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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2015 16:25

If it does, what are you going to do?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 27/10/2015 16:58

I would have to walk away unfortunately.

OP posts:
NorthenFeminist · 27/10/2015 17:00

You're banging your head against a brick wall. Genuine love isn't this difficult

HeadDoctor · 27/10/2015 17:20

In terms of pushing forward - there is no right or wrong. He is allowed to want things to stay as they are even if that's upsetting you and you are allowed to say "No thanks, I want another baby, I want to get married. I want that with you but if you don't want it with me, we need to go our separate ways".

Life is TOO SHORT for this shit. I bet the first two weeks away from him will feel like hell and then the spell will break and you'll feel much better. Have a read about "gas lighting" xx

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 27/10/2015 18:13

So you think I'm being gas lighted?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 28/10/2015 02:35

I you have to nag a man into divorcing his ex then he simply doesn't want to divorce her. Who knows..its likely that he may then feel you will pressure him into marrying you. Doesnt sound like he wants to marry you either.

If he really loved you, you wouldn't have to jump up and down like this. The man has the right to not want to divorce or marry, just like you have the right to think well then I don't want to be with a married man so Im moving on. Thats just an example

You can't MAKE people do what YOU want them to do and even if you somehow managed that its a shit premise for a good future with someone. Do you truly want a man you have to literally beg to divorce his wife?

Give him an ultimatum if you like - but then please accept the outcome even if its not what you want it to be.

He is stringing you along in a way but you're letting him do that in plain sight, and nothing anybody says on here will miraculously change him into who you want him to be or get you the relationship you want with him.

Sometimes we have to face harsh facts in life and get over sorrowful situations and in this case sorry, you may just have to.

Ememem84 · 30/10/2015 06:57

I've read the thread and am astounded by how you seem to have been completely blinded by this guy.

I doubt your kids are going to meet. He's not going to divorce.

Are you being gas lighted? Yes. I think you are.

If your kids don't meet, are you going to leave? No I don't think you will. You haven't yet so why would you now.

Take a step back. Imagine what you'd advise if this was a friend or relatives thread. Would you really advise them to hold on for as long as you have?

AuntieStella · 30/10/2015 12:20

I don't think you're being gas lighted.

I think you are with someone who has been clear throughout.

But it's a message you don't want to hear, so you've kept on at him and tried to turn white into black. It's not worked at any point. And it isn't going to work.

Either you stay with him, and accept that there will be no integrated family. Or you decide that you want a different kind of relationship to what he is offering, and free yourself to look for opportunities.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 31/10/2015 10:36

If they don't meet I will leave. It is all on for a meet next week at the moment.

OP posts:
clam · 31/10/2015 11:07

So you think that, even if this meet-up goes ahead, all will be rosy?

Sorry, but I think the writing's on the wall with this one. It's not about being "right or wrong," but you're reading different scripts. Even just reading this thread, I'm feeling pressured by your insistence to move things along, so I'm afraid I'm with him on it.

Back off. Even if he succumbs and does what you want, you're never going to really feel that it came from the right place. Work on your self-esteem.

Sallyingforth · 31/10/2015 11:45

Feeling so sorry for you OP. I hate to see someone being abused like this.
You obviously love him, but he's just using you for a convenient free shag.
You deserve far, far better. Find yourself someone who can return your feelings and help you regain your self respect.

GoblinLittleOwl · 31/10/2015 13:14

The thing is, you haven't really got anything to walk away from, have you?

It seems a very casual kind of relationship, neither of you with a place of your own, a shared circle of friends or activities, or plans for the future.
It will be hard to cut him out of your existing life, which seems pretty dull; harder than making a fresh start and a new life for yourself.

Don't wait for him to let you down again. Instead of nagging him to be part of your life, start occupying yourself more and try and create a different life for yourself and your child: new job, activities, home; if he joins you in it, he does so on your terms.

At the moment you are simply hanging all your hopes on him and he needs to change nothing.

maras2 · 31/10/2015 14:33

Not going to happen.Sorry.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 31/10/2015 15:16

I'm currently buying a house and due to complete at the beginning of next month so house wise and financially I'm fine.
I've not met any of his friends as most of them have partners that are still friendly with his wife and there has never been an opportunity. I don't have any friends, just work colleagues and family.
He is still financially tied to his wife with his house which he says he won't sell if his child is happy there.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/10/2015 15:34

This is just a casual relationship to him, it really shouldn't be this much hard work in the first 2 years for this sort of reason.

Haven't met his friends because they are friendly with his ex? It's just a joke - you are going to stay a secret forever because he will NEVER rock the boat with his ex.

Ememem84 · 31/10/2015 17:35

I don't think he has an ex.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 31/10/2015 20:56

Do you think there is possibility that he wants to get back together with her? Does that happen after such a long period of time.

OP posts:
Stratter5 · 31/10/2015 21:21

It's possible, we got divorced then got back together.

Either way, successful relationships are NOT this difficult; particularly not in the first few years. My advice, like everyone else, walk away now, don't let it get messy.

NorthenFeminist · 31/10/2015 21:41

I think it's very likely that he wants to get back with her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/10/2015 21:53

Watching - I think you need to look at what his actions are telling you - if he wanted to be with you, he would be pushing forward with the divorce. He is t, and that, to me, says FAR more than his words.

My advice - walk away from him, and spend some time working on your self esteem. Learn to value yourself, and then don't accept any man who doesn't value you at least as much as you value yourself.

ThisOldFool · 31/10/2015 22:34

WW4 YABU staying with this bloke. Move out and move on for your own sake. He's a loser, you're not.

wannabestressfree · 31/10/2015 22:41

It's not normal to have never met any of his friends -whether they are friends with her or not. I think your insulated life is affecting your sense of what is 'ok'...

RaspberryOverload · 31/10/2015 22:44

OP, cut your losses with this bloke. Go and find someone who is available to you. This bloke isn't, and it looks like he never will be.

VenusInFauxFurs · 01/11/2015 11:26

OP, your comment that you don't have any friends is quite telling. Is that why you're so invested in this guy do you think? Because you think he is your only friend?

frankie001 · 01/11/2015 12:06

Just read this thread and feel very sad for you. This all seems to be on his terms and there are red alerts for me all through your postings. You can do so much better.