to not want to meet up with, or allow this young person in my house?

[Daytimetellysucks]

I've name changed for this, and will keep it quite vague as I don't want to out myself, or anyone else.

I'm feeling under loads of pressure and I need some straight talking. I really don't know what to do, other than the immediate feeling of wanting to keep this person well away from me and mine.

DH and I used to foster. Our last placement (an older teen) was really quite difficult, and it came to an abrupt end following an incident. The whole thing was directed towards me, but both my (younger) children witnessed it and my eldest child was hurt in the crossfire.

Since then the young person has been in contact wanting to meet up, they want to come over for dinner, see my children, etc and I don't want them anywhere near us.

Both my children were terrified at the time, and remain quite scared of this person, they don't want to see the young person and they don't want them in our home. Which I think is entirely understandable and fair enough. This is their home, their safe haven and I respect that so we said no

However, we then came under a lot of pressure from the young person's social worker, constant messages and guilt tripping from the SW. I've spoken to the SW at length about the whole thing, but own children's feelings have been completely ignored and there doesn't seem to be any understanding about how they may feel about it.

Yesterday I received a letter, written by the young person but posted on by the local authority, again asking to meet up, they miss us and want to see my children.

I feel very conflicted. I did consider offering to meet up in town on my own for a coffee or something but it feels very disloyal to my own children. I am a bit of a horror for bearing grudges and as far as my children are concerned you only get one chance and the young person blew it so I worry I'm being unfair towards someone who is, essentially, a child

The local authority were awful at the time of and following the incident and we've since discovered information was withheld from us. I was, and am still extremely angry with them so part of me feels I'm directing my anger towards the wrong person.

My immediate reaction is to come over all chest-beating-protective. No way, no chance, never. My child was hurt, how dare any of them even ask this of us.

But I don't know, I feel very conflicted and confused. I can't get past what happened, I just can't forgive or forget and I'm still bearing a massive grudge but I'm supposed to be the adult here

We no longer foster (so I no longer have my own social worker to talk it over with), pretty much as a result of this whole incident, mainly because of the way the local authority behaved so I don't feel I have any obligation towards any of them.

I would write two letters as you need to put everything in writing to make things slightly more formal.

The first letter would be to the SW explaining everything that you have told us on this thread. Your DC are still very upset after suffering the trauma of the incident so tell the SW that you have to protect them and their emotional wellbeing. Your DC are your priority and you want no further contact with the young person as you can never forgive or forget what happened.

The second letter would be to the young person wishing them well but saying that you want no further contact. Don't refer to the incident but just say that you hope that they have a happy future.

YANBU and I hope that the SW will leave you alone after this. It doesn't matter how terrible the background of this young person was, nothing can ever excuse what they did that was so upsetting for you and your family.

Thanks all!

The incident happened about 5 months ago. They smashed up our house, attacked me and then threatened me with a knife. All in front of my children.

No one has ever apologised, even the letter yesterday was full of how I'd made the young person feel, how they missed us, how they felt about it all, no apology or anything. Maybe I'd feel less, I don't know, angry maybe, about the whole thing if someone, somewhere said sorry. Some recognition that what happened was as shit for us as it was for the young person.

But at the same time, they're still a child, albeit one who is about to turn 18, and is a product of their environment.

I will talk to my children again about me meeting them for a coffee somewhere. They were quite hurt and upset (and also frightened for me) when I initially suggested it.

DC1 seems OK now, but DC2 was quite badly affected by it. They had some sessions to talk it over with our SW, the LA do know exactly how they felt, and continued to feel. It feels a bit like we're collateral damage.

YANBU about meeting your children in your home.

Meeting on neutral territory is a good idea, though, if only for a chance to discuss and potentially clear the air about what happened.

YANBU. We need to put the needs and welfare of you and your children first.

I wouldn't meet on your own in a neutral place. For a start, you have no idea whether this will be the thin end of the wedge both in terms of this person's demands on you and how these may escalate and what that person's SW may then attempt to pressure you into. As you have no SW of your own any more, you are unsupported in this.

I think you should leave well alone. You have already given so much more than the vast majority of people would. That's enough.

Maybe meet them for a coffee, but make it clear it's a one-off.

I don't think you owe them anything, but I also think giving them a chance to (hopefully!) apologise and achieve some closure to their involvement with your family would be the kind thing to do.

Based on your latest post, and the fact it is so recent, I would say no and mean no. You have to put your children first, and ignore the guilt-trip you are being put under (completely ridiculous the SW even thinks this is vaguely a good idea - do they know exactly what happened?)

Just read your most recent post.

I would not be meeting this person again under any circumstances.

I agree that you and your children are seen as collateral damage and that your needs are both unacknowledged and minimised.

It sounds to me like this kid wants to be forgiven. To make amends. I don't think you have to let him into your home but I think that giving him the chance to clear the air would help, if you then choose not to see him again that's your call. Children in foster care usually have pretty messed up backgrounds, in my experience anger issues are common place, not saying you have to take it, but these kids often don't know how to deal with their feelings. The social worker could have dealt with this differently and better, but maybe a letter or meeting them for a coffee to get closure on both sides would help.

I wouldn't even contemplate meeting this young person after what you've disclosed in your last post. The young person is dangerous, unstable and violent.

Some things are too bad to forgive.

Not one apology? This is taking the piss. You are even too kind to see them at the cafe.

even the letter yesterday was full of how I'd made the young person feel, how they missed us, how they felt about it all, no apology or anything.

I think I'd be less inclined to meet as it suggest this incident and it's impact is being brushed away and minimised.

This suggests it's less likely a serious apology would be forthcoming so I'm not sure what closure would be possible at least for you.

You could try and get across it's effect on you to the young person might work might not - it's possible they could be working on managing their rage and want to tell you that.

You'll have to manage any fall out of a meeting - the effect on you and your DC up to you whether you think it worth it. Their SW and the young person involved don't have to do any of that.

Sorry, iPad froze and I managed to hit post by accident.

Writing a letter is good as well. I have already put everything in writing to the LA, but I think I may go down the formal complaint route now.

I wish the young person well, I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but I have a line, and they crossed that line.

I do have a tendency to be a bit "you're dead to me" about things which I need to keep in check and I have to remember that the LA are mainly responsible for this whole mess.

I've never really been given an opportunity to examine my own feelings about the incident. It scared me, it scared me to think what could have happened, it could have been one of my children. I wasn't in control in my own home, my house was damaged - OK, things can be replaced and we had specialist insurance for that very reason, but it was my home. The LA put me and mine at risk of harm by not being open and truthful when this young person was placed with us and they've been arseholes ever since

Trust your instincts and put your children first – that's your first priority. You don't want them to look back and feel that you didn't listen to them when they made their feelings clear.

I'd also be most miffed with SWs for putting pressure on you. You don't owe this person anything and what they are doing is pressurising not just you, but potentially your DC into a potentially harmful situation - absolutely not on. I'd be writing to someone very senior and explaining your POV and asking them to review their practices. I think in some SW departments they are so into the idea of reconciliation etc. that they forget the importance of other children who may be at risk.

I have a friend who grew up with a foster brother who harmed her significantly and she was blamed (sexual abuse). No one gave a crap about the other kids in the family, they only cared about the foster child. Of course, children in care need to be cared about but not to the detriment of other children, just because those other children happen to be lucky enough to have a family and a home.

As others have said, if this is about an apology, then possibly meeting the person on neutral ground, briefly and once only, gives them the chance to apologise - if you are OK with that. But this person also needs to learn that how you treat people affects them, and you don't have a right to demand to see them subsequently.

And seeing your update, I don't mean brush it under the carpet, obviously, but putting your side across can be an important part of restorative justice, which may be part of the reason for this meeting. If they can't imagine the effect it's had on you and your family then it clearly needs to be spelled out.

It doesn't sound to me like this person wants to be forgiven and to make amends. If that was on the agenda, the SW would have said so (even if the person in question was not able to write this in a letter). If that was on the agenda, given the serious nature of what occurred, the SW would be suggesting a facilitated meeting, where the SW is also present, in order to offer you some reassurance and protection, and to assist the person in saying what they want to say.

(Disclaimer: have no experience of this and therefore no idea if such 'facilitated meetings' are arranged, but it strikes me as far more sensible and sensitive than pressuring you into a meeting on your own.)

You can forgive this person without having to meet them and without having to hear what they have to say.

I like the idea of Ketchup's 2 letters.

You and your family could have died and this SW thinks you should discuss it with the young person like you'd talk about shoplifting or another minor incident. I'm sorry to say this but you are being manipulated in the worst possible way.

Erm, having read that, I would actually be worried about escalation., that they blame you and want to take it out on you/your family.

It must be a stressor, leaving LA care at 18 and I wouldn't put myself in the firing line.

Sorry that's not unicorns and roses but I wouldn't risk it.

Gosh what a scary situation. I think for me it would depend on how long the FC had lived with us (if you had a long time with them as a part of your family, perhaps some level of forgiveness would be applied?) and also whether you thought ignoring them could prove more dangerous to your family? I don't want to cause panic, but presumably they know where you live. How likely is it you get a visit from an angry FC if you don't agree to meet? Would a meeting prevent that happening in the future?

You 'used' to foster is the key.

You are under no obligation to reply and I wouldnt. I'm a foster carer and I would also consider going through the complaints process about the withheld information.

Hmmm. Your SW seems to have her priorities skewed. As does the LA.

I wouldn't let the child in the house. My concern would be that if you meet again, he or she will be expecting to continue the relationship.

You might well turn up expecting a heartfelt apology, and get a blithe demand to come and live with you again. Get the social worker to deal with this and explain you're not taking them back before you agree to anything. Apart from anything else, the young person's 'social skills' need some hardcore input from the LA.

I do have a tendency to be a bit "you're dead to me" about things which I need to keep in check and I have to remember that the LA are mainly responsible for this whole mess.

I don't - I tend to want to work with people or at least get on.

However they were in your home - your families safe environment and threatened you with a knife - and it could easily have been your DC - your sense of safety, trust and your DC has been taken. Pretty sure that something I couldn't forgive or very least I'd want no contact to avoid such a situation in the future.

Yes the LA are responsible for this and yes the young person is damaged butIf the young person appear contrite ready to make amends - I think it could possibly be different but they don't.

I think no contact is pretty understandable reaction - it's not malicious or meant to punish it's self preservation and protection of you and your DC.

My initial feeling was that a meeting in a neutral place with a third person present or even 4 (DH +child's social worker) would give you closure but having heard that the letter did not suggest that he is sorry or say that he wants to apologise means that the agenda might be him trying to reestablish connections with your family.

I think I would want to clarify this with the social worker. If the agenda is the latter then the meeting could only open up old wounds and hurt him again as it would be 'face-to face rejection' - a kind wish you well letter would be better.

If the agenda was for him to say sorry then it might help but again only with a social worker who had made it clear in advance that re-establishing regular contact was not an option.

The more that I think about it, I think that if this is all that he wants then the social worker could just encourage him to say sorry in a letter giving you the opportunity to write back and say Good Luck and Goodbye. A meeting is more likely to go wrong....

Op now I've read the details of what this young person did I agree with other posters: for your safety you should not meet them unless it is in a controlled environment. This would mean a mediation centre or similar, not just a cafe or other public space.

I think you would be best writing a letter to said person, to ensure closure, but not to meet them.

If you rationalise this as being for your safety, rather then because how you feel about them, could you stop feeling responsible/guilty?

They hadn't been with us that long. A few months. They had a few placement breakdowns before coming to us and it was hoped they'd stay with us until 18. The LA lied to us about the reasons for the previous placement breakdowns - they'd been violent in all their previous placements but this information was withheld. If we'd known, we'd never have agreed to the placement

We were never the right carers and the YP and us were set up to fail

I know why they do it, they break their own placements down before we reject them, I do understand, but that doesn't mean we have to live with it or put my own children at risk in the process.

I am actually astounded, that after everything that happened, the SW thinks it appropriate to even ask us to meet up, let alone forwarding letters and continuing to nag me

I don't think there's any risk of them turning up here. Their new placement is quite a way away, and if they were going to they'd have done it by now. I don't think they'd attack me again. They lost their temper and lashed out, however, I don't think they see that they've done anything wrong. When talking to them about previous placement breakdowns it was always someone else's fault - theIr old carer pissed them off about something, the social worker annoyed them, they'd run out of tobacco and no one would buy them any more. Which is why I don't think they'll ever apologise. They need serious help to be honest, the LA are just enabling them and minimising it all. But then, the young person will be 18 soon, it won't be their problem anymore. They can move them on and let the courts/whatever sort it out

I've never really been given an opportunity to examine my own feelings about the incident. It scared me, it scared me to think what could have happened, it could have been one of my children. I wasn't in control in my own home, my house was damaged - OK, things can be replaced and we had specialist insurance for that very reason, but it was my home. The LA put me and mine at risk of harm by not being open and truthful when this young person was placed with us and they've been arseholes ever since.

Then your beef is with the LA. They were at fault right from the start. Not telling you everything about the young person? Not supporting you afterwards? Harassing you now?

Couldn't you talk it over with your social worker after the attack? Sounds like you need to talk about it now. I agree that you should make a formal complaint. I can't believe the LA is putting pressure on you and have been so unsupportive.

Re the young person, I would write to them - not see them. Sounds like it's too raw for you.