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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
FurryDogMother · 22/10/2015 12:12

Because you don't see the relationship as permanent, and don't want your child to see your partner as a part of their lives, only to lose them later on.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 22/10/2015 12:14

OP - this is your relationship now. You don't meet his kids and he doesn't meet yours. He is not getting divorced. This is not going to change, because if was going to change it would have done so already. This is it. This is your life.

This is how it will be in a year's time, or longer.

What do you need to do to cope with this now you know that the whole thing isn't going to change?

gatewalker · 22/10/2015 12:20

You can ask as many questions as you want about why your partner (and I use that term loosely) is doing this. Why is he stringing me along? Why won't he contact me? Why is he ignoring me? Why does he treat me this way? Why won't he meet my kids?

You'll never know. You can't get into his head. He probably doesn't fucking know either.

A better use of "why":

Why am I choosing to stay?
Why am I deciding to tolerate this?
Why do I continue to put my own self-worth below that of a worthless partner?

LadyLonely1 · 22/10/2015 12:22

He's making an utter fool and you are going along with it. In two years you have not seen his kids and that doesn't ring huge Bells??
The main point is if you need to beg him to divorce then do you really want to be in that type Of relationship. Time to take the blinkers off and see it for what it clearly is.

AnneofGreenTables · 22/10/2015 12:32

And OP just to add to what others have said, when he tells you you're unreasonable for questioning this, he isn't right.

Just because he's telling you this is all in your head and you're blowing it out of proportion doesn't mean it's correct.

You're questioning this for a reason, a good and sound reason. Trust yourself and cast him adrift.

NorthenFeminist · 22/10/2015 12:40

Op why did his marriage break down? Did he end it or his wife?

Calaisienne · 22/10/2015 12:49

Divorce online lost my papers and didn't me until I chased them numerous times.

Didn't bother with them in the end (but both kids grown up, both exH & I earned similar amounts and pensions so just agreed between ourselves.
I did our divorce no solicitors etc but then it was amicable.
Even so - I still didn't get round to it for 5 years. I felt divorced, neither DH or DP cared & I had better things to spend my money on.

However DP's kids stayed over, I had met his family as his partner. DP and I send joint Xmas cards to his kids, parents, siblings even his ex and her DP, and my ex and got cards back to both of us. The difference is we were all happy with the situation.

If you are not happy with your arrangement, and it sounds very odd (I do realise mine does too!) then you need top take responsibility for your own life and that of your children and either accept it, or leave him

Gottagetmoving · 22/10/2015 12:56

Everyone is different. I do know that a lot of men find it very difficult to move on after a split up and delay divorcing.
It would help if they did not get into a new relationship until they had their head sorted out but they do!
My DP was in no hurry to divorce his ex wife when I met him. They had been apart for over a year and he did not intend having a serious relationship again. He also did not want to meet my children, it would be an acceptance of moving on. He took their break up really hard.
His ex wife started the divorce proceedings and I think after that he came to terms with their break up and was ready to move on.
Don't underestimate how much the split up affected him. I think more pressure just makes it worse.
You just have to decide if it is worth waiting for him to be ready to move on which he can only do in his time and not to your schedule.

In my case I was happy as things were in the first couple of years but I would have moved on myself had it got to the point it was a problem for me.
Things worked out for us in the end and we have been living together for a long time now and everything is fine.

Gottagetmoving · 22/10/2015 13:11

I reckon if you stopped going on about it and gave him time to come to terms with it all on his own it would resolve itself.
If you back off a bit, stop talking about the divorce, take some time to do things without him, not be there all the time for him, he would probably start worrying about your intentions. May be the shock he needs. You have nothing to lose.

MsRinky · 22/10/2015 13:54

I have no idea why you would want to inflict this man on your kids.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/10/2015 14:20

What FurryDogMother and LadyLonely1 said

You're flogging a dead horse here, let him go, get on with your life and build your self esteem and maybe one day you'll meet someone who isn't a plonker and won't mess you around

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 22/10/2015 16:39

I don't really know why his marriage broke down. He said they just stopped getting on. She was miserable etc.

OP posts:
NorthenFeminist · 22/10/2015 16:46

Just thought if he'd ended it then you'd have a better indication of if he really did want to actually be divorced from her.

lunar1 · 22/10/2015 16:47

The online divorce company will just use the info he has given. I think the error is just convenient for him.

MrsLupo · 22/10/2015 18:08

My own divorce (in England) cost less than four figures from start to finish.

God, when did divorce get so expensive? When I got divorced in the mid-90s it cost me £45. Yet another reason not to get married. Shock

OP, I am sorry about your obvious distress but, like others, I think you're trying to swim against the river here. I've had a few ill-fated relationships myself where it took me a long time (too long!) to realise that I wasn't so much 'fighting for my man' as doing all the heavy lifting. I don't think you will get what you want, or only on terms that make it no longer worth having. Keep your pride, walk away, start another thread one day soon called 'AIBU to be walking on air because of my lovely new boyfriend?' Be kind to yourself. Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 22/10/2015 21:15

Oh dear. It's all too apparent what you are to him and it isn't a potential life partner otherwise he'd have sorted his divorce by now.

Gather up what's left of your pride and walk away, OP. It make take your absence to make him realise you're the best thing in his life, but if not you'll be free to find a guy who doesn't shy away from commitment.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/10/2015 21:15

Duh! may take

OTheHugeManatee · 22/10/2015 22:33

He. Is. Giving. You. The. Runaround.

HTH

TempusEedjit · 22/10/2015 22:41

I also used Wikivorce but I had no problems, all done and dusted within a few months for under £1k IIRC.

I'm afraid he clearly doesn't want to commit to you.

starlight2007 · 22/10/2015 22:53

I remember when you first posted about this..

I think your self esteem would improve if you dump this guy..

You clearly both are not looking for the same thing.

I worry you will still be in the situation giving him yet one more chance for him to let you and your self esteem and self confidence drop further.

ShebaShimmyShake · 23/10/2015 07:23

If I really wanted something that would enable me to have a proper relationship with someone I loved, £400 would not stand in my way.

MyCircusMyMonkeys · 23/10/2015 07:29

It doesn't seem like there was much of a gap between his marriage breaking up and the start of your relationship, OP. Could that be part of the reason he isn't willing to commit to you?

noddingoff · 23/10/2015 11:37

I feel a song coming on:

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 24/10/2015 13:55

We've chatted since I last posted.
He doesn't get on with my mum. They rub each other the wrong way. He thinks she's controlling, she thinks he hasn't shown me enough commitment.
He says he doesn't want to introduce the kids as he's worried I'll then want more and want his son to go to family events where my mum will be. He doesn't want his son to have anything to do with my mum!
He says he has to see me stand up to my mum and things change with my mum before we can move forward but he doesn't know what that looks like/what I need to do.
His response to not chasing up the divorce paperwork was that he has other stuff to do and doesn't think it's his job to chase them.

OP posts:
FatalFemme · 24/10/2015 14:05

I think you need to listen to your mum, OP