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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to strippers on stag do

85 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 10/06/2015 20:58

Starting to plan our wedding and the topic of hen and stag dos has cropped up already.
This is my second and his first marriage.
I've always disagreed with strip clubs/strippers on stag (or hen) dos. To me it feels disrespectful and ALMOST like cheating some how. I've made it clear to my friends i won't want a stripper and if one turns up I'd walk out, and I expect the same for fiance. Aibu? He's not all that fussed but I know his brothers/mates will see things differently.

OP posts:

Lavenderice · 11/06/2015 22:21

Jesus fucking Christ why does this conversation (as well as many others on here) throw up the phrase "cool wife". I don't have an issue with strippers, does this make me cool? I don't think so. Do I have good self esteem? I think mine's pretty average really. I base my opinion on what I know and I'm fortunate enough to be friends with a few (ex) strippers, but I do understand why some people don't like them and I don't stoop to belittling other people.

Sallystyle · 11/06/2015 22:39

Because you do get posters who come on playing the cool wife. There are many people who put up with a lot of stuff just so they can look all so cool and relaxed and they fear they may look insecure if they object to certain things. It happens. Of course there are women who genuinely don't care but the ones who usually go on about how insecure women are who don't like them are probably 'cool wives'.

If it doesn't fit you then don't cram your foot into it.

SaulGood · 11/06/2015 22:48

I wasn't saying all women who don't mind strip clubs are "cool wives". Read what I said again. If I wasn't clear...

My point exactly was that you can't reduce down women who don't like strip clubs to a homogeneous mass, any more than I can reduce people who aren't bothered down to a label. In fact, labelling us as "jealous" does feed that stereotype of "cool wives" and sets up a false dichotomy, which is actually the point I was making.

SaulGood · 11/06/2015 22:52

So somebody stating "if you don't like strippers, you're just jealous and insecure", implies the ridiculous assertion that people who aren't bothered by strippers are free from jealousy and laidback. It's the very essence of the shitty "cool wife" label. Do you see what I was trying to say now? It's lazy debating and not relevant in so many ways.

(though U2 is of course that there are women out there who do play this role because they feel cowed into it and that's ruddy despicable too)

SaulGood · 11/06/2015 22:52

U2 is right

SlaggyIsland · 11/06/2015 23:01

So those of you that would be so cool with your DH visiting a strip club and looking at naked women, I take it you all have open relationships and are not that fussed about sexual exclusivity?
Or does it magically not count as extramarital sexual activity if money changes hands?

AnyFucker · 11/06/2015 23:03

lavender, I think you misunderstand

my issue is not with the strippers themselves

you make it sound like if you object to the sex industry you object to the people employed in it

which is very different to having an ethical objection to objectification of women and men

maddy68 · 11/06/2015 23:06

I think strippers are rather tacky and I wouldn't want one myself but I'm rather meh about anyone else having one. If my fiancé had one I round think of it as typical stag do banter m I have been to similar hen dos. Each to their own. It's up to him I reckon It's almost a right of passage as far as some are concerned

thewavesofthesea · 11/06/2015 23:17

I personally wasn't bothered at all when my DH had a stripper for his stag do, and when he went on other stag dos and went to strip clubs. I would object if he went otherwise though I must admit.

However I accept that other people may have an issue with it. You need to discuss this with your partner and think about, together, what the boundaries are. After all, unless you tell him how you feel he won't know that you are not happy about it!

Bambambini · 11/06/2015 23:26

It's bloody depressing that loads of adult folk still feel the pathetic need to go along with all this stripper shit, especially when it's not their thing but they are so bloody weak that they just can't walk out and say NO - grown adults! I would have been furious if any friends had organised a stripper for me as it is so not my thing and why would my friends upset and embarrass me like that?

And all of this, "you can't tell your partner or dictate" - some things you can, some things go beyond being right on and terribly PC and polite. There are certain things that are just not on for you and of course you can tell your partner this.

Lavenderice · 11/06/2015 23:28

Sorry if I've offended people, or maybe taking things the wrong way it's just that 'cool wives' gives me the absolute rage.

I do object to people being objectified, but not every stripper is objectified.

ButtonMoon88 · 11/06/2015 23:39

Why don't you have a hag do?? Hens and stags together

Incidently I was watching don't tell the bride the other day, it was an old episode, but the bride was fuming when she found out her new groom had a stripper attend his stag do. It led to a discussion between me and my DP. For me, a friend hiring a stripper, is very different than going into a strip club. I would find it so awkward and weird if someone hired a stripper for my hen do, I would cringe with embarrassment. Likewise If I found out the best man had hired a stripper I wouldn't be offended because I know hubby to be would find it as weird as I would. However going to a strip club is different and I would find that really uncomfortable. It seems less funny and more sleazy to me. I can't quite articulate why. I don't think I would put it on par with cheating but I would be mad!!

ApeMan · 12/06/2015 00:16

"Er ape man, are you saying that YOU can feel strip clubs are disrespectful to women and grubby but a woman who thinks that is just a bit jealous?
Nice."

I have literally no idea how you could possibly have read that into my comment. What the fuck.

"ApeMan you seem VERY unlike your user name."

You'll have to clarify what you mean there - is it because I don't like strippers and stuff?

Original poster

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 12/06/2015 00:48

wow thank you for all replies. I didn't really see my behaviour as controlling or that I dictate to my dp, which has given me pause for thought.( As a one poster said there's a difference between saying I'd rather you didn't that you CANNOT).
We've agreed on a joint do now (his suggestion) and ended up having a far more detailed discussion on the topic. It's never really come up in depth before, but now we each know where we stand on the issue and agree it's not something either of us is interested in anyway and "friends" who disregard that can do one

OP posts:

ApeMan · 12/06/2015 01:12

Excellent, OP. Sounds like DW and I.

HelenaDove · 12/06/2015 01:14

Thats basically what i meant yeah

ApeMan · 12/06/2015 01:25

Ah, I'm the old-fashioned type. I'd far rather be playing poker or golf than frequenting strip clubs with grubby little deviants (and I mean no disrespect to the strippers themselves).

In fact if I didn't come to places like mumsnet for intel and tactical insight, I would never have learnt to do stuff like swear in front of women (or call women "women" rather than ladies - something I still have to do consciously) like a normal person.

ApeMan · 12/06/2015 01:28

Ah, I'm the old-fashioned type. I'd far rather be playing poker or golf than frequenting strip clubs with dross and perverts (and I mean no disrespect to the strippers themselves).

In fact if I didn't come to places like mumsnet for intel and tactical insight, I would probably be in a museum.

ApeMan · 12/06/2015 01:28

Ah, I'm the old-fashioned type. I'd far rather be playing poker or golf than frequenting strip clubs with dross and perverts (and I mean no disrespect to the strippers themselves).

In fact if I didn't come to places like mumsnet for intel and tactical insight, I would probably be in a museum.

ApeMan · 12/06/2015 01:30

Not sure I posted that enough times :\

HelenaDove · 12/06/2015 01:54

MN has been having a few problems with posting. I ended up accidentally multiple posting on a slimming world thread which probably made it look like i was boasting.

One of the SW members 23 year old son got married last year and for his stag weekend he and his mates went canoeing. They loved it.

HelenaDove · 12/06/2015 01:55

Thats one of the members from the class i go to

sykadelic · 12/06/2015 03:27

I know you've already come to a resolution but FWIW I don't believe you were "telling him what to do" or "controlling him" at all. He could always choose to do it anyway, regardless of how you feel about it. You could try tying him to a chair or locking him in a dungeon but I'm pretty sure there are rules about that.

I can't imagine my DH saying "I'm going to a strip joint with some mates" and me saying "I'd rather you didn't" because it's too wishy-washy. I would want to convey my true feeling on the matter which would be "not if you want to remain married you won't". Of course I wouldn't stop him, he's an adult who's perfectly capable of taking himself off somewhere without my "permission" but I'd certainly want him to know the consequences of that choice.

My DH knows exactly where I stand on strip joints etc etc. I also know exactly where he stands on it. If we deviate make plans after work/during work/to take a day off we don't ask for permission but we'll ask if the other minds or if there are other plans. Such is a relationship built on respect.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 12/06/2015 07:38

My apologies apeman.

Lucee wrote that the woman who object to strip clubs are jealous- you wrote that she is probably right. I therefore came to the conclusion that you agreed that the woman who object to strip clubs are jealous.
Crazy I know!

allyjay · 12/06/2015 09:21

What SaulGood and U2The Edge said. Spot on. My objections to strip clubs are both. I hate them because they treat women like pieces of meat and that has an impact on, women, ALL women, not just the strippers AND I hate them because I would feel insecure if a naked women was gyrating in my dp's face. So put me in jail.

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