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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds friend spends his bday money on them and friends parents want money back

333 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 06/06/2015 13:12

This time of year there are lots of summer fares - one for the primary school, one for the secondary school, one for the village, one for the football club, one for the scout group, etc. as a family we spend a lot at the fares we go to, about £60 at each. For this reason I pick the fares we want to support, primary and secondary schools in the main.

Today is the football fare and it is held in the local recreation ground. My ds doesn't play football, but he wanted to go. There is a bouncy castle and he is 8. I said no. He was called on by his friend who asked if he wanted to play and I said yes.

Unknown to me they went to the Park and the friend took his £90 birthday money and between them they spent it in 3 hours. Friends mum wasn't aware her son had taken his birthday money or that the recreation ground had a fare on. They went on the bouncy castle that is like an obstacle course which was 50p a go, a bungee game, and had burgers, tattoos, drinks etc

She just called to ask me for £45!!!!!

Am I being unreasonable to say no?

OP posts:
fascicle · 07/06/2015 10:28

I think knowing the details of what happened would make a big difference to any appropriate remedial action. If the other boy was not given any guidance on how his birthday money should be spent, then technically he may have done nothing wrong in choosing to spend all of his money (if that's what he did).

Personally I think spending money on experiences is no less valuable than spending it on tangible items that an 8 year old might lose interest in.

The adults involved might be shocked and disappointed by the incident, but that's very much an adult perspective. It would be interesting to know how the son's friend feels now about spending all of his birthday money.

fiveacres · 07/06/2015 10:29

I've also never been to a village fete like that but the op has :)

MamaLazarou · 07/06/2015 10:35

I can understand how £90 could easily be frittered away at a funfair but this was a village fete.

MamaLazarou · 07/06/2015 10:36

The OP mentioned 'a bouncy castle', not waltzers, etc, at £5 a go.

fiveacres · 07/06/2015 10:36

But the OP has said it was around £5 for a burger - so if we assume the £5 mark for most things, games, small rides and so on it is easily done.

fiveacres · 07/06/2015 10:36

Ok but it doesn't matter what it is! They were just for instances. Let's say for arguments sake there were no rides at all, just games and food. It's still doable.

chickenfuckingpox · 07/06/2015 10:38

im pretty sure they would have had change and the parent is just trying it on

CheesyDibbles · 07/06/2015 10:39

I really think that the money isn't the issue at all here. If I found out that my child had been at a fair, by himself, for three hours I would have a heart attack. They are 8 years old! The fact that they went and spent a ridiculous amount of money is just evidence of the fact that they are clearly not ready to be left alone.

You should be asking yourselves how did we let this happen in the first place?

MamaLazarou · 07/06/2015 10:39

No, games were around 50p a go.

TorresTourist · 07/06/2015 10:40

Did you know that he was going with his friend to the football fayre? If you knew and didn't give him any money to spend YABU but if you were under the impression that they were playing out and not going to the football fayre then YANBU. If my DC did that and spent £90 of their birthday money then I'd be having words with them about not doing that again; an 8 year shouldn't have access to £90 to take to a fayre. I wouldn't expect the other child to pay back the money and I'd expect my own DC to learn a lesson from it.

Treaclepot · 07/06/2015 10:50

I would love to be able to send my son out for three hours at a time. Best memories of my life. And to those that have posted about the truely horrific deaths of a handful of young children thankfully these are few and far between.

Life is full of risks, you can eliminate some of them, teach them to understand risk, make mistakes (like the ops DS has), this is how you learn: not by consently being with adults making choices and sorting things out for you.

The main risk to young children currently is obesity, a life filled with ill health, hospital procedures, risk of early death, reduced quality of life and self esteem issues. Running around for three hours (though probably not at a funfair eating shite) is a good antidote.

EastMidsMummy · 07/06/2015 11:05

I could easily spend 90 at one of our local fairs, the rides cost £3 or £4 , ice creams are £3 etc

I must be the meanest mother alive. We have the Nottingham Goose Fair near us - a huge annual travelling fair with hundreds of rides and stalls. Three kids. Never spent as much as fifty quid there between them all. Two or three rides each. Maybe something to eat. £12-15 a head, and that seems overpriced.

£90 at a village fete? I'd freak out!

whatever22 · 07/06/2015 11:10

I wouldn't give the money. Their child is responsible, not you or your child. I'd talk to my child about what he did wrong, I'd talk about how he shouldn't have taken advantage of his friend, and I'd be getting him to pay the friend back (over time if need be).

Its not the parents money so they don't need reimbursing.

I'd also be teaching my kid the spelling of the word 'fair' which seems beyond many of the posters...

CheesyDibbles · 07/06/2015 11:12

Treaclepot in my town within the last year, we have had a man outside a local primary school trying to persuade an 11 year old boy to get in his van. We have had a man exposing himself to kids at our local playground and a teenage girl sexually assaulted walking down a quiet residential street at 5 in the afternoon. These are all separate, unrelated incidents.

Do you really think that these 8 year olds were capable of behaving safely and responsibly?

fascicle · 07/06/2015 11:24

whatever22
I'd also be teaching my kid the spelling of the word 'fair' which seems beyond many of the posters...

While you're at it, don't forget the difference between its and it's Wink

tictactoad · 07/06/2015 11:36

Do village fairs really charge £4 or £5 a ride? If they do I can't imagine they get many customers Confused Surely they're more on a par with school fairs where most things are 50p or a quid tops?

Anyways. To put it in context £90 would go a very long way towards a day out for four at a theme park.

TheFairyCaravan · 07/06/2015 11:43

I'd also be teaching my kid the spelling of the word 'fair' which seems beyond many of the posters...

If we're going to be pedantic, I think the op was meaning a Summer fayreWink

rookiemere · 07/06/2015 11:49

I can see how they spent the money. Between us DS and I spent nearly £50 helping out at the Marie Curie fair yesterday and that's with me saying no to quite a few things. We didn't have burgers or anything like that, just spent quite a lot on the pick the number stand I was running.

I like the point someone made earlier though about them having a good time. £90 doesn't go a long way at a theme park, it would probably just about cover entry cost if you're lucky, never mind food or mandatory tat purchases. Thinking about it, whilst they should never have had access to that much money, in many ways it's better that it went to a local good cause than in the greedy deep pockets of theme park owners.

Also on two 8 yr olds being out for 3 hrs - well DS age 9 often plays next door with his pal ( although not as often as they come to ours, we seem to be some sort of mecca for local children). If he went over at say 2pm, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't reappear until 5.30 -6 pm for tea. I would however expect him to let me know if they were going anywhere.

I stand corrected on the use of the word fayre and I thought I was fairly good at this spelling malarkey Blush : www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/9390015/Oliver-Pritchett-Its-fair-not-fayre.html

Theimpossiblegirl · 07/06/2015 12:10

I think the real issue is the fact that the OP's DS deliberately disobeyed her and went to the fair/fayre.

If this was my child I would be making him pay the money back and apologising to the other mum. They obviously both enjoyed spending the money and it could have been earmarked for something that the other boy's parents could not afford without the birthday money. Then I would be grounding him.

UmmErrWhateves · 07/06/2015 14:10

I think the real issue is...

.... where is the OP? Sad,

gunnsgirl · 07/06/2015 14:23

No way should she be asking for money back. It's not her birthday money to ask for. It's her son's and he spent it how he wanted to. She should have extra vigilant as to where it was kept in the house if she didn't want him to access to it.

Deal with your son's misdeameanours in your own way. She can treat her son by what method she seems fit but no way should she ask for money.

steppemum · 07/06/2015 14:36

There is a massive difference between a commercial fete and a village fete.

As I posted up thread there is a lovely village duck race near us. All the rides are commercial, but whole event has a village feel, and it includes the WI stall etc.

The rides are £2 each. There are no 50p rides.

Not remotely like the school fete at all. The organisers don't hire in the bouncy castle etc, they are invited in as a commercial exercise.

Of course we didn't spend £90 at the fair, but that was because we took a picnic, let the dcs have 2 goes each and watched the duck race. If we had stayed for 3 hours and let them just go on everything for that amount of time we could have easily spent the money.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/06/2015 14:40

whatever22... Do you feel better now for your pointless pedantry? Who do you think you are, exactly?

I mis-type frequently, use 'their' when I know full well it's 'they're' because my fingers have run away. I've never been picked up on it. I imagine this is possibly because most posters have a bit of class, can read around a mis-type, will good-naturedly rib somebody about a hilarious one - and it will be taken in good humour by the mis-typer.

I don't know what you are, exactly, but you have no class.

HidingFromFred · 07/06/2015 14:51

OP, please come back.

I wouldn't hand any money over before you get a breakdown of exactly what was spent.
And even then I'm torn..

BigChocFrenzy · 07/06/2015 15:25

When I give birthday money to a child, it is a gift to them, not their parents.
The child can choose to spend it on a day out, a special toy, or save some for later. I've never known a parent decide for them.
I always chose when I was a nipper.

Is that usual Confused ? Or do donors normally say it should be spent on something specific ?

Otherwise, imo, unless it went on crack cocaine, it's not for the other mum to say her son misspent it; that money belonged to him, not her.

I'd be chuffed to hear the lad used my money for a great day out with his chum.
It's a shame that he'll remember his birthday more for his mum going ballistic.

The OP's son needs to be grounded for a couple of weeks for disobedience, though.