My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To ask my friend to give my fiancé a hug?

154 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 09/06/2015 23:03

My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment- we haven't seen each other since the end of March but will be together again permanently in August Smile. He works in a big city abroad where he basically has no close friends, only colleagues. One of my old female friends also lives in the same city. I put them in touch and they met up for a coffee recently and got on well. I was really pleased for my DP because I thought it was nice that he had met a like-minded person at last- I knew they'd get on as they have a lot in common.

Anyway, tonight my DP went to an event also attended by my friend. I knew they were both going and messaged my friend asking her to give DP a hug from me. She did so. DP was pleased, as he has found it difficult only having 'professional' contact for so long. We are both pretty tactile people- I hug my friends and family all the time, and I can't imagine not having a hug for months.

When I told my mum about this, she was horrified. She said that I was 'throwing them together' and 'encouraging them' and lots of other things which really upset me, because the thought of anything going on between my female friend and my DP had never even entered my head. AIBU to think my mum is a loon? Or am I being naive here?

OP posts:
Report
katese11 · 10/06/2015 20:05

I think there's a risk here of an emotional affair but that could happen with or without the hug thing! I'd encourage them to hang out with a wider range of people (her friends?) rather than just one on one

Report
HootyMcTooty · 10/06/2015 20:11

Risk of an emotional affair? Good grief. How on earth do you reach that conclusion? Men and women can be friends.

Report
flora717 · 10/06/2015 20:13

I am so shocked that people think this is likely to "lead somewhere". Oh my goodness!

Report
katese11 · 10/06/2015 20:18

Errrr. ... Because they're having an intense one on one relationship far away from his OH? That's not crazy talk. EAs can happen v easily but more so when one person is cut off from their loved ones.

Report
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 10/06/2015 20:19

Ditto flora. I think people think that living abroad turns you into a raging nymph (and a cheat)! I lived in Paris, Madrid and Milan for a total of 2 years while my DP was at home and shock horror managed not to sleep with anyone!

Report
MrsTedCrilly · 10/06/2015 20:20

It sounds lovely OP! Personally DP would never want to hug someone else and likewise for me, it wouldn't do anything for me if I didn't know them.. But everyone is different! If they were the type to cheat then they will, but doesn't sound like they are. It's nice they've got each other to hang around with.

There are definitely people in this world who are just waiting for temptation or an opportunity, and these are the people we think of when we judge these situations.. But not everyone is like that.

Report
saturnvista · 10/06/2015 20:20

I don't think it's wise, either. But obviously a personal thing.

Report
lougle · 10/06/2015 20:39

There is no way I'd be doing this.

Report
Sunnyshores · 10/06/2015 20:55

I dont think its the hug thats the problem. But what would worry me in this situation is that OP has said her OH is fairly low at the moment, over a period of time if his only social interactions are with this women, then Id worry he will become emotionally involved and dependent on her.
Stranger things have happened (David Beckham alone in Madrid...allegedly. Cant think of a more committed family man and look what he did when he was lonely)

Report
PuppyMonkey · 10/06/2015 21:01

I'm still Grin at this.

Report
Purplepixiedust · 10/06/2015 21:03

I think it is a bit odd that you give someone a hug from someone else. That is a new one on me. If someone I wouldn't normally hug, passes one on from someone else, that would seem weird (and I do hug friends).

Having said that, if they did hug with our without instruction from you, it does not mean you they are suddenly going to embark on an affair!

Report
meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 21:18

He's Isolated.
He's Lonely
Hasn't had sex for months? Hmm
Hasn't had any form of physical contact.
You are not around.

You have put him in touch with a female friend of yours.
You are encouraging them to go out together.
You are even encouraging physical contact. (yes it's only hugs, but it's still Physical Contact)

He's alone.
He's Lonely
You are not around.
But, your friend IS around.

This is the thing OP.
They might only be friends now, but the more they go out together, the closer they will become, the closer they become, the more they will start relying on eachother, the more they will start to share close/private conversations, the more danger there is that they will become a bit too close.
As it is, you are pushing them into having an emotional affair at the least, with the potential to turn physical.

You are being very naive (I admire it in a way sometimes ignorance is bliss). Hmm

But sorry to say, I think your mother has a point.

May I suggest you read

www.amazon.co.uk/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering-ebook/dp/B00B0X1UPA/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1433967461&sr=1-1&keywords=not%20just%20friends&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Report
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 10/06/2015 21:20

meyes maybe they don't even like each other?

Report
meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 21:26

Errrr. ... Because they're having an intense one on one relationship far away from his OH? That's not crazy talk. EAs can happen v easily but more so when one person is cut off from their loved ones.

Exactly Kaetz.

I'm sure we 'doubters' would love nothing better than for OP to come back on here in six months time, announcing her wedding to her lovely fiance and prove us all wrong.
That would be great.

I agree it's not good to be too suspicious (which I possibly am), but there's also nothing good about being a bit too naive and imagining the world is all moonlight and roses and that affairs never happen.

Report
meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 21:29

meyes maybe they don't even like each other?

They've spoken on the phone
They've gone for coffees
They have also arranged to attend an event together.

They like eachother.

Report
AlansLeftMoob · 10/06/2015 21:32

You know them better than anyone, it comes down to trust with regard to both of them. If you know you can trust them 100% then what is there to worry about?

I wouldn't be encouraging the whole physical contact thing, though. But I'm not a very huggy person anyway.

Report
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 22:08

This is hilarious!

meyes maybe they don't even like each other?

'They've spoken on the phone- no they haven't
They've gone for coffees- yes, at my suggestion
They have also arranged to attend an event together.-no, they both happened to have booked to attend the same event ages before they even met or knew of each other's existence

I am finding the responses here very comical!

OP posts:
Report
ttc2015 · 10/06/2015 22:09

I don't see the issue. If they wanted to fuck they'd not need a hug to justify it.

I trust my female friends and DP 100%, it wouldn't be weird to me at all. A random, yes, a good friend, no. Actually though it would depend on the friend, one friend he would fuck anyone including DP

Report
PuppyMonkey · 10/06/2015 22:14

OP, I think you ought to advise your DP not to go out in public ever again in case he sees another female and is forced to start shagging her. You'd only have yourself to blame if he did. Wink

Report
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 22:16

Lol puppy. Sage advice indeed ;)

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2015 22:32

PollyCazaletWannabe I have not read all the comments but have read your op and some recent comments.

I am afraid I think there is a risk you will end up encouraging your friend and your fiancée to form an emotional attachment, which might lead to something else.

The reality is that this will probably not happen, but why risk it?

In your shoes I would not encourage finance towards one specific person who you are suggesting is in some way 'in your place' at least in the hugging stakes.

When one boyfriend met a friend of mine I got it totally into my head he might fancy her (he didn't). I ended up going on about her so much he started to wonder if he should fancy her! We had a good chat, we were not miles apart, I shut up about it, and all ended well.

I'm sorry you won't like my post, probably, and may find it funny, so be it.

Smile

I don't want to be right.

Hope all is well.

Report
ShadowsInTheDarkness · 11/06/2015 10:20

Just checked back to this thread and I see that it's still all kinds of crazy in here Grin
Some very very insecure people projecting on this thread. Maybe I live in a parallel universe. I hug people all the time, and they me. I have male friends who are in relationships, message and say "really need a hug. Have had such a shit day" and no one would bat an eyelid. But we are all quite huggy people. Maybe that's it?

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

meyesmyeyes · 11/06/2015 10:37

I am finding the responses here very comical!

That's good Polly.
Obviously you have nothing to worry about!

Odd that you should go to the bother of starting a thread about something that supposedly doesn't worry you at all but what do I know. Hmm

Report
meyesmyeyes · 11/06/2015 10:39

Italian, You should not say that. You will be accused of being crazy Smile

Report
CatsCantTwerk · 11/06/2015 10:40

You're not there. You won't be there for several months and you're encouraging emotional and physical intimacy between your DF and friend. They meet up for coffee/drinks/dinner etc and you encourage it. You also encourage them to touch each other in a comforting way and you seem to imply he's lonely because he's all alone there.

^This^

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.