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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to give my fiancé a hug?

154 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 09/06/2015 23:03

My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment- we haven't seen each other since the end of March but will be together again permanently in August Smile. He works in a big city abroad where he basically has no close friends, only colleagues. One of my old female friends also lives in the same city. I put them in touch and they met up for a coffee recently and got on well. I was really pleased for my DP because I thought it was nice that he had met a like-minded person at last- I knew they'd get on as they have a lot in common.

Anyway, tonight my DP went to an event also attended by my friend. I knew they were both going and messaged my friend asking her to give DP a hug from me. She did so. DP was pleased, as he has found it difficult only having 'professional' contact for so long. We are both pretty tactile people- I hug my friends and family all the time, and I can't imagine not having a hug for months.

When I told my mum about this, she was horrified. She said that I was 'throwing them together' and 'encouraging them' and lots of other things which really upset me, because the thought of anything going on between my female friend and my DP had never even entered my head. AIBU to think my mum is a loon? Or am I being naive here?

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 09/06/2015 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 10/06/2015 00:01

If I was away & my OH sent one of his friends who happened to be in the vicinity to introduce himself to me as such and then tried to hug me 'because Mr NGJQ told him to', I'd kick him in the nuts! Is hugging people on other people's behalf a thing now?

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 00:04

notgrumpy they had already met on a previous occasion and got on well.

OP posts:
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 10/06/2015 00:17

Hmmm in that case I'd hardly encourage it tbh

sykadelic · 10/06/2015 01:40

You're not there. You won't be there for several months and you're encouraging emotional and physical intimacy between your DF and friend. They meet up for coffee/drinks/dinner etc and you encourage it. You also encourage them to touch each other in a comforting way and you seem to imply he's lonely because he's all alone there.

Perhaps I'm just too much of a jealous person, but I wouldn't encourage an opposite sex friendship if it didn't already exist. Even if it did, constant, one-on-one interactions, including physical intimacy (by way of a hug) wouldn't be okay with me, not to mention the emotional intimacy you've already been encouraging.

Definitely playing with fire in my opinion. BUT only you know how you and your friends/relationships work. I know mine aren't touchy-feely so I definitely wouldn't tell someone else to hug my DH for me.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 10/06/2015 02:12

What sykadelic said.

JeanSeberg · 10/06/2015 02:26

Surely there's other opportunities for him to have a social life, meet new people and fill the loneliness than this one mutual friend? Is this a new place for him? Why is he lonely?

Wishful80smontage · 10/06/2015 04:31

I wouldn't encourage this myself

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/06/2015 06:38

Naive I think. I like hugs, but not from friends generally, only my nearest and dearest. I have one male friend who hugs and it slightly crosses a line for me, I would only ever see him in a group, never alone, for this reason, whereas I have other male friends that I'd meet without thinking twice about it (I'm married and DH knows all these friends).

SoupDragon · 10/06/2015 06:41

Obviously a man and a woman are unable to control themselves if they hug. Hmm

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 07:15

I shared it with my mum because she asked how DP was and I told her the story in an "isn't it nice for him' kind of way. I was very surprised by her response, as I am by some of the responses here- I genuinely thought everyone would agree with me that this is completely normal!

OP posts:
DressMeHeadToFootInTommy · 10/06/2015 07:18

I wouldn't ask somebody to give my relative/partner a hug in ccase they really didn't want to. So, totally different. I see your mum's point though.
If your fiance really can't cope without a hug he'll be using this excuse or a version of it when he has an affair when your new born is 8 weeks old.

I'd worry about that more.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 07:21

Er, thanks dressme but I am pretty confident that DP and I will be hugging each other throughout our relationship, even (especially?) with a newborn!

OP posts:
penisland · 10/06/2015 07:22

I think you're definitely encouraging him to slip her a length. It's probably just what he needs right now.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 07:24

Hmm penisland appropriate name methinks

OP posts:
feezap · 10/06/2015 07:37

WTF is everyone on about?! Polly, its a lovely thing to do, ignore all the cynical suspicious pps (and your mum).

Smile
Whatamuckingfuddle · 10/06/2015 07:42

I think I missed the bit in the OP where she mentioned she booked them a hotel room for this hug Hmm clearly the OP trusts him and her friend and knows them well enough to feel confident they managed to hug without him accidentally slipping it in.
Also we know nothing of the friend, she could be married, an OAP, a lesbian, or even just a good friend who wouldn't boink OPs husband on a second meeting.

Costacoffeeplease · 10/06/2015 07:50

I wouldn't want anyone hugging me on my husband's behalf - it would be weird

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 10/06/2015 07:52

I'm surprised by the responses here and think your mum is a loon! Just because one happens to be male and one female why would that make them a) fancy each other and b) both betray your trust? I lived abroad on my own for a while and was always happy to see a friendly face from home, male or female. Never wanted to shag them though.

googoodolly · 10/06/2015 07:52

This thread is bizarre. What an odd set of responses!

I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with what you said to your friend, nor with her meeting up with your DP. You trust both of them, so what's the problem? Confused

Szeli · 10/06/2015 08:02

Your mum is a loon and the folk on the thread all kinds of paranoid.

I have trust issues and see nothing wrong with this at all, it is nice for him.

If someone is going to cheat this would make no difference to ot whatsoever

RaskolnikovsGarret · 10/06/2015 08:20

OP it's absolutely fine, like you I'm gobsmacked by the responses. Why would passing on a hug encourage an affair? Something very wrong in your relationship if it did! Neither DH nor I would interpret it as anything other than a nice/sweet gesture. YANBU at all.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 10/06/2015 08:20

I am really confused but also quite Grin at the variety of responses on this thread! Nothing like a consensus!

OP posts:
WaferInMyCoffee · 10/06/2015 08:25

I don't think it weird. I don't think it is throwing them together (WTf? Because he has a penis and therefore won't be able to resist the touch of any woman? How utterly disrespectful to your fiancé!!), I actually don't see the issue here at all?!

I completely disagree with your mum, OP. And several posters on here it would seem!!

HootyMcTooty · 10/06/2015 08:26

It's a weird thing to ask of a friend and I'm a huggy person, but I don't think it automatically means they're going to jump into bed together.

If I were with someone who I thought would jump into bed with someone after a friendly hug, i wouldn't stay with them.