Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my OH his car was stolen?

156 replies

Yulia989 · 05/06/2015 10:42

We went away on holiday last week and took my car as it’s bigger than OH’s sports car.

We returned late Saturday night and after we’d unloaded the kids and cases I went to park my car at the end of the street. OH had left his car there for the week thinking it was safer at the end of the cul de sac rather than outside the house.

When I got to the end I noticed that his car had gone. I knew he’d left it there and nobody else had access to it so it was either towed (not likely) or stolen.

Now I’d just driven for 3 hours (OH slept) after a 3 hour flight with kids, and really didn’t want to go through the hassle of waiting for the police to visit when we could just do it in the morning after a nights sleep. I know that OH would have done it immediately though but then he wasn’t as tired as me!

So I said nothing and we went to bed. In the morning he went to the car and obviously it wasn’t there, went through the process of calling the police and it still hasn’t turned up. I feel a bit guilty about lying to him, but did it really matter in the end?

OP posts:
BobbyElvis · 05/06/2015 15:22

I think you should LTB. Sounds like a waste of space.

Original poster
Yulia989 · 05/06/2015 15:23

Haha I think leaving him is a bit OTT!

OP posts:
Lavenderice · 05/06/2015 15:29

So you didn't ask him to pull his weight with the driving, lied to him, lied to the police and lied to the insurance company because you were frightened of his temperament. I'd say there's no way that suggesting you leave him is OTT, I think it's essential.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 05/06/2015 15:30

If he lives and works in the UK, he needs to be able to participate in normal life as far as possible, by dealing with the police etc. If his wife does everything for him, he'll never learn to do these things for himself.

Getting cross for being asked to do his share of driving is not on though.

Lavenderice · 05/06/2015 15:59

Ok OP, I'm sorry you have been upset at some of the responses on here but people were commenting without knowing the full story, and I'm pretty sure we don't really have the full story now.

Part of my job is dealing with domestic abuse and the fact that you were willing to put your family's lives at risk instead of asking him to help and the fact that you are willing to lie to him and torture yourself about the repercussions is all I would need to know to put a referral into a support service.

Ask yourself the following:

Is this the first time you would rather lie to him than deal with his 'temperament'?

Does he exert control over you in any other way? Do you have your own finances? Your own friends who you socialise with? Does he do his share of the housework and childcare?

Does his staying in the UK depend on the status of your relationship?

Would you be happy if any of your children were in a relationship similar to yours?

He doesn't need to be "violent" to be abusive. Please think about this and get some help.

whattheseithakasmean · 05/06/2015 16:05

I think the OP is getting a ridiculously hard time. She was knackered, she wanted to deal with the hassle in the morning. Who knows when the car was stolen? A few hours before reporting won't make any difference, in any case. I think everyone is getting a touch frothy now.

NerrSnerr · 05/06/2015 16:08

You think leaving him is OTT? You were so tired you could barely keep your eyes open- putting your family at risk because you didn't want to wake him and you committed a crime by lying to the police because of his temperament. That is not normal OP.

Original poster
Yulia989 · 05/06/2015 16:12

Thank everyone for advice. Everyything fine no need to worry.

OP posts:
Lavenderice · 05/06/2015 16:16

And that's what a lot of women I speak to say. Did you think carefully about my post?

CMP69 · 05/06/2015 16:21

Good God that's not a little white lie Angry When he finds out (cos he will) the shit will really hit the fan. If DH hadn't told me my run of the mill family car was missing I'd be mad? never mind a classic car, which I assume from your comment was his pride and joy!
You've lied to OH, the police and presumably the insurance company. That's bad Shock

AnyFucker · 05/06/2015 17:29

has challenges with his temperament

you mean he is abusive towards you ?

ThedementedPenguin · 05/06/2015 17:47

I think if you honestly believe it makes no difference then you will have no problem telling him you did notice it but decided you were too tired to deal with it that night so thought you could ring it in, in the morning.

I can't believe you didn't tell him.

HoldYerWhist · 05/06/2015 17:49

Were you so worried about waking him that you quite literally put your children's lives in danger?

Do you see how not ok that is?

Redglitter · 05/06/2015 18:00

It would have been better to have even phoned the police when you got home and reported it but asked them not to come out til the morning. That way the car details could have been put on the PNC as stolen and they'd have come out for the report the next day.

Our Force won't take stolen car reports over the phone so officers will always come out or the owner would have to go to an office to report it.

I think you made a bad decision but there's no point in admitting now that you spotted it was away the night before.

FlabulousChix · 05/06/2015 19:03

Jesus that's unbelievably selfish and could be the difference between it being found or not. That's disgusting you didn't say anything what else do you lie to him about that you found that so easy.

Original poster
Yulia989 · 09/06/2015 16:24

So I told him on the advice of this thread and he was pretty upset about me lying to him etc. He stormed out of the house and broke the garden gate by slamming it. Have tried phoning him but phone goes to answering machine. I hope he's ok but i'm a bit scared of what he'll do.

OP posts:
Klayden · 09/06/2015 16:28

:( I'm sorry, OP. Do you feel scared at all?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/06/2015 16:35

Yulia
I am sorry to hear how he reacted but not that surprised. The issue isn't the car; its his moods. You are tiptoeing around him trying not to provoke a reaction because you know his reactions will be explosive. Its not a good way to live.

pluCaChange · 09/06/2015 16:37

Shock Oh, no!

When you say you're "a bit scared what he'll do" do you mean to himself, or someone else (like you and the DC)?

conquistador · 09/06/2015 16:39

You know YABU! I don't understand how you could possibly sleep that night knowing that your husbands car had been stolen!
Definitely best not to mention it now though!

WayneRooneysHair · 09/06/2015 17:12

Most of the replies were saying don't mention it so why did you?

QOD · 09/06/2015 18:01

Oh nooooo why did you tell?!

pettywitchinlondon · 09/06/2015 18:37

Girls I hope your all happy into guilting her to tell!

Mm gives the worst advice at times especially on aibu!

Yanbu juts a car, would if kept you up dealing with it.

BareGorillas · 09/06/2015 18:43

There are some twats about.

OP most people were very clear that you should have told him at the time not insist you did so the next day or days later fgs.
What happened- did you row? Is there a friend/family you can tell to track him down - what are you afraid of exactly?

Klayden · 09/06/2015 18:47

Have you heard from him? Are you ok?!