to not want to meet up with, or allow this young person in my house?

[Daytimetellysucks]

I've name changed for this, and will keep it quite vague as I don't want to out myself, or anyone else.

I'm feeling under loads of pressure and I need some straight talking. I really don't know what to do, other than the immediate feeling of wanting to keep this person well away from me and mine.

DH and I used to foster. Our last placement (an older teen) was really quite difficult, and it came to an abrupt end following an incident. The whole thing was directed towards me, but both my (younger) children witnessed it and my eldest child was hurt in the crossfire.

Since then the young person has been in contact wanting to meet up, they want to come over for dinner, see my children, etc and I don't want them anywhere near us.

Both my children were terrified at the time, and remain quite scared of this person, they don't want to see the young person and they don't want them in our home. Which I think is entirely understandable and fair enough. This is their home, their safe haven and I respect that so we said no

However, we then came under a lot of pressure from the young person's social worker, constant messages and guilt tripping from the SW. I've spoken to the SW at length about the whole thing, but own children's feelings have been completely ignored and there doesn't seem to be any understanding about how they may feel about it.

Yesterday I received a letter, written by the young person but posted on by the local authority, again asking to meet up, they miss us and want to see my children.

I feel very conflicted. I did consider offering to meet up in town on my own for a coffee or something but it feels very disloyal to my own children. I am a bit of a horror for bearing grudges and as far as my children are concerned you only get one chance and the young person blew it so I worry I'm being unfair towards someone who is, essentially, a child

The local authority were awful at the time of and following the incident and we've since discovered information was withheld from us. I was, and am still extremely angry with them so part of me feels I'm directing my anger towards the wrong person.

My immediate reaction is to come over all chest-beating-protective. No way, no chance, never. My child was hurt, how dare any of them even ask this of us.

But I don't know, I feel very conflicted and confused. I can't get past what happened, I just can't forgive or forget and I'm still bearing a massive grudge but I'm supposed to be the adult here

We no longer foster (so I no longer have my own social worker to talk it over with), pretty much as a result of this whole incident, mainly because of the way the local authority behaved so I don't feel I have any obligation towards any of them.

I'd write a letter back, if you do meet up don't go alone. But end it there whichever route you choose. If the letters continue then make a complaint. In fact, if you do decide to meet the LA should support you with that and ensure your safety on neutral ground. I would insist upon that.

I say, no, don't write, don't meet up. The social workers are being crap. What this child did was extreme. My heart goes out to children in care. Of course he is behaving like this because of his crap life experiences. However, you, and you meeting with him is not the answer now. Social services need to strategically plan how he gets through this episode. It is for them to work with him, to give support to him etc. they also should have supported you through it as well. What he did was a criminal offence for which he could have been convicted and placed in secure accommodation. He has attacked a person who has been caring for him and terrified her and her family. He must and needs to learn the hard consequences of this, the needs to make amends, to recognise the hurt he has caused. He needs to see that a mother needs to protect her children. Basically, he has to feel the seriousness of this. Only once he really sees this and has genuinely expressed remorse, then some carefully managed meeting with a mediator and yourself may be appropriate if you are good enough to feel ok with it. On no account should social services be considering an informal 'meal' scenario with your family. It simply beggars belief. So this kid can think that violence and creating fear is a normal part of family life?! Please, for your sake, and this child's sake, make a formal complaint about how this situation has been dealt with. Don't feel guilty. If you do what s,s. ask, you are not helping this young person. You are not in a position to put this right, they are.

I wouldn't see them at all, they knew what they were doing when they attacked you. Any apology would fall on deaf ears, i doubt they care about you, they probably want to make themselves feel better and give the SW something to put on their file.

They abused you and terrified your DC, there would be no coming back from that for it were me. Will they be charged for their criminal acts?

Also if they're just about to turn 18 they're hardly a child are they.

He has a history of violence and has harmed you in front of your kids. There is no way I would even consider meeting up with this person even if it's in a public place, that would not guarantee your safety. If he is remorseful and wants to apologize he can do that in a letter.

I agree with other posters about making a formal complaint and seeing it through.

I think that is the thing that may help you get closure. And a formal complaint may be the thing that helps this young person, and others like them, best by making the LA and SW confront and account for their own actions in all of this.

Actually nelliee is right. Spot on. SSD do need to deal with this, not you.

I did talk it over with my own social worker at the time, but I felt OK to be honest. My children, especially DC2 fell apart and my focus was on them. I'd bought this young person into their lives and needed to fix them first

Receiving that letter has really hit me actually. Maybe I didn't look after myself as much as I should have at the time. And now I don't have a social worker

I don't know, I feel a bit like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

If I though they were going to apologise, or if anyone would take their share of the responsibility for what happened I may be more amenable.

At the time, my SW felt that cases like this should be looked at by the safeguarding board. OK, no one was seriously hurt, but the LA had failed us, and the young person from a very young age and these cases are just as important as the more serious ones.

Sorry, crossed posts.

Yes, I think I need to make a formal complaint now.

I'm going to go and look into it.

Thanks all.

It feels better to talk about it actually, I'm not really allowed to talk about it with my friends and family as they all know me and the young person. A bit of anonymous talking has helped

OP you need to make an official complaint to the local authority. I think you should also name the social worker in your complaint.

I am generally a forgiving person but in the circumstances I don't think you should have any more contact with this young person. If s/he had written to apologise, it might be appropriate to write back to acknowledge it and wish them well. But that's not the case. Definitely don't invite them to your home and don't meet them somewhere neutral either. You have no guarantee of support (which is what you would need) from the local authority / social worker who have been shit so far.

I do think it's right to direct your anger to them rather than the young person. They had a duty to provide the right information and support, which they didn't do. They knowingly put your whole family at risk. And other families too by the sounds of it.

No. Just no.

I think it's time to write a strongly worded letter to the LA, as high up the chain as you can go, making it clear that this is your final word. There will be no further contact and if the SW continues to harass you, you will seek legal advice.

You've had a terrible experience, it's time to draw a line under it.

Sorry cross-post. Glad to hear you intend to make a complaint. Good luck.

I was fostered and had very good carers and extremely bad absuive ones so I know what good and bad can be done from both sides. Do not let this person be a toxic influence in your life anymore. Stand up to the disgusting behaviour from the SW and don't let anyone tell you YABU. I'd go so far as to make a complaint re the SS. They have behaved disgracefully, though I am not at all surprised.

Product of their environment should not be a reason to excuse behaviour.

I had a really and childhood and somehow I managed to not threaten anyone with a knife or smash up a house. Everyone has free will. I'm a credit to myself. No one else. People who behave badly still made that choice. JMHO.

YANBU, your family comes first. It sounds like the incident had a major effect on your family, and you are all still recovering from the incident.

But I do feel for this young person, as they have most likely had an awful childhood, and both they and you have been failed by the local authority. From what you have said, they should never have been placed with you.

Nellie is absolutely spot on.

It is only on planet SW that the victim of a violent assault would be expected to welcome their attacker into the family home and act as if nothing has happened. It is seriously warped thinking without giving any consideration to the people who suffered at the hands of this young thug.

Im glad you are going to formally complain you opened your home became a carer and this young kid was dumped on you without sufficient support fwiw i wouldn't meetthem id maybe write through Ss wish them well for the future, maybe are looking for a family to cling to and thats sad but that isnt your responsibility

Breadmaker. I totally agree with you. It shouldn't be an excuse. I guess I'm just so used to hearing from the LA.

I guess I feel that I have some responsibility to this young person. We welcomed them into our home, we built a relationship with them. Possibly the first taste of "normal" family life they'd ever had. And then we took it away.

I know it was their actions that lead to this, but part of me still feels I have some responsibility to them. We should never have taken them in the first place if we weren't able to stick with it. I know we weren't given the information we needed to make an informed decision, but that isn't the YP's fault either

But then they hurt my children and I want to rip their head off.

I thought I had it all square, and then this letter arrived.

OK, with the dripfeed of them only being with you a few months and everything else about previous placements, I'd go no further than a letter. And agree about escalating a complaint because clearly SS knowingly put your own DC at risk, which is never acceptable.

The fact that the letter you've received doesn't contain an apology or any remorse makes me think you should either write a letter or do nothing. Definitely don't offer to meet. You and your family have been failed, as has this young person, and you did nothing to deserve it and have now been left adrift with the compounded pressure of the LA forwarding a letter without warning you.

It may help you to write a letter, even if you don't send it, to outline explicitly the impact this has had on you and your children, which may help you to process things more fully. I think your children would possibly find it hard to reason why you'd want to meet this person again after what's happened to you and to them. I think you should definitely complain as this is a serious failing and could have ended disastrously for you.

You've done a wonderful thing by fostering a young person but your priority now is your own wellbeing and that of your family.

I think if the young person wanted to apologise, they would have said so in the letter when asking to meet you, put that they would like a chance to say sorry in person etc. But they didn't. So that's not what this meeting is about. Perhaps they want the chance to convince themselves you are ok with what they did and it wasn't that bad, or to tell you how good their life is now, or want to have a go at you for "giving up on them" or explain how it wasnt actually their fault (while not really apologising).

You won't be hearing a sorry. And I think that would be more upsetting for you than not doing so. Please don't agree to meet thinking that you will be getting a heart felt apology, at best you'll get a "sorry, but it wasn't my fault because of XXXX".

This won't give you any closure on what happened. It might be better to look into some councelling to talk though what happened to you with someone who is in no way connected to it.

Basically, I would be in the "don't do it" camp.

Sorry, crossed posts again.

I've downloaded the complaint forms so I'm going to fill them in.

I'm also going to write back to the LA and the YP, explaining that whilst I wish the YP well, I'm not prepared to meet up and do not want any more contact.

I guess the YP and the LA know we stay in contact with all our previous placements and expect the same here - we've had some challenging (to say the least ) placements, but none of the others ever pulled a knife on me or smashed up our house.