To ask my friend to give my fiancé a hug?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment- we haven't seen each other since the end of March but will be together again permanently in August . He works in a big city abroad where he basically has no close friends, only colleagues. One of my old female friends also lives in the same city. I put them in touch and they met up for a coffee recently and got on well. I was really pleased for my DP because I thought it was nice that he had met a like-minded person at last- I knew they'd get on as they have a lot in common.

Anyway, tonight my DP went to an event also attended by my friend. I knew they were both going and messaged my friend asking her to give DP a hug from me. She did so. DP was pleased, as he has found it difficult only having 'professional' contact for so long. We are both pretty tactile people- I hug my friends and family all the time, and I can't imagine not having a hug for months.

When I told my mum about this, she was horrified. She said that I was 'throwing them together' and 'encouraging them' and lots of other things which really upset me, because the thought of anything going on between my female friend and my DP had never even entered my head. AIBU to think my mum is a loon? Or am I being naive here?

I don't think this is weird at all. DW and I have had to do more than our fair share of long-distance stints before we got married and I'd have welcomed such a gesture and vice versa. We're both very tactile too. It's a hug ffs! It's supposed to be supportive not sexual!

You're playing with fire, but any damage done is alreasy done, and any attempt at jealously prizing them apart, could push them together.

One thing you have is that you know them better than any of us or your mum, so there's that.

Also re other posts I agree that people who cheat are arseholes, but there are definitely guys who will cheat opportunistically who under normal circumstances would not dream of pursuing it.

I wouldn't think anything of it and would have been at anyone reacting like your mum did. I understand that we all have different life experiences which colour our perception of things like this, but if I was in your shoes I'd trust them both too.

DishPig I don't think it's sexual at all, I just think when I need a hug from DH, a hug from someone else will not cut the mustard. Hugs by proxy is an odd notion to me, but to each their own. I don't think it's harmful, just weirdly pointless.

And Worra just isn't very huggy with people she doesn't invite in (I think).

Gosh in that case you don't know me at all

You don't have to be a non huggy person to think asking another person to physically hug someone else on your behalf, is a bit strange.

Horses for courses.

Am with your mum on this one.

Only you know the two involved.

When DP was away for 9 months many years ago he asked his friend to take care of me - just see me occasionally and check I was ok - as long as I was happy with it. I was and it was nice. Several dinners/drinks over the period. Nothing more than affection/companionship. Still all friends 30 years on.

I just think hugs by proxy are weird. I like hugs from specific people not just anyone!

But ultimately if he's going to have an affair he will regardless of hugs etc.

Has your friend introduced him to any of her social group? If he found people to do sports with etc that might help too

You're playing with fire

Why?! I genuinely don't understand why people think this is so risky! Even if he is an 'opportunistic cheat' (which he probably isn't), why are we assuming that she will fancy him? And even if she did, why would she betray her friends' trust?
This thread is so bloody weird.

Some people on here seem to think that this hug could genuinely incite an affair? There must be a lot of insecurity in some of your relationships.

Oh my frigging god! I'm finding this thread utterly bizarre reading!! Do people honestly think that if a man is a bit lonely and has a hug that he will instantly turn into a rabid sexual being and jump the woman? It's a hug! Not a three minute long groin to groin cuddle with neck nuzzle and ear lobe nibble!

We do the "give them a hug from me" thing OP, and pass them on. No ones ended up bed hopping as a result. We even get drunk with friends of the opposite sex whose partners aren't there, exchange hugs at the end of the night and manage not to fall into bed with each other. "Playing with fire"? Ridiculous! Not all men are sex pests, just waiting to be fired up by a look, a touch, a hug. But then Ive seen a crazy thread on here before, where far more posters than not climbed out of the woodwork saying that they didn't like/allow/believe in opposite sex platonic friendships once your are married - which I found beyond funny considering every one I know manages to have friends of the opposite sex without lusting after them. Feminism works both ways; isn't it about time we put paid to this idea that men can't control themselves around women unsupervised. It's hugely disrespectful to men.

If you think your partner is going to have an affair because he's hugging another woman, that doesn't say much about your trust in him.

Yes but kvetch what an insecure paranoid way to live life! OP doesn't seem to harbour any suspicions that her fiancé is a cheat. So it doesn't need to enter the equation! In normal trusting relationships people do tend to actually allow their partners to spend unsupervised time with members of the opposite sex!

And isn't it a bit disrespectful to assume that OP's fiancé and friend have so little control that they'll just jump into bed together at the first opportunity?

Is MN usually this weird overnight?

I can't see why anyone would jump to such sexually charged conclusions that many posters have. Frankly I'd hate to live with such suspicious minds.

OP, it was a lovely gesture, not at all weird, your mum and some of the previous posters have very unpleasant way of looking at people.

Some posters clearly have a very low opinion of their loved ones and friends.

I think you sound really thoughtful and understanding of how your dh is feeling. Only you know the two, so you are the best person to predict whether something would happen between them, but if you're not suspicious I think you are probably right. It seems your dh really appreciates it it must be lonely.

Agree with Shadows

Some strange responses here...

Also agree with shadows, what a sad world to live in where you automatically worry that a friend hugging your partner will lead to an affair. Absolutely crackers!

If my partner was meeting friends I knew, male or female, I may often say give X a hug or even kiss from me. I don't then expect they leap into bed with each other.

OP, partner and friend all sound very sweet to me.

Well, thank you for your opinions, everyone! It's interesting to see the differences :)

I agree that a male/female friendship doesn't necessarily mean there is anything sexual going on but it might.
I met DH at Uni and we were both with other people, we were good friends and nothing happened between us until we were both single but obviously there were feelings there - which I would have sworn was NOT the case.
In any event I wouldn't ask any of my friends to hug my DH for me, it's a bit weird.

I don't get your mum's response or many of those I've read here, so YANBU in my opinion. It's not like your partner would be all, hmmm I was fully intending to remain faithful but now Polly has ok'd her friend hugging me we'd better get bonking!

Then again my friends are huggy, my family is very huggy and most days my mum says to kiss the kids from her and I do, so it's not surprising this seems normal to me.

I agree with EmzDisco