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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My new boyfriend didn't stand up for me

167 replies

TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 18:35

I'm going though a really tough time at the moment with a lot of serious personal problems, so maybe I'm overreacting and being over sensitive here.

Something minor happened today but it's left me feeling sad and disappointed.

My new boyfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema. We got on a crowded bus and I saw an Isle seat spare and directly in front if it was a teenage boy sitting in an Isle seat with the window seat spare. So I approached him and asked if he could move along so I could sit down (intending boyfriend to sit behind me). He said "no problem, I'll move" and got up and went and stood at the front of the bus. I was confused as I'd only asked him to move along, but proceeded to sit down and my boyfriend sat next to me.

All through the journey an old man who was sitting nearby stared at me. Then later on he got up and as he was leaving he leaned over my boyfriend and pointed his finger in my face and said "I wouldn't have moved for you. No way would I have moved for you." And walked off the bus. Two women sitting behind us started gasping in shock and told me not to take any notice. Boyfriend just sat there. He did nothing. I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment due to serious issues in my life and he did nothing.

This is not a case of me wanting chivalry. It's a case of someone who professes to love me, standing up for me when he knows I'm currently very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel sad and disappointed, even worried that my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I thought he was.

OP posts:

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/06/2015 15:05

As someone else mentioned up thread pick your battles wisely, especially on public transport, some grumpy twat of an old man is simply not worth it. Problem is that there are lots of people out there who try to be the good Samaritan based on a snapshot of the situation. Say your boyfriend did react by telling off the old man for his rudeness, to many people who missed the cause of the initial exchange they are just going to see an old pensioner getting bullied by someone half his age and feel the need to intervene?often physically, from there is goes rapidly downhill.

TrueBlueYorkshire · 16/06/2015 15:57

You could have stood up for yourself or chosen to ignore him, we all choose how we feel no one else's actions can change that (e.g. stop blaming this on the boyfriend or the man's actions). If you feel anxious it is completely up to you to feel different.

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 16/06/2015 16:31

True comments like yours really piss me off. You can't just stop anxiety, it's like telling someone with depression to cheer up. I guess I should cancel my CBT if it's up to me to feel differently about my crippling anxiety disorder.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/06/2015 17:16

I have had the occasional situation where a stranger has said something unpleasant or aggressive to me in public - and most, if not all of the time, I don't think of the best riposte until the situation is long over.

How many of us think of the perfect come-back at the point where we need it? I think it's not that easy at the best of times - and if, like the OP, you suffer from anxiety and depression, or, like her boyfriend, you are suddenly thrown into an unexpected, nasty situation, it is perfectly understandable it would be even harder for them to come up with the right response at the right time.

Gabilan · 16/06/2015 19:52

"we all choose how we feel"

Thanks, TrueBlue that's good to know. Could you please tell all HCPs everywhere, particularly those who deal with MH issues so that they can stop treating anyone with depression or anxiety. Clearly we all just need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with it. Thank you for this amazing revelation. You've saved me so much pain and illness and the NHS can now slash its budget.

Marynary · 16/06/2015 20:26

The old man sounds very unpleasant. The teenage boy probably stood because he preferred to do that rather than sit next to a stranger.

I don't blame your boyfriend for not wanting to confront the old man. There's no point getting into an argument. I doubt that you'll ever see the old man again so just try to forget about it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/06/2015 20:40

I can understand how someone can get lost in their thoughts/listening to music/whatever, and not notice that someone needs the empty seat next to them.

If it's me, or dh or any of the dses who has zoned out, I see absolutely nothing wrong with a polite request for us to move over. I do try to stay aware, but we are all only human.

Pumpkinpositive · 16/06/2015 20:41

If you were to say something to your boyfriend, you might hear something back that you don't like (ie, that he felt you were high handed with the teenager and agreed with the old man).

I think you've made the right decision. Hope you feel better soon.

QuintShhhhhh · 16/06/2015 20:50

Your gut feeling is probably right, but for the wrong reason. You asked a teenager to move along so you could sit - that sounded really rude! You then let him get up and walk away without explaining what you had meant. You did not ask him to move in so you could sit, but to "move along", that is something very different! He saw a couple coming, how could he know there was a seat behind for your boyfriend?

I would not be surprised if your boyfriend was as shocked as the old man, so if you were to say anything, it should be along the lines of "oh blimey how embarassing, the young lad thought I meant for him to vacate the seat, when I just wanted for him to move into the window seat!"

There was nothing really your boyfriend could have said or done in this situation, to either support or back you up, he might have felt very embarrassed at your conduct.

MistressDeeCee · 16/06/2015 20:57

Im sorry you went through that OP. Horrible, aggressive old man of course its upsetting, and I bet a lot of the "so what" comments regarding your boyfriend not standing up for you are making you feel a whole lot worse than you do. Its what too many people love to do..when they gauge a person is feeling like shit, they turn the screw

Yes in your situation I would have wanted my boyfriend to say something, this man was very confrontational I guess he leaned across your boyfriend to get to you? Your boyfriend could have said something to him, didnt have to be confrontational or rude at all but personally I couldnt respect a partner who simply sat there and let a man speak to me aggressively, and push his fingers at my face. Thats a lot different to say, someone muttering at you as you walk past. You couldn't ignore this man as he made sure you couldn't ignore him.

You've a right to feel as you do. I hope you are feeling better soon. & maybe if you have any other issue post in Relationships not on AIBU

Lashalicious · 16/06/2015 23:36

I think the teen thought you wanted both so eats for you and your boyfriend; you told him to move along and he saw there were two of you. Moving along is different than moving over. If someone told me to move along, I would take that to mean to leave the area. So I think he misunderstood what you meant.

He may have moved far enough away from you so quickly that you would have had to follow him to tell him that you'd only meant for him to move over for you and that you'd meant your boyfriend to have a vacant seat that was behind, which the teen would likely not have been aware of until he got up and moved away and by then he just decided to stand; these are all quick little decisions that ended up cementing the misunderstanding and this is what the old man observed.

If the old man had been a gentleman and he thought you had been intentionally rude (which you did not mean to come across that way) he could have stopped by the teen and commended his good manners.

You say the old man leaned over your boyfriend and stuck his finger in your face. I believe a good way to handle it would have been for your boyfriend to gently but firmly put his hand up straight, and slowly deflect the man's hand away from you, then say, "my girlfriend did not mean for the young man to leave, only to move over, and I was going to take the seat behind. I understand how it may have looked to you. We'll say a word to the young man and explain. Thank you."

Yes, very few of us, including myself, are self possessed enough to think of what to do at the time...if he was so taken aback and/or it happened so fast, then I think your boyfriend should have shown you a tiny bit if solidarity, agreed with the ladies and patted you on the hand or shoulder, something to acknowledge what happened instead of acting like nothing happened. So yes, I think he should have done something, of course not confrontational, but at least supportive of you in a small way. I don't know why the choice of action has to be either nothing or punching the man out. There is a middle way that preserves the dignity of all.

Lashalicious · 16/06/2015 23:37

seats, not so eats !

Lashalicious · 16/06/2015 23:42

only to ask if he would mind moving over one seat instead of only to move over

cedricsneer · 16/06/2015 23:49

I worry about the emotional support you seem to need from your bf. Best to get some proper help for the anxiety and depression before he burns out jumping through hoops trying to do the right thing to support you. One person cannot be all things to another person.

Gemauve · 16/06/2015 23:50

Getting into fights on buses with old men is a rapid route to the courts. Someone was rude. The smart money is on doing nothing, because there is absolutely no way it ends well otherwise.

youareallbonkers · 17/06/2015 00:08

I would consider myself reasonably outspoken but I would never ask someone to move seats, even to shove along one, so I could sit in a more agreeable position. How rude.

younggifted · 17/06/2015 00:32

I agree with that - I would have just sat by the window

CactusAnnie · 17/06/2015 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sykadelic · 17/06/2015 02:05

I'm going to agree that I think asking him to move was rude. It's one thing to say "excuse me, do you mind if I sit there?" whilst pointing at the window seat, but rude to ask someone to be blocked in by you simply because you wanted a "better" seat (as some see it). Then he had the choice of sliding over or letting you squeeze in.

The elderly man was rude in his manner and wording, but he obviously felt you were rude to ask someone to move for you and wanted to point that out to you.

However, while you feel your BF should have been chivalrous and stood up for you (that's what you want even though you say its not) but there wasn't really anything to say. The elderly man was walking away, there's no need to inflame the situation by arguing back when it gains nothing. Also, some people don't agree with arguing with the elderly, no matter what they're doing wrong (which is why they tend to get away with being ruder than the average rude person).

Anyway, it's over now. The other people on the bus agreed the man was rude.

swiggityswoogity · 17/06/2015 04:11

LTB he should have challenged him to a duel and turned his coprse into a stole.

your honour has been impugned

Atenco · 17/06/2015 04:31

I haven't read the entire thread, but very early on in my adult life I learnt that it is much safer all round to deal with aggro myself and not to involve any of my male friends. Things can really escalate between men and this is seldom good.

QuintShhhhhh · 17/06/2015 09:25

If you really only meant to ask the lad to move in to the window seat, why did you not explain this to the elderly man yourself?

He may have been gruffy, but he was just sticking up for a teenager that had been rudely dismissed from his own seat!

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 17/06/2015 09:37

I think YABU.

Unless you really want the sort of boyfriend that gets into stand up rows with people at the drop of a hat.

Branleuse · 17/06/2015 09:42

Your boyfriend couldnt have done anything in that situation anymore than you could. He was right to ignore it

BadLad · 17/06/2015 10:08

Did anybody else read the title and then open the thread expecting to read that the OP was annoyed because she came in to a room and her boyfriend didn't stand up when a lady entered?

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