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AIBU?

My new boyfriend didn't stand up for me

167 replies

TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 18:35

I'm going though a really tough time at the moment with a lot of serious personal problems, so maybe I'm overreacting and being over sensitive here.

Something minor happened today but it's left me feeling sad and disappointed.

My new boyfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema. We got on a crowded bus and I saw an Isle seat spare and directly in front if it was a teenage boy sitting in an Isle seat with the window seat spare. So I approached him and asked if he could move along so I could sit down (intending boyfriend to sit behind me). He said "no problem, I'll move" and got up and went and stood at the front of the bus. I was confused as I'd only asked him to move along, but proceeded to sit down and my boyfriend sat next to me.

All through the journey an old man who was sitting nearby stared at me. Then later on he got up and as he was leaving he leaned over my boyfriend and pointed his finger in my face and said "I wouldn't have moved for you. No way would I have moved for you." And walked off the bus. Two women sitting behind us started gasping in shock and told me not to take any notice. Boyfriend just sat there. He did nothing. I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment due to serious issues in my life and he did nothing.

This is not a case of me wanting chivalry. It's a case of someone who professes to love me, standing up for me when he knows I'm currently very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel sad and disappointed, even worried that my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I thought he was.

OP posts:

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lilivonshtupp · 15/06/2015 18:49

I would let it go now.

If he is a gentleman and is being kind to you when you are clearly feeling anxious and low, then surely raking up "you know when you didn't tell off an old man" is just a bit of a wind up.

MammaTJ · 15/06/2015 18:49

Nope, not getting the little wallflower vibe here. You were ballsy enough to go and ask someone to move for your convenience, you should have enough about you to stick up for yourself.

Pagwatch · 15/06/2015 18:50

Why are you 'glad' that some people don't think you are over reacting?

You would prefer that your boyfriend had actually let you down rather than just not escalating a minor incident?

Vivacia · 15/06/2015 18:51

You wanted him to shout at an elderly (presumably at least slightly troubled) man in public?

TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 18:51

Ballsy enough to ask someone if they could move over? In a crowded bus, with a window seat spare, is that ballsy?

OP posts:

googoodolly · 15/06/2015 18:51

Nope, not getting the little wallflower vibe here. You were ballsy enough to go and ask someone to move for your convenience, you should have enough about you to stick up for yourself.

I agree with this, sorry OP. I understand you're low but it seems like you're too shy to stand up for yourself when confronted, but you're happy to speak up when it conveniences you?

saoirse31 · 15/06/2015 18:51

He was right to say nothing. minor in codenamed, right not to inflame it. Think you are completely over reacting.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/06/2015 18:53

I think some of you could be a bit kinder to be honest. She's not saying she wanted him to get up and give the old man a crack. She's just saying she wanted him to offer her support. A little are you okay ...... Wouldn't have gone a miss. It's not a lot to ask for from someone who supposedly loves you is it

Goshthatsspicy · 15/06/2015 18:54

With respect flag if what happened is exactly as you've described. I don't think anything really happened.
When l lived in London, l would have considered that a non-event. Especially as travelling on the bus is ripe for confrontation. I think you're unwell at the moment, and it is seeming worse for you.

MammaTJ · 15/06/2015 18:55

Ballsy enough to ask someone if they could move over? In a crowded bus, with a window seat spare, is that ballsy?

Well, it's not the action of someone laid so low they should not be able to speak up for themselves.

NRomanoff · 15/06/2015 18:55

Yabu it's not your bus job to stand up for you. I wouldn't recommend it either, you don't know where it will end. Possibly with someone getting hurt. It happened so quickly that he was also probably as shocked as you.

It does sound as though the conversation between you and the teenager came across in a way you didn't mean though. Could your bf possibly think that you were rude to the teenager?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/06/2015 18:55

I think lili is right - the way he is being supportive to you at the moment says more about his character than a single incident on a bus.

Unreasonableandpetty · 15/06/2015 18:55

What pagwatch said.
I'm really not sure what your bf could have done that would have made any difference. The man said his piece and walked off. It was over and done with. If your bf had said something you have no idea where it could have ended. It could have made the whole thing a totally worse situation.

MythicalKings · 15/06/2015 18:55

YABU and over reacting. I don't know what you expected him to do.

Hassled · 15/06/2015 18:56

Sorry, but I think your BF was right to say nothing too - you have to pick your battles, and that wasn't one of them. Old man was harmless - it was an unnecessary comment, but that's the extent of it. Saying something would have caused pointless upset.

But please don't confuse your BF saying nothing as him not caring - he obviously made an assessment of the situation and decided (rightly, I think) that saying nothing was the best thing. That's not the same as not caring.

TheWhiteFlag · 15/06/2015 18:56

Okay, I am willing to accept that I am being unreasonable. I'm just finding it hard to ignore my gut instinct that this situation was wrong. It happened literally 20mins ago and I am still crying. I must be a fruitcake. I can't seem to stop the tears.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 15/06/2015 18:56

I agree with pagwatch :
I think you are just a bit embarrassed and wishing it hadn't happened, so you are kind of being angry at your boyfriend rather than the man who is long gone.

It wasn't a pleasant remark for the old man to have made, and I think it would have stunned most people into silence. Also most of us have been taught to respect our elders so there's an element of not wanting to challenge that.

Bring it up with your BF by all means, but if I were him I'd be very surprised if you told him the depth of your feelings about this isolated and rather strange incident.

How long have you been going out with your BF? Are you in the right frame of mind to be dating at the minute?

googoodolly · 15/06/2015 18:57

People aren't being mean.

This guy is in a relatively new relationship and OP has said she is dealing with a LOT right now. Depression and anxiety are hard enough to deal with in long-term, committed relationships, let alone in a relationship where you're still getting to know each other. The fact that he's stuck by her through her problems after just six months says a HELL of a lot more about him than not saying something to a stranger on a bus.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 15/06/2015 18:57

As a man, your boyfriend is far more likely to be attacked/get into a fight in a public situation like that. He may have learned when to hang back and not make things worse when other men are unpredictable.

I do think he could have said something nice to you, though, like the women did. I would definitely be talking to him about it, but not in a confrontational way – just "I found that man really scary, I wasn't sure if you were going to say something" and see what he has to say.

AuntyMag10 · 15/06/2015 18:57

You are overreacting. Yes that man was rude to do that but it really wasn't something to get into an argument with someone over. You are expecting far too much from your bf and you've only been together for 6 months!

binspin · 15/06/2015 18:58

What did you want him to say?

It was hardly that the man was ranting and raving at you was it. I'd prefer to be with someone who doesn't do confrontation on public transport than one who did. Nowt to do with chivalry more to do with manners.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 15/06/2015 18:58

What did you expect your boyfriend to do or say?
YABU

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Heels99 · 15/06/2015 18:58

YOu Are frankly being ridiculouS. There is no need to respond to every nutter who speaks to you in the bus. So you didn't like what the man said, so what. You and your boyfriend both chose to ignore it which was the best approach.

Move on.

BreadmakerFan · 15/06/2015 18:59

Being down doesn't excuse being demanding. Demanding of the teenager and demanding of your boyfriend.

This is such a strange situation I'm wondering what to make of it to be honest.

steff13 · 15/06/2015 18:59

If you're very anxious and depressed, perhaps crowded public transportation is not the best option for you right now.

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