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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds friend spends his bday money on them and friends parents want money back

333 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 06/06/2015 13:12

This time of year there are lots of summer fares - one for the primary school, one for the secondary school, one for the village, one for the football club, one for the scout group, etc. as a family we spend a lot at the fares we go to, about £60 at each. For this reason I pick the fares we want to support, primary and secondary schools in the main.

Today is the football fare and it is held in the local recreation ground. My ds doesn't play football, but he wanted to go. There is a bouncy castle and he is 8. I said no. He was called on by his friend who asked if he wanted to play and I said yes.

Unknown to me they went to the Park and the friend took his £90 birthday money and between them they spent it in 3 hours. Friends mum wasn't aware her son had taken his birthday money or that the recreation ground had a fare on. They went on the bouncy castle that is like an obstacle course which was 50p a go, a bungee game, and had burgers, tattoos, drinks etc

She just called to ask me for £45!!!!!

Am I being unreasonable to say no?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 06/06/2015 14:01

'They have shown they are not capable of making sensible decisions. '

Yep, because they are eight. MN is full of children with adult capabilities, inherently sensible, all living in 'quiet cul-de-sac's, completely pedestrianised, populated by Mary Poppins and Captain Von Trapp.

ahbollocks · 06/06/2015 14:01

I know I shoukdnt say but it sounds like an absolute dream of a day out for 2 little boys
You should give half back though sorry OP

awombwithaview · 06/06/2015 14:02

I think the other kid needs to learn a harsh lesson here and I wouldn't give the parents any money - if it was his birthday money then he has spent it....the end. Yes he frittered it, but would they be as pissed off if he'd gone into a shop and spent half of it on them? He should not have been able to lay hands on it but he did and that's that. Would his parents give him that money if you handed it over...where is the lesson in that for him?

You said your son shouldn't go to the fayre and he disobeyed you which is a separate issue he needs to have consequences for but they don't need to be monetary. I'd say no tv / grounding / jobs round the house.

I'm equally surprised as others as them being off for that long when they're only 8....not sensible, village or not.

WhatIActuallySaid · 06/06/2015 14:02

If the friend told your son it was his birthday treat then it seems a bit unfair to make him pay it back. I've given my older kids a wad of cash in lieu of a party so they can go to town and treat their pals to a movie and some food. Obviously they were older though.
I guess it's also possible that the friend made it clear the money was to be paid back. Even normally sensible 8 years olds can occasionally do something really stupid and out of character.

If your son was led to believe it was the same type of thing then he shouldn't pay anything back.
I'd interrogate him and then work out what to do.

If you normally 'splash the cash' at fairs then your son might not have clocked that their was a problem.

Depending on the outcome I'd probably offer £20 or a little more.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2015 14:03

'I'd let your DS decide what to do. It's between him and his friend. '

They are eight. They are incapable of being very rational.

sunbathe · 06/06/2015 14:03

Did he really spend £90?!

What if the boy's lying? He could have lost some or spent it on something else beforehand or be keeping it from his mum because he wants to spend it later...

Op's soon could be the fall guy here.

sunbathe · 06/06/2015 14:04

SON, even.

WhatIActuallySaid · 06/06/2015 14:05

BTW This is an interesting AIBU

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 06/06/2015 14:06

'I'd let your DS decide what to do. It's between him and his friend

They're 8! The whole problem here is that they are 8, they can't decide what to do, they've shown that by going places they shouldn't have gone, spending money that either they shouldn't have had or wasn't theirs to spend, and being EIGHT.
Of course its the parents who are at fault here. Eight year olds who are able to do all of the above without anyone knowing about it are ridiculously unsupervised.

DirectorOfBetter · 06/06/2015 14:07

I'd be having a calm chat with my DS and totting up what his half of the 'spend' is. £90 is way more than 2 eight year olds could spend, even at those prices - surely?

I'd be making my DS repay his spend to the boy because he shouldn't have been allowing the boy to use his money to pay for my DS's treats - though I'd try to find out exactly what the boys had said about this.

Then he'd have a big telling off and a grounding for going somewhere I'd told him he wasn't to go.

As for the £45 straight split - forget that. I can't see how it could have been spent. And it's the boy's money, not the mum's in any case.

ninaaa · 06/06/2015 14:07

Both boys were sneaky and went behind your backs. Your ds went to the fare after having specifically been told not to. His friend spent money which, whilst it did belong to him, I think he knew that his mother would not approve of him spending so much in that way.

£90 is a massive amount of money. Even if they each had a burger, got their faces painted and 3 goes on the bouncy castle each, that would still only come to £20 (£10 of which would have been spent on your DS). You need to find out exactly what Ds's friend bought him before you hand over any money.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/06/2015 14:07

Yep, eight year olds aren't known for making the best decisions generally

FishWithABicycle · 06/06/2015 14:07

I don't think the OP should be out of pocket for this. She didn't agree to this or budget for it.

Either there should be no repayment at all, and the birthday boy learns that you can blow all your cash but then you don't have any cash.

OR both boys should be made to earn £90 back through odd jobs etc.

slithytove · 06/06/2015 14:08

I wouldn't. What sort of lesson is it to the other boy that if he spends money on something his mum disapproves of, he gets half of it back to slend again.

Far better that when he wants Lego or whatever, his mum can tell him "no, you spent all your money at the fayre".

And yes, £90 is a huge amount of money, but why did he have access to it? And good on hi, for sharing with his friend and I hope they had a great time.

Bet no one would bat an eyelid if they had gone to a theme park or Harry potter studios or something. (Bar the unsupervised part!)

DocHollywood · 06/06/2015 14:09

Did they sneak out of the friend's house or did the parent know where they were going? If so, logic dictates that a parent would ask if they had any money. If friend said, I've got my birthday money then the parent let them go knowingly! All her fault:D

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/06/2015 14:10

Sorry OP but I wouldn't dream of 1) letting my child go to a fair and not giving him money if he were allowed to go and 2) in these circumstances, not paying back every penny spent on my son.

It just wouldn't feel right. Friend needs to learn about 'buying friends' from his own parents and my son would be learning from me that he's to pay for himself when with his friends. Son would be paying me back for his lovely day at the fair.

Cabawill · 06/06/2015 14:10

I'd seriously question whether the whole £90 was spent between just the two of them.

It's the boys birthday money this is how he chose to spend it and I'm sure he had a grand old time.

Being the pushover I am, if probably offer to give them £20 and make my DS do chores to earn it back or take it out of birthday money. I don't necessarilly think you owe them a penny though.

Floggingmolly · 06/06/2015 14:11

I imagine Fleecy was making the point that living in a cosy little village isn't quite the same as living in a castle with a moat around it, Worra.
People travel. Villages have people passing through.
There isn't anywhere that is categorically safe for an 8 year old to roam unsupervised for hours at a time. In fact, a big city teeming with people could possibly be safer.

Why so sarky??

SoupDragon · 06/06/2015 14:12

I would make my DS earn back the money as he really needs to learn money generally doesn't appear from nowhere and that you don't get something for nothing.

rookiemere · 06/06/2015 14:12

The other parents are the most to blame here - who on earth lets their 8 yr old out for 3 hrs with £90 in his pocket.

The boys are 8 and whilst your DS disobeyed your orders as atravelling said - he perhaps thought going with his pal was different than going with you. I can easily see how the other boy said oh I'll treat you and off they went.

The price of things at fetes and fairs these day annoy me - people get obsessed with how much they can raise, but forget they are also meant to be enjoyable days out for everyone. I was helping at one this morning and DS was a captive audience because he was with me as DH away. £5 they charged for children's games! We ended up spending about £50 all told, but it's for Marie Curie so it's a very worthwhile.

I'd sit down with your DS and work out exactly where the £45 per child went. It does seem like a lot of money - I try to get DS to understand by explaining how much I earn per hour, so this could be a valuable lesson in the value of money.

I think your idea of paying back in dribs and drabs is inspired. Hopefully the parents will get fed up of this, and realise they are being a bit ridiculous before you reach the final amount. If not you can get your DS to put together a tally sheet and go over every now and again with £1 in 20p coins.

Dieu · 06/06/2015 14:13

I personally wouldn't have let my child go to the fair with no money; what did you think he was going to do there? I'd have given a token amount or kept at home. And as you live in a small village, you'd better believe that I'd give the mother a contribution to the spending spree! Probably £30 or so. It's just not worth falling out over, especially if you're going to be seeing a lot of that person.

CrispyFern · 06/06/2015 14:14

I'd give the £20 he has. I wouldn't give £45.

ninaaa · 06/06/2015 14:15

Sorry OP but I wouldn't dream of 1) letting my child go to a fair and not giving him money if he were allowed to go and 2) in these circumstances, not paying back every penny spent on my son.

I personally wouldn't have let my child go to the fair with no money; what did you think he was going to do there?

OP didn't let him go. He went behind her back after she specifically told him no. She said yes to allowing him to play with his friend.

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2015 14:16

Floggingmolly she basically said that no matter where a child lives, they should never be allowed out to play without an adult...well that's how I understood it anyway.

I think that attitude is bizarre.

slithytove · 06/06/2015 14:16

Can people not read? Op didn't let her son go to the fayre, just out to play with a friend. It's one of her issues with her son.

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