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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 17/06/2015 21:41

Evans, your post makes me wonder if people who choose to remain unmarried spend a lot of time thinking their married friends are looking down at them and pitying them. That's the impression you give - that's what I. Mean by defensive . And I can see if you think that, you would feel really annoyed.
However, I really don't think most married people feel like that or behave to give that impression. Perhaps when anyone chooses to do something which breaks centuries old norms, however progressive they feel and however happy they are with their choice, there will always be a slight sense, however remote, that they are somehow unusual and being judged.
Today, so many people are unmarried that it really is normal. However it is still a relatively new normal. I don't think we break out of social tradition entirely for many many years. And I think that the sense some unmarried people get that those who are married think they wish they were married, is partly a defensive reaction, but perhaps there is something in it too. Perhaps we are naturally a little suspicious of those who a so different choices to us.

workhouse · 17/06/2015 21:44

It is these few people who do this that people have been trying to understand

Well you haven't really been trying to understand have you? you have been ignoring and dismissing everything that we have said. That is where the frustration has been coming from.

ChocolateWombat · 17/06/2015 21:47

Evans, in ref to your last post where you quote, neither of those quotes were someone feeling sorry for everyone who is unmarried or a suggestion that everyone wants to get married. It was a comment about the few who are unmarried but refer to themselves as if they were married, using Mrs or Wife etc.

You and many many others are happily unmarried. Fine! I don't think you want to get married and I don't think most people think you do either,mor that you are some kind of case to be pitied for not being in state of marital bliss. If you were calling yourself Mrs or wife though, I do think you almost invite such attitudes, because it is so hard to understand in terms of the person either wittingly or unwittingly valuing marriage very highly.

NewFlipFlops · 17/06/2015 21:48

I don't think LotusLight gets it either Grin

Low IQ certainly isn't my issue Smile

workhouse · 17/06/2015 21:53

This is all so narrow minded, I think that I will give up the fight. As far as the IQ comment goes, I have been thinking exactly the opposite but was too polite to say.

ChocolateWombat · 17/06/2015 21:55

I would like to understand actually. I don't understand the objection to using the term 'partner' and I don't understand if there is a new word for women, what people want it to convey to people. People who do choose to marry view it as important as a good number wish their married status to be known as use the words wife, Mrs etc (clearly not all marrieds want their marital status known, hence other terms being used). Whilst those who are married have a term for their legal status, an alternative term for those who have chosen not to have that status will always be in use. It doesn't matter that lots of people think marriage is unnecessary for a waste of time or just a piece of paper etc - the fact is that marriage exists and is a legal status and while it is,there will always be a term for it, which will apply to those who are married and not apply to those who aren't. I realise that some people would like a term all women use like Ms, or the equivalent of Mr, which doesn't reveal marital status, but many people still like being Mrs (as the topic of this thread reveals - even those who are not Mrs!) so despite the frustration people have about significance being given to marital status, when they think there should be none, it will continue.

Anyway, interesting discussion - for me, it is just interesting rather than annoying. Not he thread caught my eye and I thought it was an interesting topic, because I find people doing this surprising. I still do. Goodnight, I'm off to bed.

NewFlipFlops · 17/06/2015 21:55

Ditto, workhouse, it's like banging your head against a wall. I give up too.

partialderivative · 17/06/2015 21:58

"Hubby" makes me think of an obese man in double beige with continence issues.

That could be me! Have we met Disgrace (I am controlling the continence issue!)

'Quite a catch', some might say.

DonTChew · 17/06/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NobodyLivesHere · 17/06/2015 22:04

I can only speak for myself;
I find boyfriend ridiculous at my age.
I find partner just feels weird and wanky to me.
I find husband also kind of wankybecause he isnt, but of my options when this comes up (which is rare in all honesty) it's the least likely to make my toes curl. So it's what I use by default.
I don't yearn to be married. He has asked, I just dont want to for my own reasons. I dont have any disrespect for married people. I think it's great if that's what you want its just not something I've ever felt the need for.
So that's me and my reasons. I'm sure other people have their own reasons.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/06/2015 10:15

I am so old. I have seen the outcome.
All my friends have done the wedding bit, then spent years telling me and dbf/p/"h" that we should get married. How more committed it makes them as a couple. How more secure they are with each other how if they were to divorce how it protects the woman and the children. Only for them all to divorce and the wives who thought they would be protected because they had a party and signed a bit of paper have all been right royally screwed over and left with less than I would walk away with had my relationship broke down.

The only other couple we know who did not marry are still together.

One of my friends who lived with her dh for 10 years had a wedding costing £15000, she was married for 3 years. The divorce cost my friend a further£15000. As she put it being married cost her £10k per year. Yes she has been awarded a given amount per year for her and her dd but her exh doesn't pay it regularly. She organises her finances now to not take account of any money coming from her ex as it is less stressful that way as she is sick of trying to take him to court to get him to pay up. I should add he is a millionaire several times over.

So whilst some posters pity me for not being married it is I who pity you married for having a false sense of security. The law might protect you but only if both parties play ball and from my own experience I don't know any exws who get anything from their exhs.

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 10:29

lol @ this.

Being "officially married" doesn't mean jack any more, and you people who judge other people because you signed a fucking form are hilarious.

If that's what you think makes it "proper", I wouldn't be surprised if that cohabiting couple you wringing your hands over, are still together long after you're not.

whattheseithakasmean · 18/06/2015 15:58

As has been explained a few times on this thread:

It is not about considering marriage to be better than cobahiting
It is not judging cohabitation
Indeed, it is pointing out there is actually nothing wrong with, and no so social stigma attached to, cohabiting rather than marriage.

So what reason would a cohabiting couple have to pretend they were married by using the terms 'husband' and 'wife'? That is the issue.

If you are happy cohabiting, why do you need to use terms that apply to marriage? Nobody says she finds the term partner 'weird & wanky' but i think it is more weird using the term husband when he isn't.

LotusLight · 18/06/2015 16:03

If you use the word hubby you reveal your social class more than your IQ to be honest.

Sallystyle · 18/06/2015 16:05

Who judged those who aren't married?

Oh wait, it didn't happen. Or if did it was only one or two posters at most and most posters have been quite clear they are not judging those who aren't married.

So try read the thread perhaps before you get all pissy? Nothing worse than someone coming on after two pages discussing something no one else even said.

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 16:23

Oh, I read this thread is all about looking down noses at other people, and saying who else can and can't consider that they have a husband and a wife.

What's it to you all if someone refers to they husband or wife, or didn't get around to church but have 5 kids anyway? Snooty ass mfs need to worrying about things closer to home if that seems important to you all, in my opinion.

keeptothewhiteline · 18/06/2015 16:24

why do you need to use terms that apply to marriage?

Because I choose to. And I can't see why it upsets you.

whattheseithakasmean · 18/06/2015 16:28

It doesn't upset me, it just seems odd (and would lead people to assume you really wanted to be married, even though you apparently don't).

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 16:29

Still, good to know that things only annoy a certain kind of person, that everyone else is oblivious to.

All goes in the database, yo.

flickyhair21 · 18/06/2015 16:33

Just as another point of view it can be a translation issue.

In my first language the word for 'husband' is also the word for 'man' so when you say 'my husband' it also literally means 'my man'.

Even though I am not married I say that - although mainly becuase the word for 'partner' is quite strange and not many people understand you.

ChocolateWombat · 18/06/2015 16:33

Knowsaymuhfuh, why would you say 'marriage means Jack' when lots of people on here have tried really hard to be respectful of those who choose not to marry.
Marriage clearly means an awful lot to an awful lot of people still. It might not to you personally, but it clearly does to lots of others. Do you recognise that?
There is no looking down noses at those that are not married, simply a recognition of the basic facts that in society people understand the term 'hubby' to refer to a man who has legally married a woman. Yes, you can choose to define that word totally differently if you wish and apply it to anyone you wish - even your parents or your children or your friends if you wish to. But don't be surprised when other people are surprised if you make up your own definitions which are not widely accepted.

Yes,lots of marriages end in divorce - everyone knows that. Again, people are not claiming on this thread that marriage is better and cohabiting worse (although you say marriage means Jack) the debate is about those who are unmarried calling themselves by a name which is strongly connected with marriage such as Mrs or wife or hubby Etc.

Keeptothewhiteline - of course you are free to use the terms you wish to - this thread is about people trying to understand why you would do that.

ChocolateWombat · 18/06/2015 16:37

And the OP is annoyed by what she and most of so item would see as the mis-use of the term 'hubby' but really, the vast majority of posters here are not annoyed, but merely enjoy a bit of a discussion online to while away a bit of free time. We are interested in what seems difficult to understand behaviour and no doubt won't give it any more thought after wards, in the same way we won't go around judging those who choose not to marry, despite some people seeming to think that people spend a huge amount of time generating anti-feeling against those who are unmarried or who call themselves 'Mrs' when they are not married. Most people really don't care.

Momagain1 · 18/06/2015 16:46

Unmarrieds that refer to each other using married terms: If you have strong opininions on why you aren't and why you won't, then why do you choose to say husband/wife and mislead people into thinking you are? It's like you seem embarrassed to admit it.

I disagree that partner is a problematic term, in the last 30 years 'business partner' has become a normal term for that position, and 'life partner' is an option if you find partner with no qualifier confuses people. Surely life partner is better than lies?

MitzyLeFrouf · 18/06/2015 16:47

Surely life partner is better than lies?

Ugh. So dramatic!

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 16:49

"Knowsaymuhfuh, why would you say 'marriage means Jack' "
I didn't say that. Read again.

"when lots of people on here have tried really hard to be respectful of those who choose not to marry."

Yeah, I don't see it at all.

"Marriage clearly means an awful lot to an awful lot of people still."

You got that dam straight, marriage and other relationships mean a lot to a lot of people.

Probably a great reason not to go around deciding whether people can have a husband or wife, or not.