Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 24/10/2015 14:21

I think he doesn't like your mum because he knows she sees right through him.

CheesyNachos · 24/10/2015 15:00

Right, so in order to 'prove' yourself worthy of his committment you have to isolate yourself from your family.

Right.

I am quite honestly worried about you OP. Run as fast as you can from him, really.

ilovesooty · 24/10/2015 15:11

It sounds as though your mum can see who he is. Why aren't you listening to jer?

Nanny0gg · 24/10/2015 15:21

So your mum has got the measure of him.
Most of the posters on this thread have the measure of him.

Why aren't you listening?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 24/10/2015 15:56

Because I don't know if I'm in the wrong for pushing for things to move forward

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/10/2015 16:00

I don't know what you want from this thread. Are you going to keep banging on desperately posting about this until someone actually tells you there us any hope for this relationship?

redexpat · 24/10/2015 16:57

For whatever reason, he simply isnt ready to divorce. How long are you prepared to wait before you walk away?

I think the fact that you have got your papers sorted and he hasnt suggests that you love him more than he loves you.

Its v frustrating, but theres not much MN can do to help you.

redexpat · 24/10/2015 17:03

Or having read your updates, i think he sees no future, but is too chicken to break up with you. He is putting more and more barriers up to keep you away, and you just keep coming back. He wants you to be the bad guy and break up with him.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 24/10/2015 17:04

If you ditch your mum he will find another reason.

He is not going to meet your kids, he is not going to let you meet his kids, he is not going to divorce, how are you going to deal with it. This is it. No change. Nothing is going to change. How do you live your life knowing that he isn't going to divorce and the families won't get together? That is what you need to work out.

wannabestressfree · 24/10/2015 17:08

So basically you have no future.... He doesn't want your family amalgamated and his children around your mum?
He won't chase his divorce....
You spend no time with his son....
Please just leave this now. I have followed both threads and you have had the Same advice over and over and its not sticking.
Its painful...

AuntieStella · 24/10/2015 17:16

"she thinks he hasn't shown me enough commitment"

Sounds like there's nothing wrong with her powers of observation then.

"He says he doesn't want to introduce the kids as he's worried I'll then want more"

Which means he has no interest in integrating families.

"...and want his son to go to family events where my mum will be. He doesn't want his son to have anything to do with my mum!"

Another strong statement that he does not want to integrate your families.

"Because I don't know if I'm in the wrong for pushing for things to move forward"

In the nicest possible way, you are totally in the wrong. Good relationships progress because both people want them to, and do not need concerted pushing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2015 17:23

Here's a hoop. Jump though it. Not high enough. Here's another hoop.

Really OP. Don't.

DiscoDiva70 · 24/10/2015 18:06

Op, sorry to be blunt but this man is basically using you as a shag buddy for his own convenience, and will disappear from your life when he either
A) Meets someone he cares for, then he will speed up the divorce.
B) Gets back with his wife, if she'll have him, as he may regret leaving her.
C) Gets fed up being quizzed by you and decides to stay single.

That's it in a nutshell. Realise you deserve better than to be used by him.

starlight2007 · 24/10/2015 20:09

I think you actually do know everything you need to know..

This man does not want to commit to you.

He wants you to isolate yourself from your family ..

He likes it the way things are..

There is nothing to suggest he wants more from you than he has with you now...What you decide to do next is your choice but do not expect more than you have now..

lunar1 · 24/10/2015 20:48

Why are you putting yourself through this. Relationships need two people to grow, not one pushing on while the other drops the anchor.

Nanny0gg · 24/10/2015 21:55

Because I don't know if I'm in the wrong for pushing for things to move forward

No. Because we haven't given the answer you want to hear.

goddessofsmallthings · 24/10/2015 22:25

Hallelujah for your mum! Every gal should have one like her.

You could push from now until kingdom come, honey, but it won't alter the fact that he just isn't into you.

So what are you going to do? Continue being his booty call until he finds a parentless woman he can subjugate is into and watch him divorce and remarry in five minutes flat, or tell the controlling twat to do one?

wizzywig · 25/10/2015 09:06

Just flicking through this thread. It seems when it is the woman who is awaiting a divorce then its acceptable for her partner to wait until she gets round to submitting paperwork. When its the man who is awaiting a divorce then he must be leading the partner along if he isnt chasing solicitors etc all the time. But i do think its dodgy about the kids not meeting

wizzywig · 25/10/2015 09:12

Ok now ive read some more. Leaveeeee him. Run and run away some more. He is playing mind games with you. Putting the problem onto your relationship with yr mum nicely puts the focus away from him

magoria · 25/10/2015 09:24

He doesn't want you in his son's life.

He is telling you that even in 5 years you will never have a family Christmas of you, your family (mum) and his.

On your birthday (if you ever get to meet his son) your mother will not be allowed around at the same time.

It is him or her. But there is no guarantee of commitment until you pick him. And no guarantee even if you do.

Oops he nearly distracted you from his divorce there didn't he...

Your mum has him bang to rights. And he really doesn't like that.

Kacie123 · 25/10/2015 09:46

Jesus Christ OP.

I didn't comment on your other threads because I hoped people would get through to you but you're in denial, so I'll add my voice to the crowd saying "run".

How and why have you stuck around this long? What joy are you getting from being his backup option like this? Do you like the drama? Life is too short for this, it really is.

You need to end this, gain some self-respect, and get on with your life.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2015 09:52

The sunken costs fallacy strikes again. Also known as throwing good money after bad. Many businesses have failed because the owners wouldn't accept they've lost the original customer and need to focus on attracting a new one. They lose resources and time chasing after the old customer instead of rebranding and going for a new audience. The same thing happens in relationships.

I'm not judging, I understand how hard it is to pull away when you've invested a lot of your own self into someone. It's hard enough when you've invested money, and you can always earn that back. But that doesn't make it any less destructive and devastating.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 27/10/2015 15:57

After a weekend of talks It has been agreed for the kids to meet next week.

OP posts:
CalonDu · 27/10/2015 16:02

Well, you know, that's great and all, but a weekend of talks is what the UN organise to get a peace treaty thrashed out. You shouldn't need 'a weekend of talks' to arrange an obvious next step in a healthy and mutually committed relationship.

I hope it all works out, and the kids get on well, and he realises how badly he's been messing you around, and files his divorce papers overnight. But don't be surprised if he finds a reason for it not to go ahead. In fact, if he manages to cancel or sabotage the kids meeting up, make that your final straw and knock this on the head. There's someone better for you out there.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 27/10/2015 16:23

I'm prepared that it may suddenly get cancelled!

OP posts: