To ask my friend to give my fiancé a hug?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment- we haven't seen each other since the end of March but will be together again permanently in August . He works in a big city abroad where he basically has no close friends, only colleagues. One of my old female friends also lives in the same city. I put them in touch and they met up for a coffee recently and got on well. I was really pleased for my DP because I thought it was nice that he had met a like-minded person at last- I knew they'd get on as they have a lot in common.

Anyway, tonight my DP went to an event also attended by my friend. I knew they were both going and messaged my friend asking her to give DP a hug from me. She did so. DP was pleased, as he has found it difficult only having 'professional' contact for so long. We are both pretty tactile people- I hug my friends and family all the time, and I can't imagine not having a hug for months.

When I told my mum about this, she was horrified. She said that I was 'throwing them together' and 'encouraging them' and lots of other things which really upset me, because the thought of anything going on between my female friend and my DP had never even entered my head. AIBU to think my mum is a loon? Or am I being naive here?

[SoupDragon]

Its very sad how little some of you trust your friends and partners.

[katese11]

It's not about the hug. I hug many of my male friends. .. But I don't have one to one alone time with them and any time I have had regular one to one alone time with a straight male friend, it's got to an uncomfortable place (emotionally). So yes, I'm projecting. .. Sue me.

[Gottagetmoving]

SoupDragon There is trust..and then there is naivety.
I trust my DP and I don't think he would want to be unfaithful or go looking for an affair, but I am not stupid enough to think it could never happen depending on some circumstances.
I don't worry about it.
When I hear people say 'My DP would never be unfaithful' I just think they are incredibly naive.

[Stealthpolarbear]

Why did you tell your mum? Sounds like you think this is a big deal.
Apologies if I'm repeating others

[SoupDragon]

I still say that it is sad you can not trust your partners and friends to be able to spend any kid of time together without shagging. That is a lack of trust and I am not naive.

[sweetgrape]

How do all the people who think it's fine think affairs start. Sticking your head under the sand and saying it doesn't happen is very naive. I don't care how uncool it is to say it but, affairs happen all the time.

[chaletdays]

Haven't read the whole thread but I don't see the problem. It's not as if she said 'give him a snog from me'.

If OP really thought a hug could lead to something else then I would be advising her to review her relationship.

[LazyLouLou]

I'm not naïve. I think that affairs start when someone decides they are not fulfilled within a relationship.

I think they start whether or not a friend gives you a hug! I think if my relationship was so fragile a hug could wreck it then it was going to disappear anyway.

I also think that those shouting "OP, how could you be so naïve?" are perilously close to victim blaming. DO you really think that anyone who encourages their partner to have a life gets what they deserve if that partner cheats? That they were the cause of the cheating?

Mmmmm! Sad world some of you live in. I'll repeat myself, I would hate to live with my head full of the thoughts that seem to inhabit some of yours!

[PuppyMonkey]

"Touch each other in a comforting way," this thread just gets better and better.

[Gottagetmoving]

One Hug doesn't lead to shagging ( well not for most people) but repeated meet ups and loneliness and hugging just might,..not always, not guaranteed but anyone who thinks it may not IS naive.

[meyesmyeyes]

I think that affairs start when someone decides they are not fulfilled within a relationship.

Not always true.
A couple can have a very fulfilling reltaionship and still have an affair.

Cheating is very often about opportunity.

[Gottagetmoving]

A long time ago I used to work in a pub in the evenings. Once when talking to a group of regulars ( men) at the bar, they were discussing cheating. Most of these men, who I knew, were happily married and they all agreed they loved their partners and were happy, but they all said if the opportunity arose and there was NO chance of their wife finding out, they would shag another woman.
They said they wouldn't go looking for it but if a woman came onto them, they would go for it.
I told them I found that depressing but they said I was mad if I thought any average bloke would not do this.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I would be really pissed off if my partner worked away and arranged for his male friend to spend time with me and give me hugs. I'm an adult and can make my own friends. I wouldn't appreciate my partner deciding that I needed a hug from a random. I don't need babysitting.

If an OLD friend contacted me to spend time with her partner and give him hugs I'd find it absurd. Can adults really not cope without hugs ?

[LazyLouLou]

Meyesmyeyes... even the nasty shag baron my friend was shacked up with claimed he didn't get everything her wanted / needed from her. I suppose I have based my perceptions on his actions.

And yes, he did, at every opportunity. I may add a corollary to my definition, but still think it starts with a person feeling that they are missing out on something.

Gottage... that group of regulars are not average blokes. They are pub rtas, usually all mouth and no trousers... or serial cheaters.

I don't think DH never would, but I am sure he wouldn't just because opportunity allowed. He works away a lot, UK and abroad. So we have both had the opportunity for most of our married life... 27 years and counting. Neither of us has. So mere opportunity is not the root cause for all!

[Gilrack]

any time I have had regular one to one alone time with a straight male friend, it's got to an uncomfortable place - Blimey! Am I right in thinking your sex appeal is so boundless, so irresistible, so impossible to restrain, that any man who finds himself alone with you abandons common sense & decency in his lust-driven amnesia?

Glad I've never been quite as sexy as you

[Gottagetmoving]

LazyLou They WERE a group of average blokes. They were a mix of professional and working men. They were not in the pub all the time - They came in once or twice a week and only knew each other from the pub. I would say they were a pretty cross-mix of blokes.
None of them were serial cheaters either, most of them said they had never cheated but they all agreed if they were away and it was offered to them - they would not say no but only providing no one could find out,..and they were not going to tell.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I don't think Katie is implying she's anything special. My own experience has been similar and I'm certainly no super model. Nearly all my relationships have been with men that initially were friends. There's nothing wrong with that in itself but i am mindful of it now I'm married and I wouldn't have those sort of friendships with men now. I also wouldn't encourage my husband to either.

[Gilrack]

You and Katie must be special somehow, bad, since I have close, long-term, male friends with whom nothing 'uncomfortable' has ever happened or even slightly nearly happened. I'm pretty sure I'm in plenty of good company. And am not the least attractive woman in the universe, in case you were wondering

[LazyLouLou]

They're the type to be all mouth and no trousers, Gottage. I met their counterparts when I worked in pubs. The ones that spouted all of that either wished they were brave enough or lied, to make themselves a bit of a Barroom Hero. Others, sadly, would have shagged anything that didn't run away. Given the 'all boys together'ness of the pub, what else would they have said?

Men, like women, do tend to take on a Hive Mind when in groups. A tiny bit of bravado can go a very long way!

[badbaldingballerina123]

I don't think anyone has to think themselves pretty special to develop a mutual attraction gilrack.

[findingmyfeet12]

Isn't "give x a hug from me" just a figure of speech?

[Italiangreyhound]

meyesmyeyes maybe I am a little bit crazy but I am also honest. I've lived abroad away from family and established friends it can be lonely.

ShadowsInTheDarkness you said Some very very insecure people projecting on this thread. I don't think I am at all insecure about my husbands ability to love me or to stay faithful. But I am aware that life for all of us is full of temptations, we may well not give in to any of them. But isolated from those we love, save for phone calls or emails, we may feel very vulnerable. I am being honest about what I see as a possible problem.

[Italiangreyhound]

LazyLouLou there is no 'victim' here so no one is victim blaming. There is a situation and the OP is asking for opinions. She wants her finance to have a good time while she is not around and of course we would all want that. Personally, I would not encourage a friendship with a single female friend of mine. Its not about one hug, it is about a relationship that could be build up which could help the other person be OK with the fact he is miles from his finance. It could go either way - be massively supportive and great, lead to something none of them want at the moment (or any one of a myriad of things in-between). Personally, I would not want to risk it!

[swomswomswom]

Keep the level of temptation normal when you are dealing with men who have not had sex for a long time, and do not bring that temptation about, alone and with alcohol present, would be my advice.

Don't worry, they might not be at it like knives quite yet.

[MirandaGoshawk]