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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:

patienceisvirtuous · 15/06/2015 22:37

As for the mockery comment, it seems you feel superior to her because you have the certificate...

Bambambini · 15/06/2015 22:37

Yes you have too much time on your hands, YABU. I also don't really care is she says hubby, so what? Some folk here are so desperate to take on the whole Mn mantra of what they can or can't say, do or not do, like or not like - meh!

LovesYoungDream · 15/06/2015 22:38

She's only fooling herself. She has had children with him and he still doesn't want to marry her so she's playing pretend. She's probably hoping he'll cave under the pressure.

workhouse · 15/06/2015 22:38

I call my DP husband, and he calls me wife. We've been together twenty years and have two kids. I am not trying to get him to marry me.

We have been meaning to get married for about sixteen years and just haven't got round to it yet. The thought that it might bother someone else would just make me feel a bit sorry for them.

I don't use Facebook though.

workhouse · 15/06/2015 22:40

She's only fooling herself. She has had children with him and he still doesn't want to marry her so she's playing pretend.

How sexist.

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 22:41

Yes, 'hubs' and 'hubby' are vomit-inducing terms, but other than that I can't see the issue, it's just being used as short-hand for 'long-term partner'.

There's a definite shortage of suitable terms for 'long-term partner': LTP itself is too much of a mouthful, 'boyfriend' sounds a bit lightweight and 'teenage', 'significant other' sounds pretentious, 'other half' suggests you're only half a person in your own right, 'me fella/bloke' sounds twattish, 'live-in lover' is every kind of wrong there is.

Suggestions for some non-knobbish ways to succinctly describe a long-term living-together person, please?

cariadlet · 15/06/2015 22:41

"hubby" makes me cringe whether the people using it are married or not. But I can't see why you go so far as to be offended by it.

It is tricky to know what term to use when you aren't married. I've been with DP for ages. Not sure how long, but we've got a 12 year old dd and were together for a few years before she was born.
"Partner" seems odd - it makes me think either of business partners, or how gay people used to refer to their other halves before they could get married. And we seem way too old to talk about "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".

BeenWondering · 15/06/2015 22:41

I don't know if YABU or not, but I know she is being very unreasonable for using the terms "hubby" & "hubs."

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:42

She's only fooling herself. She has had children with him and he still doesn't want to marry her so she's playing pretend. She's probably hoping he'll cave under the pressure.

Huge assumptions here.

Me & OH have been together 20 years too- I call him husband. I have lost count of the number of times he has asked me to marry him. In fact he has stopped asking as he knows he is wasting his time.
I don't have much respect for the institution of marriage.

Original poster

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:43

It just feels so disingenuous. . .maybe thats why it winds me up so much, it gives people the impression she is married & she isn't. . .its an untruth & I think that's what I don't like. . .trying to be something you are not (when there is no reason to pretend you're married when you aren't!

As for it affecting my life or my relationship with her it doesn't at all, as I say she is lovely but this really grates. I think I've concluded I am BU

OP posts:

Sausagerollers · 15/06/2015 22:44

Tbh the use of the word 'hubs' is bile inducing, but I was more perplexed by Keeptothewhiteline saying:

We "refer to ourselves as husband and wife. We are not married, it is just the most accurate description. "

Claiming to be something you're not isn't very accurate is it?

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 22:45

Who gives a toss, really?

HoldYerWhist · 15/06/2015 22:46

I don't get why anyone would effectively lie about being married.

I would find it odd but it wouldn't bother me.

msgrinch · 15/06/2015 22:47

hubs/hubby VERY unreasonable.

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:47

So you want others to respect marriage as much as you do OP? Some of us don't, calling my OH husband is simply a way of describing my relationship.
I never pretend to be married, everyone who knows me personally knows that I am not married- in fact none of them actually care- marriage is not seen as very significant too many people.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:47

Suggestions for some non-knobbish ways to succinctly describe a long-term living-together person, please? Bob? I mean on FB you don't actually have to define yourself. Can't you just write, "Bob is so lovely"?

If that floats your boat, which it doesn't in my case...

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:48

sausage= so what should I call my OH?

Radiatorvalves · 15/06/2015 22:48

I've been married for 14 years. If DH started calling himself Hubs or Hubby, we might not make it to 15.

Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 22:48

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the PPs are BVU. I TOTALLY get this!

I'm with you OP, YANBU. Definitely not.

(I should declare before going further that in the privacy of our own home - never in public - he is a Hubs and I am a Wifelet) (I've kind-of buggered that privacy of our own home thing, what with posting it on a public forum!)

My husband - because we are married - and I felt under absolutely no pressure to marry. He is quite a bit older than me, and wouldn't have done so. I wanted to be married (he'd had a couple of v long term girlfriends before me, and I admit - in the privacy of an online forum and never to him opps again - that I wanted to be one better than them).

So we got married. Registry (I don't do god, and he's a v committed atheist). and here's the thing: After we got married, society took our relationship more seriously. It just did. It did it formally in the form of some rather pathetic tax breaks. And everyone around us took our relationship more seriously because we'd gone to the effort of getting married.

His best friend at Uni (and a LOVELY guy, who I adore) used to describe his "life partner" as his "wife". I couldn't bear it! I ALWAYS corrected him. I am a wife. I have a certificate to prove it. He had a life partner (they've since split up, so it's less of an issue these days).

I don't think you "get" the right of society taking your relationship seriously, and respecting it, unless you've actually done it.

I hear you OP, I hear you....

Sorry, cos the rest of you don't agree suspects many of them are pretending to have a husband when they merely have a partner

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:49

Marriage is a piece of paper and easy to get out of.

bbcessex · 15/06/2015 22:50

I have a friend who calls her DP her husband. They aren't married. It's not accurate, it's a misrepresentation. You only have a husband or a wife if you are married. The end.

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:51

But why does it matter?

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 22:51

I take my relationship very seriously, I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks of it.

workhouse · 15/06/2015 22:52

I don't get why anyone would effectively lie about being married.

I don't feel that I am lying when I call DP my husband, as keepto says, everyone knows us, it's just a habit we have got into. Sometimes I even forget that we aren't actually married.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:53

Not just a piece of paper.

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