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AIBU?

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Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 06/06/2015 12:19

He says he doesn't have the £400 and can't guarantee when he'll have it. He says it depends on what he has to pay for. I suggested he save £100 a month for it and get it sent off in September but he says he can't guarantee he'll have the money and that he may have to use it for essentials

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/06/2015 12:25

Then how much clearer do you need to realise that this is not his priority. From another of your threads he didn't even tell his wife about you until you'd been seeing each other for well over a year and had met his ds. This is never going to be straightforward or a clean break, divorced or not.

Dutch1e · 06/06/2015 17:44

I'm technically married to someone else who is several years and timezones away. It costs a fortune to divorce even though it's the most basic situation (no children, no property, no spousal maintenance). My DP couldn't care less and we know we'll get it in order when budget and time allow.

Why does this bother you so much OP?

If a divorce represents everything that is wrong with your relationship then save yourself 400 and break up. If a divorce is the ONLY issue then yes, YABU.

motherofmonster · 06/06/2015 18:16

Look at it another way. In the past few months has he bought a take away, new clothes,couple of beers, men's mag's, lotto ticket, lunches out? Because as someone who is desperate to save up for something that should be important would not be wasting a few quid here and there. He would have a savings jar where every bit of spare smash would be going in to.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 07/06/2015 11:01

I guess I just think that £400 is something that isn't a huge amount to raise given the circumstances.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 07/06/2015 11:08

What does it tell you then? He could have saved the money, he hasn't.

Snoozybird · 07/06/2015 11:10

"It costs a fortune to divorce"

No it doesn't. Sorting out the financial aspect can cost a fortune if you both have solicitors slugging things out but if you can agree things between you it doesn't cost much at all. My own divorce (in England) cost less than four figures from start to finish.

PenguinBollards · 07/06/2015 11:16

If someone genuinely wants to do something, they find a way to make it happen.

Please, please, find a way to move on. This is making you deperately unhappy.

Or, give him the £400 and see what happens ~ my guess is he'll still find a way not to put the wheels in motion. Is £400 a worthwhile fee to get absolute proof of whether he does or does not want a future with you? If so, pay it and see what his next move is.

But even if you do force his hand and he goes through with it, will you ever be free of the doubts that he still wants his ex and that you're the second choice? I don't think so.

Read the signs. Stop trying to make them say something else. His behaviour is sending a cler message about his priorities, however much you want it to be different and whatever the words out of his mouth say.

LotusLight · 07/06/2015 11:26

He must sign the financial side and get a sealed court consent order before decree absolute by the way otherwise all his assets are in jeopardy even 20 years later. Don't just rush a decree absolute, there is no point in that at all.

Also if you earn more than he does the longer he doesn't marry you the longer you protect your own assets from him on a divorce!

Pumpkinpositive · 07/06/2015 11:44

Maybe he wants his wife to initiate proceedings on account of the adultery he's committing with you.

Not sure I'd particularly want to be named as a co-adulterer on someone's divorce petition though. Hmm

SoupDragon · 07/06/2015 11:49

He doesn't want to get a divorce.
He is making excuses.
He clearly doesn't give a shit that it bothers you.

Glitoris · 07/06/2015 11:53

He doesn't want to get divorced.

How is that not obvious to you?

Greenrememberedhills · 07/06/2015 11:55

It might well be that he doesn't want what might follow on from the divorce, which is another marriage.

Greenrememberedhills · 07/06/2015 11:57

Which is different from not being keen on you. Maybe he fears a divorce will open the door on that discussion and he isn't ready. However he should be articulate enough to say so. He's free to do what he wants, after all.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 07/06/2015 12:22

I've offered to lend him the £400 for the divorce penguin but he said it's weird, not right and won't accept it

OP posts:
PenguinBollards · 07/06/2015 12:29

So he doesn't appear to want to get divorced at this point in time.

You can either accept that and stay with him, or not accept it and leave if the situation isn't bearable to you.

These are your options. You cannot force his hand. No one likes to be backed into a corner, and for yourself there's be festering doubts about whether he'd only done it because you forced him to.

He is not currently willing to proceed with the divorce. That is the reality right now. Accept that fact and stay, or don't.

LazyLouLou · 07/06/2015 12:35

Good grief, Watching. It is not the lack of £400 that is causing him issues.

He is contemplating ending a long term relationship, it is his, he has feelings for it, his ex etc. He can't work all that out on your timescale and, if you are as persistent with him as you are here, you are hassling him.

He is right. It would be weird for you to pay for his divorce. His divorce. You can't buy it for him, financially or emotionally.

If waiting for him to sort it out in his own time is unbearable to you then leave. Especially as, you say, you won't want to marry him anyway!

SurlyCue · 07/06/2015 12:42

Oh god this is painful to watch.

SoupDragon · 07/06/2015 12:44

I've offered to lend him the £400 for the divorce penguin but he said it's weird, not right and won't accept it

Because he doesn't want to get divorced and he doesn't want you to have a hold over him.

What does that tell you?

ConnortheMonkey · 07/06/2015 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 07/06/2015 12:53

He's paid £150 to get the initial paperwork so he says he's shown he has done something. I think the real problem for me.is that I haven't been able to meet or spend time with his son and my daughter along with the divorce has made it worse

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 07/06/2015 12:54

The divorce isn't so much the problem, it's the two together that makes me uneasy.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 07/06/2015 12:58

He may be frightened of rocking the boat. His ex is already showing signs of controlling behaviour by selfishly using her children as pawns. He may feel if he does this now then it will get worse. I think it's sometimes hard to see it from a mans point of view on a split. The fear of losing touch with your children must be scary even if it is irrational.

Tequilashotfor1 · 07/06/2015 13:02

watching you are second best. He is showing you with his actions.

It's not fair he is treating you and your dd like this but it's also not fair your badgering him for somthing he clearly doesn't want to do.

If he wanted to be deviorced he would be.

Don't waste too much time waiting for him. Two years in and he still doesn't want to blend your families. He doesn't see see a future with you love.

molyholy · 07/06/2015 13:10

Oh my word. Sorry watching but he's just not that into you. If he was he would be moving heaven and earth to be divorced. Offering him the money to get a divorce is embarrassing. Really. Dump him before he dumps you when he has met someone he really likes.

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