My new boyfriend didn't stand up for me

[TheWhiteFlag]

I'm going though a really tough time at the moment with a lot of serious personal problems, so maybe I'm overreacting and being over sensitive here.

Something minor happened today but it's left me feeling sad and disappointed.

My new boyfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema. We got on a crowded bus and I saw an Isle seat spare and directly in front if it was a teenage boy sitting in an Isle seat with the window seat spare. So I approached him and asked if he could move along so I could sit down (intending boyfriend to sit behind me). He said "no problem, I'll move" and got up and went and stood at the front of the bus. I was confused as I'd only asked him to move along, but proceeded to sit down and my boyfriend sat next to me.

All through the journey an old man who was sitting nearby stared at me. Then later on he got up and as he was leaving he leaned over my boyfriend and pointed his finger in my face and said "I wouldn't have moved for you. No way would I have moved for you." And walked off the bus. Two women sitting behind us started gasping in shock and told me not to take any notice. Boyfriend just sat there. He did nothing. I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment due to serious issues in my life and he did nothing.

This is not a case of me wanting chivalry. It's a case of someone who professes to love me, standing up for me when he knows I'm currently very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel sad and disappointed, even worried that my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I thought he was.

[Pumpkinpositive]

Did anybody else read the title and then open the thread expecting to read that the OP was annoyed because she came in to a room and her boyfriend didn't stand up when a lady entered?

No.

But I like the way you think.

[GRT]

I probably would have done this, but been ready to (gently) stand up and move the (probably fragile) old man away from you should he attempt to hurt you.

Being the gorilla of the piece carries responsibilities, you know - not just to you the girlfriend, but to the other people in the situation who might be hurt or frightened if you escalate it, to the injuries that might happen if you excite an old man and he gets scared or worse attempts to hit people, to children who are present. A man who escalated that situation or turned it into a problem would be a worrying man.

It sounds like your new boyfriend is just not a massive tit.

[Sallyingforth]

I must have a dirty mind.
I read the title and thought he needed viagra :(

[londonrach]

Your boyfriend did well not to say anything to the old man as why make a situation

[wannaBe]

There is a man who lives somewhere round here who has some kind of learning disability, but who often travels alone on the buses. He shouts and abuses any teenagers who get on the bus which tbh can be quite intimidating for them. Anyway one day we got on the bus only to discover that a woman had stood up to this man and was screeching and swearing at him from the back of the bus while he sat at the front and shouted back at her. Somewhere in the middle was this woman's young dd who was clearly upset, and who the woman was accusing this man of having upset. Tbh, she was by far the worst of the two, had she just kept her mouth shut he may well have grumbled and shouted at the kids, but the exchange which took place was far far worse than that. The reason her daughter was crying was clearly because of her not because of the man....

Sometimes we encounter unpleasant people on public transport. But given the man was leaving anyway there was nothing to be achieved by having a confrontation after he'd said his piece and then left...

I was called a fucking idiot by someone at Charing cross station two weeks ago because I wouldn't let him past me on the escalator, after my ds explained that my guide dog needs space to run off and can't risk anyone being in front of me when we get to the end.... I have absolutely no doubt that my dp would have confronted him if he'd been there, but he wasn't. And tbh, I could have done as well, but there is little to be gained from it. Me confronting him wouldn't make him any less of an obnoxious arsehole and would just make my day a bit more stressful. So better just to roll my eyes and walk away...

Had he been up for an actul confrontation I would certainly have been able to stick up for myself though and wouldn't need any man to do it for me...

[hibbledibble]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down op. I really feel your bf has not done anything wrong here however, and you need to look at why you are so upset by this. (Which is not a usual reaction).

I hope you get the help you need.

I believe that the old man interpreted that you ask for someone's seat when you had no visible disability, which may have annoyed him.

Fwiw I think you must have a reasonable degree of confidence to ask someone to move.

When I was pregnant and in severe pain due to SPD I avoided asking for seats. (People saw me and loomed away. I only asked once and found it so awkward. Everyone looked at each other and there was an awkward silence while everyone was waiting if someone else would move. After that I stood in agony)

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Ugh. I'd bet that old man's favourite topic of conversation is "Why can't I hit women? Women can hit men!!" I know the type well. I am sure he would have said nothing if you'd asked a woman to move.

And being that type I doubt he would have touched your boyfriend! However you can't know that, and would you want him to potentially get into a fight with an ignorant old man over that comment? Just try to put it behind you.

It's a case of be careful what you wish for. If you have the kind of boyfriend who'll start a fight to 'protect your honour' at a moments notice, he'll probably turn out to be the kind of man you'll need to escape from at some point. If your BF is a good person, he doesn't have to be He-Man. But if you don't like him, move on.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

TheWhiteFlag

The quickest and best way to deal with the situation was to ignore that man, as you boyfriend did. I have seen what can happen when people don't. I was on a bus on a Sunday afternoon with my children when one middle aged man asked a younger man to turn his music down, they argued, then a third bloke (also middle aged) leapt up and headbutted the bloke who had asked for the music to go down. A totally unprovoked attack from a third party who decided to join in.

Situations can escalate quickly and unexpectedly so often the best route is to ignore the initial provocation.

[Lashalicious]

I want to add to my previous post that, if it were me, I would have done as the poster above and asked the teenager "do you mind if I sit there?" and indicated the vacant seat beside him. Your boyfriend would then take the other vacant seat behind. In other words, instead of attempting to shuffle people around so that you could be in closest proximity to your boyfriend (not necessary, now if you had a young child with you, I could understand), simply quietly sit down in the vacant seats that are available.

However, when you found yourself in the situation with the teen and the elderly man, then as in my previous post, I think your boyfriend should have gently deflected the man's hand away and explained that his girlfriend did not mean for the teen to leave, only to ask if he minded moving one seat over, that you two understood why it looked that way to the man, and that you both will explain to the teenager, and thank the man.

[SakuraSakura]

YABU your boyfriend was completely right to stay quiet. Things can escalate, it's better to leave people like that off. YANBU to be upset, you're shaken after the confrontation, but your upset is completely misdirected at your boyfriend. Hope you are getting support.

[keepitsimple0]

I don't know if I would have reacted either simply because I don't understand the point. Why wouldn't he get up for you?

There are crazies all over. The most I would have said is keep your fingers to yourself (the most egregious part of it was sticking his finger in your face).

[Gottagetmoving]

Its a non event from what I can see. Old man on bus gets a bit aggressive verbally?
He didn't hurt you or threaten you - he just ranted he wouldn't have moved for you. He may have dementia, he may be vulnerable himself.
There was no need for anyone to do anything unless you wanted to just ask him why he was being so aggressive?

I wouldn't expect anyone to 'stand up for me' in those circumstances, Feeling vulnerable or not

[Preminstreltension]

I can't find if you mentioned your bf said something to you afterwards.

I think it's normal not to say anything at the time - you don't want to get involved with random weirdos. Best just to stay silent as you did as long as it doesn't get out of hand. Men especially are well advised to keep their heads down as things can kick off in unexpected ways.

But he should have taken care of you after as that is a nasty thing to happen. Ie, given you a hug, said don't worry it's over, etc etc.

[yoursfan]

What did you expect him to do, exactly? Throw down a cape? Challenge him to a duel?

[Tiptops]

Why are some people exaggerating and coming up with silly jokes about what the OP allegedly wanted her boyfriend to do?

I can understand the OP wanting her partner to stand up for her. If someone was so intimidating to me, I'd expect my partner to tell them to back off and not be so rude too. It isn't a chivalry thing, as I would do the same in return for my partner/ loved ones. I can't imagine just sitting there silently while someone I cared about had a nasty man point his finger in their face. Even if you can't come up with some witty reply on the spot, instinctively you defend those you care about.

Nasty and spiteful people like the old man described often stay that way because they're never confronted on their bad behaviour.

[Lashalicious]

Tiptops, you're exactly right. I would also say there's nothing wrong with chivalry, we need more of that! And no, that doesn't mean throwing down capes, or duels, or punching people out or cursing or aggression or escalating a situation. He could have gently deflected the man's hand and explained the misunderstanding. I think a man does have a duty to be chivalrous and a gentleman, that is something to be admired!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Men between 18 and 30 are at greatest risk of being a victim of violent crime. I don't blame a bloke for deciding not to escalate a situation with an aggressive person who was getting off anyway. Sometimes chivalry may make a tense situation worse. If the man was already stroppy are you sure he wouldn't have made an even bigger fuss if his hand was deflected?

[Yarp]

Chazs

Yes. In the past I have said things to people, or intervened in a way that I absolutely would not want my teenage son or my middle-aged husband to do

[Yarp]

...because aggressive people are sometimes just looking for an excuse to start something physical - and don't have the guts to do that to a woman

[Gemauve]

He could have gently deflected the man's hand and explained the misunderstanding.

Otherwise known as (and looking on the CCTV shown to the court like) "making the first move in a fight". Old bloke hadn't touched the OP. If the OP's boyfriend then grabbed his hand ("gently deflected" is the sort of distinction that is in reality impossible to make) then they've escalated it.

because aggressive people are sometimes just looking for an excuse to start something physical - and don't have the guts to do that to a woman

It would appear that you and the OP are quite keen on the idea of people starting something physical, - and don't have the guts to do it yourself. If the OP wanted to grab some bloke's hand and remonstrate with him, she could perfectly well have done so herself.

[oabiti]

Sorry, OP, not read all of the thread, but wouldn't it have been easier to ask kind teenage boy to sit behind you so that you & your boyfriend could have sat together, thus not making the kind teenage boy feel like he had to stand and thus stopping grumpy old man letting rip or am I investing too much time and energy into this?

[lozster]

I reckon the teenager understood but was probably getting off the bus soon so vacated the seats completely.

I understand why you feel bad - it's not nice to be 'told off' especially when you haven't done anything wrong. I was upset to find a note on my car in a carpark saying I was a 'fucking selfish twat taking up too much space' when there were no lines to mark spaces and I had simply parked next to a car that had then left! I didn't even see the anonymous note writer but I was having a 'thin skinned' day and still felt upset.

I think your BF was bemused, confused and conflicted. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Fleecyleesy]

Probably your bf didn't have time to react before old man got off bus. Prob also thought the women reassuring you had solved the problem. Don't worry.

Agree teenager prob getting off soon and didn't mind standing the last bit.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Yarp]

Gemauve

No, I am not 'keen' on the idea of people starting something physical. And nor do I ever start something physical myself.

I am saying that an assertive word from a woman may have a better outcome than the same from a man , if someone is intent on becoming more aggressive.

Perhaps I didn't explain myself very well


In any case. The OP's situation was one where quick decisions would have to be made about how to respond. And in those situations sometimes nobody 9male or female) thinks what to do in time. And this is probably what happened

[Yarp]

Gemauve

Did you read the post of mine above the one you quoted?