/06/2015 17:42

Pyjamas - it's really weird. I don't think people understand the very strict guidelines teaching staff are meant to operate within. A school with a head who respects those, and who supports staff to the hilt as well as enforcing the guidelines set out for everyone's protection, in my experience is running a good school.

Clearly you only ever get one side on AIBU, but the OP has never said the head denied the physical contact or the words spoken - just that they were a joke, so okay. They can't be okay. They are never okay. Admitting they happened and then saying that is no problem is a problem in itself.

Incidentally, even if the OP's child was "feral" (and what a disgusting way to describe a probably rather troubled primary age child that is, I may add) then the rules would still apply. It's insanity to say, well, there are these rules set in place to protect children, but if the kids are really hard work, well, have at it. Forget the rules, say and do what you like.

I mean, seriously? Hmm It doesn't matter what the child is or is not like. If the head has acknowledged the words and actions the OP is challenging, then there is a serious problem. Failing to see any problem at all, on the head's part, is an even bigger one. If my child attended a school with a head that ineffectual, I would seriously consider moving them.