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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My new boyfriend didn't stand up for me

167 replies

TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 18:35

I'm going though a really tough time at the moment with a lot of serious personal problems, so maybe I'm overreacting and being over sensitive here.

Something minor happened today but it's left me feeling sad and disappointed.

My new boyfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema. We got on a crowded bus and I saw an Isle seat spare and directly in front if it was a teenage boy sitting in an Isle seat with the window seat spare. So I approached him and asked if he could move along so I could sit down (intending boyfriend to sit behind me). He said "no problem, I'll move" and got up and went and stood at the front of the bus. I was confused as I'd only asked him to move along, but proceeded to sit down and my boyfriend sat next to me.

All through the journey an old man who was sitting nearby stared at me. Then later on he got up and as he was leaving he leaned over my boyfriend and pointed his finger in my face and said "I wouldn't have moved for you. No way would I have moved for you." And walked off the bus. Two women sitting behind us started gasping in shock and told me not to take any notice. Boyfriend just sat there. He did nothing. I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment due to serious issues in my life and he did nothing.

This is not a case of me wanting chivalry. It's a case of someone who professes to love me, standing up for me when he knows I'm currently very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel sad and disappointed, even worried that my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I thought he was.

OP posts:
Goshthatsspicy · 15/06/2015 18:59

The man hurt your feelings/frightened you. It isn't unusual to feel shakey a bit later.
It wouldn't have helped to make it worse.

binspin · 15/06/2015 19:00

Forgot to say, 'well done to the boy who moved'. People say awful stuff about teenagers but you found a lovely one.

Vivacia · 15/06/2015 19:01

It happened literally 20mins ago and I am still crying. I must be a fruitcake. I can't seem to stop the tears.

I think you should accept that your reaction is out of proportion and probably a really big sign from your body that it's low on resilience and needs some serious TLC. Ask your boyfriend for a hug and be gentle on yourself tonight.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/06/2015 19:01

White flag. You don't have to accept anything on here. What you feel is what you feel and no one had the right to validate "your" feelings.
Just because most have waded in saying your over reacting. That's their opinion. It doesn't have to be yours, and I wouldn't say someone pointing in your face is a non event. I actually think that is very threatening behaviour to be honest!

Heels99 · 15/06/2015 19:01

See your gp and get some help.
He you feel better soon.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 15/06/2015 19:01

As for your tears, I don't give a damn what people think of me, but confrontations in public with strangers really shake me. I cried for ages after a man gave me a public bollocking for clipping his wing mirror (it wasn't my fault, I had been crowded over by another driver but he wouldn't listen). It was awful. I suffer from anxiety too. Sometimes you are just holding it together and something like that really knocks you over.

But, to another person it might seem more like "meh, rude bloke on bus" and they wouldn't think twice about it, so your BF might not understand how upsetting it was.

Tangerineandturquoise · 15/06/2015 19:01

You are crying because you are in a fragile state- but just because you are crying it doesn't make your BF in the wrong- he may well have been in a better frame of mind to judge the entire situation, from how you spoke to the teen to what the state of the man was.
Would you have liked to still be on the bus now waiting for the paramedics to tend to your BF because some out of the loop old man pulled a knife or walking stick on him?
If your gut says your BF is wrong it's probably about more than this incident.

lilivonshtupp · 15/06/2015 19:04

There is something really awful though about strangers having a go at you for no reason.

TheWhite - I remember having a cow of an old woman yell at me because my pram (complete with 2 week old DS) was about to start gently rolling down a hill while I was turning to do and emergency something with my toddler DD. She then went off muttering very loudly about "terrible mothers blah blah blah".
Yes, I was so sleep addled and stupid that I shouldn't have forgotten to put the brake on, and she (in fairness) had done me a favour pointing it out, but her abruptness and nastiness made me feel so teary the rest of the day. (and the next, and the next)

I think if my OH had been there and hadn't said anything I would have been upset too.
Deep breaths OP, let tomorrow be a better day. Flowers

steff13 · 15/06/2015 19:06

he may well have been in a better frame of mind to judge the entire situation, from how you spoke to the teen to what the state of the man was

This is a good point, I think. If you are in a fragile state of mind right now, your perception of the entire circumstance may be a bit skewed.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 15/06/2015 19:06

Lili, last time I was pregnant, I actually cried when a stranger had a go at someone else about their tantrumming toddler. Blush I went over to say something supportive to the mum who had been yelled at, but couldn't get it out because I was blubbing so just gave her a nice pat on the arm.

If you;re easily moved to tears it can be a bit of a pain!

Whathaveilost · 15/06/2015 19:06

I think you are crying over it is way OTT which just show (IMO) you have blown things or of proportion.

I put myself in your situation and situations that have been similar (ie someone has had an unnecessary grump at me) and thought how I would react. I would have said 'whatever' probably under my breath and in my head thought 'get to fuck'. If I had spoken to DH about it I would have said ' what was that grumpy git on'

I know you are feeling low but try to shake it off.

Original poster
TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 19:07

Thanks everyone. I'll not bring it up with boyfriend.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 15/06/2015 19:07

You're not a fruitcake, you're obv v down and looking for issues that really aren't there. The older man was horrible, but your boyfriend probably saw it as a non event, which it was.

I don't think there's anything to be concerned about re your boyfriend, sometimes the best option is to say nothing and move on. I hope you're getting help for your anxiety OP.

lilivonshtupp · 15/06/2015 19:09

Cat - that really IS fragile! Grin But then, small injustices can be just as heart-wrenching as enormous ones, can't they. I wonder if the brain can't separate the tiny from the huge sometimes. Especially when you are not in your 'proper' state of mind.

flanjabelle · 15/06/2015 19:09

Sorry You are having such a hard time op. I do think that your bf did the right thing though. I think surely him reacting to the situation and possibly inflaming it would be harder for you to deal with in an anxious state. Perhaps he thought that he didn't want to make it worse and cause you more stress.

What has he said about the situation?

ahbollocks · 15/06/2015 19:10

No way would be chivalrous dh have a pop at an old man. If the man was violent or in my face yes. If not nope!

flanjabelle · 15/06/2015 19:10

Sorry x post

SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2015 19:12

Are you already getting help for your anxiety/depression? If not, please do so. For your boyfriend's sake as well as your own: these types of illness can make a person incredibly hard work to be around.

saresywaresy2 · 15/06/2015 19:12

I think your bf did the right thing too. he didn't make a scene which could have been more upsetting. It was a horrible thing to happen, and the shock has made you cry. You've done nothing at all wrong. The teenage boy sounds sweet. Not all old people are ((())))

firesidechat · 15/06/2015 19:14

I think you're being a bit unfair on your boyfriend.

Those sort of situations are often over before they've begun and it takes some quick thinking to do anything before the other person has moved on and it's too late. In any case it could well have escalated unnecessarily.

Personally I don't go much for the knight in shining armour cliche and it's much more likely that I would do the standing up in my family. My husband hates public spates on any kind and on the whole I'm more than capable of holding my own. In the circumstance you describe I think I would have left it well alone and had a moan later. Much as you are doing.

aintgonnabenorematch · 15/06/2015 19:15

The old man didn't threaten or abuse you. He said he wouldn't have moved for you. He should have kept if to himself but he really didn't say anything upsetting.

I'm not sure what you expected your BF to stick up for you about?.

Sorry you're feeling low. Don't think about this any more and look after yourself.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/06/2015 19:15

I don't see a situation in which the BF could win. If he had have defended the OP and the old man had spoken back her anxiety would have risen, if he says nothing the OP's anxiety has risen.

Yarp · 15/06/2015 19:16

Sorry you feel so down and vulnerable at the moment

But my very caring DH of 18 years would not have said anything in those circumstances, other than to maybe comfort me. The man was behaving oddly, he was on his way off the bus. Nothing to be gained in rowing with someone who is rude and irrational

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/06/2015 19:34

The old man didn't threaten or abuse you.

It's difficult to know without being there, but generally if I was sitting down and someone leant over the person next to me to get in my face and pointed their finger in my face, I would take that as threatening. That sort of body language is certainly meant to be. He could have said what he did without that.

Petridish · 15/06/2015 19:39

Hi OP - I've just had a run in with a nasty old man today, so I sympathise. Like you I suffer from anxiety and depression and was left terribly upset and shaken.

I don't think either you or your bf could have done much - best just to walk away.

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