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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My new boyfriend didn't stand up for me

167 replies

TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 18:35

I'm going though a really tough time at the moment with a lot of serious personal problems, so maybe I'm overreacting and being over sensitive here.

Something minor happened today but it's left me feeling sad and disappointed.

My new boyfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema. We got on a crowded bus and I saw an Isle seat spare and directly in front if it was a teenage boy sitting in an Isle seat with the window seat spare. So I approached him and asked if he could move along so I could sit down (intending boyfriend to sit behind me). He said "no problem, I'll move" and got up and went and stood at the front of the bus. I was confused as I'd only asked him to move along, but proceeded to sit down and my boyfriend sat next to me.

All through the journey an old man who was sitting nearby stared at me. Then later on he got up and as he was leaving he leaned over my boyfriend and pointed his finger in my face and said "I wouldn't have moved for you. No way would I have moved for you." And walked off the bus. Two women sitting behind us started gasping in shock and told me not to take any notice. Boyfriend just sat there. He did nothing. I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment due to serious issues in my life and he did nothing.

This is not a case of me wanting chivalry. It's a case of someone who professes to love me, standing up for me when he knows I'm currently very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel sad and disappointed, even worried that my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I thought he was.

OP posts:
CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 19:44

If the man said it, then walked off the bus, what could your boyfriend have done? Dragged him back onto the bus to have it out with him?

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 19:46

"I don't see a situation in which the BF could win. If he had have defended the OP and the old man had spoken back her anxiety would have risen, if he says nothing the OP's anxiety has risen."

I do agree with this ~ if it had escalated into a confrontation it would surely have been even more distressing for you, OP.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 15/06/2015 19:58

Another one agreeing that it is best to walk away without further confrontation in this situation.

But, I would be shaken too. And would prob have tears.

Did BF offer you comfort after the event? Or did he totally ignore the situation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 20:10

It's very important to have the sort of relationship you need. I would HATE to have a man fighting my battles for me. However, if you want a 'gentleman' who sticks up for you and manages your interactions with other people, you are allowed to want that. It's just not wrong for him not to.

YABU to expect him to act a certain way or require him to.

YANBU to have needs and wants in your relationship. He may not be the man for you but he's not 'wrong'.

ahbollocks · 15/06/2015 20:29

And OP try and relax, read something silly or have a bubblebath and a chinese for tea. I totally get the crying, I totally lost my shit when a shop assistant refused to sell me a computer game I wanted to buy dh, cried right in the middle of tesco.

Momagain1 · 15/06/2015 20:31

Basically, you wish your boufriend had also been a rude and aggressive twat, just like the old guy. YABU.

There is absolutely nothing your boyfriend could have done or said in that short amount of time that wouldnt have made him look as bad, or worse.

OTOH, he could have joined in with the little old ladies in reassuring you. that, by your description, he sat like a lump through that stage as well, is far more bothersome than his not becoming belligerent on your behalf.

KatelynB · 15/06/2015 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 15/06/2015 20:41

Eh I don't get that. If you're in an aisle seat and blocking off a window seat, it's reasonable to move to the window so other people can sit down if they need a seat. Otherwise they'd have to climb over you! It's reasonable to ask someone politely to move along surely?

Petridish · 15/06/2015 20:42

Oh - I hate crying in public! I did it today when someone was nice to me after a horrible neighbour shouted at me.

KatelynB · 15/06/2015 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/06/2015 20:58

They could have sat in different seats,Katelyn, except the window seat was blocked by the teenager so one would have had to stand. They still would have been sitting in different seats if the teenager had either moved over or allowed the OP past to sit in the window seat.

It is not at all unreasonable to ask someone to move up/over/along on a nearly full bus where someone is blocking one of the seats.

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 21:00

It sounds like you're trying to distract yourself away from the anxiety/depression you're going through and putting too much focus on something silly like your BF not standing up for you. Correct me if I'm wrong but this is something I used to do quite often without realising.

I think your BF would have been as stunned as you and everyone else were so I wouldn't give it another thought. Hope you feel better soon.

Gabilan · 15/06/2015 21:50

"If two adults get on a bus together, they can sit in different seats if the bus is full surely?"

The OP has said her intention was for her to sit in the aisle seat vacated by the teenager, for the teenager to take the window seat and for her boyfriend to sit behind her. It was nice of the teenager to move. (In that situation I just point to the vacant seat and ask if it's free, then they have the choice of moving over or letting me past to the free seat but that's not the crux of the issue here!)

OP when my depression is bad the only people who manage not to inadvertently upset me are my brother and an old friend who also has MH problems. I'm aware of this and know my radar is off so tend to avoid company if I'm very depressed. (Which I know can make it worse!) If I were you I'd just have a quiet chat with your boyfriend. Explain that the incident upset you. Public confrontation is upsetting to many people and particularly so if you're ill and anxious. You'll probably find he didn't want to cause a scene, was just surprised and didn't know how to react for the best. Explain that it would be nice if anything similar happens for him to ask if you're OK and need some comfort.

Depression is a difficult illness to deal with, both for the sufferer and the people around them who care about them.

mileend2bermondsey · 15/06/2015 23:21

If you're in an aisle seat and blocking off a window seat, it's reasonable to move to the window so other people can sit down if they need a seat
No. I specifically chose an aisle seat on busses because I am tall and if am 10x more comfortable sitting with my legs diagonally, with one in the aisle. If the bus gets busy then another passenger is perfectly welcome to sit next to me and I will move my legs or stand up so they can sit in the window seat. But i wont be moving over into an uncomfortable position when I specifically chose to sit in a seat where my legs arent squashed.

MrsNextDoor · 15/06/2015 23:28

It was an old man! He hardly threatened you with a weapon....

Trembler49 · 15/06/2015 23:38

It's important you get rid of your boyfriend immediately. He doesn't deserve you any longer.

SoleSource · 15/06/2015 23:46

Well I think your boyfriend as correct. The man got off the bus, End of. Maybe the old man had a knife? Who knows!

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 16/06/2015 00:10

I think that if you are strong enough to be demanding, you are not that low as to not be able to stand up for yourself.

Mermaidhair · 16/06/2015 00:14

Yabu to ask the boy to move over. You should have just sat in the window seat. Or let him know you wanted to sit there. The boy was sitting in the aisle seat, where he was probably quite happy. When the boy got up, did you offer to give him back his seat? I would be embarrassed if someone thought they had to move for me. Different if you and partner were disabled. The elderly man obviously didn't like what he saw and thought he would give it to you. It's not a big deal, maybe your partner didn't want to escalate the situation and upset you further. I'm sorry you are having an awful time, I know the feeling. Flowers I am always more sensitive when I'm suffering.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 16/06/2015 00:46

Presuming the teenager had more than half a brain cell if he was desperate to sit in the aisle seat specifically he could have explained that to the OP when she asked him to move across. And then offered her the window seat.

Only in AIBU (and that weird subsection of rude elderly people on buses) does this situation cause so much angst.

NickiFury · 16/06/2015 01:02

How ridiculous. I would have laughed at what a chump he was being I would also hope any boyfriend I had would do the same, as we'd be on the same page.

MNpostingbot · 16/06/2015 14:06

Sounds like the other bloke was a madman and your boyfriend was wise to just let it go.

What did you want, him to jump off the bus and hit him? Say something and risk it escalating further.

There are regularly aibus where husbanda / boyfriends ought to say something to a MIL, friend etc where there is an ongoing relationship and saying something may actually benefit you....
....how does him speaking to this guy have a long term benefit? How likely are you to get on the same bus, with the same old guy and face the same aisle seating challenges?

So YABU and my sympathies with your boyfriend

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 14:19

So he allowed the old codger to say his piece without intimidating him, but did not allow you to come to harm.

What did he do wrong, exactly?

CatsCantTwerk · 16/06/2015 14:45

Maybe Your bf agreed with what the old man said?

TwerkingSpinster · 16/06/2015 14:45

Op, if it's playing on your mind and bringing you to tears then of course you should speak to your boyfriend. You don't have to make it about his lack of action, you can just vent about the bitter old man and how shitty it made you feel. And.... Some people just seem to honestly not get flustered by this stuff, he might be massively underestimating how its made you feel.

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