to not want to meet up with, or allow this young person in my house?

[Daytimetellysucks]

I've name changed for this, and will keep it quite vague as I don't want to out myself, or anyone else.

I'm feeling under loads of pressure and I need some straight talking. I really don't know what to do, other than the immediate feeling of wanting to keep this person well away from me and mine.

DH and I used to foster. Our last placement (an older teen) was really quite difficult, and it came to an abrupt end following an incident. The whole thing was directed towards me, but both my (younger) children witnessed it and my eldest child was hurt in the crossfire.

Since then the young person has been in contact wanting to meet up, they want to come over for dinner, see my children, etc and I don't want them anywhere near us.

Both my children were terrified at the time, and remain quite scared of this person, they don't want to see the young person and they don't want them in our home. Which I think is entirely understandable and fair enough. This is their home, their safe haven and I respect that so we said no

However, we then came under a lot of pressure from the young person's social worker, constant messages and guilt tripping from the SW. I've spoken to the SW at length about the whole thing, but own children's feelings have been completely ignored and there doesn't seem to be any understanding about how they may feel about it.

Yesterday I received a letter, written by the young person but posted on by the local authority, again asking to meet up, they miss us and want to see my children.

I feel very conflicted. I did consider offering to meet up in town on my own for a coffee or something but it feels very disloyal to my own children. I am a bit of a horror for bearing grudges and as far as my children are concerned you only get one chance and the young person blew it so I worry I'm being unfair towards someone who is, essentially, a child

The local authority were awful at the time of and following the incident and we've since discovered information was withheld from us. I was, and am still extremely angry with them so part of me feels I'm directing my anger towards the wrong person.

My immediate reaction is to come over all chest-beating-protective. No way, no chance, never. My child was hurt, how dare any of them even ask this of us.

But I don't know, I feel very conflicted and confused. I can't get past what happened, I just can't forgive or forget and I'm still bearing a massive grudge but I'm supposed to be the adult here

We no longer foster (so I no longer have my own social worker to talk it over with), pretty much as a result of this whole incident, mainly because of the way the local authority behaved so I don't feel I have any obligation towards any of them.

No, THEY took it away when they smashed up your house and threatened you with a knife!

Please take it from someone who knows, you've done nothing wrong, they are not your responsibility, you were not doing what you thought you were doing, you were lied too. All of that negates any responsibility you thought you had.

SS lied about previous placements
SS are bullying and trying emotional blackmail
Your DC are scared
You could have died
Your DC were frightened
You were assaulted

Don't miss anything out.

I have no experience with fostering. However as awful an upbringing this 17yo has had, there has to be some consequences for their extreme behaviour and to understand you can't just sweep it under the carpet and meet for coffee.

Personally, I wouldn't write and I wouldn't meet. Either the 17yo or the SW (or both) seem to be pursuing you over this which would make me nervous. I'd be worried that this is the start of them wanting on-going contact. It doesn't seem likely the 17yo is going to apologise otherwise there would be something in the letter that would indicate a remorseful and mature request. I really don't think asking for dinner with your family is that! Plus, if an apology or even understanding of their responsibility for what's happened isn't there, then I'm not really sure how much closure you're going to get from meeting with them.

You were lied to and manipulated before. There is no reason to think that this has changed and that you are not still being lied to and manipulated.

The problem is that the young person may be feeling you have some responsibility towards them too. You said you're in contact with all the others. It is possible they are expecting those same privileges - coming round for dinner, etc.

The social worker didn't say they want to apologize, so it's entirely possible you could turn up for coffee and walk away feeling worse than before, depending on their viewpoint.

You don't foster now, and you don't have any obligation towards someone who threatened you with a knife. I would send a very stern 'no' letter, or complain, then leave it alone.

I think that if the YP wanted to apologise and was going through some sort of therapeutic process, as part of which they would benefit from hearing how their actions affected you and your family at the time and since, I would be prepared to enter into an exchange of letters with the possibility of a face to face meeting further down the line with a therapist present if the YP's progress makes that appropriate for all concerned.

It doesn't sound like this is part of a therapeutic or educational process, although it may be that the YP is trying to cobble together such a process for themselves. If that's the case it could get a whole lot messier so I wouldn't engage at all.

I would write asking the SW management what they think such a meeting would achieve for this YP, what work they would need to do with them first to prepare them and enable it to be a successful meeting, what the long term aims of that process would be, what support they would offer you if you participated in this process and what support they are willing to offer your own children to help them deal with the trauma of dragging this all up again.

Having seen your further posts it sounds like the advice to write and then have no more contact is the best.

The placement was short and it wasn't long ago. The incident was terrible.

What a terrible shame for all concerned. So sorry that you, who were doing a good and absolutely vital to society thing, have had to suffer for this because SS were not doing their job.

Good luck OP

Sorry, I didn't mean to drip feed, I did mention the LA withholding information in my OP, I just didn't elaborate, there's a whole catalogue of shitty behaviour by the LA, but I need to keep it vague

You said you're in contact with all the others. It is possible they are expecting those same privileges - coming round for dinner, etc.

Yes, I think that's probably the case. I've always found with our LA, if you give an inch they'll take a mile. They're not saying to the YP, look xy and z happened, this is the consequences of your behaviour. The LA are enabling this behaviour by treating it all as if I'm the one in the wrong

What we do with previous placements is entirely our business. We have no obligation to remain in contact with any of them, but we've always felt that they're all members of our family and I wouldn't cut my own child off when they move out. They come over for Sunday lunch with a bin bag of washing, etc. That's fine. I love that they do it. We've had some challenging placements, some have made me tear my hair out and wonder what the fuck I'm doing, but none have hurt my child or pulled a knife on me.

I understand that ultimately, the social worker's priority is to put her looked after children first, but my children are understandably my priority and it's all sorts of wrong to expect me to put a child, that isn't mine and no longer lives with us ahead of my own children.

I've just had a chat with our old social worker. I needed some information from him to fill in the complaint form and he's pretty horrified by it all. He's coming over tomorrow for a chat and to help me fill in the form so fingers crossed this will be the end of it.

Sorry, x-posted, but Goldmandra, yes, I agree.

If this was some sort of restorative justice/therapeutic work then I'd consider it. If it was, I'm sure the social worker would have said so. We've supported a YP with something like this before and it isn't just a case of going round for dinner and brushing the whole thing under the carpet.

It may be that the YP is trying to do this on their own, but that's a hell of a can of worms to open (for the YP as much as my own children) if the YP isn't being properly supported and is in a good and settled place and I don't want to get caught in the crossfire again.

It sounds you have been really let down, and the LA are failing to take a balanced approach to this situation. All the best with it.

I would write asking the SW management what they think such a meeting would achieve for this YP, what work they would need to do with them first to prepare them and enable it to be a successful meeting, what the long term aims of that process would be, what support they would offer you if you participated in this process and what support they are willing to offer your own children to help them deal with the trauma of dragging this all up again.

I agree with this. And it astonishes me that the SW for this young person is offering you nothing in terms of context or reassurance despite knowing the circumstances. Frankly if it is such a desirable thing for you to see this kid then SW should be offering a meeting at which s/he is present and which has objectives notified to you in advance.

Any kind of private meeting is a bad idea. Nothing in it for you except risk.

I think writing a letter to the YP is a good idea, but only if you feel able to offer some honesty.

A letter along the lines of "I wish you well, but I don't want to meet. Don't contact me" is just another door slamming in their face.

At nearly 18, they are old enough to handle some truth.

I am NOT suggesting that you dump all your own emotions on them.

However, I do think that you could, and should, outline some of the consequences that their actions has had on you and your family. Also point out the lack of any apology or taking of responsibility for what happened. You could also mention that you feel that the local authority has let both you and the YP down by placing the YP inappropriately and withholding information.

After all, the YP has outlined their emotions in a letter. By reciprocating, you will enable them to better understand your side of things.

I think that once you have drafted a letter, you will know whether or not it will be appropriate to send.

I am glad you are making a complaint. It sounds like your own family need to do some healing and I think that has to be your focus.

Sounds like you have been a lifeline to many already

You seem to be questioning whether you are being petty or unkind to not go along with something which may make this young person feel better

Sorry, I missed this earlier, but yes, I guess I am.

I can't get past what they did, I can't forgive or forget. If it had just been me or our house then it would be a different story. But they messed with my kids. They hurt my child and you do not mess with my children. Ever.

I do have a tendency to be extremely bloody minded and I get a bee in my bonnet about things. In some ways, this is good. I'll fight tooth and nail for my YP's rights and I won't let things lie. But in other ways, such as this, I wonder if it's not such a good thing. Is it fair, or even right, to be so, I don't know, harsh maybe, when dealing with someone who is essentially still a child?

I don't think they will apologise, I don't think they'll even think they've done anything wrong, it won't be their fault. In time, with hindsight and some growing up behind them and they seek us out, fine, but right now, it's very raw and I can't think straight. I thought I'd put it all to bed, but then the letter arrived and I'm questioning myself

I'm going to talk it over with my social worker tomorrow, he's going to help me with the complaint forms and I'll get him to help me write a letter to the YP.

I don't want to be yet another person who rejects them, but at the same time, I can't get past what they did and I'm not ready to be the grown up and turn the other cheek.

If there was an 'incident' maybe they want to see you to put things right? Or was it a breezy lets move on and you are supposed to forget about it etc? I think the one who caused the incident needs to know that its left an impression and hasnt been forgotten/was serious to you so hence reluctance to meet. Realising when you have gone to far is something you need to learn from and apologise for.

IME a child having to leave a foster placement doesn't feel rejected in the way that they do about parents who didn't want them. Ime it doesn't cross the mind it is just something that happened due to incompetence and immaturity (not me).

Please put your children first. It's how it should be.

The YP is old enough then to deal with the consequences of their actions. In this case that is that they are not entitled to the privilege of being part of your family life. Say NO and move on, I can tell how burdened you are with this but honestly, you have done nothing to reproach yourself for

With a teenager like that (and I know a few of the self centered so & so's) it is probable that they are looking to tap into what you might do for them (dinner, washing etc) as oppose to feeling any kind of remorse or wishing to making amends. I bet you anything that they are not looking for contact with any former placement that does NOT have form for ongoing support post 18. I don't mean to offend or sound harsh, but just because they have been in the system doesn't mean that they are not unpleasant and selfish!

I think they need to face the consequences of their actions. If they did this to a spouse, they'd end up behind bars with a non molestation order (note - not a legal buff but they may be legally blocked from contacting their victim).

Yes they were a child by not by much. They need to learn ASAP that if you hurt someone they may not want to see you again. Good luck for tomorrow.

Not that that is the OP's problem.

See, that's the thing. I feel like it is my problem. At least to a certain extent. It's exactly why I'm tying myself up in knots

You know far more about fostering than most of us; your instincts are telling you not to get involved with this child again, and I think you should trust your instincts.
The Social Worker is naturally considering her client above your family, so obviously she is pushing you; you have to safeguard your family and put them first.

Personally I would write and explain your feelings and your reasons for not meeting up. You can do this whilst still showing empathy for the yp.

I think they need to hear the truth, that you are not willing to put yourself and your dc through anymore due to the severity of the incident and that whilst you understand they were/are in a hard place and you understand that there are reasons for that behaviour, they must also understand that there are emotional and physical consequences for your own family and you don't wish to open it all up again. Then say that you're sure with the passage of time they will have matured and learnt from the the episode and that you are sure that such an incident will not happen again, however you do not feel that you have the emotional resiliance to get involved again. Then wish them well in their future.

This way you are giving them the faith in their own ability to behave reasonably and that you trust them, but also showing them the consequences for others, in that sort of behaviour.

You and your family were badly let down by SS. I'd refuse to see or have the teen in my house again too.
Your number one priority is your children and they have bee traumatized by this person. No way would I allow any contact at all.
You are not being petty at all.

YANBU. It is totally out of order that SW is behaving this way - very unprofessional. I would but in a complaint to their line manager. There is a shortage of foster parents as it is and putting pressure on families like this doesn't help.