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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to meet up with, or allow this young person in my house?

134 replies

Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 09:58

I've name changed for this, and will keep it quite vague as I don't want to out myself, or anyone else.

I'm feeling under loads of pressure and I need some straight talking. I really don't know what to do, other than the immediate feeling of wanting to keep this person well away from me and mine.

DH and I used to foster. Our last placement (an older teen) was really quite difficult, and it came to an abrupt end following an incident. The whole thing was directed towards me, but both my (younger) children witnessed it and my eldest child was hurt in the crossfire.

Since then the young person has been in contact wanting to meet up, they want to come over for dinner, see my children, etc and I don't want them anywhere near us.

Both my children were terrified at the time, and remain quite scared of this person, they don't want to see the young person and they don't want them in our home. Which I think is entirely understandable and fair enough. This is their home, their safe haven and I respect that so we said no

However, we then came under a lot of pressure from the young person's social worker, constant messages and guilt tripping from the SW. I've spoken to the SW at length about the whole thing, but own children's feelings have been completely ignored and there doesn't seem to be any understanding about how they may feel about it.

Yesterday I received a letter, written by the young person but posted on by the local authority, again asking to meet up, they miss us and want to see my children.

I feel very conflicted. I did consider offering to meet up in town on my own for a coffee or something but it feels very disloyal to my own children. I am a bit of a horror for bearing grudges and as far as my children are concerned you only get one chance and the young person blew it so I worry I'm being unfair towards someone who is, essentially, a child

The local authority were awful at the time of and following the incident and we've since discovered information was withheld from us. I was, and am still extremely angry with them so part of me feels I'm directing my anger towards the wrong person.

My immediate reaction is to come over all chest-beating-protective. No way, no chance, never. My child was hurt, how dare any of them even ask this of us.

But I don't know, I feel very conflicted and confused. I can't get past what happened, I just can't forgive or forget and I'm still bearing a massive grudge but I'm supposed to be the adult here

We no longer foster (so I no longer have my own social worker to talk it over with), pretty much as a result of this whole incident, mainly because of the way the local authority behaved so I don't feel I have any obligation towards any of them.

OP posts:
blankgaze · 10/06/2015 18:45

There's nothing to consider, just say no. Please, for the sake of your own family, do not resume contact with this person.

TattieHowkerz · 10/06/2015 19:54

I'm going to go against the grain here. You say you hold grudges, which seems to be part of your position? Well, a disturbed young person isn't the person to hold a grudge against. If the local authority withheld important information that contributed to the incident you need to take this up with them.

I think you should consider meeting with the young persons social worker and exploring ideas for contact that you may feel comfortable enough with. You might also get more of an idea what the young person is hoping for. Maybe you would all feel better for the chance to rewrite the end of the relationship.

Not wanting to diminish your distress over whatever happened Thanks

Springtimemama · 10/06/2015 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattieHowkerz · 10/06/2015 20:11

Yes, that's why I suggest contact the social worker to explore possibilities such as restorative justice, rather than inviting the young person round for lunch on Sunday.

The OP can of course refuse any contact, and that would be perfectly reasonable. But if her mind was set on that I'm guessing she wouldn't have started the thread.

MonstrousRatbag · 10/06/2015 20:13

I thikn it is a good suggestion. For a start, the SW will have to address what actually happened instead of ducking all responsibility and just forwarding letters.

ttc2015 · 10/06/2015 20:16

OP don't meet up with them, put yourself and your children first. Likely the SW are trying to arrange this so things look 'better' with everything that happened swept under the carpet. That's not fair to you, your family or this young person- yet again they are minimising which means the young person doesn't get the support and help they need.

This young person may well end up in the same frustrating place with a new family if the SS/SW hasn't sorted things, by complaining formally you highlight this and that in turn helps the young person with any support they could use. It also shows your children that you put them first as well and gives you more of a stress free life.

I would suggest speak to someone about trying to get through or passed this, for your little ones too- it sounds like you've all been through a trauma which cannot be forgotten or brushed aside. I would suggest a formal complain and then a letter to the young person, just stating simply that you hope they are well and perhaps in the future you would meet with them but making it clear this even has traumatised you and your children and right now that's your focus- you cannot forgive and forget at the moment.

NewFlipFlops · 10/06/2015 20:18

Please ignore suggestions to meet up with them, anywhere. You and your family come first. Cutting people off is actually acting on a good instinct.

sykadelic · 10/06/2015 20:23

I think your suggestion of a letter back to them is a good one. I would also include your last sentence of your second last post "My family and I are not ready". You don't have to do things on another person's timetable, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.

I would definitely write down how the situation made you feel, the damage that was caused, both emotionally and physically, and that sometimes these things take time to heal. This is one of the consequences of a poor choice they made. They've probably been molly coddled a bit too much because of their bad life and expected the same from you and yours.

Or perhaps you could meet with them in a controlled setting, like meeting at the agency with a mediator or something, as a sort of debrief. "This is what happened. These are the results." so you can better move on and close that chapter for good, like a bad friendship.

You don't HAVE to talk to anyone. You don't HAVE to meet with anyone. Not even family has a right to know you and spend time with you if that wouldn't be good for you.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 10/06/2015 20:25

Id definitely go ahead with the formal complaint, you and the YP have been badly let down.

I feel for the YP though. As soon as they hit 18 they are no longer "looked after" - they'll likely end up in some absolute shithole of a hostel.

Anyway, against the grain, I think you should contact the YPs social worker and ask them what they think the benefits of contact with the YP are/why they are pushing this. I would be open to a meeting with the YP and the social worker, with clear boundaries in a neutral location.

The YP did an utterly shitty thing to your family, but they have obviously had an utterly shitty life, and their prospects for the future are not good.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/06/2015 20:26

No one has ever apologised, even the letter yesterday was full of how I'd made the young person feel, how they missed us, how they felt about it all, no apology or anything. Maybe I'd feel less, I don't know, angry maybe, about the whole thing if someone, somewhere said sorry. Some recognition that what happened was as shit for us as it was for the young person

You will not get any apology at all and it's unlikely you will get any acknowledgement of bad behaviour on behalf of the child or SW. Unfortunately there is a growing trend in children who come into contact with children's services to never have to take responsibility for behaviour and the belief that the wishes and feelings of kids are more important than their actual needs and wellbeing. It's disconcerting.

5 months ago that almost adult was behaving in that way,you are not talking about a 13yo. You have no obligation at all and I would tell the SW that due to the behaviour and the total lack of responsibility taken for it you don't want to know.

Original poster
Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 20:40

You say you hold grudges, which seems to be part of your position?

This is what I'm struggling with. How much of this is my usual tendency to bear grudges, which lets be honest isn't particularly grown up or desirable, and how much is an entirely reasonable 'not in a million years'

I don't know, I really don't. My thinking is a bit mixed up and all over the place and I don't know why. We've had placements move on before, but they've always been planned moves and we're still in touch, maybe this one ending so badly is what's niggling. Lots of foster carers I know have said there's always one placement that affected them, even long after they've moved on. Maybe this is mine. I can't quite get a handle on it and this really isn't like me

There's no question of them coming to my house and there's no question of them seeing the children.

I'm going to talk the whole thing over with my old social worker tomorrow.

Thanks all Flowers

OP posts:
Staywithme · 10/06/2015 20:43

Sorry, but I don't think you should have any contact with this YP, letter or otherwise. If you do, then you open the door to more contact, as they may respond to your letter expecting a response and so on. I also think that this is their sw doing damage limitation. They have just lost a good foster parent as a result of withheld information and I think the shit has hit the fan. They may have been told to sort this out and think that once you agree to contact then the sw can talk you round to fostering again. They do not have your best interests at heart and I honestly don't think they're doing this for the benefit of the YP either. She is being used as a means to an end.

Staywithme · 10/06/2015 20:47

As for the holding of grudges? Ffs why wouldn't you hold a grudge? They terrorised your family and left you to pick up the pieces. Your children are your first priority and to be honest they may feel betrayed by you forgiving this person for what they were put through.

Original poster
Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 20:48

Sorry, crossed posts again

I actually think my old SW should be the one to talk to the YP's SW, he would know better than me what they're hoping to achieve with this. I think he needs to step up again now and help us deal with it. We may not be foster carers anymore, but all this is as a direct result of fostering.

I will definitely talk to him about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Daytimetellysucks · 10/06/2015 20:51

Yes, I agree, I think there's a certain amount of arse covering/damage limitation going on here.

I also think the SW has made the YP promises they can't keep/had no business making

OP posts:
TattieHowkerz · 10/06/2015 20:51

Be kind to yourself OP, and make the decision in your own time

Inertia · 10/06/2015 20:54

I don't think holding a grudge is the issue. It sounds as though your reluctance is driven by fear for your safety and that of your children, rather than revenge.

Any process of reparation or restorative justice cannot be at the cost of your safety.

Cosmonautarian · 10/06/2015 21:00

Long term foster carer. I had a similar situation some years ago. The young person I fostered is now serving a life sentence in prison. Please don't write a letter or offer to meet. This child is now an adult and you have no idea where resuming contact could lead.

BlossomTang · 10/06/2015 21:00

Meeting the YP will bring back memories of the attack and make it harder for your family to move forward. Everything in your post says no to meeting him again. You seem a fair and decent person, sometimes you have to accept you cannot undo the damage inflicted on this YP which has made him behave the way he has.

I would not contact him at all as this may make him think you want to continue some sort of relationship with him. I would also write a formal complaint to the head of the SW team at the LA for them putting you in this very unfair situation

lastuseraccount123 · 10/06/2015 21:02

you sound very self-aware, which is great.

IMO, holding grudges can be a way for us to protect ourselves - i.e. this person hurt me once, i won't let them hurt me again. There is nothing wrong with that in this situation. The fact that they never apologized makes it even worse.

YANBU.

Lucked · 10/06/2015 21:06

The YPs social worker is focused entirely on them, the consequences to anyone else are not really their problem. I wonder if there is a motive you don't know about. How is the criminal side being handled? I can just imagine a judge being told
"Look YP has been back round to the house for dinner, the family and children are fine! etc"

If YP was desperate to apologise you would have received a letter or their social worker would have mentioned it. Maybe in 5 years or some time down the line you will receive an apology and you may reconsider meeting.

diddl · 10/06/2015 21:08

I think that it is ridiculous that they are asking to come to dinner & see your children after what they did.

Ridiculous that the request has even been forwarded to you.

What if you suggest something else rather than exactly what they want, how might they react?

Better to just say no imo.

lastuseraccount123 · 10/06/2015 21:10

"I wonder if there is a motive you don't know about. How is the criminal side being handled? I can just imagine a judge being told
"Look YP has been back round to the house for dinner, the family and children are fine! etc""

me too.

NameChange30 · 10/06/2015 21:19

Glad to hear you have support from your old social worker OP. It sounds as if he'll be much more helpful than the terrible new one! Good luck with the complaint and letter tomorrow. Remember you're doing the right thing. And let us know how you get on.

Sunnyshores · 10/06/2015 21:24

The SW isnt respecting you at all, continuing to push you to meet up. But I wonder if this is because you arent giving a straight definitive answer to the SW. Tell her no, you wont meet up, your duty of care is to your children, to the exclusion of all others. They'd be knocking on your door and taking your kids away if they heard they were at risk from a friend of yours.