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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds friend spends his bday money on them and friends parents want money back

333 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 06/06/2015 13:12

This time of year there are lots of summer fares - one for the primary school, one for the secondary school, one for the village, one for the football club, one for the scout group, etc. as a family we spend a lot at the fares we go to, about £60 at each. For this reason I pick the fares we want to support, primary and secondary schools in the main.

Today is the football fare and it is held in the local recreation ground. My ds doesn't play football, but he wanted to go. There is a bouncy castle and he is 8. I said no. He was called on by his friend who asked if he wanted to play and I said yes.

Unknown to me they went to the Park and the friend took his £90 birthday money and between them they spent it in 3 hours. Friends mum wasn't aware her son had taken his birthday money or that the recreation ground had a fare on. They went on the bouncy castle that is like an obstacle course which was 50p a go, a bungee game, and had burgers, tattoos, drinks etc

She just called to ask me for £45!!!!!

Am I being unreasonable to say no?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 06/06/2015 13:36

I am going to say to my sons friends parents, who are not my friends, we just say hello at the play ground kind of thing. That my son doesn't have that money. He has £20 from his grand pa, which they can have straight off, but the rest he has to earn through chores.

I will make him work and as he earns each £5 he can give it to he parents. They can also make him work for it too.

Seriously? Your son "doesn't have that money." So they don't get it? How about YOU give them the money and get your son to do chores for you as
recompense?

And am gobsmacked at the idea that you expect them to think up and supervise jobs for him to do, and put up with the shit job an 8 year old will make of whatever it is, in lieu of money that you owe them?

Finola1step · 06/06/2015 13:37

X post. So your ds wasn't supposed to go but went anyway? Damn right he needs to pay some of that money back.

But can I ask you a question? You said no to the fair but he went anyway. He was there for 3 hours. Where did you think he was? Because if he lied to you about his whereabouts, that in my book is far more serious than spending his friends money.

I can understand that you live in a village where kids play out by themselves without adult supervision, which is great. But there is more to this than two 8 year olds being silly.

Mutt · 06/06/2015 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 06/06/2015 13:38

I'd call bullshit on £90 op...

Your son was in the wrong for going to the fair when you said no. he should have known at that age to say 'my mum said I'm not allowed to go' But thats all he did wrong.

I bet his friend really wanted to go and was maybe showing off a bit.

I wouldn't humour this mother..

countrybump · 06/06/2015 13:39

Oh I do feel for you OP. I live in a small village and also have an 8 year old DS. I know he wouldn't realise the value of the money, wouldn't think about it at the time but would then feel awful once it was explained to him.

That said, there is no way he would be out at a fare with £90 in his pocket without my knowledge. The fact that the other child had £90 with them is the other mums responsibility.

I'd be mad at my son for going to the fayre without telling me. I wouldn't let him be away unaccompanied for 3 hours (we set a time when he needs to come back to 'check in' and have a strict area that he is allowed to Rome in) but I wouldn't concern myself with the money - that's for the other parent to sort out.

WickedWax · 06/06/2015 13:39

8 years old, disappearing for three hours Shock

my 11 year old isn't allowed out for three hours without 'checking in' regularly.

Yes I think you should pay back the money.

Floggingmolly · 06/06/2015 13:42

I wouldn't dream of asking for a reimbursement in the mum's shoes; but in yours I think I'd cough up.
Think of it as the cost of not knowing where your 8 year old was for 3 hours, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with.
And know that the cost could have been so much higher.

CatthiefKeith · 06/06/2015 13:42

Its a hard lesson to learn, but I think I would use the opportunity to teach my child that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

There are plenty of threads on here, regularly, about friends who don't stand their round/put in for the tip/are otherwise entitled. Is that the message you want to give your son? That that sort of behaviour is ok?

jollydad · 06/06/2015 13:43

Pay a third back. The responsibility lies with three parties. The friends parents for not putting the money in a safe place, the friend for taking it out and spending it and the OP's son for allowing it to be spent on him.
Actually, writing it down like that I think the OP's son is probably the least responsible for the loss of all 3 and a third is quite generous.

BabyMurloc · 06/06/2015 13:44

Both boys are at fault here tbh. Her DS has taken the money he likely knows he shouldn't and blown it on "an amazing time" Your DS has ignored your "no" and gone to the fare anyway.

Putting aside stuff like letting the kids wander unsupervised for so long at 8 etc BOTH boys spent money they shouldn't and BOTH boys ignored parents. I think personally that BOTH of them need to be doing chores to earn some money (amount up to you to decide) each which is then put into your friends DS BANK ACCOUNT (as it should have been in the first place but again that's a diff issue.)

That's what I think I would do.

itsmeitscathy · 06/06/2015 13:44

It isn't the parents money to get back - it's their sons. surely his punishment is that he spent his birthday money on crap?!

MokunMokun · 06/06/2015 13:44

I bet they had a brilliant time Grin

I'm shocked the other mum asked you for half the money. She should have kept a better eye on it.

Viviennemary · 06/06/2015 13:47

I think you must take some responsiblity for your son's behaviour. I think two eight year olds would know that frittering away this huge sum without parents consent was wrong. Should you pay back £45. Yes. But I'd be furious at the whole situation. He shouldn't have had the access to the money. And should have known better not to take it from the house. But your DS should not have accepted that huge amount of money (for a child that is) from his friend.

LIZS · 06/06/2015 13:47

Did they really spend it all ? Shock 2 8yo at a fair alone sounds a big risk to me regardless. Did his parents know where they were going ? Not sure about the paying it back, maybe ask your ds what they actually spent it on and contribute accordingly if you can, but he knew he shouldn't even have been there anyway so I think you should focus more on that. Perhaps no more fairs for him for a while.

Walnutpie · 06/06/2015 13:48

My son has form for taking money and treating his mates. I never mentioned it outside the family.

At home, I talked to my son about it.

I figured his friends were the fortunate beneficiaries.

GahBuggerit · 06/06/2015 13:50

no way, id pay mjaybe the 20 quid as thats prob whhat id spend on my ds at these things and make ds work it back FOR ME as punishment for disobedience but its the others mums problem regarding the £90 im afraid.

Fleecyleesy · 06/06/2015 13:50

Words fail me. There is no way these kids should be allowed out unsupervised like this. They have shown they are not capable of making sensible decisions. In your position, I'd pay over the £45 and be grateful that the casualty was money and worse did not happen.

I honestly cannot fathom why people let kids out alone like this. You told your ds he couldn't go to the fair. He defied you by going with his friend. He's too little to be trusted.

Children should learn from their parents, mumsnet is crazily obsessed with them going out alone. I don't care where you live. I presume there are roads and the place is public so any person can go there?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/06/2015 13:53

No way would I pay back a penny! She shouldn't let her ds have access to £90 and her ds needs to learn the value of money.

FATEdestiny · 06/06/2015 13:54

Who is getting the £45?

It's the boy's money, birthday money. Not the parents money. The parents have no right to this money. It is not their money.

Is the boy getting the £45 back to put in his bank? That seems unfair. He has chosen to spend his birthday money on a fare with his friend. It is teaching him no lessons if he then gets half his birthday money back to spend all over again.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/06/2015 13:54

I could easily spend 90 at one of our local fairs, the rides cost £3 or £4 , ice creams are £3 etc.

I bet they had a great time though Wink

CatherineOfAbdomen · 06/06/2015 13:54

The issue with paying £45 back, is that Birthday boy gets to spend his birthday money twice, it's not like the parents have lost anything. He needs to realise his error.

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2015 13:55

I don't care where you live. I presume there are roads and the place is public so any person can go there?

No, I have the Police clear the streets before my precious kids enter them. I'd hate to think any old member of the public could gaze upon them.

ollieplimsoles · 06/06/2015 13:55

Thats what I think DameDiazepam,

I would ground my son because he can't be trusted to obey when while out with a friend. And this other kid's punishment is no birthday money. He wasted it on crap.

ATravellingCircusCame · 06/06/2015 13:57

I'd let your DS decide what to do. It's between him and his friend. He knows how much was spent really and how much of it was spent on him. Whether there were other kids there as well. Whether the other boy spent a big lump sum on himself etc. Let him decide whether to pay his friend back or not and let him deal with the consequences.

I'm not entirely clear on whether he was allowed to go to the recreation ground or not? He asked if he could go and you said no, but then he asked if he could go and play and you said yes. He went to play at the recreation ground. It reads to me like the 'no' was in response to him wanting to go with you/as a family/on your dime. Once he had permission to go out with his friend was the ban on the recreation ground still in place? If he definitely knew he wasn't allowed to go, then he would be 'grounded' for the foreseeable future. If not, then I don't think he has really done anything wrong, other than being a silly 8 year old (which is fine, given that he is 8!).

exWifebeginsat40 · 06/06/2015 13:59

where were all the adults in this? my guess is the pub. BBQ, cheap drinks, oh the kids are off somewhere they'll be FINE.

they won't always be. kids don't like that much freedom. they need security not free reign.