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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds friend spends his bday money on them and friends parents want money back

333 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 06/06/2015 13:12

This time of year there are lots of summer fares - one for the primary school, one for the secondary school, one for the village, one for the football club, one for the scout group, etc. as a family we spend a lot at the fares we go to, about £60 at each. For this reason I pick the fares we want to support, primary and secondary schools in the main.

Today is the football fare and it is held in the local recreation ground. My ds doesn't play football, but he wanted to go. There is a bouncy castle and he is 8. I said no. He was called on by his friend who asked if he wanted to play and I said yes.

Unknown to me they went to the Park and the friend took his £90 birthday money and between them they spent it in 3 hours. Friends mum wasn't aware her son had taken his birthday money or that the recreation ground had a fare on. They went on the bouncy castle that is like an obstacle course which was 50p a go, a bungee game, and had burgers, tattoos, drinks etc

She just called to ask me for £45!!!!!

Am I being unreasonable to say no?

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 06/06/2015 21:55

The point of this story has obviously been totally lost on me. (soz)

All I can think is, what a glorious memory it could be for that little boy in future years - the day he blew £90 on himself and his little pal at the fun fare at the age of 8, doing exactly what they wanted to do - eating burgers and going on bouncy castles. Grin Grin

I hope they had a splendid afternoon. Wouldn't everyone like a memory like that??

but of course they must be sternly chastised Blush

KenAdams · 06/06/2015 21:58

Anyone else think they only spent £45 and the other boys mum is trying to pull a fast one?

CheesyDibbles · 06/06/2015 21:59

Sorry, but I find it really weird that they were both at a fair, by themselves, aged 8. And they were there for long enough to off load £90? It obviously happened because there was no responsible adult with them. I would say that you and the other parents share the responsibility on this. You should both share the cost and next time make sure they are accompanied by an adult.

ghostspirit · 06/06/2015 21:59

my son is 8 he does not really understand money. he had 30 pound saved and i took it away for punishment he would get it back when he corrected what he had done wrong... he was not even bothered.

if a friend said do you want a burger/ice cream a go on the bouncy castle money/cost would not enter his head...

There is no way i would let my 8 year old on his own.

ninaaa · 06/06/2015 22:00

but of course they must be sternly chastised Blush

Well the OP's DS who disobeyed his mum, should be punished. She told him he wasn't allowed to go, he went anyway. As for the other boy, not so much a punishment as a consequence, he has spent all his birthday money, so he can't buy anything else nice with it. If he later regrets this when he next wants something and can't afford it, that's his lesson learned.

ninaaa · 06/06/2015 22:01

Anyone else think they only spent £45 and the other boys mum is trying to pull a fast one?

Yes. I can see how you could easily spend about £20 per head at the fair.

But £45 each? [hmmm]

purdiepie · 06/06/2015 22:07

It's easy to spend 90 quid at a fair: 2 grams of coke off the fella who runs the Waltzer, innit.

Weebirdie · 06/06/2015 22:08

It sounds like the boys went off on an adventure and to be frank I'd rather a child showed some spirit than not show any. So I'm with Pumpkin

The point of this story has obviously been totally lost on me. (soz)

*All I can think is, what a glorious memory it could be for that little boy in future years - the day he blew £90 on himself and his little pal at the fun fare at the age of 8, doing exactly what they wanted to do - eating burgers and going on bouncy castles. grin grin

I hope they had a splendid afternoon. Wouldn't everyone like a memory like that??*

mrloverlover · 06/06/2015 22:09

Your 8 year old went off without adult supervision for 3 hours and you're pissed off because he spent money at a fair?

I'd just be grateful he came back.

Oh, it's a village. I see, nothing bad ever happens to unattended 8 year olds in rural areas

stoopstoconker · 06/06/2015 22:19

purdiepie Grin you must live near me...I keep a very close eye on my 8 yr old

AgathaChristie01 · 06/06/2015 22:22

All I can think is, what a glorious memory it could be for that little boy in future years - the day he blew £90 on himself and his little pal at the fun fare at the age of 8, doing exactly what they wanted to do - eating burgers and going on bouncy castles.

I had the same thought, I'm afraid Blush.
Imagine spending that money freely without a second thought, eight year old heaven.

CheesyDibbles · 06/06/2015 22:22

This could almost be lifted directly out of a Just William book. Did they blow it all on ginger beer and the coconut shy?

malefridgeblindness · 06/06/2015 22:25

I think it all sounds a bit implausible but it surprises me so many children don't understand the value of money. Mine have had monthly pocket money from age 4 from which they can buy what they want - and if they want sweets or a comic then they know it has to come out of their own money. They mostly knew the value of £5 by age 5. I can't imagine that at age 8 my dc wouldn't understand that £90 was an outrageous amount to squander.

fiveacres · 06/06/2015 22:27

It's unlikely however that the lad went out with the express purpose of blowing £90. More likely that they were buying ice creams, games, rides, and didn't notice it clocking up. Then got home and realised ...

CamelHump · 06/06/2015 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancingHat · 06/06/2015 22:48

I wouldn't be paying because your son didn't coerce him into spending it; they just don't have any appreciation of the value of £90. His parents should have been in charge of that much money.

On the other hand your son disobeyed you as you said he couldn't go so some form of punishment - perhaps in the way of chores as you suggest is fair. Not sure I'd pay it to the other boy's parents though.

frazzled74 · 06/06/2015 22:59

It's quite sweet that the friend shared his money and they both had a good time. They should both be told off, maybe made to do some jobs to earn back some of the money. The other mum shouldn't have asked for the £45, but if I were you , I would offer it anyway .

Supersoft · 06/06/2015 23:06

I wouldn't pay it back nor ask for it back if I was the other parent. I would however be having a strong word with both boys about spending money wisely etc. Lesson learnt the hard way I think.

TessBrookes · 06/06/2015 23:07

It isn't the parents money to get back - it's their sons. surely his punishment is that he spent his birthday money on crap?!

This. If parents have let him out with it, it's gone. How is it your son's fault? If friend had been buying, at that age they have no concept of £90 and how much it is. So will spend the money in their pocket. If friend had let friend buy for them too, similar situation - they'll just have been happy to be out with friend at the fair. No idea how much is spent. At the age of 8, there's NO way they should be left roaming a fair by themselves for 3 hours without an adult present.
I have a very nearly 8 year old. Can't imagine him running round a fair by himself with no adults present! Would be SERIOUSLY unimpressed if had let him go to a friends and the mum had been slack enough to let them wander off with £90 in their pockets for a few hours, regardless if intentional or not!!

Flashbangandgone · 06/06/2015 23:20

I have to say I'm absolutely stunned,baffled and bewildered by what I believe to be bizarre skewed perspective of the Op and many others on here.... Putting aside the actual AIBU query itself (yes, she is AIBU imo), the Op's eight year old son has:

a) Gone off, for three whole hours to a fayre to which his mum had told him he wasn't to go

b) Accepted the generosity of his friend who treated him at that fayre with his birthday money

In my view, a) is a very serious matter - he was deliberately disobedient and was uncontactable for an extended period in an unknown location... at eight years old!! , whereas b) is little different to what most normal adults would do (if adjusted to an adult context - e.g. substitute extravagant 'birthday' spending at a fayre to extravagant spending at a wedding reception), and yet, the focus of the son's punishment is the latter 'crime', with him having to do mulitple chores (which equate to arbitrary money to pay back his friend) as penance.

If this isn't topsy-turvy BATSHIT CRAZY I don't know what is!

Can anyone honestly, really, truly, expect an eight-year-old (yes, eight, not eighty!) to say to his friend who is asking him to spend a fun morning/afternoon out with him: "Oh, do you really think it's sensible for us to go on the bouncy castle a third time? Is that really the wisest use of your money?", and then when the friend say "Come on, don't spoil it, we're having a great time!" to then think: "I don't think my friend is being particularly responsible here.... so, despite the fact this will risk damaging our friendship, I'm going to do the decent thing and discourage my friend's rash spending, and forego my personal pleasure" and say: "No, I don't think I will - we should probably just wander around looking at the vintage fire engines on display in the corner.... but if you must, I'll just watch while you have a good time". Really? REALLY??

Now substitute that with a wedding reception... The bride and groom (who you know have the spare money, much like the 8 year old in this case) insist on getting you drinks from the free bar at their reception. Which adult amongst us would really decline and say we'd have tap water, with the underlying insinuation that we felt their spending wasn't responsible or especially sensible....

SoupDragon · 06/06/2015 23:21

The friends mum is responsible for your son while he is in her care isn't she? I'd be pretty pissed off she let him go off to fair unsupervised without checking with me first

She didn't. She let them go to the park. Something that the OP clearly says is normal for where they are.

SoupDragon · 06/06/2015 23:23

I wouldn't be paying because your son didn't coerce him into spending

Nobody apart from the two boys concerned know whether that is the case.

Flashbangandgone · 06/06/2015 23:24

Finally, the son was NOT FREELOADING!.... Children will be used to the notion that, at other's birthdays, it is customary to receive as it is to give.... You may buy a present.... but you receive an invitation to a (often costly) party with entertainment and food, not to mention a party bag, or, god forbid, maybe even an expenses paid trip to a theme park (i.e. expensive fayre)!! Adults do this too. I hosted my 40th recently... I paid for the cost of the party... my guests were not freeloaders ffs! It's a sad world if we don't feel we can't treat each other on special occassions, and a sign of deep insecurity where someone feels they can't accept generosity for others.

My understanding is that 'freeloading' is not paying your way in a situation where all are in a similar position, whether that is never buying a round, or never buying a present to parties that you attend, but are grateful receiving presents at yours!

Weebirdie · 06/06/2015 23:30

It was two wee boys out on an adventure.

Nothing untoward happened to them.

Here's to more adventures they'll remember forever.

steppemum · 06/06/2015 23:48

well, it would be very easy to spend that amount.

round here, at the school fete the bouncy castle is 50p, but at the more commercial events it is much more expensive.

We went to a village duck race with a fair. Very villagey. The bouncy castle was £2 per go, and there was an amazing bouncy slide that my kids would have just queued and re-queued to go on, at £2 per ride. Then there was the coconut shy and the dipping for ducks etc, each one was £2 per go.
Add in drinking and burgers and the prices OP said and it quickly adds up, especially as goes on rides are short and they were there for 3 hours.

The bit that would be my problem is that he was told not to go and he went. He knew he shoudn't be there. My 7 yo and my 10 yo would both have very little idea of how much they had spent, (because the money was in hands of the friend, not in their pocket) but they would both know that they shouldn't be there and that they would cop it when caught.

Which in dd1s case would make her come home and in dd2s case would make her stay and spend every last bit. (that is personality not age related)