Ds friend spends his bday money on them and friends parents want money back

[brownpaperbag2]

This time of year there are lots of summer fares - one for the primary school, one for the secondary school, one for the village, one for the football club, one for the scout group, etc. as a family we spend a lot at the fares we go to, about £60 at each. For this reason I pick the fares we want to support, primary and secondary schools in the main.

Today is the football fare and it is held in the local recreation ground. My ds doesn't play football, but he wanted to go. There is a bouncy castle and he is 8. I said no. He was called on by his friend who asked if he wanted to play and I said yes.

Unknown to me they went to the Park and the friend took his £90 birthday money and between them they spent it in 3 hours. Friends mum wasn't aware her son had taken his birthday money or that the recreation ground had a fare on. They went on the bouncy castle that is like an obstacle course which was 50p a go, a bungee game, and had burgers, tattoos, drinks etc

She just called to ask me for £45!!!!!

Am I being unreasonable to say no?

Jeez, I could easily blitz £90 within half an hour of our local fares - they don't come cheap! DD on the other hand would fritter it away within 15 minutes. £3-5.00 per ride, £5.00 per balloon, no food under £4.50, face painting £5-10.00 depending on the design, temporary tattoos £4.00 a pop, stalls selling friendship bracelets and other tat from £4.00 and up, etc. At our last Christmas fare DD caught sight of and subsequently fell in love with a dream catcher costing £20.00!

OP, your DS ate the food and went on the rides too. I think I would feel obligated to refund the woman, regardless of all the other factors. But I would be making DS 'work' to pay it off.

ninaaa, Fair enough - just point 2) then.

Aah, thanks for clarifying Nina. My understanding was that the OP hadn't allowed her son to go to the fair on his own, but said yes to him going with his friend. Sorry OP! I stand by paying back some of the money though.

I'm confused as to how the ds's friend would be getting to spend his birthday money twice if the op coughs up?

He had £90, he spent £45, op's ds spent £45, he would only be getting back the half that he had spent on the ds, not the half he spent on himself presumably?

I wouldn't pay back anything, it's the other parents fault for leaving £90 lying around where an 8yo can take it.

There's no way your son shoudk be giving half of that money back to his friend, their misdemeanours were completely different. The other child actually took money that he knew he shouldn't and spent it, your ds went to a fair he shouldn't have done, but as far as the money goes, it want his choice to take it, or spend it.

And if you do give them £45, then what? The kid that committed the worst 'crime' gets an extra £45 to spend and your son ends up £45 down? How is that in any way fair?

I still think the friend treated other kids at the fete. Not just OP's ds. That's how £90 was blown in 3 hours.

I've just had a google of some village fairs and I don't think it would be hard to spend £90 Some of them are like mini amusement parks even some of the ones held at small villages.

£90 is a HUGE amount of money for 2 boys to spend in a village fair even with expensive rides. Have you asked your son what they did ie how many burgers did they eat how many rides etc. this might give you an idea of how much they actually spent- It is possible the other boy might have dropped a £20. Also ask your ds if the boy offered to pay for him or if he said he would pay him back.
Nevertheless less both boys did wrong - your ds should not have gone after you said no and the other boy shouldn't have taken his money without telling/asking his parents. You /ds should pay them back not sure if you should pay the £45 - I would decide when I had heard ds side of it.

'The whole problem here is that they are 8, they can't decide what to do'

Of course they can! As expat points out it might not be a 'rational' solution, but it doesn't matter in this situation. The parents have been punished. The £90 birthday money is an issue for the boys to sort out themselves. They'll learn the consequences of their actions better if left to sort it out between them imo.

Keith - in the sense that the other boy was treating his mate so presumably they would both have fun.

I wouldn't treat a friend to dinner or a movie and then ask for the cash, I see this as being similar.

You should be having a word with your ds about taking advantage of his friends.

If I were the other mother I'd be pissed off that the solution offered is to have another 8 year old under my feet, 'doing jobs'.

The parents have been punished. The £90 birthday money is an issue for the boys to sort out themselves. They'll learn the consequences of their actions better if left to sort it out between them imo.

It doesn't sound like the boys had an issue tbh. It sounds like they had a good time, and it is the parents who have an issue because they wanted their DS to spend the money on something nice for himself, not fritter it away at the fair with a friend! The consequence for the other boy is that his birthday money is gone. OP's DS didn't really have a consequence, but should certainly be punished for going to the fair without permission.

In your shoes my DS would be getting a rollicking and sanctions for going to the Fayre without permission. Then I would question him further as to what they spent the money on. From that I would estimate what is a reasonable amount and what is excessive and tell DS that he is expected to pay back the excessive amount. I would pay that back from my own money and transfer the 'debt' to be between yourselves and your son.

Ask your DS how he is going to pay it back and decide upon a plan, which would then be stuck somewhere prominent in the kitchen.
And I would explain (read 'tell'!) the other parents how you've decided to deal with the situation for your son.

And then draw a line under the matter.

I did this when I was little except I was the one with the money! My friend was skint and I really wanted to go to the fair and spent £40 in an hour. I regretted it afterwards but knew I only had myself to blame. I was 10. The other mum is being ridiculous!!

Sorry OP but I think you should pay it back then get your son to do chores to pay you back the £45.

I'm surprised at the posters who think the other boy is completely to blame and should suffer all the consequences. Your son spent half the money and he should take half the responsibility, no matter what the other boy said to him. He lied to you too- that's the most worrying bit. These sort of lies can end in serous consequences for an 8 year old and he needs to learn a harsh life lesson, but I suspect this is not one he'll forget.

Not an easy situation, good luck.

I definitely wouldn't hand over any money without knowing exactly what it was spent on. And even then I think the £20 would be enough. This is an expensive lesson for those parents who should've known leaving a child with access to £90 would end in disaster.

Definitely worth getting an idea from your son about what might have been spent (all sorts of questions about whether all of it was spent and whether half was spent on your son - perhaps there is some left/some was lost/some spent previously/spent on others etc etc). Then it's up to you what you do in terms of offering to pay money back. After all, your son didn't take the money, he merely accepted his friend's generosity. I wouldn't expect 8 year olds to know the value of money and be aware of the implications of their spending.

I wonder what instructions the friend's parents gave him about going to the fare and even though they didn't know he'd taken the money, whether they gave any direction generally about the spending of the birthday money.

I wonder if anybody fronting the stalls thought it was odd that two 8 year old boys had so much money to spend.

I agree with awomb that disobeying instructions not to go to the fare is a separate matter to address.

I would be absolutely furious if either of my two kids had done this. I would absolutely pay the other parent back and my kids would be indoors/the garden for many weeks doing chores.

It's not just the other boy who needs to learn as lesson, the OP's DS does too. He deliberately defied his mother by going to the fayre and allowed his friend to treat him whilst he was there. He needs to learn there is no such thing as a free lunch.

I'm absolutely bloody gobsmacked that people allow 8 yos to go off for 3 hours without having a fecking clue where they are.

But slithy, we are adults.

I don't think the kid whose money it was committed the worst crime tbh - he went to the fayre, which he was allowed to do, and then spent his own birthday money, on himself and op's son. Which was actually very sweet of him, but realistically how much concept has the average 8 year old of how much £90 is worth?

Why on earth should the op's son be entitled to spend half his friends birthday money, at a fayre he'd been specifically told he wasn't allowed to go to, with no consquences?

I really don't see the big deal here.

Replace fayre with theme park, and would anyone have an issue with a child spending his birthday money on him and his friend? Food, entry, souvenirs, more food?

I wouldn't.
I'd say the only issue here is the disobedience on behalf of op son.

The parents of the other boy need to control his money better. And 8 years old or not, it was his money theoretically to spend on what he wanted.

I don't think it's fair to say the OP's son was 'taking advantage' of his friend. We spend so much time telling kids to share and be kind/generous, I don't think an 8 year old is going to know the difference between what is 'normal' sharing/kindness and what is 'taking advantage'. If the friend has £2 and had given the OP's son a £1 for a couple of goes on the bouncy castles we would be thinking how generous the little boy is, not that the OP's son had taken advantage. They quite clearly don't understand the value of money so £2 or £90 is probably not that much different to them. People are expecting an 8 year old to have an adult's understanding of 'taking advantage'.

can an 8 yo take advantage of a friend? my ds is a very young 6 yo and i think at 8 if a friend said hed pay for stuff he wouldnt have any idea that it wasnt the done thing.

imo all ops ds is guilty of is disobeying the op. its up to the other parents to deal with their kid.

YANBU, the message this woman is sending her so is that you can lie, take things without asking, and when you regret what you've done you can offload the consequences. Getting £45 would tell him that bad behaviour is rewarded.

No wonder her son behaves like little shit.

Both of my boys have spent large amounts of money on friends at various times, and I would never have dreamt of asking for the money back from their parents. I have spoken to them about the wisdom of this (stressing that once money has gone, it's gone and you can't spend it again) but ultimately I think it's a nice, generous thing to do; and if a child chooses to spend his birthday money on someone else, who's to say that's the wrong decision?

OP - in your shoes I think I would probably say to the mother that you don't have it in your budget to just give her £45 today, but that the next time there is a fair on, you will take her son with you and treat him in the same way that he treated your son today.