Aibu to think this is ungrateful control freakery?

[satine]

Just saw on social media the happy news that someone has had a baby. Lovely.
Then it says "if you would like to make them a meal, ..."
Again, lovely idea. I used to do this when my friends were having their babies.

But then it turns nasty....
"please go to this website to register"
I click on the link in amazement and it's a website where you register and then pick the days you're going to cater, and then you have to say what you're going to make.
Ok - I guess no-one likes lasagne 6 days on the trot BUT then it goes on to say "all meals must be dairy free. Please use xxx brand of lactose free whatever, not Alpro. Please deliver meals in disposable containers and by 7.30pm each day. Please text to confirm your delivery on the day"
These last bits were actually written by or on behalf of the happy couple, not by the Control Your Friends and Famly website.
I mean I'm all for organisation but whatever happened to being bloody grateful for any help whatsoever and appreciating the time and effort that someone has gone to to make you any meal, even if it is the eighth tuna casserole that week.
Anyway, that's my rant over. AM I being unreasonable?!!

Nowt like cheek!

People do this?

I was happy with congratulations texts.

I should've expected so much more.

Dang, I was thrilled to bits when my friend showed up with a pepperoni pizza after the birth of my daughter..and I don't even like pepperami!

I should have greeted her with "Oi, Lynnie! Why didn't you check the fucking list before heaving in here with your stupid meat based pizza!"

I dare you to put fish fingers

I went on one of these websites (am in USA) when a friend was going through chemo, and a group of us cooked meals a few times a week. It wasn't her own idea though, and she was incredibly grateful. Although I was a bit 'hmmm' about the website arrangement, it worked quite well, as I could see what others were cooking to avoid repeats.

But having a new baby is hardly the same as having cancer treatment with three young kids to care for I totally get your point!

Ahh ... I was going to mention the cancer care thing, too, Potter, and I see the website is actually a service set up by some people who were doing it for a friend with heart disease.

It's a good idea, and there's no reason why a friendship group wouldn't use it for someone who's just had a baby. It's the introduction this couple wrote that is spectacularly unreasonable! Not to mention rude, offensive and I hope they lose all their friends as they don't seem to know what 'friend' means.

The intro's supposed to say lovely things about how kind you all are, give a few practical details, and say some more grateful stuff!

When I began my chemo last year, about eight of my friends made up a cooking rota, each one delivered 3 or 4 dinners in mahoooosive foil containers - within a week, I had meals for 3 months. Some friends did just leave stuff on the porch and text to let me know. Yes, there were doubles, and weren't always what we would have chosen, but I couldn't give a flying fuck, I was just so grateful that I didn't have to try and cook while I could barely stand, and the kids didn't have to put up with dh's 'veg-free' attempts every day! But, I have to confirm, I did not ask for it and afaik, no wanky website was used!

YABU. My friendship group uses a site called mealtrain.com that organizes meals to be brought when someone has a baby or is ill. We just had twins and it has been a lifesaver.

When I have signed up to help in the past, I liked knowing that the family would enjoy what I brought, that they didn't have any dishes to clean or any burden on them at all. I don't want them to feel like some charity case, I want them to feel loved and looked after. It is also helpful to know convenient delivery times (so the food doesn't sit on someone's porch all day going bad or being eaten by cats.)

I think it's because it's the couple asking not a nice group of friends wanting to be nice and just organising something that's made me want to suggest putting yourself down for a Big Mac and turkey twizzler delivery.

Please take a step back here before you keep on chucking rotten fruit at these poor people.

1. It might not have been set up by the couple themselves - more likely, it was set up by a friend of theirs.

2. The friend may have asked them their dietary needs and then specified them on their behalf.

3. yes, this is generally an American thing. "OMG you just had a baby can you not cook for yourself?!" - is anyone aware how shit maternity leave is for American families? You don't get anything like the same rights as you do in the UK. You can take days off, but unless your employer has generous vacation allowances - and many don't - they're not paid. So you have your baby and that's it, back to work. Cooking under those circumstances? Great if you can manage it.

If this was a UK couple then the above point doesn't count, but I really fail to see the problem with any of this.

And if you were a friend setting up this service for someone, would you honestly not specify their dietary needs? What would be the point of that? Wow, people have dietary needs, and that suddenly makes them entitled shits? I think not, right?

absolutely. If it's someone else it's a great idea, it's just that it has been put across as if it's the parents being demanding. Friends wanting to help and using a system to do so effectively is brilliant but new parents demanding bespoke dinners at X time using X products comes across as ungrateful and princessy

My American friends do this a lot and i first saw it for a coile with a premie baby.

I used it for when my friend's darling son died and I wanted to pool everyone's offer of help. I did one that included 3 drop in slots and a meal slot as, once her husband went back to work we wanted for her to have company during the initial desperation and trauma.

YABU

It isn't days in the US. Most people take twelve weeks. Daycares won't take infants younger than six weeks for the most part.

Anyway. When I was pregnant with DC2 I was desperately ill and one of DC1's friend's mothers brought us a meal. I couldn't eat any of it because I have celiac disease and none of it was gluten free (well actually there was some corn or something...). It never occurred to me to say anything negative! It was so nice of her and DH and DC1 ate for a few days on it.

When I had DC3 a few weeks ago another friend came to visit and brought dinner.

It's lovely but the idea of a website makes it a bit strange IMO.

YABU. Wow....ok. I recently returned to live in the UK after years abroad. After reading the vitriol on here for this idea I'm feeling very out of touch with UK culture and attitudes.

I used to be part of a very large church abroad which had a group of volunteers that regularly made meals for families with new babies. Sometimes you would know the couple, sometimes not. Many didn't mind that they just liked cooking and helping others out. To give context, most of the families were away from their home countries without relatives to help out for long, and it was also more difficult to buy ready meals or pre-prepared foods of any quality.

Anyway - if you are making a meal for someone you don't know well I'd have thought food allergies and even strong food preferences were useful to know - no-one wants to make food that won't get eaten, however politely received. If someone else is bringing them a meal isn't it worth avoiding that night and bringing something when needed? Disposable containers - well if you are going to receive lets say 7 meals can you imagine trying to work out who to return all the crockery and tupperware to afterwards? Anyway it seemed to us when dealing with a large group of volunteers and parents that a central point of info was best. So we used one of these sites. And it generally worked very well.

I had fleetingly thought about suggesting setting a similar system with a broader remit - perhaps for anyone sick or incapacitated, at my new church in the UK. After all many people here live away from their families, and ready meals still aren't the healthiest of options for those who are recovering from illness/childbirth. But having read this thread I will be thinking again...blimey.

Sans fish... Do!! It's a brilliant idea, the vitriol here is directed at the couple demanding meals.you are being lovely and offering which is the key difference.

This is the UK. If you are a couple who have had their first, healthy, full-term baby, cooking for yourselves is not impossible, especially if, like most people, you've planned ahead.
Of course it's lovely if people make a couple of meals for you. And even lovelier if you like/can eat them.
But my beef is the arrogance of expecting everyone to sign up for this rota, and even specifying time of delivery etc. that's just princessy wankery.
Hell, I'd much rather save my time for a family who are really up against it, whether that's down to illness, crisis etc.
Now, AIBU to think Mumsnet has gone a bit NetMums?

People expect others to make them meals just cos they've had a baby? This is a thing now? There's no hope

Sand fish, surely you can see the difference between something being offered and gratefully received, and something being demanded?

Your rota thingy at church, or a group of friends setting this up for a friend in need is great. Asking fb friends in such an entitled way, not so much

OK, Satine, I get it that you don't like the idea that that the couple have set this system up for themselves because it seems entitled. But consider maybe they had quite few offers of food all at once and thought this was a good idea or maybe someone else set it up on their behalf - someone who means well, who might be foreign or who have used the site before. Bet they didn't realise quite how offended you'd be. I doubt there is any expectation for everyone to they know to join in .. just if you want to here is some useful info? Time of delivery might relate to when other children in the family usually eat - for example not helpful if family has several young children, you cook a meal for them all but turn up at 8pm when younger kids are in bed having said, vaguely, that you'd cook them some dinner that night but left them waiting for hours wondering if you had forgotten, and what to do?

I'm still thinking about it, Inarightpickle, as I reckon there IS a need in the Uk. Just in my community we have lots of folk who live in the Uk but parents not nearby/abroad, families on the breadline, single parents, and you always get the premature babies, and sick babies/mums too, not to mention the sick elderly people living alone. We've got midwives and social workers in the church who could refer people to a scheme, we have a veritable army of WI type ladies who like to cook. I just thought it might need organising. But I can see now if you make this kind of list public - ie. outside a church group of volunteers, whilst extra help might come from it, some people will take umbrage.

So Satine are you going to cook them a meal or are you so mortally offended that someone had the audacity to ask for help from friends that you won't now bother?!? Or were you really not going to bother in the first place cos you don't believe they are deserving enough/need it/should be happy to live off beans on toast. Be honest!!

I'm torn between thinking that setting it up yourself is really wanky and feeling sad that I don't know anyone nice enough to offer to do this in real life.

Sandfish - you must have mised the post where OP said she does not know the couple because it is pretty unreasonable to ask if she is going to cook for two people who may not live in the same town or even the same country just because they have had a baby!
Perhaps you might want to consider adding those with caring responsibilities got elderly relatives to your list ? Dealing with a patent with dementia truly is exhausting with none of the associated joy you get from a baby, yet these are the very people who need support but are largely invisible. A new baby tugs at the heart strings, a confused and perhaps verbally abuse older person not so much

Sorry I just don't agree that you should be 'bloody grateful for any help whatsoever'? Imagine 6 tuna bakes in a week, endless empty containers to return, 3 or 4 meals one night then nothing for days, people turning up at awkward times then expecting to see the baby, food they can't eat due to dietry requirements - is that helpful? Better not to bother honestly if helping others only goes as far as your convenience and so you can congratulate yourself for being so caring.

For most people, taking time, effort and expense of cooking a meal for another family is not a small thing and they would ask questions to make sure what was being made would be appropriate. This couple just supplied the answers in advance, in a central place for those interested. Perhaps they made the mistake of thinking facebook friends were actual friends

Soldier Bear - thanks yes absolutely carers should be included too. Bit worried about running out of cooks though to meet the needs out there!! Ok well I will shut up now cos If Satine doesn't actually know them (except on social media) then why does she care? No need to join in with the food rota -like the new baby pic, then scroll on by...