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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
LotusLight · 18/06/2015 16:54

Words really matter. If someone is not your aunt calling them so is very confusing. Ditto someone who is white saying they are black. Accuracy of words enables people to communicate and those who are not very well educated and do not speak properly find they have more disputes in life and it is harder to obtain employment.

MitzyLeFrouf · 18/06/2015 16:56
Confused

Thanks for that.

Sallystyle · 18/06/2015 16:56

Oh, I read this thread is all about looking down noses at other people

Reading and reading comprehension are two different things.

Probably a great reason not to go around deciding whether people can have a husband or wife, or not.

I don't decide. Married= you have a husband. Not married= you don't have a husband.

I have not said anything negative about people who don't get married, but you just said something negative about marriage meaning jack. Who is making the judgments.

Going into the database, yo.

Mrsjayy · 18/06/2015 17:01

My dh called various women in his life his mum was an only child and he didnt see his dads side so these women were like aunts to him they didnt seem to be confused.

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 17:03

"Ditto someone who is white saying they are black."

I'm sorry, are you trying to be funny?! Presumably you read my comments elsewhere, and thanks for that.

"those who are not very well educated and do not speak properly find they have more disputes in life and it is harder to obtain employment."

"Reading and reading comprehension are two different things."

"Going into the database, yo."

Yeah alright, I can see where this is going, I think I'll say

"LET PEOPLE BE WHAT THEY WANT TO FUCKING BE WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION AND CHECK OUT THE PLANK IN YOUR EYE"

and leave you to your ridiculous, petty thread.

workhouse · 18/06/2015 17:10

Some people on this thread are going to have a heap of trouble comprehending and making sense of the world that is coming, you had better start opening up your minds or you are all going to be sad old people muttering about the good old days.

ChocolateWombat · 18/06/2015 17:13

Yes, I can see you said 'officially married doesn't mean Jack' but actually, that clearly isn't true either. For many, many people, being married is extremely important and for the vast majority of people, regardless of whether they are married or not, they only recognise marriage when it is official. The numbers of people who call themselves 'wife' etc when not married are small.
So it might not mean Jack to you, because clearly you dont value marriage - fine! And clearly lots of other people also don't want to be married too - fine! But lots of people do want to be married and even those who don't typically understand the term to mean someone who has actually ....got married.

None of us on here 'get to decide who can have a husband or a wife' - everyone is free to choose for themselves whether they actually get married or not. And no-one is saying that someone can't say they have a relationship that is as good as or better than a marriage. We are simply saying that the meaning of words is a defined thing and whilst you can decide to refer to yourself as whatever you like, and no one will stop you (or even care much) if you choose to apply a term in a totally different way to its common usage which society accepts and understands, people will be surprised.

It is not about rights to be married or unmarried but about the use of words. Do you use other terms to mean something totally different to common usage, just because you can, or is it just this term?

DonTChew · 18/06/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LotusLight · 18/06/2015 18:40

yes, my words of truth should usefully be repeated so people can read and learn......

the other fascinating issue is those religiously married eg in Islam but not married under English law. At present in England if you marry in the C of E etc you also have to have a state marriage too - you cannot just religiously marry whereas you can as a Muslim which is actually very discriminatory. I have a client whose wife thinks he has married her but in fact he hasn't so she has no call on his assets. She just is unaware (presumably she is not bright enough to access the internet) that the religious ceremony did not make her a wife under English law.

DonTChew · 18/06/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windchime · 18/06/2015 21:39

Hubby is as bad a word as cuppa. Both should be consigned to the pit of doom.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2015 00:02

I would have presumed if you married in a Church of England Church then part of the ceremony involved the signing of the register. This being the legal bit. I have been to a fair few c of e weddings and have never come across people either not signing the register nor needing a separate ceremony to legalise their marriage?

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2015 00:10

Accuracy of words enables people to communicate and those who are not very well educated and do not speak properly find they have more disputes in life and it is harder to obtain employment.

So if you come from the back streets of some northern town you will stay unemployed in the back streets of the same town. That's me well and truly f**d. Oh wait a minute I could always shack up with an ex public school boy.

SomethingOnce · 19/06/2015 01:22

It fucks me off when people make a mockery of my living-in-sin-ness by referring to DP as my husband.

NobodyLivesHere · 19/06/2015 02:13

I couldn't bring myself to call DP my 'life partner' out loud. Grin

And I have a perfectly good grasp of language and a great education, so you don't need to worry about me.

GrumpleMe · 19/06/2015 03:31

If people really just 'wanted to understand', this thread would have died 24 pages ago.

You understand (surely? It's really not that complicated), because numerous people have explained their reasons to you. You just don't agree with those reasons.

I think everyone gets that now.

LotusLight · 19/06/2015 07:13

In English law if you marry in the C of E , Catholic, Jewish you have to have at the same time that official civil bit where you get at state marriage. You cannot not have that. That is not the case with Islam under English law. So if you went to your C of E vicar and said I want a religious marriage only he could not do that as he would break the law.

Yes if people want to think I have an invested fictitious legal practice go ahead. I love that as I have never posted anywhere on line without being identified so the more people think I am an unemployed 30 stone male ex trucker from Scunthorpe the better.

KERALA1 · 19/06/2015 09:07

The difficulty is if you are legally trained (looking at you lotus!) it's harder to accept when people make up meanings for words. You see for yourself in real life the tangles people get into when they rely on false assumptions so it's harder to blithely accept that this is a sensible thing to do - whatever the individuals personal feelings on the matter.

Aussiemum78 · 19/06/2015 09:23

Lol at the idea that I secretly want to be married. I spent years avoiding that after I got engaged because I realised that I don't want a wedding and my mum organising me into a puffy dress shudder.

There's a gap in language really. A 14 yo can say boyfriend after two dates but that doesn't compare to 16 years and a child. Partner can be business partner. There needs to be a non married husband equivalent term. Spouse maybe? I only ever use husband to avoid confusion, like I said, particularly with DD (some people really do think that babies are wedding gifts and get utterly puzzled at dd having unmarried parents who are together).

sprackenzyboiled · 19/06/2015 10:05

I think the language gap is caused by marriage returning from whence it came, to the hands and hearts of the people and the religious institutions. The reality is you don't need state marriage to stay together for your lives and raise children, and you never did.

Times are changing and there are more and more people with serious life-long commitments to stay together who don't see a need for the marriage ceremony right now for whatever reason, and the language needs words for these people to call each other.

Why not "husband" or "wife" just as easily as "partner"? These are perfectly good and descriptive words.

BlueBlueSea · 19/06/2015 10:41

I call my DP my Husband. I don't think boyfriend is suitable for our long, living together relationship, don't like partner, so I use husband. It is no one's business if we are married or not. Nothing to do with being sadly unmarried.

When I was married to my ex husband, I did not change my name nor use Mrs, I stayed Miss on everything. So not desp to have the status of marriage.

I see very little difference between the two husband relationships, apart from this one is much nicer. So just because we have not signed the legal papers it does not mean I or anyone else should view the relationship as lesser and again no one's business what our marital status is.

The main difference in not being married are inheritance laws and pensions, so for that very unromantic of reasons we will get married in the next 15 years.

BertrandRussell · 19/06/2015 11:39

It really is bullshit to say that you can't use partner because there are such things as business partners. On the infinitesimally tiny number of occasions where there is the possibility of confusion, context and 10 seconds thought would easily clarify things.

LotusLight · 19/06/2015 11:46

Spouse and husband and wife have precise dictionary and legal meanings and are utterly different from unmarried partner/live in lover etc. By all means lie to people in saying an unmarried partner is a pouse but be aware it's a lie.

I am more concerned about any children too. It is amazing how little some children know about their parents or marital status. Don't these people talk about things in families or do they only talk about the weather? How can the children really not know if the parents are married or not? My son has a friend who is unclear on this! That presumably means his mother has lied to him.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2015 12:04

The confusion with children lies with other parents telling their offspring that children only arrive after mummy and daddy are married.

Ds tried to tell one 9 year old friend that we weren't married. It blew his mind and his mum was not best pleased that my son had shown her son that his parents were liars.

sprackenzyboiled · 19/06/2015 12:15

"By all means lie to people in saying an unmarried partner is a pouse but be aware it's a lie."

People do call each other husband or wife without pretending they are (or hoping people think they are) married, you know. It's more falling into common usage, than slimy fraudsters hoping to get at your precious puritan trust by pretending to be upstanding box-tickers like you.

I know enough people do this now, that I do not assume people are married because they say husband or wife. I find it difficult to believe that where I live in the world has a particular concentration of such behaviour - probably the opposite, really.

I think that you are a bit over-eager to label people liars.