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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

373 replies

velvetspoon · 11/06/2015 08:17

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning Sad

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 10:04

missing a lesson in OP's son situation doesn't necessarily mean you are the kind of student that won't do well academically.

Trouble is, it's not missing the lesson that's the problem for the OP's DS. It's the fact that, despite the lesson not being cancelled, he decided he knew better than the school what was planned for that lesson and that it was therefore perfectly ok to skip it.

If you read the post up thread from the cover teacher, you'll see that just as much effort goes into the planning of her lessonsas with the regular teacher. It's disrespectful and indicative of a piss-poor attitude towards those who are trying to help him achieve at school. That's what could prevent him from doing well academically.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 10:07

I agree, jane.

As others have said up thread, if school is not right for him, he should leave and let the teaching staff focus on the others who want to do their best.

The proof of the pudding will be if he manages to get a job over the summer and hold it down. If not, it's obviously not school that's the problem.

LobsterQuadrille · 13/06/2015 10:07

OP, I have just read through this thread and I really feel for you. Some PPs have given you a very hard time. I'm in a similar situation to you, although there are differences, in that I have always worked full time but only have one DD who's just finished her AS levels but takes school too very seriously. Like your sons, she's taken herself to and from school from year 7 and has been alone both before school as I left earlier and for several hours after she came home after school. I don't see anything wrong with that and I would not have dreamed of reducing my hours to mollycoddle her (like you, no father involved) - she enjoyed the responsibility. However, I always had an emergency number as I was working in London - either a relative, which I appreciate you don't have, or the parent of one of her friends - you mention that you are in the minority as a working mother so there must be SAHMs around? That would be for emergencies, not to inform them of non-attendance. I have to say that DD's school have always been very supportive and I've never had any issues - I just asked DD how many of her friends' mothers work and she said she hasn't a clue as it's not something they discuss.

Meeting the school with your DS in attendance sounds like an excellent way forward - showing him that he's responsible and involved, and showing the school that you're already doing all you can. I'd personally rethink the running of his bath though ...... Smile

Good luck.

retrocutie · 13/06/2015 10:10

I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to.

Ouch! He clearly gets his bad attitude from you!

RabbitIssue · 13/06/2015 10:17

You don't get sick pay as a solicitor??

Marynary · 13/06/2015 10:31

Trouble is, it's not missing the lesson that's the problem for the OP's DS. It's the fact that, despite the lesson not being cancelled, he decided he knew better than the school what was planned for that lesson and that it was therefore perfectly ok to skip it.

Maybe he does know better. Whatever, he is nearly 17 and it is his future and his decision.

If you read the post up thread from the cover teacher, you'll see that just as much effort goes into the planning of her lessonsas with the regular teacher. It's disrespectful and indicative of a piss-poor attitude towards those who are trying to help him achieve at school. That's what could prevent him from doing well academically.

That cover teacher may make an effort but many don't. My dd's certainly think lessons with very temporary cover teachers aren't useful/waste of time. They generally just set the work left there by the permanent teacher and sit there while the children do it. Therefore I don't think not wanting to go to such a lesson the week after exams is necessarily indicative of how well the student will do academically in the future.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 10:36

mary, so you think it's best the OP's DS always assumes he knows better than the school, on the offchance that he's right? And that it's worth missing a lesson because of his prejudiced view of supply teachers?

Good luck with that attitude in the workplace.

Baies · 13/06/2015 10:38

Why don't you receive any sick pay from your work? They're your employers aren't they? You've never mentioned being self employed

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 10:40

I would have thought any student with an ounce of character who believed some lessons were a waste of time would take the matter up with the school or college, not just fail to turn up.

LobsterQuadrille · 13/06/2015 10:42

The OP mentions being in court - if she is a barrister, they are all self-employed.

ilovesooty · 13/06/2015 10:46

Mary there is a difference between a cover teacher and a cover supervisor.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 10:50

Just to say also, mary, this is not just the week after AS level exams have finished.

This is the start of the A2 programme of study. They get their break in the six weeks over summer.

paulapantsdown · 13/06/2015 11:15

Yes there is a difference between a cover supervisor and cover teacher. I am the cover supervisor that posted above. I'm not a teacher. I do however cover between 20 and 25 lessons a week, and every single one of them is carefully prepared by the absent teacher to actually cover topics/work required. As I'm not a teacher, if there are things I can't directly help the students with, then I feedback in detail to the teacher in writing to make sure they know to clarify it with them next time.

But OPs kid obviously knows better as to whether the lesson is a waste of his time or not.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/06/2015 11:17

They should punish him. Detention or something?

AndNowItsSeven · 13/06/2015 11:38

Kinky tax credits CB are up to age 20 not 18/19

AndNowItsSeven · 13/06/2015 11:42

Why do people talk about getting married at 16? Is the op scottish?

goodnessgraciousgouda · 13/06/2015 11:43

It's post from shitty people like this that actually make me have a lot more sympathy for teachers.

HE'S YOUR CHILD.

And even if he could be working on the docks, or up chimney or whatever else, he is still under 18. YOU ARE HIS LEGAL GUARDIAN. THAT IS WHY THEY RING YOU. Because he is YOUR responsibility.

Jesus christ, how is this difficult to understand.

Marynary · 13/06/2015 13:01

mary, so you think it's best the OP's DS always assumes he knows better than the school, on the offchance that he's right? And that it's worth missing a lesson because of his prejudiced view of supply teachers?

He may be basing his views on experience rather than "prejudice". Regardless, I didn't say that it was "worth" him missing the lesson. I just don't think you can assume that because he has missed the lesson that he will go on to fail his A levels. I also think that if a 17 year old (or nearly) doesn't want to work there is not much that can be done about it. OP giving up her job/changing her job/cutting down her hours achieve nothing apart from causing financial problems which will certainly not benefit her children.

Marynary · 13/06/2015 13:05

I would have thought any student with an ounce of character who believed some lessons were a waste of time would take the matter up with the school or college, not just fail to turn up.

His "character" is not really relevant to whether or not he will do well in his exams though is it?

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 13/06/2015 13:18

Suburban presenteism isn't necessarily a predictor of academic success - like mary I got 4 grade As at A level by mainly studying one of the subjects independently. The ability to do that is a far greater asset for university than unthinkingly attending busy work lessons.

However it is clear up thread that A level is now taught more like GCSE and 16-18 year olds are now widely treated the way young teens would have been 20 years ago, so these days apparently those of us who did A levels ling ago would do well to mentally replace 16 with 14 when we think about replying to threads like this.

I'm not sure about the OP specifically but do think it's unfortunate post 16 education has gone the spoon feeding route that this thread implies.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 13:48

mary

Judging a lesson taught by a supply teacher as not worth attending because he may have attended another one in the past that he judged as being not worth while is prejudice. It's not as if he was staying at home studying. He was staying in bed and going in late because his lesson was being covered by a supply. That is an indicator of poor judgement, arrogance and immaturity. If he has a problem with the quality of his lessons, he should be taking it up with the college, not bunking off.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 13:56

But nurnoch, the OP's DS didn't skip the lesson to do independent study.

He stayed in bed because he didn't think a lesson taught by a supply teacher was worth getting out of bed on time for.

Marynary · 13/06/2015 14:08

SuburbanRhonda

Maybe the extra sleep was more useful to him than the lesson by the supply teacher. You don't know if it is poor judgment and I doubt that it will make any difference to his A level results. Even if it does it his choice and his problem now that he is nearly 17. Whether or not he is immature or arrogant is not really relevant to the question of whether he will do well in his future exams.

As for complaining about the quality of lessons- what a joke. Did you try doing that when you were at school? I did and it made no difference to the quality of the lessons, it just made me unpopular with the teacher. I had to teach myself the subject using text books.
There is a terrible teacher at dds school and no amount of complaining about the lessons by parents alters that. He can't teach and they don't seem to be able to sack him.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/06/2015 14:17

Your responsibility for getting your child to school on time isn't diminished because you have a job outside the home. Lots of people sacrifice having such a job just s that they can fulfil exactly that. Your OP sounds very judgey-pants over the fact that you work outside the home, well, the judgement can go both ways... so lay off it eh?

SuburbanRhonda · 13/06/2015 14:24

mary despite everything the OP has posted about her son's attitude, the problems she's had with his attendance and his refusal to take his education seriously, you seem determined to support his "least effort" model of studying.

Unless he has a history of successful independent study that the OP has neglected to share on this thread, I think it's safe to believe the OP when she posted that he didn't go in because he didn't think a cover lesson was worth his effort.

I never had the need to complain about lessons at school and college, but if the DS doesn't even try to address the issue - if indeed one exists aside from a prejudice against supply teacher lessons - he can't expect anything to change.