Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

What, exactly, makes it a 'shame'?

I really haven't given it much thought, just shared my initial impression that if someone uses the term 'husband' and 'wife' when they aren't married, I'd think they probably wish they were married. I would think it was a shame they didn't have what they wanted.

i wouldn't give it any thought beyond that - just a general 'oh dear' and move on.

So - did you read the thread, where many posters gave their reasons for being called 'husband' and/or 'wife'.

We do not wish to be married, and it is not a shame that we aren't.
So 'Oh dear' is unnecessary and condescending.

It's not a shame for those who do t want to be married that they aren't. Clearly the people who don't want to feel like an appendage to a man and who call themselves Ms own name don't want to - they aren't the people who choose to refer to themselves as a wife or their man as a husband.

The odd thing is the seeming contradiction involved in choosing to remain unmarried (and this thread isn't about if it is better to be married or not) but referring to yourself by names which are totally associated with marriage. As someone said earlier, it would be equally odd if someone referred to their husband as their boyfriend, because ......he isn't a boyfriend. Presumably if they had wanted a boyfriend instead of a husband, they wouldn't have got married.

People are often defensive about not being married. Plenty on this thread seem defensive about it, although I really don't think anyone is suggesting marriage is necessarily better or preferable. The people themselves who choose to call themselves wives or their men husbands seem to implicitly d
Suggest this. And I don't mean the times when people just choose not to correct the mistake of a stranger, but those who actively put themselves forwards as Mrs or wife, when using a name or another term would be fine. Reminds me a bit of young girls who call their best friends their sisters.

What other term would be fine chocolate?

Exactly ChocolateWombat - why use the terms if that isn't what you (secretly) want? No one has to get married, there is no social stigma to cohabiting anymore, so if you really don't want to be married, why can't you bring yourself to own that decision in your terminology? It all seems pretty odd & conflicted to me.

Boyfriend - dictionary def

"A boyfriend is a regular male companion in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. This is normally a short-term committed relationship."

"A person’s regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship."

My husband and I are not in a short term relationship. neither would I call him a companion.

I already have a partner too.

Also makes me think of people who claim to do a certain job, when in fact they work within that industry, but not as a qualified whatever.
Is it that they simply don't realise what that job is or that they are not doing it, or is it that they wish they were doing it, or is it that they think it will sound better if they say they do that job?
At the end of the day, in most situations no one is really going to pick them up on it or care very much (perhaps in an interview, but hopefully they wouldn't say it there - suggesting they actually do know the difference, leaving one of the other options for why they refer to themesleves by the job title in other circumstances) but I would be left with a sense that the person either doesn't grasp their real job title or is rather aspirational or interested in status.
Now I know all of the unmarried people here will immediately hay that marriage doesn't have a higher status etc etc, but I think the fact people refer to themselves as wife or Mrs etc in an active way suggests that for THEM it does. And it is odd behaviour, because unlike the job thing, where perhaps they lack the qualifications or skills to do that job, legal marriage is something that is open to everyone, and as others say upthread, not particularly a state to feel proud of as an achievement (although perhaps a happy, long lasting marriage or any relationship is worth feeling proud of).

Yes it's like a hospital porter claiming to be a brain surgeon.

I agree with everything Wombat posted above. I wouldn't call my husband my boyfriend because I chose to make him my husband. Those who don't respect marriage try to distance themselves away from any of the labels.

None of the explanations really make sense to me (not that anyone cares I know) I don't understand how it accurately describes your relationship, because it isn't an accurate description of what he is. And I can't see how a romantic partner and a business partner can get confused in most daily situations as it is easy to differentiate between the two if needed.

I can we that the term 'boyfriend' feels a bit juvenile and flippant. I can see why grown women don't want to refer to their partner as boyfriend. But partner seems fine to me - if people have deliberately chosen not to marry, why have a name which denotes marriage, rather than one which reflects the reality.
I don't buy this idea that people might think it is a business partner etc - people often refer to their business partner as exactly that to avoid confusion, because there are more lifetime type partners than business partners.
Even if you don't like the term partner, why would you choose a word which is in common usage to describe a legally married relationship which you are not in, even if you don't recognise the validity of that legally married state? I don't like the term 'her indoors' and don't consider myself to be it, so it would be surprising if I started referring to myself in that way, whilst not wanting to be 'her indoors' or having any respect for the term.
Several people mention it being time for a new term - never mind the word itself, but what is it that you want it to mean - a long term relationship? a committed relationship? a life relationship? The man currently in my life? Do you want a term which says something about your legal relationship,more the length of the relationship or the level of commitment or just that this is your man? People can refer to 'my man' or 'other half' etc and may well do so whether married or unmarried. Some married people will also use the term partner too. I can't see an objection to it myself, but am happy to hear why some people dislike the word so much they will use the word husband or wife instead,whilst having no desire at all to be a husband or wife.

mitzy oh yes because being married is such an achievement, takes lots of effort and years of study. It's such an amazing thing to achieve, take a medal.

All us poor unmarrieds are not this way through choice, it is because we simply can't get our men to propose to us. We just mustn't be made of real wife stuff, as all you happily married women are.
So we have to make to with second best, live in sin, and pretend to the world ( and ourselves) that we are actually married. Its is so sad.
We wake up every day just wondering if this will be the day that our man will propose, slip that ring on our finger, then we too can join the heady heights of the real wives club.
You have us rumbled.

We instead have to make do with being the hospital porter, gazing through the window into the brain surgeons coffee room, wondering if we can ever make it to the top.

keeptothewhiteline it's been scientifically proven that getting married is on a par in the achievement stakes with carthwheeling up Kilimanjaro whilst singing Peter Andre's Mysterious Girl.

People have been at real pains on this thread to say they don't consider not being married to be second rate and there has been widespread recognition that many people choose not to marry. When people become really defensive about being unmarried, it actually strengthens the sense that some people have that they are not happily unmarried.
And I wouldn't use the example of a porter claiming to be a brain surgeon - that was obviously going to be inflammatory and people would take it to mean that those who are not married are like the porter, who is taken to be lowly - although where would hospitals be without porters. My reference to people claiming to have jobs they don't was more about difference as well as status. However, I think that many people would view someone calling themselves Mrs or Wife as either wishing they were married, or giving the married state status - it would be hard not to view it like this. How many of us choose to refer to ourselves as something we dislike or have actively avoided, especially when it doesn't apply to us. It is an odd thing to do....not annoying, but a bit odd and interesting I think...hence 500 odd posts.

I was being sarcastic when I mentioned the hospital porter and the brain surgeon as I thought your statement 'Also makes me think of people who claim to do a certain job, when in fact they work within that industry, but not as a qualified whatever' was such absolute nonsense.

I rather think the 500-odd posts are more to do with the fact that people who are unmarried are trying to reply to the deprecating comments from married people, TELLING the unmarried that they all secretly wish they were.

Perhaps the confused people are youngish? Most of the Ms's with fake hubbies are from the YBA Wife era - so not gagging to be married because of the connotations of marriage, though wanting the legal/financial benefits, and social ease of using the H word.

I have had to explain twice about Ms to young women taking my details, it's as if feminism skipped a generation. It seems to be back now, though.

Do yeah it's not like being a hospital porter and saying you're a brain surgeon! At all!

*So not Do

Having read the thread, I think the most defensive people of the terms 'married/unmaried' 'husband/wife' are those who are married.

"Ooh, we are married, how dare you be happy when you're not married? Bet you wish you were, you obviously yearn to be"

Sanctimonious claptrap.

I thought my sarcasm was pretty clear. I'll need to be more heavy handed next time.

people become really defensive about being unmarried

I don't think that anyone has been defensive on this thread about being unmarried, but there has been a lot of very understandable frustration at several posters missing the point and simply just not 'getting' it. It all reminds me very much of my (fake) MIL

But no one has said that those who are unmarried wish they were married. It is very clear from this thread that the vast majority don't. The vast majority of unmarried people DONT refer to themselves using terms of marriage such as wife or Mrs. It is these few people who do this that people have been trying to understand, because it seems odd and contradictory. I really don't think there is any condemnation from anyone about people being married or not - perhaps only people who are in some ways sensitive about not being married hear it like that, because the discussion actually centres around the names people give themselves, not their actual marital status.

NewFlipFlops You might have something there, along with the scary rise in pink and blue.

If someone uses the term 'husband' or 'wife' when they aren't married, I'd assume they really wanted to be married. I certainly wouldn't mind, but I would feel a bit sad for them.

I think marriage is great & feel sorry for those that want it & can't have it?

Did you miss these little gems, Wombat? (Among others - I can't be bothered to go trawling through to find the rest)

Words matter but the av erage IQ is only 100 in the UK. Plenty of people are not very bright so of course they use words incorrectly. Of course it just shows them up not to be very clever but there you go.