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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to meet up with, or allow this young person in my house?

134 replies

Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 09:58

I've name changed for this, and will keep it quite vague as I don't want to out myself, or anyone else.

I'm feeling under loads of pressure and I need some straight talking. I really don't know what to do, other than the immediate feeling of wanting to keep this person well away from me and mine.

DH and I used to foster. Our last placement (an older teen) was really quite difficult, and it came to an abrupt end following an incident. The whole thing was directed towards me, but both my (younger) children witnessed it and my eldest child was hurt in the crossfire.

Since then the young person has been in contact wanting to meet up, they want to come over for dinner, see my children, etc and I don't want them anywhere near us.

Both my children were terrified at the time, and remain quite scared of this person, they don't want to see the young person and they don't want them in our home. Which I think is entirely understandable and fair enough. This is their home, their safe haven and I respect that so we said no

However, we then came under a lot of pressure from the young person's social worker, constant messages and guilt tripping from the SW. I've spoken to the SW at length about the whole thing, but own children's feelings have been completely ignored and there doesn't seem to be any understanding about how they may feel about it.

Yesterday I received a letter, written by the young person but posted on by the local authority, again asking to meet up, they miss us and want to see my children.

I feel very conflicted. I did consider offering to meet up in town on my own for a coffee or something but it feels very disloyal to my own children. I am a bit of a horror for bearing grudges and as far as my children are concerned you only get one chance and the young person blew it so I worry I'm being unfair towards someone who is, essentially, a child

The local authority were awful at the time of and following the incident and we've since discovered information was withheld from us. I was, and am still extremely angry with them so part of me feels I'm directing my anger towards the wrong person.

My immediate reaction is to come over all chest-beating-protective. No way, no chance, never. My child was hurt, how dare any of them even ask this of us.

But I don't know, I feel very conflicted and confused. I can't get past what happened, I just can't forgive or forget and I'm still bearing a massive grudge but I'm supposed to be the adult here

We no longer foster (so I no longer have my own social worker to talk it over with), pretty much as a result of this whole incident, mainly because of the way the local authority behaved so I don't feel I have any obligation towards any of them.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 10/06/2015 10:06

Yadbnu!! No way would I have anything to do with this person or ever allow them anywhere near my children. You don't need to justify this to anyone.

TheMoa · 10/06/2015 10:10

No, don't do it.

Your own children only have you to protect them, and keep their home safe.

I don't doubt the other child is being worked with, and asked to reflect, but that's not your problem any more. You did the best you could, and your priority now should be the wishes and feelings of your own children.

EatShitDerek · 10/06/2015 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MajesticWhine · 10/06/2015 10:10

YANBU at all to not agree to this.

However, by posting this it seems you are considering your options.

I am wondering what is the point of this further contact? Maybe the social worker thinks that giving this person a chance might give them a positive message about their own worth which might make a difference to them? Yes, they blew their chance. But as you will know a child in care may well have had a lot of disadvantage to have predisposed them to bad behaviour. Perhaps they have not had any experiences of positive relationships and this link with your family could provide one such experience?

You don't say how old your children are, (which may or may not make a difference). Could your children be ok with the contact if they were allowed to say how the incident made them feel, and the other young person was able to offer some sort of apology?

Otherwise, your idea of meeting in a neutral place by yourself I think is a very good one. You can explain your feelings and your childrens to the YP and in this way you are communicating the exact consequences of their actions, which will be useful for them to hear, rather than you bearing a silent grudge.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 10/06/2015 10:15

Talk AIBU?
to not want to meet up with, or allow this young person in my house?5
Today 09:58 Daytimetellysucks

I've name changed for this, and will keep it quite vague as I don't want to out myself, or anyone else.

I'm feeling under loads of pressure and I need some straight talking. I really don't know what to do, other than the immediate feeling of wanting to keep this person well away from me and mine.

DH and I used to foster. Our last placement (an older teen) was really quite difficult, and it came to an abrupt end following an incident. The whole thing was directed towards me, but both my (younger) children witnessed it and my eldest child was hurt in the crossfire.

Since then the young person has been in contact wanting to meet up, they want to come over for dinner, see my children, etc and I don't want them anywhere near us.

Both my children were terrified at the time, and remain quite scared of this person, they don't want to see the young person and they don't want them in our home. Which I think is entirely understandable and fair enough. This is their home, their safe haven and I respect that so we said no

However, we then came under a lot of pressure from the young person's social worker, constant messages and guilt tripping from the SW. I've spoken to the SW at length about the whole thing, but own children's feelings have been completely ignored and there doesn't seem to be any understanding about how they may feel about it.

Yesterday I received a letter, written by the young person but posted on by the local authority, again asking to meet up, they miss us and want to see my children.

I feel very conflicted. I did consider offering to meet up in town on my own for a coffee or something but it feels very disloyal to my own children. I am a bit of a horror for bearing grudges and as far as my children are concerned you only get one chance and the young person blew it so I worry I'm being unfair towards someone who is, essentially, a child

The local authority were awful at the time of and following the incident and we've since discovered information was withheld from us. I was, and am still extremely angry with them so part of me feels I'm directing my anger towards the wrong person.

My immediate reaction is to come over all chest-beating-protective. No way, no chance, never. My child was hurt, how dare any of them even ask this of us.

But I don't know, I feel very conflicted and confused. I can't get past what happened, I just can't forgive or forget and I'm still bearing a massive grudge but I'm supposed to be the adult here

We no longer foster (so I no longer have my own social worker to talk it over with), pretty much as a result of this whole incident, mainly because of the way the local authority behaved so I don't feel I have any obligation towards any of them.

Today 10:06 AuntyMag10

Yadbnu!! No way would I have anything to do with this person or ever allow them anywhere near my children. You don't need to justify this to anyone.

Today 10:10 TheMoa

No, don't do it.

Your own children only have you to protect them, and keep their home safe.

I don't doubt the other child is being worked with, and asked to reflect, but that's not your problem any more. You did the best you could, and your priority now should be the wishes and feelings of your own children.

Today 10:10 EatShitDerek

I'd personally go meet them without the children. They may be wanting to apologise in person

A quick coffee, a chat and you are done. But it is your choice, only you know how bad it got and what happened so it is your choice and I personally won't think bad of you if decide you aren't interested.

I don't think many people would think you should go

MajesticWhine
You don't say how old your children are, (which may or may not make a difference). Could your children be ok with the contact if they were allowed to say how the incident made them feel, and the other young person was able to offer some sort of apology?

Yes I wondered this.

I suppose if you think there's a chance it would provide "closure" for your children then do it. But if not, then I dont think it's unreasonable to refuse.

Original poster
Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 10:15

I do feel like a need to justify myself though.

I don't know, I feel like I'm yet another person who has rejected this young person and I need to take some responsibility for it.

We still see all our previous placements. I have no problem with maintaining the relationships we built, but this one hurt my kids and I'm bloody angry about it

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 10/06/2015 10:15

Whoops sorry - I didn't even know you could copy & paste a whole thread!

OrangeVase · 10/06/2015 10:16

How long ago was the incident? Has the person had a chance to grow up a bit?

I don't know so don't really listen to me but I wonder if giving the young person a chance to apologise and lay the ghost in a safe environment might be a good thing. You would need the support of soc services though.
Would not let him in my house again or anywhere near my children though.

Original poster
Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 10:16

Sorry, phone rang and I crossed loads of posts. Will go back and read

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 10/06/2015 10:17

Yanbu.

I think you need to separate your feelings, which you say are conflicted, from a pragmatic attitude.

You and your children do not feel safe around this young person, that is a good enough reason not to see them. It is nothing to do with how you feel about said person, and whether you want to forgive them.

A possible alternative would be to write back via the la, and say that you have no bad feelings towards them, but you aren't able to see them again and wish them the best. How would you feel about this? I do think that it may be best to just stay no contact though.

Maroonie · 10/06/2015 10:17

Could you do it at a mediation centre?
It might help everyone involved to get some sort of resolution and it would be a safe supervised environment.

LazyLouLou · 10/06/2015 10:18

Put it in writing. Whatever you decide, put your perspective down on paper and post it to whomever you consider appropriate within SS. Your disappointment with them regarding the original incident, the fact that it was the reason you no longer foster (SS behaviour rather than that of the young person), the feeling of being emotionally blackmailed at this point, the reasons you have refused access to your home and children. Make all of that an official complaint.

Now, do you still have that foster mum's leaning towards meeting the young person? If so then your idea of neutral territory would be a good idea. If not, just say no and post the SW who is persisting a copy of the letter.

Don't feel you need to do anything for the SW or young person if you think your own family would suffer. You need not feel guilty for saying no!

flanjabelle · 10/06/2015 10:18

I would send a letter in response wishing the young person well, but explaining that due to the incident the family wish to have no further contact with them. explain that you do not wish to be contacted further about meeting up and that your decision is final. Polite but firm.

You have good reasons for this and you should stand by your children or this could sour their view of fostering further. they need to know that they are always your priority and that you won't allow such incidents to happen lightly.

Good luck op, it's a horrible situation to be in.

flanjabelle · 10/06/2015 10:19

So sorry I somehow missed the fact that you no longer foster in my haste to post. apologies.

whois · 10/06/2015 10:20

I think meeting in a metrical place, withoit your children and with the young persons social worker there would be a good idea.

Whatever happened is clearly still affecting you (as well as the young person) so a chance to get some 'closure' might be good.

I am assuming there was some sort of one off violent incident which happened when they lost there temper. If something (in my eyes much worse) like a sustained manipulative attack or sexual assault then I would be more on the 'burn in hell' camp than the 'meet up to be closure camp'.

FujimotosElixir · 10/06/2015 10:21

i would offer the coffee and chat in a public place, you know you are dealing with incredibly disturbed children and should at least give them an opportunity to apologise.

QueenofallIsee · 10/06/2015 10:22

I see no reason at all for you to feel guilty - you are not rejecting anyone, you are acting in the best interests of your family. I am sure that you tried to give the young person all you could, but you are out of the system now and have NO obligation to prioritise the desires (not needs, as it is just what they want) of one over the preferences of your whole family.

cjt110 · 10/06/2015 10:24

YANBU. You have your reasons for not wanting contact. The SW sounds like an arsehole for not respecting this.

I can also appreciate the tricky situation. as PP have said, perhaps either write a letter stating you do not want to have any further contact or meet in a neutral place, explain why and how the incident has affected you and your family and perhaps get some closure.

Best of luck.

Mrsjayy · 10/06/2015 10:26

I think the LA have put you in a terrible position by forwarding this letter without contacting you to explain if it was me I would contact thesocial worker or whoever you need to tell them you and yourchildren were really hurt by this young person and you neex help in telling the young person.

momtothree · 10/06/2015 10:26

Yes write ... letters stick more with kids. .. nice wish you well letter... and then another highlighting SW errors in this case. Dont feel guilty. You tried.

sunbathe · 10/06/2015 10:27

I'm with flanjabelle.

They hurt you and your child and want to come to dinner.

It would be a no from me.

Surely it's a good thing for them to know that people have limits? Otherwise the message is that you can hurt people but hey, some time down the line it can be brushed aside.

Have they even apologised?

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2015 10:28

In your position I think I'd go with a meeting at a neutral venue - you and your dh, if you can arrange childcare. You may find it useful.

However, I wouldn't build it up in your mind as an opportunity for this young person to apologise (unless they've said they want to) and they may have filed the whole thing under 'shit that's happened to me' and blanked it. Not nice but a self-protection mechanism for young people in this situation.

meercat23 · 10/06/2015 10:31

I don't have direct experience of fostering so may be talking complete rubbish but it seems very unfair of the SW to be putting you under pressure about this. I get that their role I to look after the interests of the young person but given the history it is not unreasonable or surprising that you and your family do not want further contact and they will have to respect this.

If it was me I think I would be asking for a message to be passed to the young person wishing them well but explaining that further contact will not work for you and your family.

Do what you feel is right for you and your family OP. If you feel it wouldn't be right it almost certainly wouldn't be right.

FujimotosElixir · 10/06/2015 10:33

i dont agree in cases of fostered children 'if its sexual let them burn in hell' were all aware most of them , have suffered / witnessed horrible sexual abuse themselves . i know of a cases personally where a boy witnessed relatives abuse his siblings and having been removed years later started to copy that behaviour, he was moved on and i wouldn't want them round my kids but i dont have the opinion he should burn in hell hes as much a victim as anyone.

Hexenbiest · 10/06/2015 10:34

In your position I think I'd go with a meeting at a neutral venue - you and your dh

If you do this I think you would have to be very clear it was a one off meeting and there is no way they are seeing your DC or coming round your house again. Plus walking out if it turns into a blaming you session or more emotional blackmail.

Otherwise it could raise their hopes or lead to more emotional blackmail for further meetings and visits.

Otherwise a letter to the young persons wishing them well but declining any future contact would be best.

I'd also write to their SW detailing why this isn't going to happen - dinner round your house or contact with your DC and why it's not appropriate, that this is not changing in the future and frankly you don't appreciate the emotional blackmail. I'd send a copy to their manager and consider if I wanted to go down formal complaint route or not.