Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

The sooner all women use either Ms or nothing the better.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/10147246/Men-can-be-wives-and-women-husbands-as-Government-overrules-the-dictionary.html

Yeah it's all about context really ahbollocks. Seems rather pointless to correct the lady you chat to at the bus stop, not so the solicitor who's drawing up your will.

If there was an easy, non-wanky word for 'that bloke I live with, have children with, am committed to, share bills with and all the other tedious or amazing shit that comes with being a couple, but I'm not married too, I'd use that. But there isn't. So I tend to say husband when it's utterly inconsequential in any way, like at the bank or the shop. There is no wanting to be married, I'm not pining away waiting for a ring. It's just easy short hand. People really do over think shit.

Agreed.

Yes I think we need to all be Ms. I'd be happy with that. In fact I did always think that if I ever got married and the bloke had a terrible surname, I'd be more than happy to keep my maiden name (not that I was a maiden when I got married!). I am shallow like that!

I think women should decide for themselves whether they want to be Ms, Mrs, Miss, Mr or any other title they choose.

Yes, I agree about context. I don't think I'd correct the lady at the bus stop in that scenario - it would sound priggish. I don't use the term husband myself (maybe once or twice, but I can't remember) but I wouldn't correct someone in that situation.

Once though, at a wedding of one of DP's colleagues, DP knocked a tray of drinks out of a passing waiter's hand, all over himself. One of the men (the husband of one of his colleagues) said to me "oh, you are going to have a job getting that stain out". I said "I'm not doing it, I'm not his mother!", he replied, "No, but you are his wife" to which I said "no, I'm not that either!". Not that I should be expected to clean his suit even if I was his wife, obvs, but still, it was a useful trump card to shut the idiot up with!

london- yes about context, but in that case it was very funny.

If however at a work event your OHs boss had been making a round of introductions to the Chairman of the company and introduced you as " londonlife, Jake's wife" would you correct him?

"If there was an easy, non-wanky word for 'that bloke I live with, have children with, am committed to, share bills with and all the other tedious or amazing shit that comes with being a couple, but I'm not married too, I'd use that."

There is. Partner. It is wanky in the extreme to go on about "oh, but how do you know it doesn't mean business partner?" because apart from in a few vanishingly unlikely scenarios, it would be obvious within microseconds. As I said earlier, on a par with such a shame we can't say gay any more.

No, I doubt I would. But then as I say, I'm fairly relaxed about the whole "partner", "boyfriend", "husband" thing, and am not really consistent in which I use. I probably do say "boyfriend" the most, (and sometimes say partner) but I do accept that it does sound a bit silly for mid-40 somethings who have been together for nearly 20 years!

I find partner a bit...clinical, I suppose. Or people assume I'm gay.

Feel free to use "partner" bertrand.

I'll stick to husband.

Why use such a ghastly word anyway?

I am married, but always use Ms at work - I think it sounds more professional and less matronly.

If someone uses the term 'husband' or 'wife' when they aren't married, I'd assume they really wanted to be married. I certainly wouldn't mind, but I would feel a bit sad for them.

I'd assume they really wanted to be married. I certainly wouldn't mind, but I would feel a bit sad for them.

THat says more about you that these poor people you pity.

Does it? That I am quite kind & also that I think marriage is great & feel sorry for those that want it & can't have it?

You assume they want marriage- that is a huge assumption and very patronising.

If you read back on this thread you will see there are plenty of us who choose not to be married.
Marriage is not always great. Over half end in divorce in the UK. Thats not very great is it.

whattheseithakasmean - where did you get the message that people want it and can't have it? It has been a choice for some of us. Have you read the thread?? How is marriage any greater than any other long-standing loving relationship, that you feel sorry for?

No they don't keepto.

If you are making an active choice not to be married, then why on earth would you use language which would make it look as if you are married? Unless you think marriage is superior to non marriage?

And if you think that people using language that makes it look as if they are married when they're not "makes a mockery" of people that actually are, how does that not suggest that marriage is somehow superior to non marriage?

I still feel that being a wife is somehow an appendage to a man Yes, even in the 21st Century.

I do not wish to be an appendage. I am my own person. I am a Ms (my surname), not a Mrs (DP's surname).

Some people view us as a married couple and refer to us thus. Wedding Invitations and Christmas cards addressed to "Mr & Mrs DP's surname" When we remind them they say "Oh, sorry we forget you're not married, you've been together so long"

It is not our choice. I neither wish nor yearn to be married. As I've said further up ^^ the titles have been forced upon us.

Therefore, I take very great exception to those posters who falsely assume that people like me 'secretly yearn to be' or 'wish we were' married.

We DON'T!

However, I would still say - if you want to be married, then be married. If you don't, then don't.

And if you're not married and people still refer to you as being married, then it doesn't really matter. And if you are not married and still wish to refer to your partner as either 'husband' or 'wife' - then do so. It's just a word.

And it really doesn't matter at all

I'd assume people want marriage if they call themselves 'husband' and 'wife' when they aren't - it's not really such a leap, is it? I don't mind, but I think its a shame for them.

Why do you think it is a shame for them, if they are not bothered?
You are investing too much thought into it.
And you obviously do mind, otherwise you wouldn't have posted your post.