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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to strippers on stag do

85 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 10/06/2015 20:58

Starting to plan our wedding and the topic of hen and stag dos has cropped up already.
This is my second and his first marriage.
I've always disagreed with strip clubs/strippers on stag (or hen) dos. To me it feels disrespectful and ALMOST like cheating some how. I've made it clear to my friends i won't want a stripper and if one turns up I'd walk out, and I expect the same for fiance. Aibu? He's not all that fussed but I know his brothers/mates will see things differently.

OP posts:

Niloufes · 11/06/2015 15:25

What goes on tour stays on tour. You can't dictate what his mates decide for him you will just have to accept whatever happens. If hes a good man he wont but why should he tell you either way? I doubt he tells you everytime he looks at porn.

Pippa12 · 11/06/2015 15:28

Personally, strippers on a stag do don't offend me. I know my DH had a stripper, all the lads chipped in and she 'surprised' him- it was public for all to see not private. TBH I found it hilarious and it did not upset me one bit- I expected it. He was mortified (his dad, my dad&step dad) present. It was all abit of fun and we laugh about it as my friends did the same for me! However- other than stag do's I would have something to say about my hubby going to strip clubs on a night out- and stag do was the ONLY time a dance would be acceptable and a private dance or one he paid for would be a deal breaker for me.

We have also just been on a 'sten'. Fab idea! Races in the day, room hired at night with band/Dj (we organised a few games to avoid it being like wedding reception!) stayed at hotel then morning girls went to spa and men paint balling. Was great and created friendly/fun atmosphere at wedding reception as we all had stories/memories to share.

I wouldn't get so worked up about it- he's only going to get one stag do. Otherwise have a STEN xxx

Jessica2point0 · 11/06/2015 15:49

YANBU. I could not be with a man who either:
a) wanted to go to a strip club, or
b) wasn't able to say no to his friends.

Strippers, prostitutes and porn are all deal-breakers for me. I'm not offended by them, I just don't like the buying / renting of people for sexual gratification. If DP felt strongly that it was fine, we'd have to accept that we aren't compatible.

You can't dictate what his mates decide for him you will just have to accept whatever happens. The OP can't dictate anything. She can make it clear that this is very serious for her, and if her fiancé decides that not wanting to upset his mates is worth risking his relationship over then that says it all really. She absolutely DOES NOT have to accept whatever happens, she just has to decide whether it would be serious enough to call off the wedding and / or end the relationship.

penisland · 11/06/2015 15:58

All I'll add to this is that I know quite a few men with OHs that are anti stripper and of course the men are all anti stripper and would never go to a strip club etc to their wives. Get them on stag, especially Eastern Europe, and they're fucking animals. The whole trip becomes about strip clubs and nothing else. Sleep during the day, out for some food and hit the bars hard until about 11pm then strip club(s) till 5-6am.

kslatts · 11/06/2015 16:15

I would not have a problem with DH going to a strip club at an event such as a stag night.

penisland has a point, if your partner thinks you are going to 'kick-off' chances are he will just keep things from you to avoid an argument.

ApeMan · 11/06/2015 17:00

I think a lot of men now see them as crass and shit. I know I do, my mates mostly do. Frankly for a lot of us it would be a relief if it was disapproved of strongly by DF, as depending on how tossery the group of friends is, that could actually make it easier to avoid that crap.

MummyLuce · 11/06/2015 17:19

Can I suggest that those women who hate their DHs going to strip club because they "objectify women" are actually, really, just a bit jealous. They're worried that their DP will see a lovely pretty naked girl, think they are lovely and sexy and hot, and that hurts them and makes them feel jealous and upset. Totally understandably. But not the end of the world.

Men objectify women and women objectify men all the time. All. The. Time. When your stbDH walks down the street and notices an attractive woman, he is objectifying her. He isn't thinking "she looks intelligent/brave/loyal/good at netball.p". He is thinking "she is fit". When he sees a gorgeous woman on tv, he is objectifying her. He doesn't know her and doesn't know anything about her. When he met YOU he objectified YOU for a period of time, before he actually knew you. At first, you were, to him ,a sexy fit woman who, at the most basic level, he wanted to sleep with.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/06/2015 17:33

Do you think all campaigners about women's issues are doing it because they are actually really just a bit jealous or is it only people who object to strip clubs?

Can I suggest that you are a little bit dim?

ApeMan · 11/06/2015 17:51

@Luce - you're probably right, but does it matter that much? I'm sure we are all happy if our principles and our emotions point in roughly the same direction, aren't we?

I just dislike strip joints because it's all as grubby as fuck and feels disrespectful to women, I don't really consider what people call "objectification" to be all that different a thing, and I am certainly not jealous of attractive women.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/06/2015 18:02

Er ape man, are you saying that YOU can feel strip clubs are disrespectful to women and grubby but a woman who thinks that is just a bit jealous?
Nice.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2015 18:20

Luce, are you Lucy Pinder ?

SunsetsAndStarlings · 11/06/2015 18:26

Why on earth should any woman who is about to commit her life to a man be expected to be ok with him treating women as meat, there for his and other men's gratification? It is so sickening that women are expected to be cool with immoral and disrespectful behaviour from men in general, but specifically their life partner. And if they aren't, thick people accuse them of jealousy.

QuiteIrregular · 11/06/2015 18:28

I don't think you're being remotely unreasonable, nor do I think it makes sense that people are calling you 'controlling' for expressing a moral position. (I told my mates I didn't want anything involving strippers on my stag, though it wasn't because my wife-to-be would have disapproved. Though I suspect she would have.) This isn't a matter of personal preference, as if some people like it and others don't so we should all choose what makes us happy and pay for what we want - most people who dislike the idea surely dislike it because they have general ethical qualms or personal moral opinions?

Marynary · 11/06/2015 18:41

I think that strippers on stag and hen dos are really naff and I wouldn't be at all impressed if anyone had organised one for DH on his stag do. That said I wouldn't see it as cheating or even as his fault (apart from having crap taste in friends) as it would be a bit hard to walk out of your own stag do.
I would ask him to tell his friends/brothers that he doesn't want them to organise one. I don't think it is at all controlling to make it clear if something is unacceptable to you.

Mengog · 11/06/2015 19:06

If anyones partner has ventured to eastern Europe for a stag do, then they have been in a strip club. Places like Budapest, Tallin, Krakow, Bucharest, Prague etc are renowned for them.

I don't know what goes on with Hen Parties but the foreign stag dos I've been on as an adult, have been wilder than any teenage lads holiday. The groom and the (married) best man having a threesome with a prostitute is a personal lowlight. Both couples still happily married 5 years later.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2015 19:08

I wonder if the groom and best man are still shagging each other 5 years later.

StarsInTheNightSky · 11/06/2015 19:15

WTH mummyluce?! Errr no, I don't like the objectification of women (or men, of anyone or anything) because I was brutally raped, abused, beaten and generally treated like a doll for others' amusement. It has nothing to do with jealousy, it has everything to do with the fact that I think I think objectification is wrong and that I don't think anyone should have to suffer it.
Absolutely agree withsunsets.

penisland · 11/06/2015 19:22

Mengog that is exactly my experience as well. In Eastern Europe you can usually touch as well and in most joints you can pay for pretty much anything you want. I'm sure you'll agree though that not everyone has private dances/dildo shows/threesomes etc, some of us are quite happy just to have a drink at the bar.

Mengog · 11/06/2015 19:53

Yeah. Ive never seen anyone refuse to go in. Maybe a third will have a private dance. The rest will have a beer and watch the regular dancers on the pole.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/06/2015 20:14

Yeah, while I'm 'just a bit jealous' of women in the sex industry in the uk, you can imagine, I'm massively jealous of sex workers in East Europe.

ahbollocks · 11/06/2015 20:35

I would just make it crystal clear that I wouldn't be marrying anyone who went to a strip club.
the default response is to throw 'frigid/jealous' but I highly doubt dh woukd be happy with our daughter doing that job, or his sisters, or me.
That is what makes it 'not okay' in my book.

HelenaDove · 11/06/2015 21:13

Nilou STIs dont stay on tour They have a nasty habit of being able to travel.

Luce you sound like you are still in the high school cafeteria. "They are only jealous because shes so pretty"

ApeMan you seem VERY unlike your user name.

TheRainInTheWoods · 11/06/2015 21:27

what goes on tour stays on tour

What a load of platitudinous, short sighted shite that is. There are plenty of things couples have to 'accept' in relationships. Strippers and prostitutes are not one of them-at any stage.

Sallystyle · 11/06/2015 21:30

Oh dear. There is always one who throws out the jealously line.

Even if women did feel insecure over it does it matter?

My main objections to it has nothing at all to do with insecurities but I imagine I would feel a little insecure if my husband was watching naked women grind around him. That is a pretty normal human emotion isn't it? I would feel pretty fucked off and quite insecure if my husband went to the pub and had a half naked woman dancing around him. Exchanging money makes it no different.

In fact, I think it is more strange not to have feelings of insecurity over it.

That is not my motivation for hating the industry though. My husband doesn't take part in any of it so I have no need to feel insecure, but yet I am still very against all of it.

SaulGood · 11/06/2015 22:01

It's quite clever to say that it's just jealousy. It is of course completely untrue for many women but it does make the "cool wife" position on strip clubs more attractive. It's an easy thing to stand in opposition to, the old jealousy line. It's quite gratifying I imagine, to say "well I'm not jealous and possessive and have good self esteem" and it paints you in a good light and the anti-strip club crowd are reduced to a homogeneous mass, lacking in confidence, petty and insecure. Of course my actual reasons for being opposed to the very notion of a strip club existing (it doesn't merely extend to somebody I love and respect going there) is the fact that I find the complete objectification of women on a financial and sexual scale, odious. It's a bit harder to say "oh I'm not bothered about women (and men) being exploited, me" isn't it?

As others have said anyway, so what if it makes you feel unhappy and insecure. Is that not a valid reason for objecting to something that is a choice for your partner. It's probably a very honest and normal reaction.

Of course humans find other humans attractive. Seeing somebody in the street and feeling sexually attracted to them isn't remotely comparable to making the clear and obvious choice to pay another person to display their bodies for your own gratification. It surprises me that you can't see how ridiculous that comparison is.

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