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Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

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Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 07/06/2015 13:36

He took me to his brothers wedding, does that show commitment?

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LIZS · 07/06/2015 13:43

And how did he introduce you? You want more commitment than he is able or willing to offer. Can you live with that indefinitely? I suspect not or you wouldn't have started this and other threads.

PenguinBollards · 07/06/2015 13:43

I have no idea, but if you're having to question and analyse all of his actions for evidence of commitment it seems to me that things are not right.

If you're in a committed relationship then you both know that you are, divorce papers or not, brother's wedding or not.

AmyElliotDunne · 07/06/2015 13:51

From the other side, I separated from xh about 3.5 years ago, met DP a few months later and have only finalised divorce this year. It just wasn't really important. We couldn't agree on how the finances/house would be split and while everything was ticking along ok I didn't see a need to rock the boat.

Dp didn't really mind, although he joked that he thought it was all highly amusing 'shagging someone else's wife' and was pleased when it finally did happen, but he never put any pressure on me to get it done.

Fwiw, as we're not in a position to marry for several years due to dcs it makes no difference on a practical level and it certainly says nothing about my commitment to DP or any hankering to still be married to xh. This does not mean he's 'not that into you', just that he sees no reason to part with the money for something that makes no real difference until the day you decide to remarry.

SoupDragon · 07/06/2015 13:53

He took me to his brothers wedding, does that show commitment?

No, it means you were his "plus one" at the time.

Rather than harassing him , have the guts to walk away and tell him to come back when everything is sorted out.

Gottagetmoving · 07/06/2015 13:55

He is not ready to move on. Two years is not a long time after a divorce. Seems like he came out of one relationship and jumped into another one with you too quickly.
You are being too pushy OP. He may want to commit to you properly eventually but you may have to wait a long time which it seems you are not prepared to do, so the only solution for you us to move on before you drive him and yourself mad.
If he wanted a divorce he would have saved up for it,...but he doesn't and from men I know in that situation...most don't until their ex sorts it out.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 07/06/2015 14:00

He didn't introduce me as anything.

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PenguinBollards · 07/06/2015 14:07

OP, if you're 100% honest with yourself, what is your gut instinct about this relationship? Does it feel like a committed relationship? Where do your insecurities stem from? Do you trust him, 100%, when he says he is committed and wants a future with you? If he got divorced tomorrow would all of your doubts vanish?

BlinkAndMiss · 07/06/2015 14:18

Oh OP, you were given some really useful advice on the last thread you posted and a lot of that has been repeated on here. No matter how much you don't want to hear it it's pretty clear that he doesn't want to be divorced. He doesn't treat you like in is partner, you don't live together and he's essentially wasted money on starting a procedure which he has no intention of seeing through and his ex wife barely knows about you. He has made gestures to keep you going but hasn't actually done anything that suggests he's serious.

You shouldn't be paying for his divorce, he should be. I think you need to have an in depth chat about what he actually wants and what expectations you have as it doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you deserve better than hanging around waiting for someone who is showing you very little respect.

ttc2015 · 07/06/2015 16:31

You aren't his priority OP, neither is getting divorced. Whether that's because he isn't ready to let her go or just can't be bothered is beside the point really, the fact is that if he was serious about divorcing her then he'd be prioritising it and saving money or borrowing it from you.

It says a lot that you call him a boyfriend rather then a DP, imo, you've been together two years but you haven't progressed much because of his reluctance. Do you want to still be here in a years time?

Fairenuff · 07/06/2015 16:57

People who want to get divorced get divorced.

People who don't want to get divorced don't get divorced.

Which one do you think he is right now OP?

attheendoftheday · 07/06/2015 17:39

I'm coming from a different point of view to some others. I don't think the lack of divorce necessarily signifies anything other than not prioritising the divorce. You've only been together a couple of years and it doesn't sound like you're living together, so surely it isn't hugely pressing?

My dp has just applied for his divorce from ex-w 11 years after the end of their relationship and 8 years after the start of our relationship. His lack of divorce has never made me doubt his commitment any more than I believe a marriage will result in commitment in an unhappy relationship. I've always taken the stance that it's up to him and he'll do it when he wants to. I realise it helps that I have no desire to marry dp, but surely you're not planning your marriage so soon after his last one?

Tbh the only reason dp is getting a divorce now is because it's in our best financial interests. I would perhaps have felt differently if dp had not behaved in a committed way, or if he hasn't been happy to arrange our finances in a safe way (with wills, joint ownership etc).

AnyFucker · 07/06/2015 17:48

the reason you feel like shit and that you are second best is because he is treating you that way

how long you keep on tolerating that is of course up to you

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:03

So here I am again. Please don't shout at me!
Since my last post there has still been no progress on the divorce front as the online divorce company he is using made an error on the original petition and still haven't sent it back to him corrected. This has been going on for around 3 months. Is this even remotely plausible?

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Toffeelatteplease · 21/10/2015 23:08

No

NorthernLurker · 21/10/2015 23:08

No, not at all plausible. Good grief - Henry VIII got divorced from Catherine of Aragon quicker than your bloke is managing!

You need to do three things:

  1. Dump him
  2. Get some assertiveness training
  3. Thank your lucky stars every day that he did drag his heels or you might have been in danger of being legally bound to the waste of space
AnyFucker · 21/10/2015 23:10

nope

TempusEedjit · 21/10/2015 23:11

No. Have you actually seen the paperwork? Online divorces are not usually recommended when DC are involved.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:13

I believe he used DivorceOnline. Anyone ever used them?

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Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:14

No I haven't. He offered to show me but I didn't take him up on the offer.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2015 23:17

I dragged my feet through a whole other relationship not getting divorced from exH. As soon as new BF (now lovely DH) asked about my divorce, I got it sorted.

He doesn't want to enough.

LewdJaw · 21/10/2015 23:20

How many more years of your life are you going to waste on him? He doesn't want to commit to you, and not yet being divorced is his comfort blanket, his excuse that you can't get too involved, meet the kids, marry etc - you can't talk about those things or even think about them. Once he gets divorced he's got no reasonable excuse for treating you like someone he's not serious about.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:22

It's been dragging on so long now. There is also an ongoing issue that I have only met his son once with my daughter around 1.5 years ago. There is a reluctance there. He says it's because he often works weekends, has his son during the week after school when I'm at work and the weekend his son is doing stuff with his mum.

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 21/10/2015 23:24

You need to get a grip love. You have no call over his assets, he doesn't live with you and there's not the slightest reason for him to sort his divorce. If he wanted to introduce you to his dc he could.
Essentially other than refusing to see him you have no leverage.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 21/10/2015 23:27

He hates my mum, they don't get on. He lives with his parents. I live with mine at present as I'm in the process of buying my own house. He doesn't want more kids and I possibly do.

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