to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

[velvetspoon]

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning

OF COURSE they'll call you if you've forgotten to supply something and yes OF COURSE they'll expect you to be contactable when they have your child. It's not paid childcare and you are are not the only woman who works

Have you noticed that OPs child is nearly 17? Do you really think the school should phone her if "she" has forgotten to supply him with something. Considering that children can live by themselves when they are 16 (DH and one of my school friends did) it's a bit over the top to say that OP is treating the school as childcare if they are not contactable every second of the day.

No I don't think that but as I said, this isn't a recent thing. It's been going on for years , since before they were teens . If it had started in the past year or so then yes - it's teen nonsense and they need to take responsibility

But these boys have been like this for years

Wow, Windchime
That's just nasty.

I don't see how what happened in the past is relevant to what should happen now.

Yes what a pointless and nasty post Windchime. How does an 11 year old taking himself to school equate to being 'dragged up'? Surely this is the norm? An average 11 old should be able to do this.

I presume he thought (probably correctly) that the supply teacher wouldn't be teaching anything though especially considering they only did their exams last week.

My DS had his last AS level exam last Friday. Lessons started again on Monday - they now have four weeks of A2 lessons. Any student who wants to go on to university would be a fool to miss any of these lessons just because they wanted a lie-in.

Bales, I don't get sick pay. If I don't work or work less, I can't pay my bills. If I can't pay them, we lose the house both boys have lived on for most/ all of their lives. I don't feel that would be in anyone's interest.

If my DSs were out of control (oh, I know I'll probably be told they are, and I'm too stupid to see it...), drinking, smoking, fighting, being brought home by the police, staying out late, being violent, I would probably try anything, including giving up my job (and taking the awful and pretty immediate financial consequences).

But they're not. Yes, they are a long way from being perfect. I do my best to impose rules and discipline. Which is not easy when I'm doing it completely on my own. Not to harp on about it, but I have no family, no help from my Ex (who isn't DS1s dad anyway), and until fairly recently I'd been single for a very long time. I don't have male friends, my DC don't have any positive role models other than me. I've done my best. Not as good as some, better than others.

As it stands, the worst that will happen if he doesn't improve is he might not get to uni. Or go but flunk out. It would be nice if he went, I hope he does, but there are lots of alternatives if he doesn't make it. I certainly won't view him as a failure if he doesn't go - some of the most successful people I know left school at 16/18. As a previous poster said, a spell of menial work might help him (this is why I'm encouraging him to get a pt job...)

I don't dispute I should be told if he's not at school.

When he was younger I never objected to being asked to pick him up if he was ill.

My issue now is being made to feel that it's all down to me, and on no way to DS. As said, I feel in the school's eyes it should be his responsibility to get himself to school. I should (and do) support that, sanction him for lateness pr missed lessons.

In the past, my issue was that his (previous) school insisted not just on him being collected if ill, but within a very short timescale I couldn't meet, working over an hour away. And that they insisted they had to be able to reach me at all times. Even though they wouldn't always be able to reach non working parents immediately. It was that unfairness that annoyed me. But it's long ago,a different school and I should probably let it go.

God no suburban can't wait to be shot of the place

Seriously though, yes they are teaching my child but whinging about the small things to parents means you just eye roll at every phone call.

It becomes ineffective really.

My DS had his last AS level exam last Friday. Lessons started again on Monday - they now have four weeks of A2 lessons. Any student who wants to go on to university would be a fool to miss any of these lessons just because they wanted a lie-in.

I was saying that they wouldn't be doing anything after the exams. I was suggesting that a supply teacher probably wouldn't be teaching them much the week after the exams. That is obviously what OPs ds thought anyway and he could have been right.

I was ignoring windchimes post tbh.

I had to give special permission to DS1s school for him to walk home on his own in yr 6. With DS2 I asked when he was midway through yr 5 and was told the school felt he was too young.

Whereas back in the 1980s most of my friends were walking to school unaccompanied from the age of 6/7, some from 5. No one has ever suggested any of them were dragged up

was wasn't saying that they wouldn't be doing anything after the exams.

We have had (primary-age) children sit in the medical room for two hours waiting for a parent to come and pick them up. Of course they are looked after while still in school, but it is still time-consuming for staff to have to check constantly that the child is ok and hasn't deteriorate, not to mention distressing for the child.

When parents finally arrive and cite work as the reason they couldn't get to school sooner, I always want to ask, so if it isn't your job to attend to your child quickly, whose job do you think it is?

We don't insist the parent is always immediately contactable but there has to be someone who is. OP, you surely must have had someone, anyone, who could have picked up your child in an emergency? I don't think I've ever known of a child with only one emergency contact.

I suggest you call the school in advance, tell them that you are having trouble getting your son to school on time and ask them for their help. Take time off work to go into school and meet the attendance officer.
Then listen and accept their advice. You need to form a united front with the school. However, he's post sixteen now so if he says 'nah, I'm not going in' you'll have to accept that the school may not have him back next year. It's not their job to make him come to school, I'm afraid. Maybe A2s aren't for him right now - it sounds like he's got some growing up to do.

I was suggesting that a supply teacher probably wouldn't be teaching them much the week after the exams. That is obviously what OPs ds thought anyway and he could have been right.

He could have been right?

Surely the most mature and common sense approach at A level is to assume that every lesson is important?

My dh and I were walking to school from age 5, obviously not together then. There is some serious mollycoddling going on currently with some schools and Dcs.

A few years ago, if I was asked to pick up one of the boys from school in an emergency, it took me 1.5 hours roughly to get there. That's if I literally ran out the door and to the station as soon as I got the call.

Their father was an emergency contact but often couldn't have his phone on at work die to the nature of the sites he works on so wasn't contactable.

When they were primary age they had a childminder. But she would often be out during the day and might be an hour away, so couldn't get there much quicker than me. Or she might be at the gym (and not check her phone for an hour) or just busy doing something else (on one occasion, she was at a memorial service for an immediate family member. The school asked if I would phone her - I declined).

I didn't have anyone else. No family as mentioned. My friends lived/worked further away than me, so would have taken longer. That was how it was - and instead of saying blimey that must be tough, or maybe suggesting some ideas for other contacts or whatever, I was just made to feel shit for working.

I feel for you OP. Best thing is to let this pass and don't get sucked up in feeling bad. Don't take it as a personal slight that you are a bad mother. You are not.

Ultimately, your boy is old enough to know better and learn the consequences. Do the best you can. That's all one can ask.

If your ex's work and your work prevented you from being able to attend to your children in an emergency, did it not occur to either of you that something needed to change to enable you to do so?

It's not up to the school to suggest emergency contacts for parents. They don't know who your support network is. That's up to you as a parent.

It does seem a bit bonkers if DS isnt made to feel the consequences of his lateness at school. He is 16! he - not his mother - should be made to face the consequences of his actions.

Made to feel shit for working?
Tone of the school that it's all your fault?

That sounds rather like you are projecting. The school have a job to do. My DD once had a pulled elbow. Worst pain I have ever seen a child in. She could not/should not have had to wait for over an hour for me to get her.
The school have a job to safeguard and educate your child. You are the parents. You need to teach responsibility.
(Perhaps start by not running a bath abc laying out clothes for him?)

Surely the most mature and common sense approach at A level is to assume that every lesson is important?

We are not discussing the most mature approach. The question is whether missing a lesson involving a supply teacher straight after exams will make any difference to A levels results. The answer is very probably not.

It is your problem. I can see where the lack of respect comes from

OP, you are obviously doing the best ignore all the biased comments from teachers

Is an emergency contact really essential for a person old enough to be married? The school system is seriously screwed IMO.