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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 21/10/2015 23:32

He doesn't want more kids, you do.

He doesn't want you to meet his existing child.
He doesn't want to get a divorce.
He doesn't want to marry you (sorry, but he doesn't).

Stop wasting your time.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:37

I've backed him into a corner with kids meeting where he has little choice to go along with it. I don't think he wants to deal with the confrontation with his ex as she wouldn't be happy about me meeting him.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmDisturbed · 21/10/2015 23:38

As you said there is always an excuse

For whatever reason he is in no rush and that you are unhappy about this is making no difference

Does that not tell you something?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:38

If he cancels then I know it really isn't ever going to happen.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/10/2015 23:38

If he wants to put his life on hold so be it. Why are you doing the same? You are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really see you as someone they want to commit to at this stage. Deep down you know this, that's why you keep pushing for the divorce because you don't feel he is really committed to you so you are trying to force him to show his commitment to your relationship. And he keeps stringing you along...

Costacoffeeplease · 21/10/2015 23:41

Are there any positives to the relationship? Do you think you might have some self esteem issues?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:44

I have extremely low self esteem

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 21/10/2015 23:47

He could have got the papers from the court for free, filled them out and lodged them for £200 odd and then got form e to go from there.

My dp separated from his wife 5 years. The divorce has been dragging on for three long years because she refuses to apply for the absolute until she has money from the sale of the house which has taken a long time to sell and is still dragging on. I've been with him 3 years and believe me when I say divorce can be time consuming, expensive and bitter. My dp has lost just about everything but we cannot wait until it's sorted for good.

Maybe he knows he will lose an awful lot financially.

JoelyB · 21/10/2015 23:49

Move on. He doesn't want a divorce.
Painful now, but so much better in the long run.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/10/2015 23:51

Stop giving him yet one more test to prove he values your relationship. Value yourself instead.

You are worth more than someone's sort of partner. He doesn't sound ready for a relationship with you so why are you settling for scraps.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/10/2015 23:54

I have extremely low self esteem

It does come across in your posts - do you think the way he is treating you could be contributing to your low self esteem?

TheWindowDonkey · 21/10/2015 23:55

Perhaps he just doesn't want to be nagged into it, but wants to do it when he decides to, not when you decide fir him. Under similar pressure from a partner I think I would resust too. Back off on it totally for 6 months and see what happens...Or leave if you are not happy with him not doing it, as you are obviously not on the same wavelength about all this.
Whatever you do stop pressurising and nagging. It'll make you feel shitty.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/10/2015 00:03

Oh waiting. Seriously, he does not want to be divorced. And neither does his ex. Because she could also petition for it. Or they could split costs, etc.

My XH made me wait until the two years were up. By which time I had begun to settle down with Now DH. But because we were settling down I'd have scrimped, saved and whatevered to have that divorce. Now DH never pressured me, I just knew it was unfair on him otherwise. However after that two years, XH decided to split costs. I'm fairly sure it was because he landed some money I wasn't technically entitled to a share of, but I didn't care, I wanted him gone.

I never normally term him Now DH btw! He's very much DH!!!

Bambambini · 22/10/2015 00:05

The divorce isn't necessarily that important, especially if you aren't living together or have kids or anything.

But, he doesn't want kids and you do
He doesn't want to you to meet his kids after more than two years

These are big things and really don't look good.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 22/10/2015 00:06

Yes I'm sure it is having an impact on my self esteem.
I feel second best to his wife.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/10/2015 00:08

You don't have any ties to him by the sounds of it, no property or children together. He's not committing to you, he doesn't want any more children, is there really a future in this relationship?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 22/10/2015 00:08

I don't think he wants to rock the boat with his wife but he knows how important the integration of our kids is to me.

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 22/10/2015 00:11

he knows how important the integration of our kids is to me. Well, if he knows how important it is, why isn't he doing anything about it? You have met his child ONCE! Sounds like it is important to you, but not to him.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/10/2015 00:14

Why is introducing the DC so important? Is it their best interests to push them into a situation you feel uncertain about?

Costacoffeeplease · 22/10/2015 00:14

Maybe it's time to make a stand, not an ultimatum if you can't see it through, but a plan for what you would like to see happen in the next 6 months. If he can't or won't agree/carry it out, then you've got your answer, but whatever happens, something's got to give and you'll feel better for taking back some control. Surely it's better to know now than hang around indefinitely for a few more years, while your self esteem gets lower and lower?

JoelyB · 22/10/2015 00:17

Yes I'm sure it is having an impact on my self esteem.
I feel second best to his wife.

Walk away. You are worth more.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 06:05

Honestly OP how long are you going to carry on like this.

Usually I would tell you to keep your nose out regarding his divorce. You both seem to spend a lot of time discussing his divorce.

However since he has said the relationship can't move on until the divorce, I get why you want it to happen. But it's obvious the divorce is his excuse for not taking the relationship further. If you eventually 'win' and he divorces he will tell you that his ex has threaten to stop contact if he introduces you to the child.

This relationship has no future. I don't know how many times, or how many ways people can tell you this.

greenfolder · 22/10/2015 06:10

My friend started her divorce in May. She has just sent off the second lot of paperwork and is expecting the final document next week.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 22/10/2015 08:22

If I raise it I get told I'm being unreasonable. When I've said that I feel he is avoiding me meeting his son he says it's not true, that the opportunity hasn't arisen and that it's in my head.

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 22/10/2015 08:44

He doesn't sound like he's going to change. You are going round and round in circles wondering why he hasn't done things. Your choice is either to accept what he's saying and start enjoying your relationship as it is, or end the relationship as he's not making you happy. But simply driving yourself mad wanting him to be different will just make your self esteem get even lower.

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