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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ds friend spends his bday money on them and friends parents want money back

333 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 06/06/2015 13:12

This time of year there are lots of summer fares - one for the primary school, one for the secondary school, one for the village, one for the football club, one for the scout group, etc. as a family we spend a lot at the fares we go to, about £60 at each. For this reason I pick the fares we want to support, primary and secondary schools in the main.

Today is the football fare and it is held in the local recreation ground. My ds doesn't play football, but he wanted to go. There is a bouncy castle and he is 8. I said no. He was called on by his friend who asked if he wanted to play and I said yes.

Unknown to me they went to the Park and the friend took his £90 birthday money and between them they spent it in 3 hours. Friends mum wasn't aware her son had taken his birthday money or that the recreation ground had a fare on. They went on the bouncy castle that is like an obstacle course which was 50p a go, a bungee game, and had burgers, tattoos, drinks etc

She just called to ask me for £45!!!!!

Am I being unreasonable to say no?

OP posts:
Orange6358 · 06/06/2015 23:55

The cost needs to be split 3 ways because the boy, the boys parents and your son were all responsible. The boys parents should have known where the boys were and what they were doing - they were in charge of the play date.

Great idea OP to make your son give £20, then earn the rest to cover the short fall. He may even loose some of his own birthday cash or Christmas cash too. But only pay £30 back in total

Tequilashotfor1 · 06/06/2015 23:57

I don't know ... I'm now leaning towards the lags had a great time view .... too many Wine

Tequilashotfor1 · 06/06/2015 23:58

Lads Grin clearly too much Wine

Flashbangandgone · 07/06/2015 00:02

And finally (and I mean it this time!), even if the boy's friend's mum had thought it reasonable that her son treated his 90 birthday money a little more responsibly (put it away for university, first mortgage, pension even!) did she really think it would be so unreasonable for son to use any of it to treat his friends that she thought it appropriate to ask for 50% of it back from the Op? For instance, if he had spent 2, 1 for each of them on a ride, would that have been unreasonable for the Op's son to accept? If the mum:

a) does genuinely think like this, she is the most mean spirited person I have ever heard of,
b) does not think like this, then asking for 45 is astonishingly and outrageously unreasonable

Butterflywings168 · 07/06/2015 00:40

How did they spend £45 each at a local fete?! Shock Confused Those are some overpriced expensive games, food and drink! I just don't get it. I'd struggle to account for over £10 each.
And as pp said, how did an 8yo disappear off with £90 and no-one know a. he had it on him b. where he was?!

TheFairyCaravan · 07/06/2015 00:43

Do people not read? It wasn't a playdate, the boy knocked for the OP's DS asking him to go out to play. That is very common when you have an 8yo. Neither parent is responsible for each other's child, you're both responsible for your own!

Nowhere does it say that the other boy's mother allowed him to take his birthday money out, nor does it say she knew. I am agog at all these posts saying they wouldn't pay because their child of a similar age wouldn't understand the value of £90. Isn't that true of the boy with the money, then?

At the end of the day both of the boys have done wrong and both have benefited from the other boy's birthday money. I think they should both face the consequences of their actions. The OPs DS should pay back the £45 out of his pocket money or from doing chores and the birthday boy will be £45 down. That way they will both know what it feels like to waste a whole load of money on tat and rubbish.

Butterflywings168 · 07/06/2015 00:45

Oh on RTFT I guess make that £20 each

Mustard969 · 07/06/2015 07:05

What I want to know is when the boy turned up at your door did he have the £90 on him?

Mustard969 · 07/06/2015 07:12

I think its crazy that your son allowed the boy to use so much of his cash when your son wasn't even allowed to go to the fete. The fact he was somewhere he shouldn't have been is very naughty in itself.

The other boy obviously knocked on your door with the cash in his pocket and the keen intent to spend it. Would he still have spent the whole £90 amount if your son hadn't been there? Who knows?

I think your son needs to return at least £40 even if it takes a year of odd jobs.

ceebelle83 · 07/06/2015 07:50

This has triggered an awful childhood memory for me!!

When I was about 10, I went away to the seaside with my friend and her family for a weekend. Her mother had died the previous year, and she was a very troubled little girl, but nobody really recognised this at the time. Anyway, my mum had given me £20 for the weekend...which I lasted me almost the whole weekend and I had shared it with my friend, buying her things/paying on rides etc. (It was 1993, £20 was a fair bit of money then, and it was a big deal as we were dirt poor)

Fast-forward to the following weekend, and my friend was staying at our house. She announced to my mum that she had spent £80 of her own money on me (she hadn't spent a penny but had let me treat her btw!!) and because she was 'poor, sweet, little who's lost her mother' my mum fell for it hook-line-sinker and, begrudgingly handed over the full amount...to a 10 year old!!!! I got grounded/no birthday presents or party when my birthday came a few weeks later/generally made to feel like a horrible little bastard for ages after until it was eventually forgotten about.

So, I would be dubious about (a) the amount of money spent, (b) whether or not it was spent on OP' DS (c) whether the other little boy has lost chunk of it bouncing on the bouncy castle

mugglingalong · 07/06/2015 08:10

I would be dubious that the money was spent equally, but in the spirit of friendship I would offer the £20 and say that your ds will help their ds out with chores at their house for say 4 hours over the next few months. It is then up to them whether they choose to give the money to their son that they would have given to your ds for the chores. That will focus the parents' minds that they bare some responsibility in letting their son take £90 and fritter it away. If you just hand over £45 then they don't get to learn that lesson.

Caboodle · 07/06/2015 08:25

I'm also astounded at the opinions here...it is not ok for and 8 year old to be out for 3 hours and nobody knows where he is; and it is not ok for him to go to the fair when he was clearly told no. This needs dealing with first.

Re the money, I would sit DC down and get him to write down everything they did and the cost (he probably won't remember it all but it will give you a ball park figure). Pay half of this. Explain your reasoning to other Mum. Then you make DC pay you back over time. I cannot believe you think DC should work and pay other Mum in instalments.

And we do not know whose idea it was to go / spend £90. This is irrelevant anyway, your DC is your and your DH's responsibility.

Almahart · 07/06/2015 08:42

Because I can be at it of a wimp and to avoic bad feeling in the pay ground I would pay some money back

However, I dont actually think you are obliged to. The friend blew his birthday money on a fab day out, now he won't be able to buy any toys with it. My kids at eight wouldn't really have understood in a real sense how much money that is. Lesson learned

Luckyfellow · 07/06/2015 08:52

I bet the boys had a day to remember.

ceebelle83 · 07/06/2015 08:55

Also, I'm a primary school teacher in a year 3 class. It would surprise you how few children of that age comprehend the value of money and the notion of time. Some children do have an understanding (ie those who have it reinforced at home through pocket money budgeting and the prominent displaying of timepieces) but the vast majority? No...Most lack the mental arithmetic to quickly work out costing and the change owed etc and especially not the value of £90.

Weebirdie · 07/06/2015 09:03

I would also pay some money back and I wouldn't have had my son or grandson doing chores for it either.

This is the kind of thing that goes down in family folklore and there are other ways to teach children right from wrong without snuffing out their adventurous streak.

Bellebella · 07/06/2015 09:15

I am shocked firstly that your 8 year old was at a fayre for 3 hours and you had no idea. Do people not watch their children at all in this magical village where no harm comes to children ever Hmm

I would give the other boy something because he did treat your ds massively and I would not feel comfortable with that. Regardless if he knew I would not be comfortable letting one of my friends treat me like that so I would make my ds pay something back.

Or perhaps next fayre you take the order child and treat him.

Soduthen116 · 07/06/2015 09:22

This seems like a parallel universe to me. How the actual fuck can anyone spend £90 at a village fete. They are 8! What did they buy. These things are usually selling jam or it's a splat the rat for 50p.

Utterly gobsmacked.

I think you have all got far too much money to waste on crap and this attitude has permitted to your and your friends children.

NickiFury · 07/06/2015 09:22

I would not pay half because I don't believe half was spent on your ds. I imagine their were other children they enjoying hanging round with Mr Moneybags too.

However unsupervised children are likely to do silly stuff. You and the other parent hold some responsibility for this too. I have an 8 year old and she has very little clue regarding the value of money. I wouldn't consider this behaviour to be punished just firmly acknowledged as NOT acceptable. It's a lesson albeit an expensive one.

Soduthen116 · 07/06/2015 09:23

Permeated obviously.

MmeMorrible · 07/06/2015 10:00

I have an 8 year old DS and we too live in a small village. No way in the world would I be letting him off on his own for hours with another 8 year old - and definitely not on the day of a village event like a fair when an influx of people & cars from all over would be descending on the place.

As the fair was in the village park - where did you think the 2 boys were going to play? Telling him he couldn't go & then letting out to play with his friend when the event was on is surely a mixed message?

I think the money is the least of all problems here but I can't imagine how two 8 year olds could spend £90 at this kind of event. I would be mortified at myself that I had allowed this to happen and would certainly cough up DS share of the spending, having first verified with him what was spent out of the £90.

FishCanFly · 07/06/2015 10:07

This story doesn't add up. £90???

MamaLazarou · 07/06/2015 10:20

Two 8-yr-olds spent £90 at a village fete, eh? With absolutely nothing to ahow for it.

Course they did.

The friend's mum is clearly on the make. Or the friend has somehow lost the money.

fiveacres · 07/06/2015 10:21

How many times?

It does add up when you consider the costs of food, rides, drinks, games ...

Imagine it was £2 for a go on one of those games where you try to win a giant stuffed tiger or similar. The boys each have 3 tries - £12 gone. That's feasible.

Entry for both was probably £10.

Ice cream, burger and can of coke each. Easily £10. Easily.

Ride on the waltzers -£5 easily. Big wheel? Another £5. A drink each and some doughnuts? Another £5. Bouncy castle - another £5. Another drink and snack - £5 again. And these are quite low estimates - OP says the fair was expensive. Another ride, another fiver, let's go on it again, another £5. Another try to win a goldfish or whatever.

If it was me, I wouldn't tell my son off for going as it was with a friend; I would pay the £45 and probably be quietly amused Blush

MmeMorrible · 07/06/2015 10:27

Umm no small village fair/fete I have ever been to charges £10 entrance or has enough space to have Waltzers etc as part of the offering. Bouncy castle, inflatable slide, smack the rat etc that locals have hired to bring in are more the norm.

The type of event you are describing is a professional fair that pitches up in a town for a few days. No way on earth I would be letting 8 year olds out unaccompanied if that was on my doorstep!