Aibu to think this is ungrateful control freakery?

[satine]

Just saw on social media the happy news that someone has had a baby. Lovely.
Then it says "if you would like to make them a meal, ..."
Again, lovely idea. I used to do this when my friends were having their babies.

But then it turns nasty....
"please go to this website to register"
I click on the link in amazement and it's a website where you register and then pick the days you're going to cater, and then you have to say what you're going to make.
Ok - I guess no-one likes lasagne 6 days on the trot BUT then it goes on to say "all meals must be dairy free. Please use xxx brand of lactose free whatever, not Alpro. Please deliver meals in disposable containers and by 7.30pm each day. Please text to confirm your delivery on the day"
These last bits were actually written by or on behalf of the happy couple, not by the Control Your Friends and Famly website.
I mean I'm all for organisation but whatever happened to being bloody grateful for any help whatsoever and appreciating the time and effort that someone has gone to to make you any meal, even if it is the eighth tuna casserole that week.
Anyway, that's my rant over. AM I being unreasonable?!!

My church uses this website, we do meals for anyone in the congregation who has just had a baby, or anyone who's bought to the attention of the church who needs help ie- tonight I am feeding a family who's just had twins and already have an 18mo!

The website is helpful, who wants their dinner after 7.30 with a new baby to deal with? Could you remember who's dishes were who's, so disposable is best.

Toast/ cereal/ takeaways will fill you up, but really doesn't provide the same sort of nutrients as a proper home cooked meal, which for a women who's recovering from childbirth and potentially breastfeeding really needs!

Food allergies and intolerances are a big deal, my son is dairy free but doesn't react well to soya either which rules out a lot of the more well known products..

It's a wonderful thing we do at our church, sometimes for people we've never met.. But I guess some people find it weird and grabby!

I've a couple of Pot Noodles languishing in the back of the cupboard if you want to send them those?

Pass them off as a ramen noodle dish and your good to go

Yes I totally get the "not enough cools" bit! But carers really do have a tough time , many are juggling caring responsibilities around work and are often fifty plus and simply don't have the same energy they did when younger. Or maybe that is just me....! It can be very socially isolating too.

It's not the concept that's the problem. It's the mode of communication and the circumstances under which this couple have chosen to use it.

If it was used to assist someone who's ill or grieving, great! Brilliant idea. Where can I sign up?

But this couple have had 9 months to prepare how they're going to get by after their first born arrives. And they've not only given the web address to those people who've shown an interest in cooking then something...they've put it on the birth announcement, which by the looks of things indicates that they've had a healthy baby. There are two of them. One of them hasn't just given birth. Others cooking for you under these circumstances because they've decided to is lovely, but requesting that others cook for you and deliver discretely at specified times when there doesn't appear to be any real reason not to feed yourself is pretty off IMO.

Thank you to whichever pp mentioned the STFU Parents blog. I'm currently in hysterical tear of laughter.

Please don't let this american trend come over here! What's wrong with picking up the phone and asking what someone would like to eat if you were to prepare something, and whilst you're at it, asking how they are and if there's anything else you can do?

Good god, it's just ridiculous that everything has to be done online with no human interaction. I'd be delivering a bag of crisps and a jar of pickled onions in response to the OP! But I would do it on time. 7.30pm on the dot and they're welcome to throw the jar away after.

Totally agree with 5DayChicken last paragraph. They've had a joyous occasion - having a baby - with plenty of notice.

Even if someone is ill, you can find out what they would like by emailing, texting the family, are we reduced to slots on a website? Ridiculous. I helped someone near me, both of whom had had a car accident, they were home but a bit immobile. I called round, they were desperate for company. I asked them if I could cook them something. I made my famous fish pie. I went back with it and collected the dish at a time to suit them. What's so hard about that? Let's keep the human touch please.

Sand fish - yes, imagine the horror of too many meals and some that you might not like or might have to serve to visiting friends and family because you can't eat them yourself. Oh my god the HASSLE of having to pop some in the freezer. What a nightmare to have to tell your friends that although they're kind to try to help, their efforts are useless due to their inability to obey The Rota.
Ok, I'm being facetious BUT I was brought up to smile and say a sincere thank you for any present, kindness etc, not to put conditions on it or to set the terms of the kindness. Yes, of course friends may decide to co-ordinate a little but one healthy baby doesn't make life impossible.
There are lots of situations where this kind of co-ordination does help - chronic illness, bereavement, old people on their own etc etc BUT I bet in those cases the people aren't being princessy.
Of course I could 'scroll on by'. And so could you from this topic!

I still don't understand how a couple (i.e. TWO fully grown humans) who have had a full-term baby,which they knew they were having and roughly when to expect it, can't feed themselves.

I must have super powers. I managed just fine.

I can completely see how this type of website would be great for the elderly, bereaved, seriously ill, prem baby, etc. But two adults who had one baby under entirely expected and normal circumstances?

God help them if they have a second child - what the hell will they do with TWO children?!

I have used this website a few times to offer meals for people I know that have just had babies. I just thought it seemed like a nice thing to do (i like cooking for others and would much rather do that than change a stinky nappy any day). Never seen it as grabby although it has not usually been set up by the couple themselves, it's usually been a friend who asks them if they'd appreciate it and then set it up for them. The only people I know who have been involved in it are people from my church - maybe it's become a church thing, I guess because you build up networks of folks you know but not always very well and like sandfish said it's good to have that central point of contact with details of what/what not to bring & when. Mostly the people I have taken meals to don't have family close by to give extra help.

My main issue with this is that in churches as in life in general, there are always those who are surrounded by friends and support who will always get showered with love and generosity at times like this and many others who will fall through the cracks as they don't know the 'right' people (or who are the ones who will organise things for others but it's not reciprocated when they are in need).

It's my turn to have a baby, just as the Christmas run up begins. I don't know what I would say if someone asked me if I wanted this doing for me. I think I would feel like I was being a bit grabby (even though I don't mind doing it for others) and would probably say no as I wouldn't want to put people out. I certainly wouldn't set it up for myself and put it on facebook. Then again I couldn't bear the idea of a wedding list (I was 30! I had everything I needed! It was enough to ask them to make the effort to come to the wedding!) so this would feel like that. Plus I'm hoping to have some lasagnes etc stashed away in the freezer myself. Also, if someone brings you a meal every day you have to talk to people every day which I don't always feel like doing now, let alone just after I've given birth.

So yabu/yanbu? Not sure after all that! Works for some, can seem a bit grabby to others. If you don't like it, don't offer, maybe send some flowers instead?

How many meals do you need cooked for you when you've had a baby? Don't think I had one. It's all ridiculous, I was a useless first time mother with a DH who only had 1.5 days off from work (it was a long time ago, paternity leave didn't exist) and even I managed. Some people are just so wet and seem incapable of coping.

(All this is of course different with a prem, illness etc etc)

Yes I don't think you really need it - I suppose it's just a nice gesture. Having a baby hardly puts most people in a category of 'need'. But I do wonder whether it would be more helpful a year down the line when everyone's back at work and sleep deprived due to teething! Can't ask then tho...!

Coffeeandoranges I agree, once you have two or three children who all have different after school stuff, and you're working full time, and your DP is also working flat out.... That's when a couple of meals would be MUCH more useful!!!!

since when did having a baby rate up there with bereavement and serious illness? seriously, having a baby is a natural event which happens to millions and millions of people worldwide all the time. To suggest that having a baby is some kind of serious event which means you become totally incapable is just really.

And to compare having meals cooked when you've had a baby with someone who has just been through a bereavement/is going through chemo is so unreasonable there are no words.

Even if you haven't prepared with meals in the freezer, there is no reason why you couldn't order a week's worth of ready meals and put them in the oven. Reality is that if you are in such a state that you don't have time to put a ready meal in the oven then you probably don't have time to eat it, and thus the lovingly home cooked meals delivered by those signing up to the website would go uneaten anyway.

I had my first baby abroad, with no family nearby. He was fine and healthy and I was too, but I had a c-section, also I really struggled to feed him for a few weeks he lost a lot of weight, had to see a lactation consultant and got very very stressed out about it. He also wasn't a good sleeper and I was desperately sleep deprived. I couldn't manage to cook much for the first few weeks and was very very grateful when people dropped meals off. I remember the foggy brain and the struggling to even get washed and dressed, and you know what, I really don't think I was all that unusual in my situation and in being, as some clearly think, too 'wet' to cope well. I've never had post natal depression but remember feeling a bit desperate with my newborn and wondered how I had gone from someone decisive and organised to a blob of uselessness so quickly. Now either some of you never had 'those days' so hats off to you, or you have forgotten, or you had lots of help. Not everyone does. Some need help. Some don't. Why should there be shame in saying you need help when you have just had a baby? I think this is a British culture thing, stiff upper lip old chap, chin up. So unnecessary to put others down because it was all tickety boo with you.

I knew I was having a baby so twice a week I cooked enough for six meals (we were just a couple then) and froze in foil trays two portions of say: bolognaise, chicken casserole, beef casserole. I had enough in the freezer to last for about a week and had intended much more. Then the baby came three weeks early. I was out of hospital on the Thursday, DH was off until the Tuesday. My mum came for five days and cooked for us. I admit I wouldn't have managed without her but DH would have had to have more time off I suppose.

Then we were on our own and it was absolutely fine. When DD came along I was on my own from day 8. Taking DS to nursery and everything else that comes with running a family and its home. Admittedly we ate a lot of cold chicken, new potatoes, salad and coleslaw. A little walk up to the local shop with a three year old and a new baby every day was quite helpful. It got us out for an hour and helped with the hard yards.

It's unspeakably entitled and downright rude. I wouldn't sign up for a dinner but I would cross them off my Christmas card list.

Sorry, has she given birth to the Messiah?! I've never heard such shite!

Where does the husband fit into that scenario, Sandfish? Why can't he make a meal? In fact, why can't he make a batch of meals and freeze them? One newborn baby does not require the full-time care of two fully grown adults 24-hours a day.

Yes, we've all had days with a newborn which were utterly disastrous and we couldn't cope. On those days I ate nothing but muesli. I'm still alive.

sandfish it's great to help people out but generally those who need help are grateful for the help that is offered. They don't dictate precisely what it should be and how it should be delivered. That's just very very rude and discourteous.

Also and I expect somebody else has said this nowadays it really isn't difficult for a new mum or partner to go on line and select very easy meals from the supermarket to be delivered during a suitable time slot. That wasn't an option when I had my babies so life has actually got far easier rather than harder with nappies, a baby bath, maternity sannies, etc., 24 hours and a click away too.

When I visited a mum with a newborn I always took lunch and something for the family to eat and offered to make lunch, the tea, etc.. That's fairly customary but it is not customary when someone offers to visit to say "yes do visit, but don't knock on the door, just leave a Turkish Kurd cheese and spinach pie with hand made filo pastry and an accompanying marinaded bell pepper and artichoke salad on the doorstep in a disposable plate." That is treating friends like servants at best, shit at worst and is very very bad manners.

Good manners in the UK tend to be customary and part of our culture.

Surely sandfish it is easier to take your own meals out the freezer that you've prepared in anticipation of a baby, knowing how long to cook them etc, than to cope with other people's cooking and not knowing what it's going to be like. Either that or Finest ready meals or whatever that have instructions on the back that is easy enough for someone to read.

I found it extremely difficult after DC no. 1, no help from DH, he was back at work, my DM came for just one day and I coped. Maybe it's stiff upper lip the british way, but in the end you do get through the fog and I would rather be looking after people who are genuinely suffering - as opposed to just having a baby.

It is pretty much online shopping. But expecting everything to be freshly homecooked and free.

I haven't read a single word on this thread that has made me think, 'Actually this isn't over entitled bollocks....even if a friend did set it up. In fact if a friend set it up without the couple's knowledge, I think that's really invasive.

I would like to see something similar for the elderly or vulnerable though. If for example neighbours and friends could get on board with this, it would be like a meals on wheels service for some members of the community.

I think dh would have been ashamed had people delivered casseroles to us after the dcs. What is the point of a dh/partner if not to cook something (something being the operative word...) when called for. It sounds rather fifty years ago to assume that only the mother can possibly enter the kitchen. And nowadays even in the wilds of the countryside there's a One Stop or something at which to buy some food at all hours. Most people have access to big supermarkets and I'd be surprised if the dh was also reclining on the sofa with stitches and couldn't drive to the shops.

In the case of illness, or someone alone, help is a godsend. But demanding specific casseroles is just outrageous. And unnecessary.

I don't mind wedding lists, but I hate the sound of this just for a baby. I also hate baby showers.

Great for illness etc though,
However,
It is all in the wording. If doing it for a friend wouldn't you make it a bit more obvious by the way you were wording it, and even be a bit apologetic. I think you could get the message of dietary requirements over, without getting people's backs up.
The ops one just seems grabby, and anyone doing it for themselves would right get my back up.

Penguin as it happens I have a husband, but, in short, no paternity leave there, long hours, work trips away. He took some AL for first few days. He is not a great cook but good enough so fine, it was the weeks after that I struggled. I think it took me about 3 months to get some sense of control back. Yes you can eat muesli and stay alive but for heavens sake why should you have to when you are recovering from birth, perhaps breastfeeding, and if you have friends who care and want to help.

Basically, people that are more isolated than I was and under more pressure than I was, concern me. I'm not interested in the competitive hardship/misery that some posters here revel in. I don't want others to struggle just because I did and had to cope. Because I struggled I'd like to help. I don't give a toss if anyone thinks I was 'wet' or pathetic then, or a do -gooder now, but I do care if others reading this are made to feel like crap if they are finding it hard with a new baby. And reading this there are loads of posters here so quick to judge the 'deserving and the undeserving' it reminds me of the Victorians. At least they had a sense of charity and community.

WorraLiberty makes a very good point indeed.

Loving the has she given birth to the Messiah. Am tucking that one away to dine out on.